It's been a While

Feels like I have been away from here forever... this past year has been filled with many challenges and unexpected twists and turns. Life has been careful not to give me any time to myself or to walk in my garden. Its regrettable that I cannot visit as much as I used to... but in my absence something strange and amazing happened. Cynnefull Gardens became more expansive; more plants began to sprout and flowers that weren't there are now coming to fruition. Animals are starting to appear that I do not recognize but I accept them as I would accept my own flesh and blood.


Too much time has passed and I have gotten away from the essence of what is truly Cynnefull Gardens. Each plant, each seed is a memory from my life. Some bright and beautiful others dark and painful to the core. but they are my stories; meant to inspire and to help other people who have had similar experiences. Cynne despite her name is of the light; she serves only the garden and that is where her power remains. She is sexy, confident and knows what she wants yet is a woman who can admit to her vulnerability to attain an inner strength unlike any other. Her pain, suffering, torment as well as her light, her laugh, and her love sustain this place that I lovingly call Cynnefull Gardens.


In this coming year I will be writing stories and hopefully painting artwork that corresponds to the stories... maybe some photos/artwork of Cynne herself to make it interesting. Thank you for sticking with me and the evolution of Cynnefull Gardens

Self-Love and Light

A couple of days ago my really good friend Isabella* (made up name to protect my friend) came over. I always watch "RuPaul's Drag Race" with her online. She couldn't believe how these men were transforming their selves into prettier women than some real women. At the time I didn't think anything of it... all women react this way when they see a hotter Drag girl than a biological girl. I should have paid more attention to Isabella's wording of her comments out loud. I am like a terrier in that manner- hearing something someone said with just the wrong inflection on certain words that mask the deep, painful truth that you are trying to get me not to hear; see or feel you hiding the real Truth from yourself projecting it onto me. Usually I call you on it and bring it "into the light what was once hidden in the dark of night" but my intuition told me to let this one go for the moment. To give my over-worked brain a rest I try not to link everything to have a significant meaning about something deeper and more painful things that others do not want to talk about. I forget that others consider that rude and highly intrusive when I look at it as trying to help.

I explained to Isabella that the Drag Queens use make-up to shape the lines of their faces to get the best out of their "Drag Persona." Isabella eagerly committed this to memory and it was like she was taking mental notes about everything that I was saying. Again, I noticed but put it to the back of my mind for later analysis later when she had left. There are certain emotions that I am not really to familiar in distinguishing because I have not felt them within myself: Jealousy and envy. I have felt and been on the receiving end of these emotions but I have not been swayed by them internally. As a Scorpio, Isabella has a very good amount of darkness to her; her mysteriousness makes her both vulnerable and powerful. But she is very much filled with self-doubt about her body's physical appearance. Yet her inner light is so blinding and brilliant; her blue eyes reflect such harshness and tranquility all at the same time...

RuPaul's motto on her show is "If you cannot love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" This was something that I was comfortable with; a quote that I had to live by in order to begin the process of healing myself from all of the poison that was inside of me from other's abuse towards me. I had to tell myself that "I love myself more than you could possibly hate/hurt me... I love myself past all of the pain, sorrow and sadness. I forgive myself for not treating this vessel with more respect and will not let anyone extinguish my light inside of me. My light is love, Infused into me by my creator and that is something that can never be destroyed." People call me beautiful; gorgeous and I couldn't care less because even though that is not how I view myself (I love my flawed body...) I am the most happy when they say that my inner beauty outshines my outer beauty. Long ago I learned that I had to protect myself with self love; not just someone Else's love for me to keep me safe. My Nana showed me that... her love kept me safe from my father's illness induced wrath towards me. Isabella gave me a weird look/glance as I approvingly nodded my head in agreeance. I said that "you have to love yourself so much that it pours out of you in so much abundance that it overflows into someone else and they are filled with love in abundance. That is the cycle of love... it is infectious and overwhelms the whole entire being. " Her eyes looked big-eyed and blank in a "I do not know that feeling of self love...what does it feel like?" an almost odd curious look of blankness. It was in this moment that her mask was taken off and she was exposed. Isabella's eyes turned a dark blue trying to re mask herself.

As we were watching a transformation of a gay man into a Drag Queen Isabella admitted that she couldn't walk in heels and that she walks like a man. I pulled out my heels and began to explain the art of walking in heels and why it is important to walk with one leg in front of the other like on a trapeze. I told her heels were designed to make your butt higher and more arched which also causes you to overcompensate by sticking your chest out. Reminded her that it is heel toe heel toe. If you feel like you are going to fall, use your hips as counter balance. She was so nervous; filled with doubt and unsure of herself that I thought that she was going to cry of embarrassment. I was wise to stop with the heel lesson and we went to look at lingerie. I think that this made her even more uncomfortable but we commented on each of the outfits that we saw.

Walking her out to the car in the darkened mist it was later revealed that she has no self love for herself. She understands that she is beautiful on the inside and has still been told that she is physically ugly. Something that she hasn't been able to get over. It was hard for her to even talk about it... she thought that I didn't catch her vocal tone. I called her on it and she started talking in a hysterical tone; a higher pitched tone that made her sound like she was on the verge of crying. I told her that what she was saying she doesn't believe and her eyes turned into panic because I saw into the real Isabella; The way she believes herself to be. There was a sigh of relief to her; an eerie calm right before the storm so to speak. She was very surprised to know that I saw her so clearly; that I was able to pierce her so deeply. She said that when she is around me she knows that she is safe and she can be herself more. I told her how much it hurt me that she didn't have self love. I know how important it is to have that in your life and what the world feels like when you do not.

Freaking out people is not something that I like to do; especially when they do not want themselves to be seen in the light because they are worried how ugly they really are. My personality is such that I inadvertently bring out that which you wish to hide and keep secret. What you hide is what makes me love the person that you are. Seeing those things behind you eyes is what makes me want to be your friend in the first place. Isabella is no exception to this and our heart to heart made me love her even more. I knew that I had scared her; my keen powers of observation had made her realize that I am much more than I pretend to show psychically and let on. I struck a chord in her and I do not know if she was alright with that. Her wording upon leaving was equivalent to someone saying goodbye in finality. Like I had just killed her admitting that big secret that she kept inside of herself. There is a picture of her where she is in the shadows of it staring towards the light longing for it but is just out if its reach being too comfortable within the darkness to leave. I haven;t spoken to her since... which bothers me because she hasn't read my message that I sent to her over a couple days ago yet approves my comment made the same time... I will not try to delve into that mystery yet and wait for her to respond to me before I make up my mind about my behavior for seeing too much within her. In my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but in her mind I may have....Scorpios tend to act that way and sting the people who try to help and become hostel towards them if they feel threatened in any way.

Cynnefull Gardens: First Seed Fruition...

"The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bosom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.- "

Cynnefull Gardens Welcome

For all of you new readers this is my welcome blog. The seeds that were all planted here are from my life; that I have nurtured and raised myself. You can call them memories of my past, knowledge, experience, a representation of my soul... these are the flowers that make up my heart.

The very first flower in my garden of Cynne I did not create; that seed was from my creator who made me. It took a very long while to coax out the plant that was inside of the seed like it was undecided about which type of flower it wanted to be. Slowly this stub of green started to emerge and my life began to take shape. My mother nurtured it, my sisters cared for it, my brother protected it and my father shined like the sun to help my inner flower grow. As I was experiencing life at the age of 5, the sun's rays began to dissipate and my sunlight was no longer there to keep me warm. Looking back, that was when my father lost his will to succeed and began to shut himself off from the world. His absence stunted my growth into this beautiful flower that I was becoming and it was the beginning of the end as I knew it. There was less and less time for my mother to nurture me with her having to make end meet while my Father was having health issues. Then my sister's went off to their own lives and there was no one to care for me; weeds began to grow all around me. By age 8 my bother had gone off to college and wasn't able to protect me anymore. When my Nana came into the picture I was 5... but my growth from her tutelage didn't begin till I was 8. From that point on she was my everything that I needed to grow; taking on all roles that my family had neglected to do.

The next 5 years my flower grew strong and healthy... my soul was receiving all of the things that It needed and I was so happy. I felt cared for again and it was magical till the day it was gone. Everyone was so busy taking care of me that I never was taught to take care of my own self; provide for my own well being. My father's illness had gotten the best of him and since Nana wasn't here to shield me from his verbal abuse my flower wilted and was no more... Weeds sprang up in its place from age 13 to 19 are what I refer to as my "lost years." Memories that were filled with pain, anger, rage, depression, emptiness, and emotional turmoil. Each memory became a new flower growing in the darkest part of my heart. A place that is sometimes too hard for me to walk through when I am in Cynnefull Gardens... but I go and see them because they are a part of me; still beautiful growing from the darkness that was my heart so long ago...

What had felt like an eternity had passed before my soul re-emerged back up to the surface in the form of a flower. Still surrounded by weeds; taken over by all of the thorny flowers that had run a muck while my soul was trying to find the strength to resurface. This was when I learned how to love myself; to fully understand that I didn't need my family to do this for me... that I could function and survive on my own without feeling like the rug has just been pulled from underneath me. My brain was trying desperately to remember how my grandmother did it; so that I could at least imitate it till I begun to acquire the skills needed to raise myself. As I was tending to my self; this precursor to Cynnefull Gardens, my dark flowers were turning into scars that would not heal emotionally. My "inner me," the tiny version of me who tended to my heart, was looking like I was a dead ringer for Carrie 2. Except these scars were killing me in a constricting manner; pressing against me while puncturing my skin. En caging me to a life that I did not want; transforming me into a person my soul did not want to become...

Eventually, I was able to forgive myself, and the others that were causing me pain to begin the healing process within my soul. So that my heart could be at ease from the strangle hold those emotions put me in. I learned how to become my own tender of my garden... which has now grown into Cynnefull Gardens. My first seed being able to open itself to the brightest sun within me that I can muster up. Who's nurturance is given freely and without a price; getting cared for the way that my creator had originally intended and was denied permission till now... Weeds are no longer present in these gardens. The dark flowers have a place of their own where the sun shines least of all on them; but it shines nevertheless.

My Relationship w/ Jeff...

Jeff and I have been together for over 3 years now... for the both of us this is a lifetime together! But only in the number; it hasn't felt like it has been 3 years. Both of us are 2 very distinct people...

Jeff vibrates more towards red & orange: action, anger, brutal honesty, and his animistic nature within him. Striving for perfection and purity that he rarely finds within himself and others. He is always true to himself and to his beliefs even if they hurt you unintentionally. Words to him have no meaning and the words that come out of his mouth can be detrimental to someone if they do not know who they are; or someone who takes the meaning behind the words more seriously than he does. Jeff is a true human volcano looking for someone or something to cause him to erupt. He isn't a danger to me or to anyone else; he is just rough around the edges because life has molded him that way. Jeff can be easily disgusted with things that he views that are wrong, yet he has the most wonderful laugh and childlike charm to counterbalance his less than likable qualities. His smile, genuineness and protectiveness towards me is something that I have only experienced with him within a relationship. There is no control, manipulation, breaking of my will or abuse in any way... he accepts me for me.

I on the other hand vibrate more towards a mixture of blue & yellow: thought, words, patience, honesty without cruelty, tolerant, hope, principalities, caring, and unconditional love. My extremes are felt on an everyday basis and you are never sure what you are going to get from me on any given day. My complexities are very deeply rooted in me and yet are very simplified. Beauty and appreciation of all things makes me grateful for everything that has been given to me; good and bad. Life could have made me a much colder person but I choose to be warm, generous and nurturing towards others. I am childlike; with a laugh that rivals Santa Claus. My soul, heart and mind all work together to give me that resilience that I need to survive. Faith, love and hope are my means of motivation for the cornerstones of my life. I am a combination of air and water...

This relationship is an odd mixture: one is overly caring on the outside while the other cares on the inside. One refuses to show anger openly while the other has no problem getting it out if his system. I do not need to yell, fight , or argue to get my point across; I just write/type it out of my system so that you cannot see my buttons to get underneath my skin. Jeff cannot let any type of anger linger in his system for too long because it will fester. One openly asks for help with things; the other looks at help as a criticism. Yet we are both highly intelligent creatures each in our own way; Jeff gets numbers, logic and psychics. I get emotions, behaviors and the relationship between thoughts & emotions expressed explaining it in a logical manner.

In the last 3 years Jeff and I have turned each others world upside down; I like to be around people flaws and all while Jeff cannot handle stupidity in any shape or form. He has no tolerance for anything that he cannot logically understand and I will take the time to explain it to him... Jeff gives me harshness while I try to soften him; something which he dislikes but tolerates because he loves me so much. We love each other so much that we listen to each others views/perspectives on life and find a happy medium within ourselves to co-exist with one another. Yes, we do rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time; we are constantly eroding away that part of ourselves that keeps us narrow minded and closed off from other ways at looking at the world. Re-building the core concept of who we are and what we represent into a better working version of our self for all to take notice of.

For all of Jeff's rough exterior he his quite gentle, caring and gets easily hurt if he isn't appreciated in all that he does for you. This is what I show on the outside. This is the side of him that rarely comes out because it is too vulnerable for him to show. Sometimes I have to bring out my anger to show him that words do hurt because they do have meaning; that I may be immuned to his venomous tone but that doesn't mean the poison does not affect me. That the tears that I shed are not from fear or sadness; that they are cause I am angry and my adrenaline is pumping. Lashing out only as a last resort with carefully chosen words in a tone that he will listen to. I am zen till it is time not to be zen...

Despite all of this, Jeff and I are extremely lovable towards one another which actually surprises the both of us. Our hearts have been closed off for a very long time and the fact that we allowed each other into our hearts in the first place is hard to believe. I have a giving heart but not in relationships; that nearly always leaves me broken and numb. Jeff only gives if he is in a relationship; then gives it up when the girl consistently disappoints him. We are by no means each other's "ideal companion" for one another but it is my flaws that make me human and he wouldn't have me any other way... Jeff needs someone to love him past all of the hostility and aloneness that he harbors within him; someone who knows what it is like and still can be sweet and kind all the while living with that cold feeling...

Love is an emotion that I understand well; Jeff doesn't get it and just knows that he cannot be with out me for any period of time. [makes going to work for him that much harder now that we do not work together anymore] His love for me is instinctual; primal and yet protective and nurturing...only caring about my happiness. Cause when I am happy; he is happy. Simply put: we are opposites that are just mirror images of one another's souls.

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 2

My girlfriends have asked me how to be more feminine; putting on the correct make-up, dress, walk, poise, etc. and I have responded, "Watch a professional Drag Queen if you want to see the essence of what a woman should personify..." Usually I suggest To Wong foo, Looking at Vida Bohemme's character (Patrick Swayze) to show the elegance and grace that a female can and does posses. Now, I refer them to "Rupaul's Drag Race" so that they can 'see' all of the wonderful rainbows of the feminine personas to pick and choose what they want to take from each contestant; Even Rupaul herself.

For tips on applying make- up may I suggest Expert Village Videos - this link brings you to a highlighting & Contouring video... a make-up technique that you see the Drag Queens using in "RuPaul's Drag Race." I find that it is always better to watch someone do it then try it yourself then reading from a book then trying to recreate it.

M.A.C cosmetics is a good product to use if you are going to go full out on make-up. There are rumors that M.A.C is bad for your face; that the products make your face break out and whatnot but I haven't found that to be true in my case. Also used on Rupaul's Drag Race and the Queens look phenomenal! M.A.C.s range of colors and types of products makes me wish that I had the money to buy all of them and become a make-up artist for M.A.C! Take the time to really look at all of the different products to see what their uses are and if you can, and have the money go to the nearest M.A.C counter and ask for a make-over (Minimum spending is $60 I believe... but it is so worth it!)

Clothing: that can be a little bit trickier than the make-up... First of all, you need to find your body type. body types can be varying for everyone. The New York Post had a good article about this topic... also try this video: How to pick clothes for your body type. still not satisfied and want to make your own clothes... Click HERE . Sewing is a talent that not wo/man should be without; especially if you need to make something fabulous and money is an issue.

The Walk: Walking is hard enough; walking in heels is scary if you are not used to them. I didn't wear heels till I was 18, even then I couldn't walk in them. The trick- Heel then toe in a straight line; pretend like you are walking on a trapeze. One foot in front of the other heel then toe. When you do this your hips will naturally move to help counterbalance you. If your left foot is stepping then when you put your heel down your right hip will jet to the right; right foot it will be your left hip to the left. It will feel funny at first; especially if you have poor posture. Walk with your head straight and looking forward.

Posture: To feel how 'off ' your posture is try this- place your fingertips behind your earlobes (where the part of skin that connects to your neck and jawbone) and gently push up. If you cannot feel the difference immediately then have a friend stand behind you to do it to you using one hand cupping the back of your neck (thumb on one side, fingers on the other)This will definitely feel funny is you have not done this before... eyes should be in front of you; as if you are staring at someone. (If you cannot look directly at them; stare at their nose or forehead right above the eyes)

Poise: Every woman should be able to walk into a room and have all eyes immediately on them. Side effects of this include: jealous/resentful/ insecure/envious women giving you the evil eye and dawging you for the rest of the night. Relax- just smile even brighter and be even more charming even if you are crawling out of your skin; you love yourself more than they could ever hate you! Don't worry- just approach them with a sincere smile and give them a compliment; you'll be friends for the rest of the night.

Gestures: What a Drag-videos that starts with make-up and ends with poise/gestures from a Drag Queen point of view. Women move slowly and gracefully; not fast or without thought. They use smaller motions and look as if they are flowing like a river never touching the ground.

Hair: If you like wigs... Lace front wigs are the best! they are barely visible and when contoured correctly you can hardly notice. If you need a hair consult- go HERE- this link will take you to The hair styler. Giving you a more complete breakdown of your needs. (even includes your facial shape) If you aren't sure about your hair type but can look at a description and picts go HERE- this link takes you to an excerpt of Andre Walker's hair classification system on Naturally curly. These are all of the tips/hints/ secrets that i can share with you at the moment... I cannot think of anymore yet I know that I am forgetting much...

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 1

As a female, should I be learning how to be a woman from Drag Queen? Yes! After much research I have found out that "drag" isn't quite the accurate word for Drag Queens; most prefer Female impersonator because they do more than just dress up as a girl. According to Wikipedia however it is the opposite... so for sake of argument I will call these "women" Drag Queens because everyone is familiar with that name.

I know that I am a beautiful woman... so much so that it reflects out of me; shinning forth from within myself. But I wasn't always like this; as a child I was literally a wall flower. I only spoke when someone asked me a question; extremely shy around others and with myself. I had no idea who Ashlee was or how to express her. She was just inside of me waiting for me to let her out yet I couldn't; I was afraid of her and what she would be capable of. To this day I still do not reveal my full personality for that same reason. The only difference is that I know who I am and how to express myself without being too in your face. Went the direction of more refined than showy; substituting brash abrasiveness, hostility and self assuradeness for grace, elegance, and etiquette, and manners. Not exactly what you would picture a Gemini to act and behave; but I looked liked a Gemini; read books, wrote, and had an affinity for schooling.

It wasn't till I hit high school and made cheer squad that You saw the transformation within me. Most people though that I had low self-esteem issues; including my mother... I just noticed as a little girl in elementary school that if you looked pretty; ascetically pleasing to the eye that you were handed things easier than if you were not pleasing to the eyes. That people gave me handouts! Doing things for me that I could do myself because I was so pretty. It actually bothered me greatly; the injustice of it all and I rebelled against it. In 1993, "Spuermodel" by RuPaul came out and I was fascinated by how well a man could look as a female... the curves of the body; the "tuck" walking in heels. I was blown away and remembered something: Watching an ode to the 80's weekend on VH1 I saw the video "love shack" by the B-52's... that was when I saw Rupaul for the first time and died at how gorgeous she was. Form this point on RuPaul has been an inspiration to me; Her balance of female personas has been something that I have admired since I knew who she was.

Then when I had to "look " the part of a cheerleader I went out and got every single month of Cosmo magazine so that I could understand what the hell I was getting myself into. This was a huge step for me cause in 8th grade I wore baggy jeans and big tops; not letting people see my figure so that they could say that my boobs were huge. (size 32 c) thanks to Cosmo I had learned how to put om make-up, and carry myself as a woman. the result showed up when A teacher even told his football students that "I am the essence of a woman and what a woman should be..." just so that they could give me my football booster award. No one knew a thing about me!

What does this side story have to do with Drag Queens!?! Everything! In order to be a great Drag Queen, you need to know what makes up the essence of a woman; so that the wo/man can become the "Queen." It is not something that we are automatically born with; it has to be learned, adapted and then applied so very well that it becomes second nature to be feminine... even girls have a major challenge to be ultra-feminine. Like the Drag Queens, I had to study the role of acting like royalty; but not being above everyone else. That is a very fine line to walk because the only thing that saves you from bitchy females are your manners... even of you want to get in their face for prejudging you due to their insecurity.

Back then I wish that I was someones Drag Daughter... taken underneath their wings and shown the way of femininity. Being a Tomboy came easier to me than putting on a fufu dress and make-up. It was too time consuming and I had things to do; trees to climb and digging in the mud. Then in 1995 the movie, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar" came out and Drag would be forever ingrained in my mind. It taught me to celebrate my womanness and be proud of what my mother gave me to shake. that it was alright to be myself... despite what others thought about me. I became more outgoing; hung out with gay men giving them the latest fashion tips that I had found out from Cosmo. Even arguing about the guys we liked! My confidence level was always high but hidden; never wanting to make the jealousy/ resentment/ envy a bigger issue than it already was. High school is tough enough as is- I didn't want to add to it. Unfortunately for me everyone else did. Cheer Mothers were telling their daughters, "why can't you be more like Ashlee..." making comments about my body; my smile, my whole persona. My friends would get reamed by their parents often being compared to me... it was horrible and had to deal with sabotage for most of my high school years...

Thank goodness I survived; did some modeling and learned the true value of applying make-up and the many effects that one can create just to one's own face... let alone someone elses. Took a course on theatre costume and make-up in college and once again reminded myself of the performer that was inside of me that I rarely showed... yet out shined everyone when she came out of her box. I transformed myself into a cheetah; wearing a cheetah print top and sarong; letting my hair naturally curl untamed by my headband... it was so thrilling and yet no one know it was me. The illusion had worked and I thought to myself." this must be how a Drag Queen feels when he gets mistaken for a woman..."


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What have we become...

First off, the world being in upheaval hasn't escaped me; I feel the vibrations of things out of balance and I am very concerned about it. Whether or not this is the end of the world as we know it or not, things are not alright on any level. It's almost as if the universe has heard all of our bitching, yelling , moaning and has decided to really give us something to complain about. Mother Nature is so tired of us burning down her trees, creating global warming, senseless killing of animals, over population of her earth that she is now unleashing her full wrath on us as well... now people are turning more primal and animistic in the nature. I can't help but wonder what have become and how do we stop the terror/evil that is within ourselves from destroying everything that we love?

I look around me and see people suffering for no reason; I understand that the Universe, God, Creator needs us to suffer when it has a purpose. You need both water and rain to grow; needing both happiness and suffering to grow into the being that you are to become... but a person who has money and looks down on others for not having money; rubbing it in their faces while they are loosing their jobs, their livelihoods... well that is just plain cruel. Every second of every minute someone out there is getting their house foreclosed upon; wondering how they are going to keep a roof over their family's head. How they are going to feed their children when they cannot afford to... Teachers who shape the minds of our future are being laid off and children are slipping through the education system cracks without proper guidance and nurturing. The world that we are living in at this very moment is unraveling all around us and the only thing that can save us is us- and we have forgotten how to do that a long time ago when materialism became more important than spiritualism and communing with nature.

Were you aware that the trees aren't producing enough oxygen? In fact they are absorbing so much carbon monoxide that they cannot convert it all into oxygen and are producing less and less as a result? On top of that, we are cutting away precious rain forest trees; an animals habitat just so that human beings can be more comfortable with our precious "possessions."

Animals that I grew up learning about are about to become extinct from our direct influence on their lives. Who ever said that human beings were more superior than the animals that have been here a lot longer than we have. We were never top of the food chain; that is the illusion. Animals haven't had a reason till now to looking at us as food. Cause now it is all about survival of the fittest; natural selection at its best.

What I once thought to be human nature is not anymore; in these harsh times people are not banding together like we should be doing... given the choice they are being selfish and looking out for what is theirs. Making sure that there is plenty for them and that it sucks to be you because you do not have. People are turning greedier when they should be lending a hand to help; sharing in this time of uncertainty but they are hoarding. Treating others as inferior; worthless and without value. Have our hearts gone that cold that even though you and I all have problems mine are more important than yours!?! That we are putting ourselves before others cause we feel that entitled? Has our pride gotten so high that we cannot see the things that actually matter more than just out egos?If this has become so then human beings are destined to fall...

Hope, faith and love are my biggest strengths in this world which sort of make me an easy target to be manipulated, coerced, and constantly taken advantage of. In my heart I believe that the good outweighs the bad within us all but I have to say that people when given the chance will use you if they think that you have something that they want; discarding you when they have used you up. Do a person a favor and they are grateful, appreciative and accepting of that gift; do a person 10 favors and they are expecting the 11th. Cynical and pessimistic I know but unfortunately this is a real phenomenon that occurs much too commonly. Listen to song #76 on my playlist. It is called What have we Become by DC Talk... this song was written back in 1996... and yet it is as true then as it is now. I have linked the blog title to the lyrics for this song to get a better picture of what I am trying to convey.

I understand that people are not like me; I have accepted that and come to embrace it. I turn on the news and hear about all of the sad things going on and I understand that sad things do happen every single moment of every single day... but what I cannot comprehend is why we treat others so poorly when we just want them to accept us; the real person that isn't the lie that has to be maintained in order for appearances.

When did it become okay to intentionally make people feel smaller when they are just trying to survive the day just like you are? Everyone is guilty of lashing out at someone... but was the lashing out really necessary? I get that it is [sometimes] better to get it out of you than it is to hold it in but why that particular person at the particular time? Why continue the cycle of anger/hate/frustration onto others when you should be dealing with it yourself? So what if you are angry/hurt/betrayed... that still doesn't give you the right to take it out on someone else; or does it? In this day and age more people are starting to lead to the latter of the two and for what purpose? Cause I know that it doesn't make you feel any better... so why continue to do it.

Everyday more and more people are reverting back to their most primal of instincts and that scares me; I have seen what happens first hand when people turn primal. The switch for whats right and what;s wrong gets short circuited and want and desire run free till their whims are met...

what is wrong with people!?! Deep down everyone knows what is right and what is wrong... yet we just ignore it and do not care. Some peoples mindset are such that they would wish me harm just because I do not fit their picture of " the world would be a better place if..." scenario. They do not even know me yet they wish death or worse... all based off of my looks, name, or anything else that they find unappealing.

The world is a scary place now...people are scary; acting like beasts that are relying on lust, desire and anger. It feels as if the evil within us all is winning and all others like myself can do is just watch and pray that it doesn't happen to them.

I'm praying for all of the evil hearts to come back to good; we miss you...

Cynnefull Gardens Layout Changes...

If you are new to my blogger page you might not have noticed the changes that I have added to my blog. I am currently in the process of making my site stand out more. I am new at editing blog html and do not want to ruin my original minima template when choosing the right background image and sidebar colors. Of course I saved the template like it says but it isn't as easy as it was to change my myspace page... this requires some work on my part. I used a layout generator that made it easier to see what the changes looked like for myspace. I have found something similar but I am not sure that I like it yet. My biggest guide in this is Tips for New Bloggers: where they have given you step by step tips/help on changing your blogger page.

Since my last blog, I have added a music playlist from playlist.com and put it at the bottom of my page. Also, I am on twitter and I am debating whether or not to make my tweets public just so that I can add them to my blog page. The same is going on with photobucket and some other sites...

Have any ideas as to what Cynnefull Gardens' page should look like?

I am all ears... post a comment/ send me a myspace message titled "Cynnefull Gardens" with any codes or pictures that would be a good representation of Cynnefull Gardens and I'll consider using it as the layout! Giving you credit of course! For now... I am comfortable with the 2 columns; sidebar on the right layout.

Thank you so much for helping to make Cynnefull Gardens blooger site something that stands out!

-Ashlee

Watching Keela Grey...

Yesterday I had the privilege to baby sit my newest niece Keela Grey. Keela was suppose to enter this world on x-mas '08 and be a Capricorn... she had other ideas for herself. She came into this world on October 23rd, 2008 at 2:02am making her a double Leo with Scorpion tendencies.

Keela was 2lbs 15 and a 1/2 ozs... at the time she was born. 16" long. 8 weeks early and yet she let out a loud and boisterous cry to let us know that her lungs were fully developed. We went and visited her and my sister Kristin in the hospital as many days as we could afford to go.

It was difficult seeing her with all of those tubes stuck in her but I managed to put my fears aside and project encouraging thoughts towards her being able to come home. Keela came home November 3, 2008 and she was a little bit over 4 and a half pounds. Technically she's 4months old but I found out that you count from her due date- making her 8 and a half weeks.

As of Yesterday Keela Grey is 10 pounds 1 ounce and has begun to learn how to smile and laugh. She absolutely adores her auntie Ashlee and is so comfortable with my energy that she has no worries in the world. Only when she needs something does she let out a few cries- just to let you know that she is wet or hungry; other than that she's a really well behaved little girl. Her eyes are so big that it looks like she is staring through you instead of at you. When she saw me Keela stuck her tongue out at me- it was the last thing that I did when I left her on Sunday showing me that she remembered who I was.

We danced, I sang to her, she tried to talk to me- interaction at its most basic yet making such a huge impact on her little psyche that will help shape her into the person she will become. I experienced my first diaper change and Keela didn't scream bloody murder! For some reason she doesn't like her diaper changed- maybe it is the act of being exposed; but as soon as you are finished she has a big smile on her face and all is well. Child development is such a wonderful things to watch, observe and interact with. You are accepted by her even though she cannot make out your intentions- she can feel your vibrations and knows that she's safe.

As I said my goodbyes to Keela I could tell that she didn't want me to leave and it put a smile on my soul...

Life Lessons... Learned the Hard Way

Usually when the world turns its back on me I quietly reflect in my Cynnefull Gardens... today, I opted to visit my sister Kristin and play with my 1 month old niece Keela. She lives by the beach and I thought that maybe if I played with an innocent it would make me feel better. It did. When you are around kids they do not lie to you, use you or deceive you in any way. All they want is love, attention and affection. Babies do not pretend to like you; they either do or don't. You are not searching for their hidden intentions or having to have your guard up constantly. Babies see you for you, accept you weather you have money or not. They look into your heart, and soul to see who you are...


I am learning a very huge life lesson right now, people [keeping the names out of this for blog's sake] do not care about you. Only YOU care about YOU! Others pretend to care when it suits them; when they find out that you have nothing to offer them magically they dissapear. Up until about 3 weeks ago I realized that human beings are leaning more towards the side of selfish than selfless. Now that the economy is going into a reccession, everyone is out for themselves; any charitable or humanistic understanding of this global recession has fallen on deaf ears making way for the "I gotta get mine before you get yours" mentality to spread like wildfire.


Everyday more and more people are losing their jobs, their homes, their families cause there isn't enough money in their employer's bank account to go around. All the business people care about is "where's the money you owe me!?!" Where are the jobs at so that I can get hired and you can get paid? Oh yeah, that's right California is at a all time high with unemployment... none of that matters to the people who are screaming for their money. They just want their money. Does anyone else understand that it is bad for everyone everywhere? We are all suffering, money is just one of the many issues at hand that is perpetuating the cycle of selfishness even more.


I subscribe to the fact that we all are spiritual beings in search of a humanistic experience; not the other way around. So it is hard for me to be surrounded by all of this ugliness for no other reason than people wanting their money.

Coming Soon to Cynnefull Gardens...

Cynnefull Garden Knits & Crochets!

Already in the works is my ravelry profile that has some of my finished works (it isn't much right now but it will be!)... currently I am working on adding progress bars and my finished works to my blogger sidebar. The simple progress bar on the side is only the beginning. In the future I plan to have pictures, yarns added and maybe even the start date. Eventually I will write patterns and place them here in the Cynnefull Gardens blog... just not yet.

Don't worry... I am not changing this blog to strictly yarn crafts; I want to expand my blog to cover all of the creative things that I do within my garden. You will still be able to find my artwork and poetry; now you'll be able to find knits & crochets as well!

Retreat to Cynnefull Gardens...

Each morning I open my eyes and thank God that I am a good person; that my heart is open and empathetic, not sympathetic towards others. That I do not go out of my way to make the people around me miserable, hurt or worse. Making room for the people in my life even if there isn't much space...cause I care that much.

The cold harshness of reality has once more stained my inner core just like the heat wave in winter... People all around me are loosing their hope, and their lower- based emotions have taken over; trying to seep into me. I soberly look around and realize that human beings have forgotten what it means to "treat others the way that you want to be treated." That the Golden Rule no longer applies and people are only out for themselves now...that their hearts have become hollow, rotten and empty.

So I retreat into my garden of Cynne, walking alone in beauty once more to remind me that here in my Cynnefull Gardens the outside world doesn't exist. Here, I can be myself without the mask that I have been forced to wear to hide myself from the evilness that's humanity. Even the seeds that grow from the darkness; absent of light will turn into beautiful flowers and trees. Unlike humans, flora aren't born with a capacity for evil. Flora doesn't treat you differently for the person that you are; but humans do. Ugliness doesn't exist here; anger, jealousy, envy, rage, betrayal, greed... are all memories long forgotten in a world called "reality".

Each seed is it's own world; growing to become it's own universe. Following the cycle of life. Interconnected with everything else around it till it becomes part of the system itself. Doing it's share of balancing/maintaining the Eco-system so that everything is contained; self- sufficient.

Beauty is appreciated and looked upon as a virtue within Cynnefull Gardens; not as something to be destroyed or raped from others...

I pause.

Take a deep breath in; Feeling a wave of positivity as I stare at the moss covered tree bark. Smelling the sweet fragrances that the garden gives off. Exhaling out all of the negativity, fears, insecurities that life is trying to throw my way.

Relaxing and preparing myself for the re-emergence of myself back into reality. Where the people are less then positive; demanding that you turn cold and fail to make them feel just a little bit better about themselves. Chipping away at the goodness within you like the elements eroding the earth...

Cynnefull Gardens

Cynnefull Gardens
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

Cynnefull Gardens is actually a piece of artwork called Viberance that was made waaay before I cam up with the concept of Cynnefull Gardens. The background is green satin and the picture is built upon it giving the illusion of smoke. I used many repeating images to achieve a sense of cohesiveness within the picture's elements. Incorporating the soft edging around the whole picture further adds to the idea of mist that hides the dropoff of the stream.

Garden's Secret

Garden's Secret
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

One of the newer pieces of art I created this year, Garden's Secret has no background. There is no centralized picture that is layered upon. Just different types of flowers together. This was specifically designed for my blog conception of what one facet of Cynnefull Gardens might look like.

Fairies of Cynefull Gardens

Cynnefull Garden Fairies
©Purely Cynnefull Gardens

Originally called "Fairyland", Cynnefull Garden Fairies was first and foremost created to be a Myspace background. Alisha asked me to create a background using fairies and the colors of baby pink and baby blue. The picture background of Cynnefull Garden Fairies was to be blurry on purpose; so the eyes focused more on the fairies then anything else. The blurriness adds to the mystique of fairies...so I left it alone. In my head I kept picturing them being surrounded by water so I added waterfalls, mist and images that had both fairies and water. I renamed it Cynnefull Garden Fairies so that it would be considered part of the Concept of Cynnefull Gardens; once more adding depth into what I create.

Cynnefull Gardens... Welcomes you

Come, walk with me in my Garden of Pure Cynne...™
Don't be shy...
Take a moment to breathe it all in-

The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bossom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.

Welcome to my Cynnefull Gardens...

Garden's Secret by: ©Purely Cynnefull Designs™