The last 12 weeks have been very stressful on me, my body and my psyche. My pain tolerance has become extremely high due to almost dying twice- once due to stress on my heart and the second time when I had an allergic reaction to bug bites. My garden seems all but dried up right now... but i am working on getting back on track with my emotions. This has been hard on me trying to get over the pain that people caused me in Vegas and being separated from Jeff. Its hard to put it into words what i have gone thru- all of the hurt, betrayal, pain and having to loose everything that I hold dear makes me really want to separate myself from the world. Usually I go to my gardens to try and recoup/ relax but my heart is so scarred from the royal beat down from life that I can't see my happy place at this moment in time.
I catch glimpses of my garden... the greenery in California makes me happy and it is reflected in the gardens. normally I would find the good in the situation and turn my frown upside down but lately depression has been my new found friend. It saddens me that i lost alot of people because of the move and I know that it is for the best but it still hurts having to go thru all of the motions of feeling the loss. i know that the economy is icky and that most people do not have employment and i happen to be one of them so i hope that I can find something that I can do fast so that my stress level can calm down. Strange that money is my only down point in my life and is the root of all of my stress with Jeff. I left vegas to be with the man that i love and came back to cali with nothing but his promises and he didn't mean them. Everyday I get a little bit stronger and my energy gets higher daily. So I say my prayers and have faith to overcome all of my obstacles in my life and wish that things were better. Then I realize that things are better and that the money thing will come when its time; that this too shall pass in my life and I have to be content that this is what I have to do in order to be the person that I want to be.
Even the darker side of cynne site has suffered as a result of this hurtfulness. But I will do my best to get back to the writing...
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