Cynnefull Gardens...

Look past the beauty for once people...

2012-01-24T23:55:00.000-08:00

It really does get underneath my skin how much shit I have to endure when it comes to my beauty. Prettiness is a personal problem with me due to all of the scandal it produces for me. People believe that just because I am attractive it automatically means that I am a high maintenance bitch- that I talk down to people and make others feel small. I have to work extra hard to make sure that I don't loose my cool in front of people because then all of the things that they say about me behind my back are confirmed.

First off: I am not vain or care that much about my looks. granted I know how to apply makeup and look good doesn't make me a bad person or a mean girl. I was picked on and bullied for most of my life due to people not accepting of my nice personality. I didn't turn pretty till I was 16. That means I had 16 years to build up a personality, learn grace, humility and how to be a nice person. I have certain principles and something called integrity. I do not go out of my way to make people feel bad about their life or their overall looks. I grew up as a tomboy; playing in trees and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I mean I shuck oysters and get out pearls for a living! I am a goofball geek who happens to be hot. I have self esteem and self confidence... so that makes me a bitch!?! Sorry but my Nana and my momma raised me well- I have manners, etiquette, and I am very polite and grateful for the people/things in my life. I'm me. I do not go out of my way to be anything but myself; but at times i will diminish my light in order to make people feel more comfortable... but I am tired of people telling me that I cannot shine because they do not want me to shine brightly in front of them. Tired of being the one that is considered the villain for being the "pretty one" because the person pissed at me isn't as pretty as me. if my looks weren't what they are I wouldn't be having these kinds of problems...

I know when you read this that most will not understand why i feel this way- only people who have been through this kind of experience will truly understand what i am going through. If i put much stock into the bible then beauty along with my other qualities are considered gifts from god; which means that they are gifts bestowed and curses to bear. I have learned that people will see me as they want to see me; viewing certain traits but not the whole of me. That i am whatever you want me to be; but with all that said I am still me and myself despite your selfish intentions of me. Beauty at least to me is a double edged sword in my life- women hate me and men rape me. Women assume that I'm a bitch and are rude to me and men objectify me and take things from me that I do not want to give. So yes i find it funny when people say that they wish they could be me- if people knew my full history of what I have been through you may not want to be me. It wasn't easy going through all of the shit I went through. likewise it isn't easy to be the person you see before you now given my past. People make too many damn assumptions about me that it makes my head spin. so I did what i do best write the pain out of me. I wrote a poem reflecting on the past month of how people have been treating me. enjoy...

My eyes will show you what I have been through;
Look carefully big heart will reveal scars, wounds and breaks.
My personality qualifies me as a geek;
a nerd and a dork...
but all you see is my beauty.
Only focusing on the physical;
my my how shallow are you...

Beauty for me is a consistent pain;
A torment that I would gladly choose not to feel.
Yet people will not let me forget what I look like.
Throwing it up in my face as if its suppose to mean something to me
My beauty is riddled with pain;
because others will not let me be prettier than them.
It fills my life with such evilness that I wish i didn't look this way
equating beauty with pain and pain with beauty
has become a calming mantra for my life...

Jealousy, envy, pettiness are some well known friends
reminding me why most girls cannot be my friend.
Because being myself casts shadows on others;
bringing out their insecurity and their shortcomings
focusing all of their anger from themselves to me.
just to make themselves feel better;
meanwhile putting me in my so called place.
So that I cannot outshine...

Men befriend me in order to get into my pants
a careless boob grab here
hands accidentally slip to my ass
with that look in their eye as if I'm already naked.
Being looked at as an object, a prize;
a conquest makes me sick to my stomach
seeing the seed of lust rise from men's eyes and smile
makes me want to take a shower for days...

Yet for all or your assumptions of me
you do not really see me
showing me that you do not really know me at all
I accept that I have to deal with this my whole entire life;
what I will not accept is making me hurt so you can feel better.
so please stop comparing me to you.
Handle your own "inner" issues and demons
without me being blamed for them.
Cause I'm going to continue being myself;
and if you think i shone before-
you haven't seen nothing yet!

Where I have been...

2012-01-17T18:34:00.000-08:00

A great many things have changed since my last post on Cynnefull Gardens. For one, I am not living in the state of sunny California anymore. I left my friends, family and everything I knew in order to be with the man I love in an indulgent Las Vegas Nevada. I originally thought that this was going to be the best thing that had ever happen to me since meeting Jeff but this experience is not something I'd wish on my worse enemy. Although things have been rough to say the least these "experiences" have shaped me into someone who is stronger and more capable. I have overcome adversity and have only recently had to deal with other peoples drama. It has been 16 months since I have been away from my greenery that is California... hince my absence from my Cynnefull Gardens. I have come to learn that I have not figured out how to relax/ mediatate or have "me time" in this place. There is an element of distrust here that forces you to put your guard up; I found out the hard way that it needs to stay up despite how tired I get keeping it up. As a result new plants, animals and trees have sprang up having to do with bitterment, resentfulness, and betrayal. These new emotions aren't normally found here or inside my heart for that matter... but they have now planted their seeds within and have taken root.

Cynnefull Gardens has grown into something that is a refelction of the totality of me; I have created another page called "A Darker Side of Cynne..." which talks about the more erotic places within the gardens. It is the only writing I have been able to write out here in Vegas... the city of sin. Unless you have been to Vegas then you know that aroma of erotica that fills the air here. Where night life has a whole new meaning here...

. A Darker Side of Cynne...

It's been a While

2011-01-13T18:00:00.000-08:00

Feels like I have been away from here forever... this past year has been filled with many challenges and unexpected twists and turns. Life has been careful not to give me any time to myself or to walk in my garden. Its regrettable that I cannot visit as much as I used to... but in my absence something strange and amazing happened. Cynnefull Gardens became more expansive; more plants began to sprout and flowers that weren't there are now coming to fruition. Animals are starting to appear that I do not recognize but I accept them as I would accept my own flesh and blood.

Too much time has passed and I have gotten away from the essence of what is truly Cynnefull Gardens. Each plant, each seed is a memory from my life. Some bright and beautiful others dark and painful to the core. but they are my stories; meant to inspire and to help other people who have had similar experiences. Cynne despite her name is of the light; she serves only the garden and that is where her power remains. She is sexy, confident and knows what she wants yet is a woman who can admit to her vulnerability to attain an inner strength unlike any other. Her pain, suffering, torment as well as her light, her laugh, and her love sustain this place that I lovingly call Cynnefull Gardens.

In this coming year I will be writing stories and hopefully painting artwork that corresponds to the stories... maybe some photos/artwork of Cynne herself to make it interesting. Thank you for sticking with me and the evolution of Cynnefull Gardens

There was a Time...

2010-01-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

There was a time that I would have done anything for you;
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…

I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command

And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you

I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.

All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…

Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…

But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

Something that will Never be...

2010-01-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

I forgot how enticing your voice can be,
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…

I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…

This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;

You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner

Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…

I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world

But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.

Reminding me of something that will never be...

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

No Sympathy for the Devil...

2010-01-03T18:12:00.000-08:00

Your voice is so haunting;
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears

For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again

All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own

A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control

Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;

No sympathy for the devil tonight…

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved

Before the Dawn Comes...

2009-12-21T18:06:00.000-08:00

Enjoying the darkness and the silence that the hours before dawn brings.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.

The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...

In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...

Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.

Garden Cottage

2009-07-19T18:03:00.000-07:00

Garden Cottage

This is my second attempt at using my photoshop program... Garden Cottage is a blending of many pictures that I took from the Lake Shrine in Pacific Palasades, Ca.

CPD-Looks Can Be Deceiving...

2009-06-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

CPD-Releasing the Genie

2009-06-21T13:30:00.000-07:00

Cynnefully Poetic-Breakdown

2009-06-21T13:24:00.000-07:00

The Universe is pleased!...

2009-06-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

It seems that since I decided to follow my heart and hobbies to the fullest I am being rewarded through the SECRET. In my life philosophy, when you are on the right path in your journey of life you receive road signs telling you that you are going in the right direction. At these road signs I stop, pause and reflect on where I have come from to get to this new point in my life. I re-assess my life and mentally look through the pages to see what lead me here to this specific point in my life and contemplate on how just one little , tiny , insignificant decision can change the rest of your life from that moment on. That one bad choice or decision can set you back so far in you life that you barely remember the kind of potential you have to share with the world. Understanding that I am on the path that I am on even if I make a bad choice it is still heading in the right direction because it is the physical step I took that is recorded in the Ultimate Book of Deeds. Am intuitive enough to gleam that it is blessing in disguise. Like Eva said, " you can't have a testimony with a test."

My life has gone through a lot of adversity and I have overcome it with my childlike innocence fully intact. My past makes me stronger; not quite sure how strong I need to be in God's eyes but I'm glad for the responsibility to bear it. My 27th birthday marked the dawn of a new era for me as myself: the character that I was meant to be in the great role of life. I have stopped running from myself; from the hurt, the pain of love lost in it's most innocent state. From the rage inside of me from what the pain left behind when it wasn't allowed audible expression. I made amends with my past selves; I had wronged them by leaving them alone in the dark to fester while I had to pretend to be perfect. I always self sacrificed for other than for myself even if it kills me health wise. When that happens I know that it is time for me to finally choose myself. Here is my best example of this:

My brother told the smartest 2 things that anyone could have said to me to make me strong enough to do what I had to do. He asked me inquisitively, "do you like being abused, yelled at or belittled?"
-,"No"
-"Then change it. If you stay, that means that you like it and I do not feel sorry for you...."
I didn't like the situation I was in back then. Didn't like it at all and I realized that It was time to get out of this abusive relationship. I left *Eric* (name not real changed to protect person involved)with the help of the local sheriff on a June 29th, 2 of my best friends birthdays. That next day I looked at myself in the mirror and my inner voice said, " How does it feel knowing that today is the first day of the rest of your life?" Tears were flowing down my face, while there was a huge smile on my face...

Today was another one of those days... at the end of class I went to my teacher and showed him the list of things in the courses that I was going to skip over due to being a transfer student. He took the list and went home to see what handouts, books and any other resource he could give to me to make my hobby become the real thing.

He explained that I have a lot of natural talent when it comes to my pictures. That I have an eye for blending colors and for putting together color schemes; that they all share some type of story and convey some type of emotion. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I just do the creations when my insomnia takes a hold of me. That my artwork could be considered Fine Art and could possibly make a living selling them! (To all of the people who thought that my hobbies wouldn't lead me anywhere and told me that I needed to pay more attention to having a job than to follow my heart and make my hobby my career... I did it despite what you thought.) He also told me to meet the photoshop teacher and show him my notebook portfolio... so I did.

He was a little less receptive to me but I went for it anyways and won him over in the end. My natural raw talent was there, but it wasn't structured or focused and not industry standard. He asked me if they were created with photoshop and I said no; that I couldn't afford the program. He recommended Lynda.com and take the tutorials and see just how much more I could do that I originally thought. Then out of the blue on of his students tells me that she'll bring in her copy and I could use hers to learn on. (Photoshop has been a dream of mine ever since I could take pictures and manipulate them. for me to be able to work on one was the equivalent of having Santa Claus answer my prayers! ) It touched him that I wanted to pursue my passion; that was the way he first started out. Next thing I know he said that he would show me how to use it after my class till I learn it.

This is so amazing to me! It was these series of events that reconfirmed my philosophy on life... that finally I realized where my energy is best suited: in school learning how to turn my degree into a career that focuses on my passionate hobby of graphics art design.

Changes...

2009-06-15T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's strange seeing how much my life has changed just by making one decision. Up till now I have let life guide me like a leaf in the wind. I realize that this type of approach isn't the best life strategy but I needed to be able to allow myself to experience life in it's dual complexities; both the good and the bad. I needed to strengthen my character and my sence of worth within myself. I had been lacking self-esteem and self worth because I was outwardly motivated and had no idea that I needed to become inwardly motivated; I relied on others to tell me wheter or not I was doing well or not. In hindsight I now see that my so called friends were jealous of me and my accomplishments and wanted me to fall. It wasn't that surprising that they would do that to me; I bring out people's ugliness when I shine brightly.

As I have awoken to my true potential I find that my life has in it the things that I have needed all along: Love, family, trust, hope, positivity, and creativity. Friends are there when it is convienent for us to get together; but it's alright that we do not see each other because we are all living our personal life journey at the very same moment. Yes, I have been reflecting alot about my circumstances and my life... I know that I am where I am suppose to be and I take much comfort in that philosophical mindset. All of the thigns that I have done, been through and will continue to experience is going to help me in everything that I do from this point on.

People look at me differently; it's a bit strange to see the people that I have known for many years look at me like I am a foreigner. The only thing that hasn't changed to drastically is my smile; if anything I smile everyday a true smile. My controled smile has disappeared from my life because I do not have a use for it anymore. My creativity has taken over all of me and has released my tortured soul from its prision of my childhood. My shackles of my past have been removed and for the first time I feel free to do anything that I want to do! I do not have to hide anymore the things that I am; everything is there for me to be seen and that is my main happiness within my soul.

Even though I have lost many of my material possessions, that never took away from how I viewed myself. Yes my friends forsaked me, people looked at me like I was nothing, employers passed over my resume seeing nothing standing out about me, and yet in my heart I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I would be able to have the things that my heart and soul needed to feel complete. So I turned my back on all the people that I cared about who told me that "I wouldn't succeed making my hobby into reality," "That I am wasting my time living in a fantasy world of pipe dreams," or " That my hobbies won't put food on the table and pay the bills" despite how much it pained me.

Over the years I have learned that people can either help you or they can hinder you on your road to success or road of life. So if you hinder me I ask myself the series of questions: 1) is your attittude/ personality/ words helping me or hindering me from becoming the person that I want to be? 2) Is your negativity sucking the life out of me? 3) Will this person be able to learn how to be better in the time frame I allow? [mature]4)Or is their self-esteem and self worth so low that I cannot be around them?[are they trying to get me to be their egos and raise their self worth?] 5)Are they sabbotaging me and themself by their actions? If you are hindering me after I have tried to explain all of this to you and you still pull me down to your level I have no choice but to let you go cause you are killing me...

Life is short and I do not have the time, energy, or effort to put into anyone to make them realize just how special they are but myself; I have spent to long doing this for others trying to give them the inner things that they are lacking because they have asked me to do this for them. I cannot be your inner motivator or ego booster to make you feel better; I am not your mother or your shrink. Some things I am quickly learning that you have to do for yourself in order to grow and thrive in what you call "your life." I have to be able to take care of myself in all facets; not just some. If I am taking care of people when is it my turn to ever take care of myself? If I am constantly putting myself on the backburner will I ever be there for myself? I have thought long and hard about these questions and I have to put my foot down and help the person that I have neglected the most in this life-MYSELF. Cause for all of the things that I do/did for you when did you ever try to help me? Oh yeah, that's right you were too busy trying to help yourself and using me as a crutch to help your selfish needs...

Granted it was always my choice to help but coersive controling, using my feelings against me to benefit you and seeing the soul cry within your eyes doesn't really give me a choice to make. Of course I have to help you; I am not a cold hearted bitch. I feel alot and understand your suffering but do not ask me to take on your pain just so that you can have a breather. I deal with enough as is and do not need your added stressors to my life. I have finally gotten myself to the point where my body, mind and soul are in unision and my emotional induced illnesses cease to exsist anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to fix all othe problems that I found within me... coninuously improving myself in every way I know how to and I will not let someone else ruin all of my hard work!

Darkness was already here and then the light showed up to show us what we could be. My past was my darkness and now through the process of transformation I have allowed myself to be in the light, of the light and for the light. Looking at my ugliness and loving it, uinderstanding it and accepting it so that I can be brightened and purified. Dealt with my demons; not running from them or burying them deep inside of myself. I confronted my fears and self doubt and triumphed in the face of adversity. I have earned my right to be able to shine as brightly as I possibly can. Look at your own life... can you say the same thing?

Contemplating of My Life Thus Far...

2009-06-05T15:32:00.000-07:00

I have been out of school for the last 6 years... that hasn't bothered me as much as you think it would because I know that every single day I learn to be a better version of myself. When I tell people that I have 2 AAs in Psychology and Anthropology from Moorpark College they look at me in surprise because they didn't know that. I graduated a semester early and all of my JC college credits are TRANSFERABLE. At 19 I had that much sense to make sure of that... so when I was ready to enter the world of 4 year college I would be able to spend the time wisely on my core classes. People thought that I was just being lazy not going to a 4 year straight from high school; actually, I needed to prepare myself for such a task and ease into it.

After graduating I found that my life took a whole new turn; some bad and some good. I became an Aunt for the first time and got involved in an relationship that turned abusive. Turns out that those series of events needed to happen to me in order to become the person that you see before you. I had to go thru all of it to become stronger and learn how to be responsible for myself. To hold myself morally accountable for the things that I allowed to take place within my life.

For these last 6 years life has been a definite learning experience; adversity has become part of my normal routine of life and I took all of the negative things and made them into positive challenges that had to be overcome. I attempted to make friends with my pain, anger, resentment and the neglected child within me. I had to get back in touch with the person that I wanted to be and for many different reason I wasn't. I had to re-evaluate my life and my life goals; then I figured out one of the underlying problems: I had met all of my goals and hadn't made any new ones to pursue. I had found someone to love who loved me for me, found self love for myself, learned how to be venerable enough to love someone and let them into my heart.

I set school on the back burner for an opportunity to work at dead end jobs and sacrificed everything that I considered important because others told me that my "pipe dreams" and my creative hobbies were just childish and wouldn't amount to anything. How foolish was I to believe them. But in my heart I knew that they would be the ones to regret ever telling me that. Intuitively, I knew that my career would be geared towards my "hobbies" and I would make more money than I ever dreamed of! I tried to put away my childish things for their sake but it turns out that I need them to make something of myself!

My "hobby" are my PURELY CYNNEFULL DESIGNS; manipulating pictures into the things that my head creates. People told me time and time again that I couldn't make a living doing that. Well, turns out I can and will by going back to school...

It was only in the month of May 2009 that I made myself be the person that I wanted to be. I decided to stop hiding all of my potential and let my inner light shine so brightly that I blind you by my sheer brilliance. I let my hair grow out naturally instead of having it chemically altered to make it more manageable. Now, my hair and I have a healthier relationship with one another and it has decided to cooperate with me and became more manageable than it was when it was permed. My hair gets less knots and it takes less time to style and take care of. As a result, my cheek bones are higher and my face shines brighter than it did in previous years. My body has gotten into better shape cause I am now happier with myself and my surroundings. Jeff's cooking also helps tremendously and now my body and I have a great relationship. No more Emotionally induced illnesses due to a bad job, stress, or persecution. I now know that when my emotions are out of sync my body becomes affected as well. I have learned to pay closer attention to myself and my body's reactions to things so that I can obtain inner balance.

My personality has become more of my own; not worrying about what others think of me has helped greatly with this process. I wear my personality like I wear clothing. I had to mentally go through my emotional wardrobe and see what I had to work with that I had forgotten about. Sometimes people do not realize just how much of their personality goes by unseen because of what other people say about it. My sarcasm is out in full force and is usually seen in my humour which isn't always understood but I do not care anymore. I do not need to explain myself to anyone except my Creator. Now that my inner strength has been revealed within me I am not concerned with how people view me; only how I view myself.

Negative things do not affect me in the same way that they once did. My 27th birthday taught me that I am more capable than I originally thought. I know now to look at the change that the event brought me as a good thing. Ever since May 20th of this year everything has changed for the better and I have not looked back since. Maybe that is why this time that I saw a ITT Tech commercial I did something about it and went online to see what I needed to apply...

Today was the day I happened to trust my instincts and filled out all of the info I needed to apply to ITT Tech. I decided that this was the day that I would make something of myself and my unusual talents in the field of Graphic Design. The Oxnard Campus had the classes that I wanted to learn and it was closer than I thought it was to me. My dream of being a creative person holding a career doing something that I loved was about to happen for me and I became increasingly excited about the thought of getting into ITT Tech. Who knows... I am casting my bread out onto the water and seeing what comes back to me...

Birthday Reflections for This Year

2009-05-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

According to my astrological solar return my closest time to my actual time of birth astrologically was yesterday, May 20th around 7:27pm. So it wasn't any coincidence that Jeff took matters into his own hands and celebrated my birthday a day early. May 20th happened to be my solar return and Jeff without realizing it fell prey to astrology! Jeff said that he "felt it was the right thing to do because he wanted to truly surprise me to gauge my true reactions to his gifts." Muttering that he also wanted me to have a good day before my birthday to ensure a good experience of my birthday. He is always thinking of me like that...<3 May 20th-The day felt different after he gave me my "gifts"... like I had just opened my eyes for the first time and was really seeing everything the way it should be.My whole way of thinking about life and how I have experienced it has changed for me greatly. Jeff doesn't surprise me; he doesn't like surprises himself and if he has something planned for me he can't keep from telling me what it is! As a Virgo he really doesn't like to be spontaneous; rather he will go with the flow. So my head was swirling around the idea that my perceptions had begun to change... hopeful they changed for the better! Turns out they did! It seemed that I had reached my life long goals: learn to love, to love myself soo much that it poured out to love others. To be loved for who I am unselfishly and unconditionally. After a deep conversation with Jeff it slipped out that I don't have to keep proving that I love him and that I am already his Queen. That I have his approval that I love him better than he lets most people and that now its time to focus somewhere else. At the time I didn't realize just how much hearing those words would cause my whole world to expand... it was like he took the biggest burden off of my heart and soul by telling me how he really felt about me from deep within his soul. The words changed me and my thoughts literally went to other things that never even begin to cross my mind: like growing my nails out to look more feminine, to wearing shoes that have heels, to being more sensual, taking any kind of pleasure out of everything, work, reoccurring income, responsibility, and children! Since I have been taking care of Keela I have come to understand at least to some degree that I want children. Turns out Jeff wants kids with me; just not yet because we don't have a house or enough income for it at the moment. [That isn't fair to the child if we bring them here with nothing to support them on financially; that's irresponsible] He cooked all of my meals; waited on me hand and foot... not cause I asked him to but because he chose to wait on me. Jeff showed me just how much he loves my by his actions towards me and it gave me a huge kind of confidence that I have not felt for a long while. It was the kind of confidence when you know that someone has your back; if you fall down or stumble someone will be there to pick you back up. Jeff isn't my father but he is a male that gave me approval and provided the closure that I needed from my father so my burden of grief has been significantly lightened! It was like he acknowledged that I'm not perfect but I am as perfect as I am ever going to be as me! That i make mistakes and have flaws but he still loves me and enjoys providing for me. Jeff takes care of my every need; most of my wants and rarely my desires because he wants to. He enjoys making me happy... the feeling he gets when I look at him and smile in a genuine ear to ear grin of appreciation and do my happy dance is what he lives for! He has an over predatory-like need to protect me at all times and rarely leaves my side for longer than he has to. I am Jeff's world and have earned his respect and deserve all of the chivalry that he gives to me through his acts of love. I do not manipulate him or force him to do things for me; he found out how much the power of love can heal and transform you into a better person. We transformed each other and our relationship keeps getting better everyday! Why is this blog about Jeff so far and not about my bday reflections you wonder? Jeff is the reason that I grew into the person I am as of today! If it wasn't for his love and nurturing affect that he had on me my goals would be still heartfelt wishes. I wouldn't be able to think about the future with him; instead I would have been stuck in a traumatic past that wouldn't be let go of. Due to his love and trust of me I am know able to pursue more practical things within my life that will lead me onto the road that is my path to take. To be the person that I am suppose to be... that's starts this year! May 21st-
I woke up at 6:55am and waited for 3 mins till it was my birthday and sang happy birthday to me then went back to sleep. My sister Kristin called to wish me a happy bday and put Keela on the phone to listen to me explain that its Auntie Ashlee's birthday and she was all wide-eyed and attentive to my words. Then Ashley called and I was even happier... when Jeff and i finally woke up he greeted me with a happy birthday and a smile. Today was such a gorgeous day; not too warm and not too cold. IT was a perfect day and it felt perfect just like it was suppose to be... people weren't upset today and the world felt right on track for once. Even Max, an ex of mine, wished me a happy birthday...

All and all it was a good birthday experience all because of Jeff and his gut instincts...

The Hardest Week of The Year for Me...

2009-05-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

As you all know this week is my birthday- the big 27 years of age... what many of you do not know is that this week also signifies my father's death anniversary. May 21st is the day that I came into this world and May 22nd is the day that my father died. Even though this even happened over 8 years ago this is a very sensitive time for me; it's the only time that I truly let my guard down and expose my pain for all to see.

Since I do not know how long you have been following my blog I'll try to start from the beginning to give you a full understanding of what I am going through. My father wanted my mother to abort me when she found out that she was pregnant with me. He was already 43 and my mother was 40 at the time of my arrival into this world. According to all of the "big wig" doctors if my mother carried me to term there was a high probability that I would come out with down syndrome or have an open spine. my father did not want to risk it but my mother being a devout catholic stood up to my father, defying him and decided to keep me. Of course I turned out to be normal [thank God!] but it caused a rift between my parents that only grew bigger as time went on.

My 2 sisters Judy, Kristin and my brother Michael were already respectively 14 1/2, 12 and 10. Then I come into their lives and for some reason all hell broke loose between my father and I. I do not know if it was jealousy or that he felt that he needed to compete for my mother's love or what but as a Capricorn he felt threatened by my presence in this family. From the ages of 0-3years my father was considered the "dominant/power parent." It was him that made all of the decisions; him who held all of the power within our family and I admired him and adored him. Unfortunately, this was only one-sided because he do not return those feelings to me. In fact, my father was afraid of getting too close to me; calling me names as "demon- spawn", "unlovable" and telling me to "put my horns back inside" He was the only person that I truly feared; he was the one that dealt out my corporal punishment whenever I did something that he didn't approve of. Whether it was wrong or right.

I was a Gemini who was being punished for no other reason than I merely existed; that was enough for him to loose his temper. Around him I wasn't allowed to speak unless I was spoken to first, could not question him on any of the things that told me, and was told that I always needed to be a " dutiful daughter; respect and obey him at all times. It was what the commandments said!" He had a 2" thick black leather belt that used to deal out my punishments; my mother would be at work when he did this. I was told to not say a word and accept my beating and to take it like a man. A lot of people wondered why i can handle such abuse from people; this is why.

After one incident in particular my mother walked through the door just in time to see him grab me and start in on me with the belt. She stepped in to protect me telling him to never again touch any of her children in that manner. Turns out that I was the only one that had the pleasure of getting this treatment.He told my mother, "Fine Karen, from this point on she's your responsibility; I wash my hands of her... you can deal with her!" She did. That was the last time that he referred to me as his flesh and blood. He wouldn't speak my name; didn't bother to look at me and this crushed me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong to deserve this from him and yet I was disowned by my own father. Judy, Kristin and Michael did not receive the same treatment from my father as I did. They were the family unit; i was just the outsider that didn't belong with them.

This went so far as to pretend that I didn't even exist. He would tell my mother "to tell her daughter that she is soulless, hallow and no one outside of family could ever love her!" I was standing less than 3 feet away from him as he would be saying such things. Even negative attention was better than none at all; so that is what I took from him. He blamed me for his marriage failing with my mother; the reason that he had to sleep on the couch. Blamed me for everything that went bad in his life because it wasn't until I entered this world that he lost everything. I just wanted his approval and love; maybe some attention and affection from him. That win or loose i could just be his daughter and that it was okay to be that... I was denied that till the day that he died. I pushed myself very hard to be the best at everything that I did just so that he would take notice of me; maybe even give me a compliment or tell me that he loved me. I would show him the things that I accomplished and he wouldn't even bother looking at them; just mutter underneath his breath, "an A- isn't an A++ get out of my face with that inferior piece of work!" I kept trying though to be the daughter that he wanted me to be but again I was denied any type of love from him.

During those years I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible so that I wouldn't upset him and have him yell at me, demean me or belittle me. All I had to do was to make a noise and that would set him off. Of course I would scream back and defend myself; he just used that against me and it added more fuel to the flame. Since my mother worked during the day I was left to suffer at my fathers hand for most of the day. He would tell me "NO because i said so"; when pressed he would answer, "cause I am your father and I reserve the right to say NO all of the time!" if I continued he would simply turn up the volume on the t.v. till my voice was drowned out. My mother had to bribe him to spend time with me and to be nicer towards me... but he couldn't. Everything about me just pissed him off too much for him to deal with me.

As time went on my Nana did her best to protect me from him; she was the only one that my father was afraid of and Nana took care care of me while my mother was at work. She was my guardian angel and if it wasn't for her my father could have quite possibly have killed me. My mother was sure on that. He treated me like a slave; this is why I am such a quiet person to this day; silently moving through the house without making any sound cause of his "lessons" that I had to learn. My only reprieve was school. Escaping into the the study lessons of school... how wrong was that. I still carry these scars with me into adulthood; learning how to be invisible and yet know more that I let on.

Weakness was never an option. Anger was never to be shown. The prince by Makaveli was what my father raised me with. that was his gift to me and it was a very cruel lesson to be taught. I became his whipping girl despite my mother and grandmother's attempts to shield me. I accepted my fate with him cause I knew that one day it would end... it had to end right? 19 years we were under the same roof; 6,935 days in a row of abuse: physical, mental and emotional. I endured that... the physical marks have long left me but the psyche has been imprinted with my father's dominant influence over me and there isn't much i can do about that except understand it and live with it. About half way through this abuse I was finally told that my father had been suffering from mini strokes and developed sleep apnea. that the reason for all of my torment was because the personality part of his brain was what got struck during those mini strokes. So after finding out that I knew about his condition the abuse escalated and he began to lash out at my mother and me... by this time my older siblings were already off to college and I was left alone with all of his negative emotions. I resented the hell out of him; everything that i accomplished was never good enough; never right and I had to be punished for not being perfect.

It wasn't just enough for him to break me he had to make sure that all of the things that I loved were taken away from me so that I couldn't survive. I had to hide anything that brought me great joy in life or else he would destroy it. hide my Halloween candy so that he wouldn't go into a diabetic comma and become the adult when he acted like a child. I had to forgive this man, my father for all of the horrible things that he did to me because he was ill. that was a very hard pill for me to swallow; but he was my father and I loved even after all of his negative projection onto me. He was the only father that I knew and so I would wake up from deep sleep when I would hear him stop snoring and poke his toes to get him to start breathing again. During the night he would have more mini strokes and continually stop breathing. I would be the one to start him back up again. I was my father's daughter; hardened by his hatred, molded by his harassment of me and cold due to his cruelness of withholding love from me. Yet through all of this I still worshiped him; wanted to be like him: strong, powerful, worldly, spiritual, highly intelligent, entrepreneur, and make an impact on this world in the ways that he did. I never wanted to hate my daddy; it was quite the opposite. Most people i explain this to do not understand my complex dealings with regard to my father... he took a lot of things away from me, but he gave me the person that I am today and for that I am grateful. My pain stems from the fact that he never loved me because he was scared of me; that even on his death bed he couldn't tell me that he loved me. That he could never walk me down the altar or see my child when that time comes. I have a great big hole in my soul from all the things that I couldn't share with him; the experiences that I do not have him in. Cause I miss him; even though he was an asshole to me I missed out on getting to know him. There is so much of him inside of me that I will never get a chance to ask him about. That if he was here to see the person that I turned out to become would he love me now?

He died without being able to communicate; his brain was working but he couldn't speak in a way that we could understand. the words came out all jumbled and finally let his last breath out holding Judy and Michael's hand in his. The official cause of death is a stroke on his brain stem... my mother and I were not present when he passed; he wanted it that way. He passed without me getting any closure or any explanations of his actions towards me; which hurts but what can you do... he chose to go the day after my birthday and that is what he choose; you can ask Judy if you do not believe me.

Now that my hair is natural I look more like him than usual and when I look in the mirror I see his face staring back at me; I can still hear his hurtful words towards me and all of the things that he took away from me because, "black people don't do that," or ," it's just a waste of time; you're not very good at it!" Sometimes Jeff inadvertently says things that my father said to me... normally I can take this and much more but this week those things will reduce me to tears; and i am left feeling that great big hole inside of me. Reminding me that my birthday celebrates the life that I received at the cost of my parents love and the 1 death that tore my family apart the day afterwards.

There is a lot more that I am leaving out; frankly I do not have the energy to convey all of the feelings that I am conflicted with at this moment in time... you get the gist of it so this will have to suffice as an explanation of my behavior since Friday...

This Too Shall Pass...

2009-05-17T17:52:00.000-07:00

There are some types of pain that cannot be put into words... pain that has been imprinted on you and ingrained in you for so long that all you can do is make guttural sounds to express yourself accurately. So many things that I wish I could express about my past that have happened to me but words cannot convey them; nor describe them. These types of pain can only be felt and absorbed bypassing words altogether.

Pain is something that I know very well; emotionally. Mentally I have gone through it as well; psychical pain was the easiest to deal with... those scars disappear over time. The other 2 do not disappear with time as usual scars do; they linger never really going away. they just heal when they are good and ready to. Or so I thought; that was I was told anyways... everything that goes on around you is a constant reminder that the pain is now a part of you; it has become you. It can be managed; but it never truly heals.

How does one tell someone who hasn't had that type of experience with pain? who went through shit that you didn't go through & express how you feel when they have no point of reference? When you try to tell them "your" experience and all they do is turn the conversation onto themselves and their pain. It isn't about them or their pain; you not asking for them to talk... you are asking for them to listen without opening their mouths. but sometimes people do not understand that there is a time and place to share your experiences and there is also a time to just listen. I needed someone to listen to me; not as a shrink but as a friend. Someone who would understand just enough to give assurance; not to be selfish enough to compare their pain with me. normally, that is what you do in that situation; you share to become closer and to create a stronger bond. not in this case..." I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself-"

So if it was a "cry for help" as you put it you weren't listening anyways because you got mad at me and turned hostile telling me "not to send those types of messages out there unless you are willing to talk about it!." How can I talk about such things if you won't respect me enough to let me tell you in my own time; that the things that I am going through are such that it takes me a while to put the things in perspective to be explained. that there are certain things that I can discuss and was discussing with you till you turned defensive towards me and tried to force me to reveal everything to you... that isn't right and that isn't what friends do to one another. Yet she is mad at me for not opening up completely when I asked her not to ask me about it and she did anyways. Cuz it wasn't enough for her to let me convey my sentiments and tell her that I would explain things to her fully at a later date. when she is going through something I wait for her to tell me and if she doesn't I do not press; she did not extend the same courtesy to me it seems...

No More Masks... My Inner Sterngth is Freed!

2009-05-14T21:08:00.000-07:00

Got in touch w/ my inner strength 2day... I'm who I am & if u can't handle me then go f*ck yourself & grow a pair! Your insecurity's ugly...

I am tired of people trying to put me in my place... I am a nice, kind and caring person but when you push me I'll push back and you won't like it; especially if you are a weak-minded, insecure person who puts others down to make yourself feel better. Unlike most people, I have no selfish intentions/motivations to be there for you. There is no angle or manipulation when it comes to my giving or my friendship. [Although most people think that since I am so nice that I am secretly planning to hurt you but time proves that it isn't the case=)]

Can't help the fact that I am a strong minded individual that reflects on life instead of the misery that it causes. I am defiant, reluctant and if need be cold in order to prove my points. Because people do not really believe that I am nice... and as a result have taken advantage of me so much that I loose my composure. Some have called me a nutcase, a basket case and straight up psycho... so what if I had to go to a psych ward it was because I was driven insane by INSECURE WEAK-MINDED males who blamed/punished me for just being myself! Again, doctors have told me that I am not crazy; far from it. How would you react if you were backed into a corner and trying to be coaxed out with kind, sweet words with a treat and as soon as you relax and accept the treat you get beat down for it! Standing up for myself is what normal people do and yet for some reason I am not allowed to do the same for myself.

You can beat me, abuse me, talk shit about me, rape me, give me a STD and attempt to break me but I am still here laughing at you because after all of the shit that I have taken from you I can look you in your eyes and say, "is that all you got!?!" The look on your face is all of the satisfaction that I need. No one can extinguish my inner flame; yet people still try like hell to snuff me. I learned as a child what the meaning of being the whipping girl means and there is no one on this earth that can force me to break. Ex-Boyfriends have tried and tried because I make them realize that they are pieces of shit; that through my actions towards them they see just how ugly they truly are. One has even recently thanked me for my role that I played in his life. Even going so far as to apologize to me for his behavior and was grateful that I taught him what it meant to actually love...

Yes, I am a force to be reckoned with... once I enter your life you are changed forever; good or bad. I am elemental in my being for I know that I am a spiritual being in cased in a human body. Normally I will not call you out of your bullshit; it freaks too many people out. Cause I understand that people have a need to keep their masks fully intact and crumble if they are exposed for who they truly are. I do not like to meet your mask or as I like to call it "your representative." I can see into your soul whether you want me to or not... I just won't tell you until I have to. The things that you hide are the things that I pick up on first... like the mirror that you refuse to look at yourself in. I do not lie to you so if you aren't ready to hear the truth that is accurate then please for your sake do not ask!

I know myself better than you could ever hope to; because I make a 200% effort each and everyday to discover what it means to be Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay... to know the why behind my actions so that I can be the best version of me that I can. I study myself to understand where all the things that constitute as me come from. Just because you cannot comprehend me doesn't mean that you have the right to make me surrender to your will.

My exes will admit that I am a pain in the ass... I know what I want and if you cannot give it to me then we have issues.[ Not money; I've never wanted that from them: just to consider me and treat me like an equal... and to love me for who I am; not what I do for you!] When I was each of them I really thought that it was my fault but now I have come to learn that it was all them; Jeff was the one that pointed it out to me... Jeff can deal with me and I haven't changed. My goals in the relationship are still the same and we have been together for 3+ years...Jeff thinks the world of me and gives me everything that I have ever wanted and more just by being a STRONG MAN who is confidently secure in himself!

Absent due to Spiritual Growth...

2009-05-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

Sorry for being gone for so long... I have been in the midst of having a huge spiritual/ emotional. mental/ psychical growth spurt. My life has always been in a constant struggle of: being the best version of me that I can be and everyone else who tries to deterr me from my true goals in life. As a child it was my father's strictness and his limiting outpouring of love that kept me caged up in every way...
I was a mere shell of the person that I was suppose to be. Then my mother added to it by not encouraging me to follow my dreams and be a creative talent. They both thought that I was just a day dreamer and wouldn't amount to anything in that capacity. It was my grandmother who knew better and tried to cultivate all of my artistic endeavors... like all children I was told later after her death that I "had to put away all of my childish toys" including my artistic abilities.

Till now I have still lived with all of my childhood scars and didn't really understand how badly my parents influence had spread. I am a shell of a person because I didn't understand that I could defy them and be the artist that I am. when you are told enough times to do what you are told you do. All of the things I was good at I had to give up for the betterment of others. something that I am still bitterly hostile over because I didn't know any better to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying to ensure that my parents liked me enough to deal with me. Deep down I knew that when i entered this world I destroyed my parent's relationship. It was always a tug-of-war with them in order to deal with me.

As I was reading my solar return early... something inside of me told me to look at it; I had the feeling that I wasn't learning the things that I needed to be learning. My hunch was right; it told me that I needed to overcome my shadowy past and embrace my true self and begin to shine. something that I have been reluctant to do since as a child I was picked on as a result. I didn't realize that my inner light shines so brightly that it casts shadows upon others which is why they treated me so poorly. I wasn't doing it on purpose; I was just being myself and that has always been the problem. There is so much negative programming within me that I convince myself to fail or that I would fail and stopped taking any type of risks in my life. I am done sacrificing myself just so that others can feel better about themselves around me; done with dimming myself so that others look brighter within my presence.

I gave up everything that I have ever cared about just to have peace of mind in life... to be left alone form other people's insecurities and them being projected onto me. For my so called friends I have taken on their problems as if they were my own just to be accepted by them... and for what? When I need them the most they are gone. Jeff explained that as an adult friendships are quite different then when you were younger; now if you do not have anything to offer or be used for then adult friends do not want anything to do with you. There has to be something in it for them to continue to be their friend. If not, you are considered a burden and there for discard able.

Since people have been so cruel to me and have left me high and dry when I do succeed in an "adult way" I will not let them know and pretend that they do not exist. Cause in essence they weren't really true friends in the first place. So in one instance my heart is thoroughly broken that when you become an adult everything has to change in the relationship dynamics that used to be so simple and are not anymore. Guess its the Gemini in me but friendship is a friendship sort of like marriage where you are there for each other no matter what! Then again, I am a idealist at heart and think that the way in which I operate is universal for everyone else.

Self-Love and Light

2009-04-14T14:25:00.000-07:00

A couple of days ago my really good friend Isabella* (made up name to protect my friend) came over. I always watch "RuPaul's Drag Race" with her online. She couldn't believe how these men were transforming their selves into prettier women than some real women. At the time I didn't think anything of it... all women react this way when they see a hotter Drag girl than a biological girl. I should have paid more attention to Isabella's wording of her comments out loud. I am like a terrier in that manner- hearing something someone said with just the wrong inflection on certain words that mask the deep, painful truth that you are trying to get me not to hear; see or feel you hiding the real Truth from yourself projecting it onto me. Usually I call you on it and bring it "into the light what was once hidden in the dark of night" but my intuition told me to let this one go for the moment. To give my over-worked brain a rest I try not to link everything to have a significant meaning about something deeper and more painful things that others do not want to talk about. I forget that others consider that rude and highly intrusive when I look at it as trying to help.

I explained to Isabella that the Drag Queens use make-up to shape the lines of their faces to get the best out of their "Drag Persona." Isabella eagerly committed this to memory and it was like she was taking mental notes about everything that I was saying. Again, I noticed but put it to the back of my mind for later analysis later when she had left. There are certain emotions that I am not really to familiar in distinguishing because I have not felt them within myself: Jealousy and envy. I have felt and been on the receiving end of these emotions but I have not been swayed by them internally. As a Scorpio, Isabella has a very good amount of darkness to her; her mysteriousness makes her both vulnerable and powerful. But she is very much filled with self-doubt about her body's physical appearance. Yet her inner light is so blinding and brilliant; her blue eyes reflect such harshness and tranquility all at the same time...

RuPaul's motto on her show is "If you cannot love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" This was something that I was comfortable with; a quote that I had to live by in order to begin the process of healing myself from all of the poison that was inside of me from other's abuse towards me. I had to tell myself that "I love myself more than you could possibly hate/hurt me... I love myself past all of the pain, sorrow and sadness. I forgive myself for not treating this vessel with more respect and will not let anyone extinguish my light inside of me. My light is love, Infused into me by my creator and that is something that can never be destroyed." People call me beautiful; gorgeous and I couldn't care less because even though that is not how I view myself (I love my flawed body...) I am the most happy when they say that my inner beauty outshines my outer beauty. Long ago I learned that I had to protect myself with self love; not just someone Else's love for me to keep me safe. My Nana showed me that... her love kept me safe from my father's illness induced wrath towards me. Isabella gave me a weird look/glance as I approvingly nodded my head in agreeance. I said that "you have to love yourself so much that it pours out of you in so much abundance that it overflows into someone else and they are filled with love in abundance. That is the cycle of love... it is infectious and overwhelms the whole entire being. " Her eyes looked big-eyed and blank in a "I do not know that feeling of self love...what does it feel like?" an almost odd curious look of blankness. It was in this moment that her mask was taken off and she was exposed. Isabella's eyes turned a dark blue trying to re mask herself.

As we were watching a transformation of a gay man into a Drag Queen Isabella admitted that she couldn't walk in heels and that she walks like a man. I pulled out my heels and began to explain the art of walking in heels and why it is important to walk with one leg in front of the other like on a trapeze. I told her heels were designed to make your butt higher and more arched which also causes you to overcompensate by sticking your chest out. Reminded her that it is heel toe heel toe. If you feel like you are going to fall, use your hips as counter balance. She was so nervous; filled with doubt and unsure of herself that I thought that she was going to cry of embarrassment. I was wise to stop with the heel lesson and we went to look at lingerie. I think that this made her even more uncomfortable but we commented on each of the outfits that we saw.

Walking her out to the car in the darkened mist it was later revealed that she has no self love for herself. She understands that she is beautiful on the inside and has still been told that she is physically ugly. Something that she hasn't been able to get over. It was hard for her to even talk about it... she thought that I didn't catch her vocal tone. I called her on it and she started talking in a hysterical tone; a higher pitched tone that made her sound like she was on the verge of crying. I told her that what she was saying she doesn't believe and her eyes turned into panic because I saw into the real Isabella; The way she believes herself to be. There was a sigh of relief to her; an eerie calm right before the storm so to speak. She was very surprised to know that I saw her so clearly; that I was able to pierce her so deeply. She said that when she is around me she knows that she is safe and she can be herself more. I told her how much it hurt me that she didn't have self love. I know how important it is to have that in your life and what the world feels like when you do not.

Freaking out people is not something that I like to do; especially when they do not want themselves to be seen in the light because they are worried how ugly they really are. My personality is such that I inadvertently bring out that which you wish to hide and keep secret. What you hide is what makes me love the person that you are. Seeing those things behind you eyes is what makes me want to be your friend in the first place. Isabella is no exception to this and our heart to heart made me love her even more. I knew that I had scared her; my keen powers of observation had made her realize that I am much more than I pretend to show psychically and let on. I struck a chord in her and I do not know if she was alright with that. Her wording upon leaving was equivalent to someone saying goodbye in finality. Like I had just killed her admitting that big secret that she kept inside of herself. There is a picture of her where she is in the shadows of it staring towards the light longing for it but is just out if its reach being too comfortable within the darkness to leave. I haven;t spoken to her since... which bothers me because she hasn't read my message that I sent to her over a couple days ago yet approves my comment made the same time... I will not try to delve into that mystery yet and wait for her to respond to me before I make up my mind about my behavior for seeing too much within her. In my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but in her mind I may have....Scorpios tend to act that way and sting the people who try to help and become hostel towards them if they feel threatened in any way.

Purely Cynnefull Designs™ Portfolio...

2009-04-12T03:37:00.000-07:00

Wavy Beret

2009-04-11T23:05:00.000-07:00

The last time my Uncle Lester visited he requested that I make him a black beret. Unfortunately, I didn't like the patterns that I was finding on the web so I improvised. This is the finished product:

Materials used:

CARON Simply Soft # 9916 in Black- Weight: 4 medium, Worsted weight, 4 ply 100% acrylic, 366yds /7 oz solid.
Crochet hook size H-8 US (5mm)
Crochet stitches used: Chain (ch), slip stitch (sl st), double crochet (dc)- Yarn over, insert hook in stitch or space indicated, yarn over and pull up a loop (3 loops on hook), yarn over and draw through 2 loops on the hook, yarn over and draw remaining 2 loops on hook. Double crochet decrease (dc dcr)- Yarn over, insert hook into first indicated stitch, Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 3 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 2 loops left on the hook.Yarn-over and insert hook into next indicated stitch.Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 4 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 3 loops left on the hook. Yarn-over and draw through the last 3 loops on your hook. Decrease is complete; counts as one stitch.

Terminology:

Chain- (ch)

Join w/ slip stitch (sl st)- Begin with a slip knot on hook. Insert hook in stitch or space indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and draw through the stitch or space and the loop on hook.

Double crochet/s (dc/s)- Yarn over, insert hook in stitch or space indicated, yarn over and pull up a loop (3 loops on hook), yarn over and draw through 2 loops on the hook, yarn over and draw remaining 2 loops on hook.

Double Crochet Decrease (dc dcr)- Yarn over, insert hook into first indicated stitch, Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 3 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 2 loops left on the hook.Yarn-over and insert hook into next indicated stitch.Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 4 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 3 loops left on the hook. Yarn-over and draw through the last 3 loops on your hook. Decrease is complete; counts as one stitch.

Chain 3 (ch 3)- **For this pattern the first double crochet (dc) is always a Chain 3 (ch 3) **

To start: chain (ch) 4 and Join with a slip stitch (sl st) This makes up your loop.

Round 1: Chain 3(ch 3). **This counts as your first double crochet stitch for each and every round.** Within the chain 4 loop make 14 double Crochets (dcs). Total: 14 Double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain3 (ch 3)= 15 Double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 2: Chain 3 (ch 3). 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch all the way around. [some people prefer to add the 30th double crochet at the front after the chain 3; some at the end before the chain 3. I leave it up to you.] Total: 29 Double Crochets (dcs) + 1 Chain 3 (ch 3)= 30 Double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 3: Chain 3 (ch 3). 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 44 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3 )= 45 Double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 4: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 59 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 60 double crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 5: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 74 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch3)= 75 double crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 6: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 89 Double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 90 double crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 7: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 Double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 104 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 105 double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 8: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. * Repeat from * to end. Total: 119 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 120 double crochet (dc) stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 9: chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. * 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 134 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3) = 135 double crochet (dc) stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 10 & 11: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch to end. Total: 134 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 135 stitches. Slip stitch (sl st ) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 12: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr). *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr)*. Repeat * to last 3 stitches. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 13: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr).* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr).* Repeat * to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 14 & 15: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 16: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr) *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr)* Repeat * to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 17: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 Double crochet decrease (dc dcr) in next stitch* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr) in next stitch * repeat * to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.

Round 18: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain. Bind off. Sew in loose ends...

Finished!

Uncle Lester loved the beret! It was just what he wanted and you can tell from the picture that the beret made his day!

Butterfly Wings...

2009-03-30T03:01:00.000-07:00

Butterfly Wings

This is one of those pieces of artwork that I just pulled from everything that I could think of that I wanted in the picture and then scaled back to produce Butterfly Wings. Not quite sure why the blue is in there... this was originally going to be purple and black color scheme but it looked cooler with them there.

Little Worlds...

2009-03-30T02:56:00.000-07:00

Little Worlds

Bubbles are happy things... I wanted to create a picture that used bubbles and happy things. Rainbows, multi colored bubbles, nature and some fairy elements are incorporated within most of the bubbles.

Cynnefull Gardens: First Seed Fruition...

2009-03-29T04:19:00.000-07:00

"The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bosom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.- "

Cynnefull Gardens Welcome

For all of you new readers this is my welcome blog. The seeds that were all planted here are from my life; that I have nurtured and raised myself. You can call them memories of my past, knowledge, experience, a representation of my soul... these are the flowers that make up my heart.

The very first flower in my garden of Cynne I did not create; that seed was from my creator who made me. It took a very long while to coax out the plant that was inside of the seed like it was undecided about which type of flower it wanted to be. Slowly this stub of green started to emerge and my life began to take shape. My mother nurtured it, my sisters cared for it, my brother protected it and my father shined like the sun to help my inner flower grow. As I was experiencing life at the age of 5, the sun's rays began to dissipate and my sunlight was no longer there to keep me warm. Looking back, that was when my father lost his will to succeed and began to shut himself off from the world. His absence stunted my growth into this beautiful flower that I was becoming and it was the beginning of the end as I knew it. There was less and less time for my mother to nurture me with her having to make end meet while my Father was having health issues. Then my sister's went off to their own lives and there was no one to care for me; weeds began to grow all around me. By age 8 my bother had gone off to college and wasn't able to protect me anymore. When my Nana came into the picture I was 5... but my growth from her tutelage didn't begin till I was 8. From that point on she was my everything that I needed to grow; taking on all roles that my family had neglected to do.

The next 5 years my flower grew strong and healthy... my soul was receiving all of the things that It needed and I was so happy. I felt cared for again and it was magical till the day it was gone. Everyone was so busy taking care of me that I never was taught to take care of my own self; provide for my own well being. My father's illness had gotten the best of him and since Nana wasn't here to shield me from his verbal abuse my flower wilted and was no more... Weeds sprang up in its place from age 13 to 19 are what I refer to as my "lost years." Memories that were filled with pain, anger, rage, depression, emptiness, and emotional turmoil. Each memory became a new flower growing in the darkest part of my heart. A place that is sometimes too hard for me to walk through when I am in Cynnefull Gardens... but I go and see them because they are a part of me; still beautiful growing from the darkness that was my heart so long ago...

What had felt like an eternity had passed before my soul re-emerged back up to the surface in the form of a flower. Still surrounded by weeds; taken over by all of the thorny flowers that had run a muck while my soul was trying to find the strength to resurface. This was when I learned how to love myself; to fully understand that I didn't need my family to do this for me... that I could function and survive on my own without feeling like the rug has just been pulled from underneath me. My brain was trying desperately to remember how my grandmother did it; so that I could at least imitate it till I begun to acquire the skills needed to raise myself. As I was tending to my self; this precursor to Cynnefull Gardens, my dark flowers were turning into scars that would not heal emotionally. My "inner me," the tiny version of me who tended to my heart, was looking like I was a dead ringer for Carrie 2. Except these scars were killing me in a constricting manner; pressing against me while puncturing my skin. En caging me to a life that I did not want; transforming me into a person my soul did not want to become...

Eventually, I was able to forgive myself, and the others that were causing me pain to begin the healing process within my soul. So that my heart could be at ease from the strangle hold those emotions put me in. I learned how to become my own tender of my garden... which has now grown into Cynnefull Gardens. My first seed being able to open itself to the brightest sun within me that I can muster up. Who's nurturance is given freely and without a price; getting cared for the way that my creator had originally intended and was denied permission till now... Weeds are no longer present in these gardens. The dark flowers have a place of their own where the sun shines least of all on them; but it shines nevertheless.

Widowed Lies...

2009-03-29T03:58:00.000-07:00

Widowed Lies

Purple is a beautiful color and I realized that I needed a design that incorporated it more than just a splash here and there. Weird random thoughts kept popping in to my head... the one that stuck was the words: "Little girls are made up of sugar, spice and everything nice..." So the picture began to take on more feminine attributes to reflect this quote. Having different types of various females exuding different personas of the female made sense to me. The blue galaxy is the focal point to bring you into the picture so that you take in the message as a whole; not in the sum of the pieces within the picture put together. At the end I was trying to come up with the title of the design [I never name it first without seeing the finished product... even when doing them for my poems] the ending theme song from The Fifth Element" popped into my head. The song was called "Little Light of Love" by RXRA and when I heard the line 'little light' my mind changed it into Widowed Lies...

Ice Queen...

2009-03-29T03:34:00.001-07:00

Ice Queen

Ice Queen is an emotional piece with a mixture of white ice, snow and blues. At one point in my life I was an extremely cold and cruel person. My whole world had ended when my Nana died; she took with her all of my May day happiness and this summer knew what it had meant to become winter. It reminded me of the Greek myth of Persephone and why we have the seasons... Demeter's dying every time her daughter would go to the underworld causing the changes of the seasons. In this case the season being my life. Some of the ice is smooth likened to my expression back then; I was too numb to pay attention to anyone or thing. Icicles were my pointy daggers that I would throw to people who commented on how cold-hearted I had become. My body was covered in sheets of ice and was used as an armor towards the outside world. Soon I was dubbed, "The Ice Queen" or "The Icy Bitch." Winter was permanent for me; my heart locked away in a very cold and intolerable place. Depression soon set in and nothing mattered much in those days... that is why the color chosen was for the "blues."

Mysty...

2009-03-29T03:19:00.001-07:00

Mysty

The Ocean and Icebergs were always a point of interest to me... under the fullness of the moon the ocean ebbs and flows like a metronome counting out the precise rhythm of life. That visual picture in my head was the one that sparked this design to be made. Mysty is one of my more subtle pieces of artwork that involves very few layers but gives the desired effect the way that I had it intended. The iceberg int this picture was meant more to look like mist [myst] so that it took its own shape and form within the picture. Adding the hint of the Japanese cherry blossom tree in the top left corner really gave the picture a feeling of land in the background... but there isn't; the blossoms come out of nowhere and meet with the mist out of the clear midnight blue sky. It has been said that the ocean is like that of a woman so I incorporated that aspect within Mysty... this design was also one of my myspace backgrounds as well.

Emmeralde

2009-03-29T03:06:00.001-07:00

Emmeralde

Green is the closest color that my energy vibrates to... sometimes a mixture of blues and yellows but for the most part its emerald green for it vibrance. I wanted to create this ensemble of green colors together to show my blend of the energy with a hint of pink to represent the 4th charkra- the heart. Originally this was used as one of my own myspace backgrounds and that is why the "Property of Ashlee Lindsay" is not on there...

My Relationship w/ Jeff...

2009-03-28T15:28:00.000-07:00

Jeff and I have been together for over 3 years now... for the both of us this is a lifetime together! But only in the number; it hasn't felt like it has been 3 years. Both of us are 2 very distinct people...

Jeff vibrates more towards red & orange: action, anger, brutal honesty, and his animistic nature within him. Striving for perfection and purity that he rarely finds within himself and others. He is always true to himself and to his beliefs even if they hurt you unintentionally. Words to him have no meaning and the words that come out of his mouth can be detrimental to someone if they do not know who they are; or someone who takes the meaning behind the words more seriously than he does. Jeff is a true human volcano looking for someone or something to cause him to erupt. He isn't a danger to me or to anyone else; he is just rough around the edges because life has molded him that way. Jeff can be easily disgusted with things that he views that are wrong, yet he has the most wonderful laugh and childlike charm to counterbalance his less than likable qualities. His smile, genuineness and protectiveness towards me is something that I have only experienced with him within a relationship. There is no control, manipulation, breaking of my will or abuse in any way... he accepts me for me.

I on the other hand vibrate more towards a mixture of blue & yellow: thought, words, patience, honesty without cruelty, tolerant, hope, principalities, caring, and unconditional love. My extremes are felt on an everyday basis and you are never sure what you are going to get from me on any given day. My complexities are very deeply rooted in me and yet are very simplified. Beauty and appreciation of all things makes me grateful for everything that has been given to me; good and bad. Life could have made me a much colder person but I choose to be warm, generous and nurturing towards others. I am childlike; with a laugh that rivals Santa Claus. My soul, heart and mind all work together to give me that resilience that I need to survive. Faith, love and hope are my means of motivation for the cornerstones of my life. I am a combination of air and water...

This relationship is an odd mixture: one is overly caring on the outside while the other cares on the inside. One refuses to show anger openly while the other has no problem getting it out if his system. I do not need to yell, fight , or argue to get my point across; I just write/type it out of my system so that you cannot see my buttons to get underneath my skin. Jeff cannot let any type of anger linger in his system for too long because it will fester. One openly asks for help with things; the other looks at help as a criticism. Yet we are both highly intelligent creatures each in our own way; Jeff gets numbers, logic and psychics. I get emotions, behaviors and the relationship between thoughts & emotions expressed explaining it in a logical manner.

In the last 3 years Jeff and I have turned each others world upside down; I like to be around people flaws and all while Jeff cannot handle stupidity in any shape or form. He has no tolerance for anything that he cannot logically understand and I will take the time to explain it to him... Jeff gives me harshness while I try to soften him; something which he dislikes but tolerates because he loves me so much. We love each other so much that we listen to each others views/perspectives on life and find a happy medium within ourselves to co-exist with one another. Yes, we do rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time; we are constantly eroding away that part of ourselves that keeps us narrow minded and closed off from other ways at looking at the world. Re-building the core concept of who we are and what we represent into a better working version of our self for all to take notice of.

For all of Jeff's rough exterior he his quite gentle, caring and gets easily hurt if he isn't appreciated in all that he does for you. This is what I show on the outside. This is the side of him that rarely comes out because it is too vulnerable for him to show. Sometimes I have to bring out my anger to show him that words do hurt because they do have meaning; that I may be immuned to his venomous tone but that doesn't mean the poison does not affect me. That the tears that I shed are not from fear or sadness; that they are cause I am angry and my adrenaline is pumping. Lashing out only as a last resort with carefully chosen words in a tone that he will listen to. I am zen till it is time not to be zen...

Despite all of this, Jeff and I are extremely lovable towards one another which actually surprises the both of us. Our hearts have been closed off for a very long time and the fact that we allowed each other into our hearts in the first place is hard to believe. I have a giving heart but not in relationships; that nearly always leaves me broken and numb. Jeff only gives if he is in a relationship; then gives it up when the girl consistently disappoints him. We are by no means each other's "ideal companion" for one another but it is my flaws that make me human and he wouldn't have me any other way... Jeff needs someone to love him past all of the hostility and aloneness that he harbors within him; someone who knows what it is like and still can be sweet and kind all the while living with that cold feeling...

Love is an emotion that I understand well; Jeff doesn't get it and just knows that he cannot be with out me for any period of time. [makes going to work for him that much harder now that we do not work together anymore] His love for me is instinctual; primal and yet protective and nurturing...only caring about my happiness. Cause when I am happy; he is happy. Simply put: we are opposites that are just mirror images of one another's souls.

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 2

2009-03-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

My girlfriends have asked me how to be more feminine; putting on the correct make-up, dress, walk, poise, etc. and I have responded, "Watch a professional Drag Queen if you want to see the essence of what a woman should personify..." Usually I suggest To Wong foo, Looking at Vida Bohemme's character (Patrick Swayze) to show the elegance and grace that a female can and does posses. Now, I refer them to "Rupaul's Drag Race" so that they can 'see' all of the wonderful rainbows of the feminine personas to pick and choose what they want to take from each contestant; Even Rupaul herself.

For tips on applying make- up may I suggest Expert Village Videos - this link brings you to a highlighting & Contouring video... a make-up technique that you see the Drag Queens using in "RuPaul's Drag Race." I find that it is always better to watch someone do it then try it yourself then reading from a book then trying to recreate it.

M.A.C cosmetics is a good product to use if you are going to go full out on make-up. There are rumors that M.A.C is bad for your face; that the products make your face break out and whatnot but I haven't found that to be true in my case. Also used on Rupaul's Drag Race and the Queens look phenomenal! M.A.C.s range of colors and types of products makes me wish that I had the money to buy all of them and become a make-up artist for M.A.C! Take the time to really look at all of the different products to see what their uses are and if you can, and have the money go to the nearest M.A.C counter and ask for a make-over (Minimum spending is $60 I believe... but it is so worth it!)

Clothing: that can be a little bit trickier than the make-up... First of all, you need to find your body type. body types can be varying for everyone. The New York Post had a good article about this topic... also try this video: How to pick clothes for your body type. still not satisfied and want to make your own clothes... Click HERE . Sewing is a talent that not wo/man should be without; especially if you need to make something fabulous and money is an issue.

The Walk: Walking is hard enough; walking in heels is scary if you are not used to them. I didn't wear heels till I was 18, even then I couldn't walk in them. The trick- Heel then toe in a straight line; pretend like you are walking on a trapeze. One foot in front of the other heel then toe. When you do this your hips will naturally move to help counterbalance you. If your left foot is stepping then when you put your heel down your right hip will jet to the right; right foot it will be your left hip to the left. It will feel funny at first; especially if you have poor posture. Walk with your head straight and looking forward.

Posture: To feel how 'off ' your posture is try this- place your fingertips behind your earlobes (where the part of skin that connects to your neck and jawbone) and gently push up. If you cannot feel the difference immediately then have a friend stand behind you to do it to you using one hand cupping the back of your neck (thumb on one side, fingers on the other)This will definitely feel funny is you have not done this before... eyes should be in front of you; as if you are staring at someone. (If you cannot look directly at them; stare at their nose or forehead right above the eyes)

Poise: Every woman should be able to walk into a room and have all eyes immediately on them. Side effects of this include: jealous/resentful/ insecure/envious women giving you the evil eye and dawging you for the rest of the night. Relax- just smile even brighter and be even more charming even if you are crawling out of your skin; you love yourself more than they could ever hate you! Don't worry- just approach them with a sincere smile and give them a compliment; you'll be friends for the rest of the night.

Gestures: What a Drag-videos that starts with make-up and ends with poise/gestures from a Drag Queen point of view. Women move slowly and gracefully; not fast or without thought. They use smaller motions and look as if they are flowing like a river never touching the ground.

Hair: If you like wigs... Lace front wigs are the best! they are barely visible and when contoured correctly you can hardly notice. If you need a hair consult- go HERE- this link will take you to The hair styler. Giving you a more complete breakdown of your needs. (even includes your facial shape) If you aren't sure about your hair type but can look at a description and picts go HERE- this link takes you to an excerpt of Andre Walker's hair classification system on Naturally curly. These are all of the tips/hints/ secrets that i can share with you at the moment... I cannot think of anymore yet I know that I am forgetting much...

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 1

2009-03-19T01:59:00.000-07:00

As a female, should I be learning how to be a woman from Drag Queen? Yes! After much research I have found out that "drag" isn't quite the accurate word for Drag Queens; most prefer Female impersonator because they do more than just dress up as a girl. According to Wikipedia however it is the opposite... so for sake of argument I will call these "women" Drag Queens because everyone is familiar with that name.

I know that I am a beautiful woman... so much so that it reflects out of me; shinning forth from within myself. But I wasn't always like this; as a child I was literally a wall flower. I only spoke when someone asked me a question; extremely shy around others and with myself. I had no idea who Ashlee was or how to express her. She was just inside of me waiting for me to let her out yet I couldn't; I was afraid of her and what she would be capable of. To this day I still do not reveal my full personality for that same reason. The only difference is that I know who I am and how to express myself without being too in your face. Went the direction of more refined than showy; substituting brash abrasiveness, hostility and self assuradeness for grace, elegance, and etiquette, and manners. Not exactly what you would picture a Gemini to act and behave; but I looked liked a Gemini; read books, wrote, and had an affinity for schooling.

It wasn't till I hit high school and made cheer squad that You saw the transformation within me. Most people though that I had low self-esteem issues; including my mother... I just noticed as a little girl in elementary school that if you looked pretty; ascetically pleasing to the eye that you were handed things easier than if you were not pleasing to the eyes. That people gave me handouts! Doing things for me that I could do myself because I was so pretty. It actually bothered me greatly; the injustice of it all and I rebelled against it. In 1993, "Spuermodel" by RuPaul came out and I was fascinated by how well a man could look as a female... the curves of the body; the "tuck" walking in heels. I was blown away and remembered something: Watching an ode to the 80's weekend on VH1 I saw the video "love shack" by the B-52's... that was when I saw Rupaul for the first time and died at how gorgeous she was. Form this point on RuPaul has been an inspiration to me; Her balance of female personas has been something that I have admired since I knew who she was.

Then when I had to "look " the part of a cheerleader I went out and got every single month of Cosmo magazine so that I could understand what the hell I was getting myself into. This was a huge step for me cause in 8th grade I wore baggy jeans and big tops; not letting people see my figure so that they could say that my boobs were huge. (size 32 c) thanks to Cosmo I had learned how to put om make-up, and carry myself as a woman. the result showed up when A teacher even told his football students that "I am the essence of a woman and what a woman should be..." just so that they could give me my football booster award. No one knew a thing about me!

What does this side story have to do with Drag Queens!?! Everything! In order to be a great Drag Queen, you need to know what makes up the essence of a woman; so that the wo/man can become the "Queen." It is not something that we are automatically born with; it has to be learned, adapted and then applied so very well that it becomes second nature to be feminine... even girls have a major challenge to be ultra-feminine. Like the Drag Queens, I had to study the role of acting like royalty; but not being above everyone else. That is a very fine line to walk because the only thing that saves you from bitchy females are your manners... even of you want to get in their face for prejudging you due to their insecurity.

Back then I wish that I was someones Drag Daughter... taken underneath their wings and shown the way of femininity. Being a Tomboy came easier to me than putting on a fufu dress and make-up. It was too time consuming and I had things to do; trees to climb and digging in the mud. Then in 1995 the movie, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar" came out and Drag would be forever ingrained in my mind. It taught me to celebrate my womanness and be proud of what my mother gave me to shake. that it was alright to be myself... despite what others thought about me. I became more outgoing; hung out with gay men giving them the latest fashion tips that I had found out from Cosmo. Even arguing about the guys we liked! My confidence level was always high but hidden; never wanting to make the jealousy/ resentment/ envy a bigger issue than it already was. High school is tough enough as is- I didn't want to add to it. Unfortunately for me everyone else did. Cheer Mothers were telling their daughters, "why can't you be more like Ashlee..." making comments about my body; my smile, my whole persona. My friends would get reamed by their parents often being compared to me... it was horrible and had to deal with sabotage for most of my high school years...

Thank goodness I survived; did some modeling and learned the true value of applying make-up and the many effects that one can create just to one's own face... let alone someone elses. Took a course on theatre costume and make-up in college and once again reminded myself of the performer that was inside of me that I rarely showed... yet out shined everyone when she came out of her box. I transformed myself into a cheetah; wearing a cheetah print top and sarong; letting my hair naturally curl untamed by my headband... it was so thrilling and yet no one know it was me. The illusion had worked and I thought to myself." this must be how a Drag Queen feels when he gets mistaken for a woman..."

*************************************************************************************

What have we become...

2009-03-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

First off, the world being in upheaval hasn't escaped me; I feel the vibrations of things out of balance and I am very concerned about it. Whether or not this is the end of the world as we know it or not, things are not alright on any level. It's almost as if the universe has heard all of our bitching, yelling , moaning and has decided to really give us something to complain about. Mother Nature is so tired of us burning down her trees, creating global warming, senseless killing of animals, over population of her earth that she is now unleashing her full wrath on us as well... now people are turning more primal and animistic in the nature. I can't help but wonder what have become and how do we stop the terror/evil that is within ourselves from destroying everything that we love?

I look around me and see people suffering for no reason; I understand that the Universe, God, Creator needs us to suffer when it has a purpose. You need both water and rain to grow; needing both happiness and suffering to grow into the being that you are to become... but a person who has money and looks down on others for not having money; rubbing it in their faces while they are loosing their jobs, their livelihoods... well that is just plain cruel. Every second of every minute someone out there is getting their house foreclosed upon; wondering how they are going to keep a roof over their family's head. How they are going to feed their children when they cannot afford to... Teachers who shape the minds of our future are being laid off and children are slipping through the education system cracks without proper guidance and nurturing. The world that we are living in at this very moment is unraveling all around us and the only thing that can save us is us- and we have forgotten how to do that a long time ago when materialism became more important than spiritualism and communing with nature.

Were you aware that the trees aren't producing enough oxygen? In fact they are absorbing so much carbon monoxide that they cannot convert it all into oxygen and are producing less and less as a result? On top of that, we are cutting away precious rain forest trees; an animals habitat just so that human beings can be more comfortable with our precious "possessions."

Animals that I grew up learning about are about to become extinct from our direct influence on their lives. Who ever said that human beings were more superior than the animals that have been here a lot longer than we have. We were never top of the food chain; that is the illusion. Animals haven't had a reason till now to looking at us as food. Cause now it is all about survival of the fittest; natural selection at its best.

What I once thought to be human nature is not anymore; in these harsh times people are not banding together like we should be doing... given the choice they are being selfish and looking out for what is theirs. Making sure that there is plenty for them and that it sucks to be you because you do not have. People are turning greedier when they should be lending a hand to help; sharing in this time of uncertainty but they are hoarding. Treating others as inferior; worthless and without value. Have our hearts gone that cold that even though you and I all have problems mine are more important than yours!?! That we are putting ourselves before others cause we feel that entitled? Has our pride gotten so high that we cannot see the things that actually matter more than just out egos?If this has become so then human beings are destined to fall...

Hope, faith and love are my biggest strengths in this world which sort of make me an easy target to be manipulated, coerced, and constantly taken advantage of. In my heart I believe that the good outweighs the bad within us all but I have to say that people when given the chance will use you if they think that you have something that they want; discarding you when they have used you up. Do a person a favor and they are grateful, appreciative and accepting of that gift; do a person 10 favors and they are expecting the 11th. Cynical and pessimistic I know but unfortunately this is a real phenomenon that occurs much too commonly. Listen to song #76 on my playlist. It is called What have we Become by DC Talk... this song was written back in 1996... and yet it is as true then as it is now. I have linked the blog title to the lyrics for this song to get a better picture of what I am trying to convey.

I understand that people are not like me; I have accepted that and come to embrace it. I turn on the news and hear about all of the sad things going on and I understand that sad things do happen every single moment of every single day... but what I cannot comprehend is why we treat others so poorly when we just want them to accept us; the real person that isn't the lie that has to be maintained in order for appearances.

When did it become okay to intentionally make people feel smaller when they are just trying to survive the day just like you are? Everyone is guilty of lashing out at someone... but was the lashing out really necessary? I get that it is [sometimes] better to get it out of you than it is to hold it in but why that particular person at the particular time? Why continue the cycle of anger/hate/frustration onto others when you should be dealing with it yourself? So what if you are angry/hurt/betrayed... that still doesn't give you the right to take it out on someone else; or does it? In this day and age more people are starting to lead to the latter of the two and for what purpose? Cause I know that it doesn't make you feel any better... so why continue to do it.

Everyday more and more people are reverting back to their most primal of instincts and that scares me; I have seen what happens first hand when people turn primal. The switch for whats right and what;s wrong gets short circuited and want and desire run free till their whims are met...

what is wrong with people!?! Deep down everyone knows what is right and what is wrong... yet we just ignore it and do not care. Some peoples mindset are such that they would wish me harm just because I do not fit their picture of " the world would be a better place if..." scenario. They do not even know me yet they wish death or worse... all based off of my looks, name, or anything else that they find unappealing.

The world is a scary place now...people are scary; acting like beasts that are relying on lust, desire and anger. It feels as if the evil within us all is winning and all others like myself can do is just watch and pray that it doesn't happen to them.

I'm praying for all of the evil hearts to come back to good; we miss you...

Kelly Green Headband...

2009-03-13T03:48:00.000-07:00

I love to crochet...I've been doing it since I was a little girl! A lot of people crochet either the front or back of the loop; I crochet through both loops to give the yarn a better cohesiveness.

For this project I choose to keep it simple by only using a single crochet stitch (sc st) yet I am going about this headband the long way so to speak... I find that for me, it is easier and more accurate to my Afro puff that I call my hair if I make the headband using the width instead of making the full chain that fits around my head. From the pictures that I took of my fro you can see why:...

Front of the fro...

The back of the Afro...

Materials Used:

Caron One pound in Kelly Green 510- Weight: 4 medium, 100% Acrylic, 812 yrds/ 16 oz. solid, Worsted weight.
Size I crochet needle (5.5mm) *Per label on CARON ONE POUND yarn it says "I" ; thru website it says "G"*- your choice.
Crochet stich used: single crochet (sc)- Insert hook in stitch (sc) or space (sp) indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and pull a loop. Yarn Over (YO) and draw through both loops on the hook.

Like I said earlier this is a pretty simple project. I am making it on the fly without a pattern... the headband only uses a single crochet (sc). We live in a world that places more value on how difficult or how extravagant the item that you made is- beauty is also simple and elegant at the same time without being overdone and showy. That was the mindset with this project: simply beautiful and without gaudiness.

Terminology:

Cast on for this project is the same as chain...
Chain (ch)
Stitch/es (st/sts)
Single Crochet (sc)-Insert hook in stitch (sc) or space (sp) indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and pull a loop. Yarn Over (YO) and draw through both loops on the hook.
Space/s (sp/sps)
Join w/ slip stitch (sl st)- Begin with a slip knot on hook. Insert hook in stitch or space indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and draw through the stitch or space and the loop on hook.
Yarn Over (YO)- put yarn over the needle to make another loop.

To start: Cast on/ chain (ch) 16 stitches (sts) loosely ** If you want the width of the headband to be longer than 4 inches then chain more stitches**

Row 1: single crochet (sc) in chain (ch) 2nd from the hook; Single crochet (sc) across. 15 spaces (sps) total. Chain (ch) 1 and turn. *** REMEMBER: IF YOU ADD MORE STITCHES (sts) YOU WILL STILL SINGLE CROCHET (sc) IN THE 2ND CHAIN (ch) FROM THE HOOK.***

Row 2: single crochet (sc) across. 15 spaces (sps) total. Chain (ch) 1 and turn. ***Or however many stitches (sts) you decided to begin with minus 1.***

Rows 3 to end: Repeat row 2 till headband fits comfortably and snugly around your head when you pull both ends together. When ready and there are no twists join both ends w/ slip stitch (sl st). You should be joining/ slip stitching (sl st) 15 stitches (sts) using the slip stitch (sl st).***join/slip stitch (sl st) however many stitches (sts) that you dedided to use.**

Working on the rows to the end...

Cut yarn; weave in ends and viola- finished!

This pattern is very adaptable- you can change it up depending on your level of crocheting or your need not to have the headband so strong. (refer to my fro pictures to see why I needed the head band to be strong and thick)

Possible suggestions:

Add a second color around the front area and use a smaller crochet needle to make it tighter around the forehead area if it slips.
For less thickness and more movement: turn the single crochets to double crochets; shell stitches or half double crochets. Just make sure that you insert the hook in the 3rd chain (ch) from the hook... (for more information on the different kinds of basic stitches you can use along with a tutorial click HERE.) Heck- use combinations of each to get your desired effect.
Add a second color within the headband itself; better yet find a crochet chart and a pattern.
That's all of the suggestions that I'm going to give... anymore and I'll give away too much!

Need more help/ info/ tutorials: go to crochet pattern central they have everything that you ever needed to know about crochet... (link will take you to the instruction directory)

Here is their link to their free crochet patterns Directory

Use this link to view the Crochet stitches

Enjoy!

Cynnefull Gardens Layout Changes...

2009-03-13T02:01:00.000-07:00

If you are new to my blogger page you might not have noticed the changes that I have added to my blog. I am currently in the process of making my site stand out more. I am new at editing blog html and do not want to ruin my original minima template when choosing the right background image and sidebar colors. Of course I saved the template like it says but it isn't as easy as it was to change my myspace page... this requires some work on my part. I used a layout generator that made it easier to see what the changes looked like for myspace. I have found something similar but I am not sure that I like it yet. My biggest guide in this is Tips for New Bloggers: where they have given you step by step tips/help on changing your blogger page.

Since my last blog, I have added a music playlist from playlist.com and put it at the bottom of my page. Also, I am on twitter and I am debating whether or not to make my tweets public just so that I can add them to my blog page. The same is going on with photobucket and some other sites...

Have any ideas as to what Cynnefull Gardens' page should look like?

I am all ears... post a comment/ send me a myspace message titled "Cynnefull Gardens" with any codes or pictures that would be a good representation of Cynnefull Gardens and I'll consider using it as the layout! Giving you credit of course! For now... I am comfortable with the 2 columns; sidebar on the right layout.

Thank you so much for helping to make Cynnefull Gardens blooger site something that stands out!

-Ashlee

Life...

2009-03-12T04:26:00.000-07:00

I've forgotten how to hear the lessons life is trying to teach me;
Lost the language capability to interpret what she says.
As a child I knew her voice very well;
Listened to her with all of my attentiveness.
But one day her voice became jumbled;
I couldn't decipher what she meant.
Life has forsaken me;
For I have fallen out of her grace.
Intuition tells me that I should be learning more than this;
That I am more than my difficult situations.
But the patterns keep on repeating;
One progressively worse than the other.
Cause I do not understand the tests that I'm given.
I believe that I might be failing at life;
More and more patterns are snowballing into one...

Life has placed a blindfold over my eyes;
Stuffed cotton into my once wide open ears.
Forcing me to learn the hardest way;
Cause I didn't get the subtler hints.
I know that life has patience with me;
So I should have it for myself.
Faith is the one thing that we both share;
Hoping that one day I'll hear her again.
But I can't help but wonder;
How much of this I did to myself.
By not paying attention;
Even though I am an eternal student of life...

In my heart I know that life will not beat me down;
Not more than I can handle.
For life made sure that I was strong enough to cope;
Perserverant enough to deal with her lessons.
For life has faith in me;
And faith does not waiver...

Poem for Keela Grey...

2009-03-10T23:19:00.000-07:00

As you stare into her big gray-blue eyes,
Keela Grey is doing the same to you.
Investigating what is behind your gaze,
The intent within your eyes.
Once she is sure of you;
Her eyes begin to relax.
A wide mouthed smile emerges
As you hear her soul giggle.
If you are lucky,
She'll give you her cutesy smile and a wink.
To let you know that she adores you...

Constantly watching,
Learning,
Experiencing what life has to offer,
All from the comfort and safety of your hip.
Listening intently on the words that your mouth makes;
The sound that your voice carries.
Familiarizing the tone as "good" or "bad."
Memorizing what your face looks like,
To better know who you are,
And where you fit into her life...

A kind, and generous soul;
Whose impatience brought her here early;
Wanting out before her due date.
As impatient as her mother.
Surprising us all with her determination to be born
Spending a month in an incubator
With pictures of her mommy inside with her.
Spending time with loving mother that knows what she needs...

A little spiritual being that craves others vibrations
Who needs cathartic touch to be happy;
Another persons warmth to be content.
Someone who enjoys her family as close as they can be;
To make up for the time that she had plastic in between...

Keela Grey immediately warms your heart
As if she completely understands you.
Fully accepting of who she is around.
Looking at you with sheer curiosity,
As she sucks on her Binky
Dropping it out of her mouth to see if you are paying attention;
Giving you the jerk around if you're not...

Sweetly crying only when she is wet or hungry;
Just to let you know that things aren't alright.
As soon as her needs are met her huge smile returns
Like nothing ever happened.
She laughs and tries to talk to you
Mimicking the songs that you sing to her.
Raising and lowering her coos to show you that she's learning

Keela Grey is her very own person;
Even at several weeks old.
She's beginning to form her likes and dislikes-
All within a glance.
She'll give you the stink eye if you take her bottle away,
Or put her down to change.
Then bat her long lashes coyly
As if to say she's sorry...

Sleeping like an angel so close to your beating heart
Reaching out for your fingers,
Making sure that you're still there.
Popping her eyes open if she thinks that she's not held
Slowly closing them just in case you put her down...

Sleep away little Keela
So that you can dream and grow;
Know that you are safe and protected;
Surrounded by your family;
People who truly love you...

Gift of My Love...

2009-03-08T01:36:00.000-08:00

Today, I give you the gift of my love...
The unconditional part of my inner being
So that you can remember what it feels like to be cared for.
Nurtured, and Loved.
This gift is given freely;
With no strings attached.
So that you may be able to heal
The wounds that cannot be healed.
My unconditional love is with you;
Even though we are far away-
So that one day you can be happy-
Without the fear of something bad occurring.
Cause you deserve happiness;
With that comes love...

Light and Dark

2009-03-06T22:29:00.000-08:00

I wanted you to see me for who I am
Try to understand where I was coming from
Your insignificant generosity brings me to tears
I did everything that you ever asked of me
Still that wasn’t enough for you
Your cold selfish heart could never penetrate the things that I hold dear
The person that I thought you were turned into a hellish demon
Replacing love and kindness with deep seeded anger and resentment
My heaven with you turned to hell. . .
So hell is really paved with good intentions
I never asked you to be a better man for me; that pressure you put on yourself
Things could have been different, but then was it suppose to be?
You decided to turn to the darkness while I went to the light
My spark that I lent to you could not be seen
The goodness that rubbed off on you is no longer visible anymore
The evilness that is you prevails and I am free from your reign
I can walk in the light without fear of you pulling me back

Fighting With the Ex...

2009-03-06T22:16:00.000-08:00

My body is tired
I’ve lost my will to fight
Too many emotions have I gone through in this last night
My tear ducts are so puffy that I can’t see
Just because you chose to ignore me
I’m not the easiest to deal with
But what you tired to accomplish in your infinite wisdom produced a scar that will never heal
How can you sit there and say that “you’re teaching me a lesson”
One by the way I have been already taught,
Re-taught and learned not by you but by the others that came before,
By my own father and by my culture
You sit up on your high throne thinking that you have done nothing wrong
Go on living your life normally while I have suffered
Blowing off my calls because you have better things to do
Making me second to everything including a shower and video games to put me in check
I am not some animal that you can give cruel and unusual punishment to!
Especially when you know how fragile I am
Your menace in your eyes towards me
Your undeniably stone cold face in front of me
I sensed no emotion from you
My heart is weak and wounded
Since you can’t take the time out of your busy schedule to deal with me
Knowing that my depression will soon get the best of me
You have put me into my internal hell again
Something that I struggle with constantly from you
You brought me back here to a place I loathe
Making me think that this is where I belong
You just rejected me like all of the others did
Making me understand that love will never find me
I hoped that my long search was finally over
But alas, all I found was illusion
This is why I will forever choose not to love
To let myself be vulnerable in this way
You were my last hope in a dream that will be forever lost in me
My heart fells nothing anymore
All this because you couldn’t say that I was misplaced in my anger?
Because you didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Because you have more important things to deal with...
Your depressed girlfriend who you made this way?
Who just wanted to know why you wouldn’t return her phone calls?
Why you wouldn’t tell her a simple I’m sorry?
Games are never the answer
Just more problems that lead further from a resolution
You who I trusted, loved and confided into
Would have to resort to this childishness just to prove your point?
At the risk of destroying us forever?
I forgot you only think about yourself
You never think about the other people involved do you?
It never occurred to you what effect you would have over me
And yet somehow it still is all my fault that I suffered at your expense
Yet you’re the one who has no remorse and you call me the psycho bitch
Only further instilling in me that my thoughts and ideas that make up my depression are true-
They are always in connection to you
And that they will never change as long as I am with you.
I am done suffering for your love
Time to break free of you-
This depression that you keep me in to make me submissive
So that I can know what it means to be loved...
Loved in the right way-

Pondering...

2009-03-06T22:11:00.000-08:00

As I sit back here and ponder how different life is
I ask myself how was I able to turn my life around
Why was I the one chosen few to be able to come back from oblivion?
From being in my own personal hell on earth to such happiness for life?
Was it god that heard my frantic cries?
Or was it the spirit of my ancestors that passed before me telling me that all would be well?
I wonder how I allowed myself to become broken and used
A mere shadow compared to what I had the potential to be?
Still do not know how I let someone extinguish my flame and control me into nothing
Back then was I so naive and starved for love that I was willing to do anything to feel loved
Was it imprinted on me so much that I put myself in a false sense of security
Or was this experience merely a life lesson that I had to go through
In order to get to who I have always been and chose to ignore it?
Ignoring the fact that I have always been on my own?
Having taken care of myself letting no one tell me what I can or cannot do
These thoughts jumble my brain as a recurring nightmare of a past life -
1 I chose to repress
Like the phoenix I have risen from my own ashes
Been reborn into the person that I truly am
Letting my flame shine with an eternal fire that no one can put out.

Watching Keela Grey...

2009-03-06T20:12:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I had the privilege to baby sit my newest niece Keela Grey. Keela was suppose to enter this world on x-mas '08 and be a Capricorn... she had other ideas for herself. She came into this world on October 23rd, 2008 at 2:02am making her a double Leo with Scorpion tendencies.

Keela was 2lbs 15 and a 1/2 ozs... at the time she was born. 16" long. 8 weeks early and yet she let out a loud and boisterous cry to let us know that her lungs were fully developed. We went and visited her and my sister Kristin in the hospital as many days as we could afford to go.

It was difficult seeing her with all of those tubes stuck in her but I managed to put my fears aside and project encouraging thoughts towards her being able to come home. Keela came home November 3, 2008 and she was a little bit over 4 and a half pounds. Technically she's 4months old but I found out that you count from her due date- making her 8 and a half weeks.

As of Yesterday Keela Grey is 10 pounds 1 ounce and has begun to learn how to smile and laugh. She absolutely adores her auntie Ashlee and is so comfortable with my energy that she has no worries in the world. Only when she needs something does she let out a few cries- just to let you know that she is wet or hungry; other than that she's a really well behaved little girl. Her eyes are so big that it looks like she is staring through you instead of at you. When she saw me Keela stuck her tongue out at me- it was the last thing that I did when I left her on Sunday showing me that she remembered who I was.

We danced, I sang to her, she tried to talk to me- interaction at its most basic yet making such a huge impact on her little psyche that will help shape her into the person she will become. I experienced my first diaper change and Keela didn't scream bloody murder! For some reason she doesn't like her diaper changed- maybe it is the act of being exposed; but as soon as you are finished she has a big smile on her face and all is well. Child development is such a wonderful things to watch, observe and interact with. You are accepted by her even though she cannot make out your intentions- she can feel your vibrations and knows that she's safe.

As I said my goodbyes to Keela I could tell that she didn't want me to leave and it put a smile on my soul...

Flowered Center Slouch Hat W/ Flowers

2009-03-06T02:30:00.000-08:00

Hats are a natural part of my wardrobe... I never leave home without one. So when I re-discovered my talent for knitting and crocheting I wanted to make myself a hat. Not just any hat- a rasta or beret. When I was searching on the internet I stumbled across a website called crothetpatterncentral.com and looked around. Under hats I doscovered this cute hat and decided that this would be the hat that I wanted to create:

For my version of LeKeesha Lowe's Ramdomscreamer's Pattern I added 4 Crocheted flowers and made it Purple. materials used:

Vanna's Choice Print in Purple Mist - mixture of light liliac and dark violet. Weight category- 4. Medium worsted; Afghan, Aran yarn. 100% Acrylic
Asseccory flowers- Petals: Bernat Softee Baby in Soft Liliac - Weight Category- 3. Light; 100% Arcylic
Asseccory flower center: Lion Brand Yarn Baby Soft in Cream- Weight Category- 3. Light: DK, Light worseted yarn; 60% Acrylic, 40% Nylon
Size 5.00mm needle (H)

This project took me about 20 mins to complete. I am much faster crocheting than knitting... but all and all I am pretty happy with the way that it came out! When I was finished the hat looked like it needed a little something more... so I decided to add 4 flowers: 1 at the center and 3 in a cluster off center from my head.

Purple is such a soothing color for me...

Music's Beat...

2009-03-04T23:52:00.000-08:00

I want to get lost in the music’s beat
To let myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drum
Waiting for the release that’s about to come
The music invites my soul to show itself to it
Bending shaping and molding it into what it sees fit
Causing something in me to come alive
With a kind of sexy jive
My hips start to move in an erotic sway
With my body following the music all the way
Transforming into something I secretly am
And loving it because I don’t give a dam
Getting lost in the music’s beat
Letting myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drums
Waiting for the release that almost comes
The eyes of desire finally settle on my prey
Enticing him to wonder my way
As his hands slowly wrap around my stomach and hold me tight
I give into him and the hunger that I fight
Deliciously tempting him with the movements of my body
Making him think something that’s naughty
Pleasuring myself in him with our bodies intertwined dancing as one
This is where I begin to have my fun
To get caught up in the sultry beat
Giving off excessive heat
Becoming a seductress in the entrancing sound of the drums
Gladly accepting the release that comes

Pedestal...

2009-03-04T23:46:00.000-08:00

People stand me on a pedestal
Watching me to see if I can remain still
I’m not perfect and I don’t choose to be
Unfortunately that’s not what people choose to see
People stare at me in wonder
Trying to see if I make a blunder
But no as always somebody’s forever watching me
Because I’m the person that they strive to be
People stand me on a pedestal
Trying not to look down or fall
But what people don’t see is that I hurt inside
Partly because I don’t show my venerable side
Hurt and disappointment are my nearest friends
And they’ll always be there in the end
Funny how I get along with discord and mayhem
And how they go so well hand in hand
Well, I’ve fallen off the column which you have so put me on
So your view of me as a role model should be gone
But alas my pedestal only grows even more
Making my arms and legs painfully sore
Please leave me to wallow in my own sadness alone
These are the times that I wish that I had a clone
My joints hurt from holding my motionless pose
Yet you marvel and admire me at how I can keep such repose

Love's Cruelty...

2009-03-04T23:11:00.000-08:00

Tonight some girl's heart is breaking
Ripping into many pieces;
Tears of pain are flowing down their cheeks
Wondering what they did wrong.
Playing that last moment over in their heads
Sticking themselves into their own personal hell.

You're at home feeling relieved;
That you got rid of the excess baggage.
By breaking up with the person that you stringed along
You're free to do what ever you please
A smile comes over you
Cause now you are free...

Tonight some girl's heart has stopped pumping.
Cause the shock was too much for them.
They have gone numb from the experience
Getting closer to a catatonic state.
Soon the coldness will set in
And the bright soul will be lost.

You corrupted another innocent;
Taking away their distrust of you
Helping them to lower their guard down
So you could swoop in for the kill.
Now that you've had her,
Your conquest is complete...

Tonight some girl's heart has been reduced to ashes
Dried up from all of the rejections in their life.
Their once lively heart had turned arrid
Left with the bitterness that sour love has given them.
The heart is overtaken by depression
Loosing their will to live.

You cannot understand what the big deal is
It was fun while it lasted
Now that you have grown bored of her
Time to move on to someone bigger and better
Her eyes show that she cannot believe it
Shaking her head in disbelief...

She begs you not to end it
To give her another chance
You push her off of you
Saying a few choice words to make it clear
She says that she'll die with out you
You tell her to prove it...

Tonight that some girl's heart is no more...
The tears that once flowed have stopped.
Their soul is no longer tormented
By memories of their love that have been lost
Emotions that were once beautiful
Now reflect the awful truth...

That even though you loved her;
It wasn't in the right way.
You took her love for granted...

She took your words to heart.
Honoring your final request...
Now that she's dead what do you have to say?

What is PURCYNNE: Poetry?

2009-03-04T05:10:00.000-08:00

Many people have asked me:

What PURCYNNE: POETRY is... and why is it different from the labels POEM, POETRY?

Here is the best explanation that I can give to you:

PURCYNNE: Poetry are like my journal entries of my life. They reflect the raw emotion that is my life and how life experiences/ situations affected me at the time that they occurred. The poetry contained as a purcynne: poetry are intensely personal and are sometimes even hard for me to read after I have typed them. They cover a wide range of topics just like my emotional spectrum of feelings do. I write poems to express most of my feelings; cause often times I do not have anyone to tell these things to. It is rare that you ever see me write a poem with a pen and paper. My method is to type them out on the computer where I can just create them; not worrying about spell check. I do that at the end later. I think as fast as I can type so it is actually easier for me to type then write.

The name itself is Purely Cynnefull put together to make "person." I am a pure writer by nature and was lucky enough to have an English teacher that opened up my mind to Natalie Goldberg's book- Wild Mind: Living the writer's life. This book helped me to write my first thought and that is why my poetry can be felt with such an emotional impact.

It was a big deal for me to share these poems with others due to how close they hit home for me. But I thought to myself, "Maybe these poems could be of some use to others..." That gave me the courage to share them with the readers of Cynnefull Gardens.

They are still poems and poetry but the are my life story and that is why it gets it's own label.

Why haven't I written my own book of poetry yet?

Honestly, I wouldn't know how to organize them into a book. They are all saved on my hard drive and begging for me to put them into a book but there are so many that it is overwhelming to figure out how to make them fit cohesively into a book.

Another thing is that I am constantly creating poems and would feel horrible if I published a book that was missing an essential poem that I wrote after the fact. I tend to do that a lot with my poetry. Some of these poems are such that I would have to explain where they came from and the why... which I have not done for the majority of my poetry works.

Some of my works have been on poetry.com but other than that... I keep them to myself till now.

Transformation of My Selves

2009-03-04T03:25:00.000-08:00

At the moment of birth
My destiny was to be Air
The universe saw to it that I shall be the air sign of Gemini;
Mercurial in nature;
Invisible,
Intangible
Barely heard;
Never seen.
Everywhere yet no where;
But always there just out of your reach.
Light breezes, slightly warm and gentile air
Staying to the sky,watching from afar.
Watching what was going on and actively not participating more than I had to.
My head was in the clouds,
Daydreaming my life away.
Not caring, not worrying;
Just floating along like the leaf in the wind.
There was the occasional harsh wind,
Cold wind, relentlessly hot wind for brief moments
Then drastically change to calm and serene.

After experiencing loss of a loved one;
My All in the world.
I sought higher ground
Away from people,
Hurtful things and feelings that could affect me
I let the sun's rays engulf me and I became transformed into fire...
I am white hot heat.
I am white burning light
I am the sun; not just any fire,
I had to become as heated as the sun
I denied my grief;
Becoming more keen on my self than others
I turned to my anger to get me through this ordeal.
It made me focused,
Determined, and very beautifully dangerous...
All logic that was full of passion,
Seduction and ego
Too trusting of my friends that led to my demise
To my flame being extinguished forever

Due to "3 friends" selfishly blind jealousy
Envy that ended up in the raping of my innocence.
Leaving me in a complete and utter darkness that I had not known before.
I was now red heat...
I was a fiery rage...
I was a Phoenix that has now become darkened...
A darker and deeper shade of red...
A new set of pain,
Horror,
Trauma that this place within my heart had not seen before
I knew what suffering was now,
An anger that was so great that I knew what rage felt like.
Overwhelming rage and loss of control...
Screaming at the top of my lungs "why me?"
"Why was I the chosen one?"
"To bear all of these gifts that were bestowed upon me?"
"Why was my life ruined just for 3 hours of defilement??
So they could feel satisfaction in between my thighs??"
It destroyed me thoroughly...
The idea that my closest friends would lust for me in that way.

I gave into the coldness that my heart was feeling,
Turning from rage into the ice blizzards that become menacing within seconds.
I was known as the Ice Queen in every way shape and form...
Numb to everyone and everything.
Those 3 hours still remaining as a part of my psyche.
There had to be more than just this coldness within my shattered heart
There had to be more to me than just ice...

Water.
Within the ice is water
Water that hasn't be moved emotionally in God knows how long
That needs to be warmed up again
Reminded how to be warmed up again...
Slowly but surely the ice will melt and give way to what I really am...
The biggest water there is on Earth now.

The ocean.
The sea.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotion.
I cannot be denied but only consoled by my mother the moon
She keeps me in check;
Providing the rhythm that keeps me from going out of control.
I have many depths,
Many colors,
No one will know what color blue I will pretend to be
You do not know me;
Nor would you ever take the time to see;
That there is more to me that meets the eye
Something that makes me hauntingly familiar yet mysterious in so many ways
I am unpredictable,
Chaotic,
Witholding massive internal storms from unleashing
But you would never see that from the outside...
I hide it too well
My waters are calm, and clear like that of a Bahamian beach
Enjoying this paradise like it was intended on the surface
If you go a little deeper,
Coming out of the shallow end you will see that the water gets a shade darker,
The water gets a little colder,
The footing begins to get unsure...
Stay away from me if you are afraid to drown
I am necessary yet abused,
Mistreated,
Polluted and taken for granted
My relaxing blues turn into pitch black abysses underneath it all...
I make my own colors like the bio luminescent fish that live deep within me...
Can your emotions match mine?
I am alone with my mother,
Knowing the incredible strength that I posses yet do not know how to use it.
Waiting in vain for someone to try to understand
What no one else wanted to see
Like sleeping beauty slumbering till she found her prince...
Learning the hard way that no one was strong enough to accept all of me...

What was left of the blue faded away,
To the deepest black that I had ever been to within me.
My only company were things that I couldn't see,
That I could only feel...
And when I thought that I couldn't get any deeper
I realized that there were no bounds...
I was going to keep on getting deeper and deeper
Till I felt the whole range of black and what that entailed.
It felt like forever,
Falling into the blackness,
Getting used to the black abyss that was me
Understanding the black and learning what it had to teach me...
To the point of where it became a comfort

Then I hit what felt like dirt...
Soft squishy mud that cushioned my fall.
My mother the moon didn't save me, but my father did
It was him that heard my heartfelt wish and manifested it into reality
Because he couldn't handle me being so dark.
Then I was saved by the one thing that I had never thought could save me...
A strong male's reciprocated love.
The one thing that I had given up on for obvious reasons was my only savior.
A pure,
Sincere and genuine love that was spiritual,
Physical and mental.
The strength that I needed wasn't found in other Water,
Fire,
Air or any combination that those 3 that I was suppose to be turned into...

They were too controlling,
Dominating,
And deceitful.
Thinking that love was just some game they didn't want to loose at...

What about Earth??
It could be strong enough to hold me
But would it be flexible enough to deal with me?
Can the Earth get as deep as I can?
Feel the heat as I do?
Would the Earth even want to?
Most importantly would he understand me?
My father was right...
The earth was strong enough to hold me...
Strict but fair,
Harsh but in a loving manner,
Hating you because they love you so damn much...
The Earth could take care of me,
Provide me a place to be myself
To be what he needs me to be to help complete him...
I found something to ground myself to.
To remind myself that no matter how deep or wide I can become
I have a safety net that will protect me
I have found my home.
Nothing seems to get underneath my skin because I just retreat into the earth
Into our beautiful cave of clear blue water with stalagmites and stalactites
Where no one can reach us...

On a personal note:

This was one of the most difficult poems that I had ever written...partly because it touches on so many of my negative experiences within my life. Wasn't sure if I was ready to share this poem with the world but Cynnefull Gardens is where I can put all of my emotions out for everyone to see without judgement. I have other poems that go over each negative experience separately but this one made me cringe the most to see where I started from in life and where I had ended up at certain parts of my life. It was my Nana who died- I was 13 years old and coincidentally she passed on my mother in law's birth date. (March 31st)

The rape occurred when I was 18, and about to start college. Since it was 3 of my friends whom I knew for over 6 years that one left a scar... in a lot a of different ways. I left out how my father passed away the day after my 19th birthday... it was just too much for me to add to list of what this poem entails. As an air sign I was never fully prepared for feeling as much as I have over the course of my life. It is a misnomer to think that Geminis cannot feel; they feel so much that it hurts them and they try not to feel by remaining neutral on the outside. Not allowing themselves the time to dwell on how they should be reacting to what just happened and using rationalization to cope. I on the other hand am a "12th house Gemini" so my emotional capacity is that of an ocean... look into my eyes and you will understand.

Each transition or transformation that I had to make within the poem is genuine. I have dealt with many things both good and bad within my life and I still have a lot of long years ahead of me. Transformation of My Selves is my life in a nutshell up until 3 years ago- by using the elements I was able to describe how each phase felt like within me. This poem could have been much longer but I felt that it was long enough as is. Jeff, my love, is an Earth sign- Virgo. We amazingly complete each other because he is Earth and Fire while I am Air and Water. We cancel each other out or compliment one another depending on our mood.

Eyes Refocused...

2009-03-04T02:46:00.000-08:00

Something is different...
Waves of clarity have finally found their way inside of me
The blurriness of life is coming into focus
As if I am waking from a dream...
I look around me and the sharpness of life has hit me
Suddenly I realize that nothing is what it appears to be
The facade of everything has seemed to vanish;
I now see what was hidden from my sight.
Enlightenment has graced me with it's presence
Embraced me within its arms of truth.
This life is merely an illusion
My heart is now broken with the pain that the naivety of life has left me
Now my eyes have turned to mirrors
Reflecting a person that I do not recognize;
One that is filled with self- awareness and love

The friends that I thought were there for me
Never were there to begin with;
Just living in denial because they were using me.
I don't have the same feelings about the things that I used to hold dear;
Cause now I know that they weren't.
Just haunted memories of a time when I was happy...
Understanding that I am much stronger than people give me credit for
Cause they choose to see my kindness as weakness
Just because I happen to be a delicate female...

My eyes are open for what feels like the first time
Refocused to what they were intended originally to see-
The things that people hide within.
Seeing past the persona that is the lie.
Perceiving my reality as what it truly is-
Revealing to the other what they fear within them.
Seeing the bigger scope of what needs to be done-
To shift all of the evilness within to be of the light
Focusing on just how deep all of the hatred goes within one's self
Empathising with all of the darkened souls that cannot see the light
Who cannot feel it or touch it within their souls
Letting them know that it is okay to feel loved.

Thinking to myself how to bring about this change...
Through one person reaching out to others through love
Extending a helping hand out to those who search for something that they can't explain.
Aiding to reach them with the language of music;
A universal wave of love that can bring us together
Unite us all under one universal consciousness
So that we can all see what can be accomplished by self love
So that they know that they are not alone
That others feel their pain,
Sorrow,
Anger,
Anguish so that they can feel cared for by loving them self

Life's Hidden Message...

2009-03-04T02:14:00.000-08:00

Life-
What is she trying to teach me?
How much do I need to learn?
I feel her invisible hands
Sculpting me,
Molding me,
Shaping me,
For what purpose?
For what end?
What is it that I am suppose to be preparing for?
Which lessons do I need to learn from?

Life-
So many lessons to be bombarded with
To test the kind of character that I have formed
Seeing the person that I am to become as a result of this assessment
Wondering when all of this is said and done
How my tone of voice will sound
With what resonance will it carry?
Is my head held up high?
Trying to figure out the depths of my emotions from behind my eyes.
Envisioning what my eyes will say about me and my life...

Life-
So meticulous in the way that it pushes me;
Making sure that I am the best person that I should be
Forcing me to learn from my mistakes
Teaching me to accept full accountability for my erroneous actions
Learning and applying from my past to ensure a better future...

Life-
Is she friend or foe?
Helping or hindering me?
Pushing or pulling me into what she wants
Like a mechanic taffy machine
Giving me a see-saw of emotional based extremes
Hurting me on a regularly consistent basis...

Yet the pain lessens each time I open up my eyes
Making me stronger every moment that passes;
As if Life is training me to succeed.
Overcome,
Persevere.
Convincing me to notice all of life's subtleties;
It's complexities to see them within myself.
Showing me what I am made of
Capable of...

Life-
Tempting me,
Luring me to step wrongly;
Testing me to see if I have learned the past lesson.
Committing it to memory as a hidden truth.
Readying me to the next life lesson
Double checking to see if I had forgotten it.
Keeping me on my toes to bring out my full potential
So that I may shine;
On the outside
Like the brilliant sun exuding outward of my body for all to see...

Life-
Put me through hell and back
Having me burn in the fiery flames to remove all of my impurities
Unmasking the veils that have disillusioned me;
So that I am fit to be of the light and walk within it
Giving me back the spiritual memories of my heaven
Love in it's purest form.
Revealing Life's hidden message-
The true version of me.

Keela Grey's Baby Blanket

2009-02-18T00:20:00.000-08:00

This is the original picture of the baby blanket that I decided to make for my niece Keela Grey. It is #24 baby blanket from the book Best of Terry Kimbrough Baby Afghans by Leisure Arts.

Keela's version is a little different: I used different colors:

Lion Brand Yarn Baby Soft Cream 099
Lion Brand Yarn Baby Soft Baby Pink Pompador 201

and added accessory flowers in the corners with the baby pink pompador...

I used 2 different floral patterns in opposite corners.

The second corner involved rosettes. After all was said and done this is what the finished product looked like minus the floral corners:

Battle Won

2009-02-12T22:20:00.000-08:00

The battle within his heart has been lost.
Hatred and anger have won.
Love that I had felt emanating from him is now gone.
The happiness and contentment once felt is no longer.
Selfishness has taken over his entire being.
Forcing me into silence and tears...

I look at my Love's hollow shell,
Seeing his physical appearance as the person I love
But the eyes are colder; harsher
Words louder, crueler and meaner than normal.
Proving to me once and for all that the warmth disappeared.
My love has vanished...

Turning into pure resentment
Towards the person that he loves...

I Am the Love Within Me

2009-02-09T00:39:00.001-08:00

Light and love enfold me,
Surround me, Protect me.
Moving through me as pure energy.
Fueling everything in this universe.
I open myself like the flower blooming for the sun,
Becoming the bliss that fills my heart.
Like a spiritual being trying to break free,
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...S
hining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...I am the love within me.

Sweet, Soft Whispers

2009-02-09T00:36:00.000-08:00

You speak to me in sweet,
Soft whispers...
Secretly mouthing the words"I love you"
Into my already exposed soul.
Sweeping me off of my feet,
As if I were weightless in your arms.
Truly I am yours...
I am under your spell completely.
Willing to surrender my spirit.
To surrender my entire being.
Only to spend forever with you.
My Heart.
My Love.
Are inside your protective love.
You speak to me in sweet, soft whispers...
Loud enough for only our hearts to hear.
Chanting lovely melodic tones of love.
Singing like angels to their beloved creator.
At last, my soulmate has been found...

Oak Trees Blowing in the Wind

2009-02-09T00:34:00.000-08:00

I look to my left to hear the wind
Blowing vibrantly through my oak tree.
Asking for my undivided attention
Coyly playing with me to watch its movements...
Showing me what power air possesses.
Intangible yet everywhere and nowhere.
The elusive wind gently moves green oak leaves.
Caressing them with invisible care.
Rhythmically swaying to & fro like a dance.
As the clear breeze shakes the leaves,
Percussion takes over my ear drums.
Like waves hitting the sand.
I am called home.
As the wind slowly moves over the leaves...

Peace flows through me.

Audreym's Evenstar Gloves

2009-02-05T02:33:00.000-08:00

Finally, Cynnefull Garden Knits has arrived!

At the moment I am working on some original designs by me... once I finish my mock up pattern writing I will post them here!

The Evenstar gloves are simply beautiful! I love to knit cables and having fingerless gloves just made these glove that more fun to knit. I chose to make the gloves in white...

The picture that I took do not do the cable justice. On the other side there are also normal cables till you reach the palm. Go to Audreym's Occassional Blog for pattern instructions and more pictures.

Life Lessons... Learned the Hard Way

2009-01-30T18:21:00.000-08:00

Usually when the world turns its back on me I quietly reflect in my Cynnefull Gardens... today, I opted to visit my sister Kristin and play with my 1 month old niece Keela. She lives by the beach and I thought that maybe if I played with an innocent it would make me feel better. It did. When you are around kids they do not lie to you, use you or deceive you in any way. All they want is love, attention and affection. Babies do not pretend to like you; they either do or don't. You are not searching for their hidden intentions or having to have your guard up constantly. Babies see you for you, accept you weather you have money or not. They look into your heart, and soul to see who you are...

I am learning a very huge life lesson right now, people [keeping the names out of this for blog's sake] do not care about you. Only YOU care about YOU! Others pretend to care when it suits them; when they find out that you have nothing to offer them magically they dissapear. Up until about 3 weeks ago I realized that human beings are leaning more towards the side of selfish than selfless. Now that the economy is going into a reccession, everyone is out for themselves; any charitable or humanistic understanding of this global recession has fallen on deaf ears making way for the "I gotta get mine before you get yours" mentality to spread like wildfire.

Everyday more and more people are losing their jobs, their homes, their families cause there isn't enough money in their employer's bank account to go around. All the business people care about is "where's the money you owe me!?!" Where are the jobs at so that I can get hired and you can get paid? Oh yeah, that's right California is at a all time high with unemployment... none of that matters to the people who are screaming for their money. They just want their money. Does anyone else understand that it is bad for everyone everywhere? We are all suffering, money is just one of the many issues at hand that is perpetuating the cycle of selfishness even more.

I subscribe to the fact that we all are spiritual beings in search of a humanistic experience; not the other way around. So it is hard for me to be surrounded by all of this ugliness for no other reason than people wanting their money.

True Nature

2009-01-30T17:51:00.000-08:00

My world has turned upside down,
The people that I knew to be good aren't.
Now that I have no money,
Their true nature has shown through.
It's funny how people only care when when you have something they want.
Or that you are paying them to care...
But when you honestly ask for help
Because you do not know what to do
All they can say is "sorry, but you still owe me $$$"
They do not care that they are taking all of the money you have.
Not understanding what their ripple is causing.
It's all about getting theirs...
No matter what the cost.
Business is business...
Now that I have nothing monetary,
No one stuck around.
No one is understanding...
Cause the hardest lesson of all is that they never cared.
Since there is nothing to use me for I am expendable and cast aside.
All they wanted was my money first and foremost.
I was too naive to understand that till now.
Trusted too easily in the people that I respected.
That they would be fair given this economic struggle...
But business has no humanistic tendencies
And a person who is spiritual shouldn't have selfishness
I fell into the trap of trusting a Spiritual businessman;
Who's first and foremost reaction is to get his money
No matter what the cost to the person he's getting it from.

Coming Soon to Cynnefull Gardens...

2009-01-24T00:06:00.000-08:00

Cynnefull Garden Knits & Crochets!

Already in the works is my ravelry profile that has some of my finished works (it isn't much right now but it will be!)... currently I am working on adding progress bars and my finished works to my blogger sidebar. The simple progress bar on the side is only the beginning. In the future I plan to have pictures, yarns added and maybe even the start date. Eventually I will write patterns and place them here in the Cynnefull Gardens blog... just not yet.

Don't worry... I am not changing this blog to strictly yarn crafts; I want to expand my blog to cover all of the creative things that I do within my garden. You will still be able to find my artwork and poetry; now you'll be able to find knits & crochets as well!

In the Beggining

2009-01-22T17:26:00.000-08:00

I didn’t understand how important it was to be a Village Fighter
Didn’t comprehend how much different this style of fighting is
Had no idea of what I was getting myself into;
How hard I would have to work
That my body would become bruised and battered;
Sore and stiff
Being overloaded with electrical signals of pain and agony
Shooting strait up to my brain traveling at the speed of light

I didn’t know any of these people that took this class
Surrounded by strangers;
Looking at their sashes to see who had a black one.
Not getting exactly what it meant.
That they have already endured what I am just beginning to understand
Persevered against everything that has been thrown at them and survived
How much time, effort and long hours of practicing
Not realizing all of the trauma, pressure and stress they have undergone

I couldn’t understand why there were more women than men
Or how I was ever going to re-train my body to put weight in my heels;
Not on the balls of my feet like dance has taught me.
That at times this system will drive you crazy;
That it is one of the hardest systems to learn…
Didn’t understand how encompassing The Art of Village Fighting is
How lucky I am to have Sifu Gates as my teacher
Didn’t dream that I would be able to move the bags

I didn’t know that I had to empty my cup to make room for Kung-fu
That I would get into arguments over keeping my right to go to kung-fu
Didn’t know that the studio would become my therapy sessions
That it would help me deal with life itself…
All I knew was that this was what I had been looking for
Understood that this martial arts would give me the discipline that I needed within my life
That it would give me balance in this unbalanced world
Accepting Village Fighting as part of my life;
Facilitating me to outshine where I have gone a rye in life

Practice Makes Perfect

2009-01-22T17:22:00.000-08:00

My body may have many black and blue marks.
Hurt to touch in numerous areas;
Definitely some stiffness the next morning…
Never tears falling down my face from the horrific trails of class.
Feeling the soreness the my body has endured the night before
Remembering when I felt the onset of the bruise…
Going over inside my head if I moved too slow to properly block that kick
Grimacing in pain as I realize that the lactic acid is within my muscles
My body is screaming at me to stop all of this pain
My mind refuses to listen.
Ignoring all of the pain receptors trying to tell it otherwise,
I slowly breathe in and hold it for a moment.
Closing my eyes and reliving the previous night.
Exhaling to meditate the pain away
Chanting the mantra, “pain is only weakness leaving the body.”
Knowing that this kind of training only makes me stronger;
A more capable person when it comes to village fighting.
When it comes to life itself…
Smiling to myself because tonight I will go back to kung-fu again
Despite all of the protests my body is assembling.
Not wanting to take the pain to my threshold;
Panicking over if my skills have improved from the last night
Grasping that I am giving everything within me to be knowledgeable about my curriculum;
To get knocked down to the floor and do it over again
And again till I get the feel of the motion.
That it becomes second nature,
Pounding and slamming onto the mat.
Uncovering the hidden lessons embedded deep within the techniques given.
Recognizing that the pain has a purpose;
Letting me know that I am getting stronger each time that I practice
That this pain is necessary in my learning process of kung-fu
To strike and be struck;
Taking in how devastating the technique can be.
Experiencing what it means to be on the warrior’s path;
Welcoming back the exquisite pain that I know so well…
Letting you know that you’re on the right path.
Forging you to be the warrior,
To fight through all of the fatigue and push past the wall
So that I can be more than what I already am;
Complete

Hope Reigns Over All Today...

2009-01-20T15:23:00.000-08:00

Today, is a day that will live in history as the day that an African American assumed the United States Presidency. As I watched the Presidential Inauguration, I couldn't help but notice just how many people showed up in zero degree weather to catch a glimpse of Obama and his family. KTLA channel 5 zoomed in on the crowds of people... they were crying, smiling and I could tell that they were filled with hope in a time that looked dismal. I was overcome with internal feelings of assurance and overwhelmed by the fact that I got to witness something that African Americans were told would never happen!

This being that day after Martin Luther King Jr. day just makes it even more special then it already is. I was shown today that the human spirit can overcome anything if given enough will and desire behind it. Obama has so much love and compassion within him that it just spills out of him in spades and America can see it. The upliftment of hope can do wonders for everyone... and it is this hope that is a human beings' greatest gift of strength and yet it is looked upon unfavorably by most of the younger generations born after 1985. It brought tears to my eyes, heart, spirit and soul to see Hope alive within the human spirit again.

On a personal note, This is something that I never thought would ever happen. Period. Due to all of the negativity, lower- based emotions, and racial opposition that is still present in this world, a black president was out of the question. We as Americans have come so far in the last 60 years: overcoming segregation, learning to co-exist with people of different races, equal rights for everyone, now having Barrack Obama as our president... I wish my father were alive to see it!

On my Myspace blog I wrote this as well about today...

Today was a day that I will not forget...the day that America welcomed a black president with open arms! There were over 2 million people freezing their asses off just to see a glimpse of Barrack on the parade route. Amazingly enough, there were no riots or arrests made while Obama was being sworn in! We truly have come full circle!

America came together; Martin Luther King Jr's Dream came to fruition, and we now have a president who is for the people and elected by the people to make the hard decisions. To help Americans up from their great fall to become the America that we used to be- where the American dream still means something! This was a day that people of all colors, races, sexual preferences put aside all of their many differences to become ONE. Where a nation divided between rich and poor overcame their greed and celebrated with one another. Wealthy, powerful and prosperous ones are now being held accountable just like everyone else. I can't help but feel the air of excitement as a much needed change is about to sweep over America and the world for that matter.

Americans have found their HOPE again and it is a wonderful feeling to know that someone sees the problems on this place and is willing to take the time to correct it before it can get worse. I am not putting all of my eggs in one basket; just hopeful that Barrack Obama will do his up most to fix the things that he can. Ultimately, it starts within each and every one of us to fix ourselves.
Being told that there was never going to be a black president in my life time solidified the fact that people still couldn't get past the color of one's skin tone. Now... today... I witnessed the impossible and it has given me my hope back for humanity. That black parents do not have to keep looking their kids in the eyes and telling them that they can be anything they want to be knowing in their heart that it only applies if you are Caucasian.

The comradery the my fellow mankind demonstrated today has not been seen in a very long while and for once we are now equal. If my father, grandmother, and my grandfather were alive they would be crying right there next to me remembering the struggles that they had to go through just to have the right to exist... The fact that Barrack got out of the car not once but twice, against the secret service advise, taking the time to smile, wave, and look a single person in the eye and interact with them to everyone that he saw.... took my breath away.
This was the most people that have ever come to see the swearing in of a president- EVER! Today I was honored to be an American; knowing that the country was left in good hands...

Purely Cynnefull Designs w/ Descriptions...

2009-01-18T21:48:00.000-08:00

By popular demand I am now adding a description of how I created/ concept behind each of my Purely Cynnefull Designs™ artwork creations!

Previously, I have added them within the comments when another person leaves a message, but now I will take the time to go back into my design blogs to give you the full lowdown about them!

This is really something that I am truly excited about! Hope this gives you insight not only into my artwork but into myself as well.

Enjoy!

Purely Cynnefull Design Questions...

2009-01-18T01:08:00.000-08:00

Many have asked me where my inspiration comes from when I create... and why I call my works Purely Cynnefull Designs.

Well... To answer your questions:

My inspiration comes from everything around me, my mood and the photos that I have taken. Usually, my creations have a central theme with a lot of imagination. Since I am a person of much depth, I need a canvas that will let me have multiple layers to get across my idea/concept of the picture. Nature is my biggest pool of reasources to choose from since there is so much to reveal. Sometimes, I just see a picture and know that I want to use it for my next piece of artwork. Other times it's a process of trial and error. Rarely, do I create a picture from my poetry; it has been known to happen.

Purely Cynnefull is a play on words. In old english cynne is pronounced "kin" making it Purely Kinfull Designs. One day it just came to me: Showcasing the two sides of a person's heart; the pure, the sinfull and the struggle inbetween. So depending on how you look and read my name you will get either one. It goes deeper into the duality of good and evil; within us, all around us and what we choose to do with that knowledge inside our hearts.

I have only uploaded the "Property of: Ashlee Lindsay" creations due to people not giving me credit for my work on their sites and passing them off as their own. There are .jpeg pictures of my artwork without the text on them; they are on my hard drive. Yes, the text is an eyesore and does take away from the artwork but it is necessary! It pains me having to show my creations in this manner, but at least this way people can't take them without my permission. I use my real name for obvious reasons over them...

Lingering Moonbeams

2009-01-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

Lingering Moonbeams
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

Moonbeams is a culmination of many images blended into the whole picture. It started out as a woman on a cloud with the moon behind her. then added the layers from there.

Lightning

2009-01-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

Lightning
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

Lightning... enough said. Added the ice to give this picture a sence of electricity.

Inspiration From Above

2009-01-17T20:28:00.000-08:00

Inspiration From Above
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

I used zodiac pictures to get the concept of astrology and divine inspiration to create Inspiration from above.

Retreat to Cynnefull Gardens...

2009-01-16T19:15:00.000-08:00

Each morning I open my eyes and thank God that I am a good person; that my heart is open and empathetic, not sympathetic towards others. That I do not go out of my way to make the people around me miserable, hurt or worse. Making room for the people in my life even if there isn't much space...cause I care that much.

The cold harshness of reality has once more stained my inner core just like the heat wave in winter... People all around me are loosing their hope, and their lower- based emotions have taken over; trying to seep into me. I soberly look around and realize that human beings have forgotten what it means to "treat others the way that you want to be treated." That the Golden Rule no longer applies and people are only out for themselves now...that their hearts have become hollow, rotten and empty.

So I retreat into my garden of Cynne, walking alone in beauty once more to remind me that here in my Cynnefull Gardens the outside world doesn't exist. Here, I can be myself without the mask that I have been forced to wear to hide myself from the evilness that's humanity. Even the seeds that grow from the darkness; absent of light will turn into beautiful flowers and trees. Unlike humans, flora aren't born with a capacity for evil. Flora doesn't treat you differently for the person that you are; but humans do. Ugliness doesn't exist here; anger, jealousy, envy, rage, betrayal, greed... are all memories long forgotten in a world called "reality".

Each seed is it's own world; growing to become it's own universe. Following the cycle of life. Interconnected with everything else around it till it becomes part of the system itself. Doing it's share of balancing/maintaining the Eco-system so that everything is contained; self- sufficient.

Beauty is appreciated and looked upon as a virtue within Cynnefull Gardens; not as something to be destroyed or raped from others...

I pause.

Take a deep breath in; Feeling a wave of positivity as I stare at the moss covered tree bark. Smelling the sweet fragrances that the garden gives off. Exhaling out all of the negativity, fears, insecurities that life is trying to throw my way.

Relaxing and preparing myself for the re-emergence of myself back into reality. Where the people are less then positive; demanding that you turn cold and fail to make them feel just a little bit better about themselves. Chipping away at the goodness within you like the elements eroding the earth...

Ferns of Cynnefull Gardens... All Versions

2009-01-16T18:35:00.000-08:00

After flipping through all of my photograhpy pictures that I took I found this wonderfull image of ferns on a side of a hill. Couple of picutes later I stumbled on the purple flowers and decided to add them as well. I didn't know which direction that "flowered fern" (as it is saved into my hard drive) was going to take.

I ran out of time and saved it just like this so that I could come back and work on it at a later opportunity.

Ferns of Cynnefull Gardens 2
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

This next version has more of the inital fern covered but it adds depth to the picutre. As much as I liked this version, I knew that it was missing something...

Spiderwebs and some female fairies was just what was needed to make this artwork whole!

Intertwined Connections

2009-01-14T22:42:00.000-08:00

Intertwined Connections

Intertwined Connections concept was to show that everything in this picture is connected by some sort of path.

Golden Enchantment

2009-01-14T22:40:00.000-08:00

Golden Enchantment

Not quite sure what to wirte about this creation...Golden Enchantment is one of those pictures that didn't have a theme or a concept to go with it. It simply is.

Fire

2009-01-14T22:38:00.000-08:00

Fire

Felt like designing a creation that has fire... many different types with color.

Eye Plural

2009-01-14T22:37:00.000-08:00

Eye Plural

If eyes are the windows to your soul then this creation is filled with only half souls. I didn't want both eyes; just one eye represented by many eyes giving to the name Eye Plural. This is just a really cool picture to stare at.

Dragonesque

2009-01-14T22:35:00.000-08:00

Dragonesque

I am a huge fan of all of the mythical animals, but I wanted to do a design that featured dragons. Lots of Dragons.

Angels

2009-01-14T22:34:00.000-08:00

Angels

Wanted to make something heavenly; no more, no less. Angels with one white dove.

Forestry Protectors

2009-01-14T22:29:00.000-08:00

I imagined walking in an ancient forest and seeing the forest's protectors emerge with every step. The great dragon, the nymphs, the trees themselves, the elvens, and thought that image was going to be my next project.

The Village

2009-01-14T22:24:00.000-08:00

The village isn’t something that you can put into words;
It needs to be experienced for yourself.
The village and its elders are there to lend you a hand when you need it;
Openly teaching you all of the instruction that your brain can handle
There are no secrets within the village;
We are one tight knit family;
Taking the time to celebrate birthdays, and tests with feasts
The village takes care of one another;
Offering hugs and words of wisdom
Being there for you in a way that few people rarely are
We work hard at the village;
Balancing our strict work ethic with laughter and joy…
The village is a safe place where I feel unafraid;
Sharing bonds that no outsider could identify with,
Everyone including our Sifu has gone through what I am going through.
The elders have gone to hell and come out better than before;
They have come out warriors;
Knowing on an intensely personal level what I have to endure
The village is many working together to help individually;
A support system that encourages you to never give up
Training you to become more efficient within your kung-fu journey
The village helps one another;
But one has to help themselves by putting in the effort;
Giving you the tools and making you sharpen them in class;
Becoming more comfortable using your tools on your own time…
The village has become my family;
My safe haven from all of my inner demons;
My therapist that finally lets me hit the punching bags
The village isn’t just a kung-fu studio with people who take classes;
We are a team that work together to create a common bond;
To be better village fighters;
Hoping that one day with hard work,
Effort, dedication, and sacrifice
That I may one day be a village elder
Earning the mutual respect of my village elite.

Kung-fu Journey

2009-01-14T22:19:00.000-08:00

I look at myself and do not believe what I have become;
Everyday becoming stronger inside and out.
All of the sacrifices that I have made;
The many, many bruises, blisters, and knock downs.
The sweat beading off of my skin;
The constant reminders to remember to breathe.
Or else my body will begin to black out.
To remember to sink, shift and plant;
Paying close attention to inhaling as I chamber.
Training my entire being to use my circles…

Day in, day out
Going over technique after technique
Continuing even when you sleep;
Altering the way that I perceive life
Learning to pay attention to all of the fine details
Constantly trying to figure out how to be one with the movements
Digging deep from within to bring out my inner warrior

Pushing myself farther down the rabbit hole that Is kung-fu
Blending mind, body and soul into one
Sucking up all of the pain, agony and frustration
That my village brother and sisters give me (given to me by my village brothers and sisters)
Taking it all with a smile because I know that the Village is helping me;
Aware that with each new soreness, a goal was achieved;
Making me one step closer to my next sash…

Thinking about all that I have learned
That I have accomplished in this martial arts system
Understanding that it is me who is doing this;
Putting the hard effort into being better than I was yesterday
Knowing that this is part of a bigger plan for me;
Showing my dedication, Determination, perseverance
Never giving up when it got harder…

I have transformed into a person that can take a punch
Who can deliver an effective strike
Someone who doesn’t complain about the pain
Wearing it as a badge of honor
A sign of my courage.
That I am a fighter;
On the inside and now flowing to my outer layers
Going from being hesitant to anticipating
Having more confidence within myself
Preparing myself for the journey that I still have to travel…

©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Nature's Commune... Both Versions

2009-01-14T17:44:00.000-08:00

Newest Purely Cynnefull Design:

Nature's Commune
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

After much consideration I decided to add more to the original version of Nature's Commune and came up with this as the finished product:

I actually used a picture that I took myself as the foundation background for Nature's Commune... something that is new for me... then I just added the pictures and intertwined them to get this effect. I'll probably come up with a different name for the creation; I want to use it for Cynnefull Gardens. simple conecpt: use fairies, nateure and flowers to create it. For some reason I am really into spiderwebs and like the overall effect that they give off.

Sylvia's Serennement

2009-01-13T19:32:00.000-08:00

This picture was used a myspace background as well. Sylvia liked the blueness of the picture and wondered if I would be willing to add more fairies and girly stuff to it for her. I did. Since she is born under the sign of cancer, this picture called to her soul. To make sure that myspace didn't delete it I had to cover up the breasts of the angel within the moon. Serrenne is just what the title means: serene. The clamness of the blues and how relaxing they can be was the main inspiriation to Serrennement; the original piece of art.

Dark Lilly's Hunger

2009-01-13T05:13:00.000-08:00

My friend Lilly saw my picture of Hunger and she asked to use it in her myspace page. I found some flame lettering to write, "The darkest Lilly of them all..." to go with her screen name. She was so excited that she let me write her "about me" section. In case you were wondering what it says but hate dealing with myspace to see it:

It seems that no matter what I have it is always raped from me due to love's dark side: jealousy, envy and trust issues. Since I was abandoned by the ones who said that they cared about me, I have turned my back on them and on the things that I have held dear up until now. My heart has grown dark cold like black ice. My body has turned to steel with layers and layers of armor. My birthright made me a late spring now life has made me into a dark cold winter. Like the vampire I am the walking living dead that isn't welcome in the light of day. I have retreated into the darkness and to the protection that the mother moon gives me. For she is my safety; the only one that truly understands what my heart hides deep within it... The darkness that is within me keeps growing every day. I try not to let it show through but it is seeping through my skin like cancer.I hold my breath waiting for the moment to reveal that which I keep secret. Waiting in the mere hope that The Creator will answer the heartfelt pleas that I have silently kept at bay for all my life. I have no happy thoughts, just fleeting thoughts of things that will never come to be...No happy or ever pleasant things to recall in my time of need...now I am shattered and beyond repair playing dead so that I do not have to live. My whole entire being screams out loud without words for the strength to put me back together again. I've done all that I can to keep all of the rage bottled up but there is no more room left for it to hide. The rage that has been my confidante has finally begun to have its way within me. What was never light has lost its self in the darkest abyss of my psyche where all of my horrors reside... The transformation has already begun. What was the old Lilly is no more; all that remains is the beauty forged out of the night. Blessed by darkness I have become the darkest Lilly of them all...

Emotional Ocean

2009-01-13T04:37:00.000-08:00

Formerly known as Water, Emotional Ocean is a rare picture based off of one of my poems called Breakdown. Even though my emotional ocean is in a bubble; doesn't mean that when you are going through the struggles of breaking down you see the bubble and that concept was what I wanted to play with in the artwork. Putting the poem aside, this is a picture depicting a person reaching out for help in the middle of the ocean and gets struck by lightning. Or is it Divine intervention lifting her out of the water that is her own personal hell? Observing all of this is a blue fairy; looking at all of her pain that she has put into her emotional waters. Combined with Breakdown it makes for a pretty powerful imagery. Sometimes life isn't beautiful. You slowly find yourself sinking, then swimming, practicing the survival stroke; repeating till you can't anymore. that is what Emotional Ocean is about. With this background inormation about this creation, understanding it makes more sense.

Cynnefull Gardens

2009-01-13T04:35:00.000-08:00

Cynnefull Gardens is actually a piece of artwork called Viberance that was made waaay before I cam up with the concept of Cynnefull Gardens. The background is green satin and the picture is built upon it giving the illusion of smoke. I used many repeating images to achieve a sense of cohesiveness within the picture's elements. Incorporating the soft edging around the whole picture further adds to the idea of mist that hides the dropoff of the stream.

Hunger

2009-01-13T04:32:00.000-08:00

Hunger was my very first Purely Cynnefull Design made to showcase my poem: Hunger. (the link takes you to the poem hunger in case you have not read it!)This is what the finished product looked like:

-Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

You'll notice that I didn't put my name on it or property of: ASHLEE LINDSAY. That's because I have never let anyone actually see this rendition of hunger with the poem on top. Eventually I will do this with all of my poems that I write (including my name on the bottom); but I enjoy the freedom of just creating the picture too much for my own good. I work best without structure and survive on pure intiutiveness of my knack for imagery. The poem pretty much sums this picture up... read hunger to get the concept.

Garden's Secret

2009-01-13T04:05:00.000-08:00

One of the newer pieces of art I created this year, Garden's Secret has no background. There is no centralized picture that is layered upon. Just different types of flowers together. This was specifically designed for my blog conception of what one facet of Cynnefull Gardens might look like.

Earth Mother

2009-01-13T04:02:00.001-08:00

I intuitively knew that I wanted to design this artwork with a central color theme of blues... beyond that I had no idea. I just knew it would turn out well. Then inspiration hit: why not add trees!?! Which gave me the idea of intertwining the personifaction of the mother figure, earth, blue tones, nature/nurture, garden tending with the planet as the seed being planted and viola Earth Mother came to be!

Emerald Green Jungle

2009-01-12T07:19:00.000-08:00

Treading through the emerald green jungle
I hear life calling to me from all directions.
Which way shall I go?
Which path should I take?
No clues to help me.
Merely relying on my intuition,
Hoping that it will guide me to my calling.
Stepping one foot in front of the other
Clearing debris and branches out of my way
Feeling like I am barely denting the jungle that is myself
Going nowhere on this expedition of life experience.
I look up to the sun
With a smile on my face
To renew my energy for the long trek ahead
I hear life calling me from all directions
Treading through this emerald green jungle
That is my life...

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Haunting Memories of Yesteryear

2009-01-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

I thought I saw you out of the corner of my eye.
Smiling your usual half smirk at me.
Letting me know that everything is okay.
For a moment my heart burst into tears
Of happiness and joy...
Feeling a sudden warmth of my skin
Like the sun kissing it for the first time...
My eyes glistened trying to hold back the tears
Asking myself, "Was that really you?"
My head turned completely,
Hoping that my eyes weren't deceiving me.
You weren't there.
My heart sunk into sadness once more.
You've been gone for over 2 painful years now
Since that drunk driver ran you over...
Yet I felt you were just here in this room with me.
Smiling your usual smirk at me.
Letting me know that everything is okay...

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Wiccan

2009-01-12T05:56:00.000-08:00

If you have read my about me profile you will know that I am a spiritual being; I do not have a religion. The closest would be wiccan or native american beliefs. I believe that there is a GOD, or a creator; but I know that HIS presence (energy, vibrations, etc.) can be felt everywhere and in everything. I don't need to go to church to feel that... that's my biggest pet peeve. Anyways, I digress. Wiccan was my 2nd creation; Hunger was the first. Going into this picture I needed to find images that were from the mother; from nature and anything feminine. Then came the idea of adding grass patches on top of the soil instead of the brown earth that was staring me in the face. The moon is covered with candles, music lines and roses to symbolyze a natural wiccan ritual. The red river in the middle of the picture represents the menstration cycle that helps increase the potentcy of the magic within this particular ritual concept. The pentagram is shown on the altar saying "protected" underneath it so that no harm can be done.

Feminine Mystique

2009-01-12T05:53:00.000-08:00

Also known as Guardian Mystique, Feminine Mystique ties in conceptually with the 2 women of the Garden of Eden: Eve and Lillith and the evolution of women's hearts ever since. This picture portrays the 2 women in their respective "personality roles" showing the love lost, and the love scorned all in the same picture. Women are ruled by emotions; sometimes the lower based ones (Lillith) that turn women cold, numb and creul. Experiancing the pleasure and the pain within their heart till they become one and the same. Eve's happy disposition is represented by the gigantic women on each side of the forest walking through the oceans' abyss. Fate is also present within this picture for obvious reasons: weaving a web to inter connect everything to see which side of a woman they will choose. By having the forest (my representation of the garden of eden) descend into the sea, I was able to re-create and re-inforce the bond between a woman's heart (eden) and the depths of the emotions within them (bottomless ocean). Lots of symbolism in this creation.

Universal Spiritualness

2009-01-12T05:50:00.001-08:00

Universal Spiritualness was my opportunity to use the combination of my favorite colors: greens, blues, and purples to create a design. I didn't use that many layers for this one... I went with less is more theme of spiritualness. Beautifully blending my favorite colors as I had wanted to!

Magenta

2009-01-12T05:48:00.000-08:00

What can I say? I like shades of pink including purple... but it usually isn't my style to have these colors be the only colors used for the majority of the design. Magenta is one of those creations where I said, "what the hell, do it anyways." Not the type of mentality I normally take when creating my art. I used a butterfly theme with the images of fairies with butterfly wings, butterflys and flowers. This creation pretty mcuh took care of itself because the images work together so nicely. Magenta is off- centered and unporportional dileberately. The left side has less room but has more fitted into it; sharing the space without a care in the world. The right side has more room and less in it; the images are spread out and on their own. Fighting for room to be seen with an apprehension of fear.

Fairies of Cynefull Gardens

2009-01-12T05:46:00.000-08:00

Originally called "Fairyland", Cynnefull Garden Fairies was first and foremost created to be a Myspace background. Alisha asked me to create a background using fairies and the colors of baby pink and baby blue. The picture background of Cynnefull Garden Fairies was to be blurry on purpose; so the eyes focused more on the fairies then anything else. The blurriness adds to the mystique of fairies...so I left it alone. In my head I kept picturing them being surrounded by water so I added waterfalls, mist and images that had both fairies and water. I renamed it Cynnefull Garden Fairies so that it would be considered part of the Concept of Cynnefull Gardens; once more adding depth into what I create.

Dragonesque

2009-01-12T05:45:00.000-08:00

I am a huge fan of mythical animals; So I wanted to do an homage to Dragons. Dragonesque was my opportunity. There's not much to this picture since the main theme is dragons... but as I said I would write descriptions for each one.

2 Worlds: Ocean Dreams

2009-01-12T05:43:00.000-08:00

2 Worlds: Ocean Dreams

Previously known as 2 worlds on this blog; I changed it when I realized that it was the wrong name for the picture! Then I thought about it and decided to name it both- 2 Worlds: Ocean Dreams ! This was a challenge for me. Partly because I didn't know how I was going to incorporate all of the images that I wanted to use. On the bottom of the picture I wanted it to be different than just the boring old blue that was on top of it so I chose shades of orange. The center of Ocean dreams looks like a normal ocean with blue waves except there are 2 fairies perched on top of the ocean. Not on the mountains/ cliffs like most people thought they should be; I needed the cliffs for the girls gazing up at the sky and seeing the whales. A huge waterfall enshrouds the full moon threatening to cover the only light within the picture; showing the soft outter glow of the bigger moon that I blended into the picture as well...

Golden Sunrise

2009-01-12T05:40:00.000-08:00

Golden Sunrise

In this creation, my goal was to have a balance of dark and light images blend together to give off the feeling of a golden sunrise; paying particular attention to the way that I layered the images. The images on the right are mixed with light and dark; with the lighter picts covering up the sunlight as if made from them. I like the contrast of blue and orange with the 25% black for the background to further inhance this imagery that I was trying to get across.

Breakdown

2009-01-12T05:32:00.000-08:00

Emotional Ocean

Breakdown

Happiness and smiles are all that you’ll see from me
Cause that’s all I want you to see
There’s not enough time to be sad angry or upset
When everyone expects you to be happy 24/7
I lock these feelings away deep inside of me
A place that call my emotional sphere
Where my emotional ocean is
Every time these feelings appear
They go to the ocean
Where it is calm and relaxing
But it’s always calm before the storm
Too many emotions
not enough time to sort them out
not enough time to deal and cope
my waters were clear
but now they are dark
filling up with hatred and resentment
sadness and insecurity
my sea is becoming unstable
not able to handle what I need it to do to stay sane
the waves are lashing out at the sphere
trying to puncture it and be free
the emotions are churning
rippling and plotting against me
they want release
they want out so I have to face them
stop ignoring them
to let them be free
moment by moment my ocean gets darker
facilitating the storm that will surely come
coldness has started to become an unbearable friend
helping to add more negativity to my emotions
the ocean has no bottom
it just goes on forever
waves are getting bigger
they are pulling the sphere into all directions
thunder has made it’s way into the struggle
bringing along it’s cohort lighting
I don’t know how long my sphere can take much more of this
But it has to endure so I can stay in control
So no one knows that something’s wrong
The abyss is pulling my emotions further into despair
I can feel the storm is near
It’s coming
I see it off of the horizon
I’m dangerously close to a nervous breakdown
The void that I tried so hard to avoid
This can’t be happening
Not this not now
The world of chaos is right in front of my face
Like the devil calling me to join
I can’t stay afloat any more
My arms are too sore to keep treading through these emotions
They are swelling
Dragging me under with them
Making me feel what I have done to them
I can’t breathe
My body’s struggling to fight to stay alive
My head is spinning
The noise is deafening my ears
Everything around me is slowly turning black
The water is making me numb
I’ve come to the point of no return
My spirit is defeated
No will at all
The emotions have taken over
Logic and reason are forever lost
All is black now
All sanity is lost
Depression has set in

© 2008 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Hunger

2009-01-12T05:15:00.000-08:00

Hunger

The hunger wants, feels, and needs so I enjoy the ride.
It's something that I can't deny
The hunger consumes my every being,
Urging me to go with the feeling.
The hunger expands, growing everyday.
Always striking me in the same way.
This feeling makes my blood boil hot,
Trying to change me into something that I'm not.
It warms my body,
Just like something that's naughty.
This thing ignites an almost hidden desire,
Driving it with an uncontrollable fire.
The hunger craves my curiosity,
With an urgent feriousity.
My soul cries out with all its heart,
As the hunger slowly tears it apart.
The sweet pain courses through my veins,
Like someone pulling tight on the reins.
This hunger is not something I want right now,
It frightens me, but I don't know how.
I want to understand the gift it has for me,
In all of its seductive ecstasy.
I'd like to know what it needs,
So I can perform its nasty deeds.
It’s meaning is unknown,
But something I should have known.
Everyone has the hunger, they just don't it yet.
When you see the signs, it has already been set.
In the end, you'll lose and won't win,
Because after it sucks you in,
It only becomes delectable sin.

© 2008 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Cynnefull Gardens... Welcomes you

2009-01-12T04:28:00.000-08:00

Come, walk with me in my Garden of Pure Cynne...™
Don't be shy...
Take a moment to breathe it all in-

The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bossom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.

Welcome to my Cynnefull Gardens...