Look past the beauty for once people...

It really does get underneath my skin how much shit I have to endure when it comes to my beauty. Prettiness is a personal problem with me due to all of the scandal it produces for me. People believe that just because I am attractive it automatically means that I am a high maintenance bitch- that I talk down to people and make others feel small. I have to work extra hard to make sure that I don't loose my cool in front of people because then all of the things that they say about me behind my back are confirmed.

First off: I am not vain or care that much about my looks. granted I know how to apply makeup and look good doesn't make me a bad person or a mean girl. I was picked on and bullied for most of my life due to people not accepting of my nice personality. I didn't turn pretty till I was 16. That means I had 16 years to build up a personality, learn grace, humility and how to be a nice person. I have certain principles and something called integrity. I do not go out of my way to make people feel bad about their life or their overall looks. I grew up as a tomboy; playing in trees and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I mean I shuck oysters and get out pearls for a living! I am a goofball geek who happens to be hot. I have self esteem and self confidence... so that makes me a bitch!?! Sorry but my Nana and my momma raised me well- I have manners, etiquette, and I am very polite and grateful for the people/things in my life. I'm me. I do not go out of my way to be anything but myself; but at times i will diminish my light in order to make people feel more comfortable... but I am tired of people telling me that I cannot shine because they do not want me to shine brightly in front of them. Tired of being the one that is considered the villain for being the "pretty one" because the person pissed at me isn't as pretty as me. if my looks weren't what they are I wouldn't be having these kinds of problems...

I know when you read this that most will not understand why i feel this way- only people who have been through this kind of experience will truly understand what i am going through. If i put much stock into the bible then beauty along with my other qualities are considered gifts from god; which means that they are gifts bestowed and curses to bear. I have learned that people will see me as they want to see me; viewing certain traits but not the whole of me. That i am whatever you want me to be; but with all that said I am still me and myself despite your selfish intentions of me. Beauty at least to me is a double edged sword in my life- women hate me and men rape me. Women assume that I'm a bitch and are rude to me and men objectify me and take things from me that I do not want to give. So yes i find it funny when people say that they wish they could be me- if people knew my full history of what I have been through you may not want to be me. It wasn't easy going through all of the shit I went through. likewise it isn't easy to be the person you see before you now given my past. People make too many damn assumptions about me that it makes my head spin. so I did what i do best write the pain out of me. I wrote a poem reflecting on the past month of how people have been treating me. enjoy...



My eyes will show you what I have been through;
Look carefully big heart will reveal scars, wounds and breaks.
My personality qualifies me as a geek;
a nerd and a dork...
but all you see is my beauty.
Only focusing on the physical;
my my how shallow are you...

Beauty for me is a consistent pain;
A torment that I would gladly choose not to feel.
Yet people will not let me forget what I look like.
Throwing it up in my face as if its suppose to mean something to me
My beauty is riddled with pain;
because others will not let me be prettier than them.
It fills my life with such evilness that I wish i didn't look this way
equating beauty with pain and pain with beauty
has become a calming mantra for my life...

Jealousy, envy, pettiness are some well known friends
reminding me why most girls cannot be my friend.
Because being myself casts shadows on others;
bringing out their insecurity and their shortcomings
focusing all of their anger from themselves to me.
just to make themselves feel better;
meanwhile putting me in my so called place.
So that I cannot outshine...

Men befriend me in order to get into my pants
a careless boob grab here
hands accidentally slip to my ass
with that look in their eye as if I'm already naked.
Being looked at as an object, a prize;
a conquest makes me sick to my stomach
seeing the seed of lust rise from men's eyes and smile
makes me want to take a shower for days...

Yet for all or your assumptions of me
you do not really see me
showing me that you do not really know me at all
I accept that I have to deal with this my whole entire life;
what I will not accept is making me hurt so you can feel better.
so please stop comparing me to you.
Handle your own "inner" issues and demons
without me being blamed for them.
Cause I'm going to continue being myself;
and if you think i shone before-
you haven't seen nothing yet!

Where I have been...

A great many things have changed since my last post on Cynnefull Gardens. For one, I am not living in the state of sunny California anymore. I left my friends, family and everything I knew in order to be with the man I love in an indulgent Las Vegas Nevada. I originally thought that this was going to be the best thing that had ever happen to me since meeting Jeff but this experience is not something I'd wish on my worse enemy. Although things have been rough to say the least these "experiences" have shaped me into someone who is stronger and more capable. I have overcome adversity and have only recently had to deal with other peoples drama. It has been 16 months since I have been away from my greenery that is California... hince my absence from my Cynnefull Gardens. I have come to learn that I have not figured out how to relax/ mediatate or have "me time" in this place. There is an element of distrust here that forces you to put your guard up; I found out the hard way that it needs to stay up despite how tired I get keeping it up. As a result new plants, animals and trees have sprang up having to do with bitterment, resentfulness, and betrayal. These new emotions aren't normally found here or inside my heart for that matter... but they have now planted their seeds within and have taken root. 

Cynnefull Gardens has grown into something that is a refelction of the totality of me; I have created another page called "A Darker Side of Cynne..." which talks about the more erotic places within the gardens. It is the only writing I have been able to write out here in Vegas... the city of sin. Unless you have been to Vegas then you know that aroma of erotica that fills the air here. Where night life has a whole new meaning here...  

.          A Darker Side of Cynne...

It's been a While

Feels like I have been away from here forever... this past year has been filled with many challenges and unexpected twists and turns. Life has been careful not to give me any time to myself or to walk in my garden. Its regrettable that I cannot visit as much as I used to... but in my absence something strange and amazing happened. Cynnefull Gardens became more expansive; more plants began to sprout and flowers that weren't there are now coming to fruition. Animals are starting to appear that I do not recognize but I accept them as I would accept my own flesh and blood.


Too much time has passed and I have gotten away from the essence of what is truly Cynnefull Gardens. Each plant, each seed is a memory from my life. Some bright and beautiful others dark and painful to the core. but they are my stories; meant to inspire and to help other people who have had similar experiences. Cynne despite her name is of the light; she serves only the garden and that is where her power remains. She is sexy, confident and knows what she wants yet is a woman who can admit to her vulnerability to attain an inner strength unlike any other. Her pain, suffering, torment as well as her light, her laugh, and her love sustain this place that I lovingly call Cynnefull Gardens.


In this coming year I will be writing stories and hopefully painting artwork that corresponds to the stories... maybe some photos/artwork of Cynne herself to make it interesting. Thank you for sticking with me and the evolution of Cynnefull Gardens

There was a Time...

There was a time that I would have done anything for you;
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…

I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command

And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you

I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.

All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…

Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…

But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

Something that will Never be...

I forgot how enticing your voice can be,
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…

I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…

This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;

You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner

Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…

I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world

But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.

Reminding me of something that will never be...

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

No Sympathy for the Devil...

Your voice is so haunting;
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears

For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again

All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own

A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control

Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;

No sympathy for the devil tonight…

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved

Before the Dawn Comes...

Enjoying the darkness and the silence that the hours before dawn brings.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.

The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...

In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...

Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.