New Years Resolutions...

I could start out by saying that i'm going to choose to eat healthy or go to the gym more but i won't. This year I want to focus on the things that make me happy- my writings, my heart, and my soul. Looking back on my life i see that i have made bad choices that turned out for the best. In doing so I neglected the things that I wanted out of this life- to be a poet/writer. Gotten away from my schooling  of psychology, astrology and behavioral neuroscience. Even though to most I have nothing and i am nothing due to the fact that I do not have a job, money or a close circle of friends I have myself and faith in myself to survive, succeed and make something of myself. My resolutions are more to do with getting back to myself again; understanding what it is about me that makes others feel comfortable with me so i can be comfortable with the fact that i will always give more than they do. I'm not a taker by nature but i am slowly learning that people will not give me anything in this world unless i step up and take whatever it is that i want. My wants are simple: i wants to be my own boss and create beautiful things that people will purchase whether it being the selling of my poetry. writings or yarn creations. I want to be loved by someone who deserves me (already checked off), have an amazing wardrobe filled with goth +steam punk clothing and to be treated the way that I treat others. This year is going to be about doing things that I need to do for myself. Hopefully this includes traveling and spiritual re-fuelment. 

New Years Reflection...

Well I can't say that I'm sad that 2012 has come to an end!!!!! this was by far the hardest year that I have had to go through up to date. So much unnecessary hurt and heartache have been shoved down my throat that I didn't think that I was going to survive!!! Even though this has been an excruciating painful year 2012 sure has taught me alot. My inner strength has been tested and battle ready, Self-reliance on myself for survival, and I adapted to living in VEGAS!!!! Staved off a divorce, spent months away from Jeff, and retained my child-like innocence!!!! no matter how hard i try to hide the fact (for my own safety and yours) I actually CARE and LOVE people. This year has given me plenty of reasons to dislike people and maybe use the "hate" word. But then I realized something... i understood their thought process. Granted it's faulty logic, i still understood it. People aren't born bad; they are created that way (personally speaking) and sometimes just plain old uneducated. 2012 taught me to tolerate the things that i may not fully get but love and accept them anyways (even if they cause me pain). I learned that my character is strong; being poor is a good way to weed out my true friends and I can still survive heartache while leaving my heart open... that i have faith, hope, integrity and all the things that make me ME!!! Figured out that I have a high tolerance for pain, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of doing what's right. Best part: I still have my positivity and optimism even though i took a sh!tload of a life beating! Good thing the martial arts and meditation helped with that!!! ;) Finally made peace with my f*ed up teen/ early adulthood hell... now i'm grateful that i had to go thru it. That particular hell turns out prepared me for life as I know it. It made me stronger and I am no longer afraid of my past. All in all it was a great learning year!!!

Heartbreaks hurt...

I dislike my heart being broken by my friends... It's too painful and in the last 2 days major heartaches have caused me to face my fear of being an after thought and /or being forgotten about by the people that I care about. It reminds me of childhood and the invisible scars that I carry with me as an adult. I survived my childhood ill survive this... There has only been 1 person/friend/family in this whole entire planet that can get me to care to the point of anger... guess that person is someone that i care about greatly to where i dare say that i love them and didn't realize it. Funny how life works that way...

Yes i was hurt in a way that shouldn't have bothered me but it did. People i seem to be noticing are flaking more and more as the days go by... i can handle being flaked upon but having to wait 24 hours to find out what happened to my friend only to find out they were sick and didn't even bother to tell me? that is something that I do not deal with well. Especially when i'm sitting here thinking that there was a car accident, possibly forgetting that you made plans with me, or that you simply didn't care enough to let me know that you changed your mind which was the right choice. So after the tears finished running down at the fact that my longest friend blew me off, a day to remind them they forgot me which wasn't such a big deal in their head. then they waited 8 days to actually tell me what happened why they didn't realize that they needed to tell me what was going on and that i was the one to over-react. Through all of this they still do not realize how much they hurt me. Then another friend did the exact same thing the next day... at least they realized that they forgot me an hour after the fact which didn't cause an "over-reaction" on my part.

 

I really thought that people were better at understanding that their actions have consequences; that their words carry meaning and whether or not you mean to hurt someone doesn't mean anything if you end up hurting them. I understand that people are loosing their ability to communicate with others and expressing their feelings but come on, on some level they must know that their actions aren't right. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve here but if i say that I'm going to do something i do it. if i cannot then i say so. I do not make excuses for myself or my actions and i hold myself accountable. That is the main problem with people now a days... no one holds themselves accountable and would rather blame others for their mistakes. My heart is in alot of pain and it was definitely stressed during this whole ordeal. I wish that I didn't have to care as much about people... cause it's hard accepting that they do not care about me.    

Changes...

It's strange seeing how much my life has changed just by making one decision. Up till now I have let life guide me like a leaf in the wind. I realize that this type of approach isn't the best life strategy but I needed to be able to allow myself to experience life in it's dual complexities; both the good and the bad. I needed to strengthen my character and my sence of worth within myself. I had been lacking self-esteem and self worth because I was outwardly motivated and had no idea that I needed to become inwardly motivated; I relied on others to tell me wheter or not I was doing well or not. In hindsight I now see that my so called friends were jealous of me and my accomplishments and wanted me to fall. It wasn't that surprising that they would do that to me; I bring out people's ugliness when I shine brightly.

As I have awoken to my true potential I find that my life has in it the things that I have needed all along: Love, family, trust, hope, positivity, and creativity. Friends are there when it is convienent for us to get together; but it's alright that we do not see each other because we are all living our personal life journey at the very same moment. Yes, I have been reflecting alot about my circumstances and my life... I know that I am where I am suppose to be and I take much comfort in that philosophical mindset. All of the thigns that I have done, been through and will continue to experience is going to help me in everything that I do from this point on.

People look at me differently; it's a bit strange to see the people that I have known for many years look at me like I am a foreigner. The only thing that hasn't changed to drastically is my smile; if anything I smile everyday a true smile. My controled smile has disappeared from my life because I do not have a use for it anymore. My creativity has taken over all of me and has released my tortured soul from its prision of my childhood. My shackles of my past have been removed and for the first time I feel free to do anything that I want to do! I do not have to hide anymore the things that I am; everything is there for me to be seen and that is my main happiness within my soul.

Even though I have lost many of my material possessions, that never took away from how I viewed myself. Yes my friends forsaked me, people looked at me like I was nothing, employers passed over my resume seeing nothing standing out about me, and yet in my heart I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I would be able to have the things that my heart and soul needed to feel complete. So I turned my back on all the people that I cared about who told me that "I wouldn't succeed making my hobby into reality," "That I am wasting my time living in a fantasy world of pipe dreams," or " That my hobbies won't put food on the table and pay the bills" despite how much it pained me.

Over the years I have learned that people can either help you or they can hinder you on your road to success or road of life. So if you hinder me I ask myself the series of questions: 1) is your attittude/ personality/ words helping me or hindering me from becoming the person that I want to be? 2) Is your negativity sucking the life out of me? 3) Will this person be able to learn how to be better in the time frame I allow? [mature]4)Or is their self-esteem and self worth so low that I cannot be around them?[are they trying to get me to be their egos and raise their self worth?] 5)Are they sabbotaging me and themself by their actions? If you are hindering me after I have tried to explain all of this to you and you still pull me down to your level I have no choice but to let you go cause you are killing me...

Life is short and I do not have the time, energy, or effort to put into anyone to make them realize just how special they are but myself; I have spent to long doing this for others trying to give them the inner things that they are lacking because they have asked me to do this for them. I cannot be your inner motivator or ego booster to make you feel better; I am not your mother or your shrink. Some things I am quickly learning that you have to do for yourself in order to grow and thrive in what you call "your life." I have to be able to take care of myself in all facets; not just some. If I am taking care of people when is it my turn to ever take care of myself? If I am constantly putting myself on the backburner will I ever be there for myself? I have thought long and hard about these questions and I have to put my foot down and help the person that I have neglected the most in this life-MYSELF. Cause for all of the things that I do/did for you when did you ever try to help me? Oh yeah, that's right you were too busy trying to help yourself and using me as a crutch to help your selfish needs...

Granted it was always my choice to help but coersive controling, using my feelings against me to benefit you and seeing the soul cry within your eyes doesn't really give me a choice to make. Of course I have to help you; I am not a cold hearted bitch. I feel alot and understand your suffering but do not ask me to take on your pain just so that you can have a breather. I deal with enough as is and do not need your added stressors to my life. I have finally gotten myself to the point where my body, mind and soul are in unision and my emotional induced illnesses cease to exsist anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to fix all othe problems that I found within me... coninuously improving myself in every way I know how to and I will not let someone else ruin all of my hard work!

Darkness was already here and then the light showed up to show us what we could be. My past was my darkness and now through the process of transformation I have allowed myself to be in the light, of the light and for the light. Looking at my ugliness and loving it, uinderstanding it and accepting it so that I can be brightened and purified. Dealt with my demons; not running from them or burying them deep inside of myself. I confronted my fears and self doubt and triumphed in the face of adversity. I have earned my right to be able to shine as brightly as I possibly can. Look at your own life... can you say the same thing?

Contemplating of My Life Thus Far...

I have been out of school for the last 6 years... that hasn't bothered me as much as you think it would because I know that every single day I learn to be a better version of myself. When I tell people that I have 2 AAs in Psychology and Anthropology from Moorpark College they look at me in surprise because they didn't know that. I graduated a semester early and all of my JC college credits are TRANSFERABLE. At 19 I had that much sense to make sure of that... so when I was ready to enter the world of 4 year college I would be able to spend the time wisely on my core classes. People thought that I was just being lazy not going to a 4 year straight from high school; actually, I needed to prepare myself for such a task and ease into it.

After graduating I found that my life took a whole new turn; some bad and some good. I became an Aunt for the first time and got involved in an relationship that turned abusive. Turns out that those series of events needed to happen to me in order to become the person that you see before you. I had to go thru all of it to become stronger and learn how to be responsible for myself. To hold myself morally accountable for the things that I allowed to take place within my life.

For these last 6 years life has been a definite learning experience; adversity has become part of my normal routine of life and I took all of the negative things and made them into positive challenges that had to be overcome. I attempted to make friends with my pain, anger, resentment and the neglected child within me. I had to get back in touch with the person that I wanted to be and for many different reason I wasn't. I had to re-evaluate my life and my life goals; then I figured out one of the underlying problems: I had met all of my goals and hadn't made any new ones to pursue. I had found someone to love who loved me for me, found self love for myself, learned how to be venerable enough to love someone and let them into my heart.

I set school on the back burner for an opportunity to work at dead end jobs and sacrificed everything that I considered important because others told me that my "pipe dreams" and my creative hobbies were just childish and wouldn't amount to anything. How foolish was I to believe them. But in my heart I knew that they would be the ones to regret ever telling me that. Intuitively, I knew that my career would be geared towards my "hobbies" and I would make more money than I ever dreamed of! I tried to put away my childish things for their sake but it turns out that I need them to make something of myself!

My "hobby" are my PURELY CYNNEFULL DESIGNS; manipulating pictures into the things that my head creates. People told me time and time again that I couldn't make a living doing that. Well, turns out I can and will by going back to school...

It was only in the month of May 2009 that I made myself be the person that I wanted to be. I decided to stop hiding all of my potential and let my inner light shine so brightly that I blind you by my sheer brilliance. I let my hair grow out naturally instead of having it chemically altered to make it more manageable. Now, my hair and I have a healthier relationship with one another and it has decided to cooperate with me and became more manageable than it was when it was permed. My hair gets less knots and it takes less time to style and take care of. As a result, my cheek bones are higher and my face shines brighter than it did in previous years. My body has gotten into better shape cause I am now happier with myself and my surroundings. Jeff's cooking also helps tremendously and now my body and I have a great relationship. No more Emotionally induced illnesses due to a bad job, stress, or persecution. I now know that when my emotions are out of sync my body becomes affected as well. I have learned to pay closer attention to myself and my body's reactions to things so that I can obtain inner balance.

My personality has become more of my own; not worrying about what others think of me has helped greatly with this process. I wear my personality like I wear clothing. I had to mentally go through my emotional wardrobe and see what I had to work with that I had forgotten about. Sometimes people do not realize just how much of their personality goes by unseen because of what other people say about it. My sarcasm is out in full force and is usually seen in my humour which isn't always understood but I do not care anymore. I do not need to explain myself to anyone except my Creator. Now that my inner strength has been revealed within me I am not concerned with how people view me; only how I view myself.

Negative things do not affect me in the same way that they once did. My 27th birthday taught me that I am more capable than I originally thought. I know now to look at the change that the event brought me as a good thing. Ever since May 20th of this year everything has changed for the better and I have not looked back since. Maybe that is why this time that I saw a ITT Tech commercial I did something about it and went online to see what I needed to apply...

Today was the day I happened to trust my instincts and filled out all of the info I needed to apply to ITT Tech. I decided that this was the day that I would make something of myself and my unusual talents in the field of Graphic Design. The Oxnard Campus had the classes that I wanted to learn and it was closer than I thought it was to me. My dream of being a creative person holding a career doing something that I loved was about to happen for me and I became increasingly excited about the thought of getting into ITT Tech. Who knows... I am casting my bread out onto the water and seeing what comes back to me...

Birthday Reflections for This Year

According to my astrological solar return my closest time to my actual time of birth astrologically was yesterday, May 20th around 7:27pm. So it wasn't any coincidence that Jeff took matters into his own hands and celebrated my birthday a day early. May 20th happened to be my solar return and Jeff without realizing it fell prey to astrology! Jeff said that he "felt it was the right thing to do because he wanted to truly surprise me to gauge my true reactions to his gifts." Muttering that he also wanted me to have a good day before my birthday to ensure a good experience of my birthday. He is always thinking of me like that...<3 May 20th-The day felt different after he gave me my "gifts"... like I had just opened my eyes for the first time and was really seeing everything the way it should be.My whole way of thinking about life and how I have experienced it has changed for me greatly. Jeff doesn't surprise me; he doesn't like surprises himself and if he has something planned for me he can't keep from telling me what it is! As a Virgo he really doesn't like to be spontaneous; rather he will go with the flow. So my head was swirling around the idea that my perceptions had begun to change... hopeful they changed for the better! Turns out they did! It seemed that I had reached my life long goals: learn to love, to love myself soo much that it poured out to love others. To be loved for who I am unselfishly and unconditionally. After a deep conversation with Jeff it slipped out that I don't have to keep proving that I love him and that I am already his Queen. That I have his approval that I love him better than he lets most people and that now its time to focus somewhere else. At the time I didn't realize just how much hearing those words would cause my whole world to expand... it was like he took the biggest burden off of my heart and soul by telling me how he really felt about me from deep within his soul. The words changed me and my thoughts literally went to other things that never even begin to cross my mind: like growing my nails out to look more feminine, to wearing shoes that have heels, to being more sensual, taking any kind of pleasure out of everything, work, reoccurring income, responsibility, and children! Since I have been taking care of Keela I have come to understand at least to some degree that I want children. Turns out Jeff wants kids with me; just not yet because we don't have a house or enough income for it at the moment. [That isn't fair to the child if we bring them here with nothing to support them on financially; that's irresponsible] He cooked all of my meals; waited on me hand and foot... not cause I asked him to but because he chose to wait on me. Jeff showed me just how much he loves my by his actions towards me and it gave me a huge kind of confidence that I have not felt for a long while. It was the kind of confidence when you know that someone has your back; if you fall down or stumble someone will be there to pick you back up. Jeff isn't my father but he is a male that gave me approval and provided the closure that I needed from my father so my burden of grief has been significantly lightened! It was like he acknowledged that I'm not perfect but I am as perfect as I am ever going to be as me! That i make mistakes and have flaws but he still loves me and enjoys providing for me. Jeff takes care of my every need; most of my wants and rarely my desires because he wants to. He enjoys making me happy... the feeling he gets when I look at him and smile in a genuine ear to ear grin of appreciation and do my happy dance is what he lives for! He has an over predatory-like need to protect me at all times and rarely leaves my side for longer than he has to. I am Jeff's world and have earned his respect and deserve all of the chivalry that he gives to me through his acts of love. I do not manipulate him or force him to do things for me; he found out how much the power of love can heal and transform you into a better person. We transformed each other and our relationship keeps getting better everyday! Why is this blog about Jeff so far and not about my bday reflections you wonder? Jeff is the reason that I grew into the person I am as of today! If it wasn't for his love and nurturing affect that he had on me my goals would be still heartfelt wishes. I wouldn't be able to think about the future with him; instead I would have been stuck in a traumatic past that wouldn't be let go of. Due to his love and trust of me I am know able to pursue more practical things within my life that will lead me onto the road that is my path to take. To be the person that I am suppose to be... that's starts this year! May 21st-
I woke up at 6:55am and waited for 3 mins till it was my birthday and sang happy birthday to me then went back to sleep. My sister Kristin called to wish me a happy bday and put Keela on the phone to listen to me explain that its Auntie Ashlee's birthday and she was all wide-eyed and attentive to my words. Then Ashley called and I was even happier... when Jeff and i finally woke up he greeted me with a happy birthday and a smile. Today was such a gorgeous day; not too warm and not too cold. IT was a perfect day and it felt perfect just like it was suppose to be... people weren't upset today and the world felt right on track for once. Even Max, an ex of mine, wished me a happy birthday...

All and all it was a good birthday experience all because of Jeff and his gut instincts...

The Hardest Week of The Year for Me...

As you all know this week is my birthday- the big 27 years of age... what many of you do not know is that this week also signifies my father's death anniversary. May 21st is the day that I came into this world and May 22nd is the day that my father died. Even though this even happened over 8 years ago this is a very sensitive time for me; it's the only time that I truly let my guard down and expose my pain for all to see.

Since I do not know how long you have been following my blog I'll try to start from the beginning to give you a full understanding of what I am going through. My father wanted my mother to abort me when she found out that she was pregnant with me. He was already 43 and my mother was 40 at the time of my arrival into this world. According to all of the "big wig" doctors if my mother carried me to term there was a high probability that I would come out with down syndrome or have an open spine. my father did not want to risk it but my mother being a devout catholic stood up to my father, defying him and decided to keep me. Of course I turned out to be normal [thank God!] but it caused a rift between my parents that only grew bigger as time went on.

My 2 sisters Judy, Kristin and my brother Michael were already respectively 14 1/2, 12 and 10. Then I come into their lives and for some reason all hell broke loose between my father and I. I do not know if it was jealousy or that he felt that he needed to compete for my mother's love or what but as a Capricorn he felt threatened by my presence in this family. From the ages of 0-3years my father was considered the "dominant/power parent." It was him that made all of the decisions; him who held all of the power within our family and I admired him and adored him. Unfortunately, this was only one-sided because he do not return those feelings to me. In fact, my father was afraid of getting too close to me; calling me names as "demon- spawn", "unlovable" and telling me to "put my horns back inside" He was the only person that I truly feared; he was the one that dealt out my corporal punishment whenever I did something that he didn't approve of. Whether it was wrong or right.

I was a Gemini who was being punished for no other reason than I merely existed; that was enough for him to loose his temper. Around him I wasn't allowed to speak unless I was spoken to first, could not question him on any of the things that told me, and was told that I always needed to be a " dutiful daughter; respect and obey him at all times. It was what the commandments said!" He had a 2" thick black leather belt that used to deal out my punishments; my mother would be at work when he did this. I was told to not say a word and accept my beating and to take it like a man. A lot of people wondered why i can handle such abuse from people; this is why.

After one incident in particular my mother walked through the door just in time to see him grab me and start in on me with the belt. She stepped in to protect me telling him to never again touch any of her children in that manner. Turns out that I was the only one that had the pleasure of getting this treatment.He told my mother, "Fine Karen, from this point on she's your responsibility; I wash my hands of her... you can deal with her!" She did. That was the last time that he referred to me as his flesh and blood. He wouldn't speak my name; didn't bother to look at me and this crushed me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong to deserve this from him and yet I was disowned by my own father. Judy, Kristin and Michael did not receive the same treatment from my father as I did. They were the family unit; i was just the outsider that didn't belong with them.

This went so far as to pretend that I didn't even exist. He would tell my mother "to tell her daughter that she is soulless, hallow and no one outside of family could ever love her!" I was standing less than 3 feet away from him as he would be saying such things. Even negative attention was better than none at all; so that is what I took from him. He blamed me for his marriage failing with my mother; the reason that he had to sleep on the couch. Blamed me for everything that went bad in his life because it wasn't until I entered this world that he lost everything. I just wanted his approval and love; maybe some attention and affection from him. That win or loose i could just be his daughter and that it was okay to be that... I was denied that till the day that he died. I pushed myself very hard to be the best at everything that I did just so that he would take notice of me; maybe even give me a compliment or tell me that he loved me. I would show him the things that I accomplished and he wouldn't even bother looking at them; just mutter underneath his breath, "an A- isn't an A++ get out of my face with that inferior piece of work!" I kept trying though to be the daughter that he wanted me to be but again I was denied any type of love from him.

During those years I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible so that I wouldn't upset him and have him yell at me, demean me or belittle me. All I had to do was to make a noise and that would set him off. Of course I would scream back and defend myself; he just used that against me and it added more fuel to the flame. Since my mother worked during the day I was left to suffer at my fathers hand for most of the day. He would tell me "NO because i said so"; when pressed he would answer, "cause I am your father and I reserve the right to say NO all of the time!" if I continued he would simply turn up the volume on the t.v. till my voice was drowned out. My mother had to bribe him to spend time with me and to be nicer towards me... but he couldn't. Everything about me just pissed him off too much for him to deal with me.

As time went on my Nana did her best to protect me from him; she was the only one that my father was afraid of and Nana took care care of me while my mother was at work. She was my guardian angel and if it wasn't for her my father could have quite possibly have killed me. My mother was sure on that. He treated me like a slave; this is why I am such a quiet person to this day; silently moving through the house without making any sound cause of his "lessons" that I had to learn. My only reprieve was school. Escaping into the the study lessons of school... how wrong was that. I still carry these scars with me into adulthood; learning how to be invisible and yet know more that I let on.

Weakness was never an option. Anger was never to be shown. The prince by Makaveli was what my father raised me with. that was his gift to me and it was a very cruel lesson to be taught. I became his whipping girl despite my mother and grandmother's attempts to shield me. I accepted my fate with him cause I knew that one day it would end... it had to end right? 19 years we were under the same roof; 6,935 days in a row of abuse: physical, mental and emotional. I endured that... the physical marks have long left me but the psyche has been imprinted with my father's dominant influence over me and there isn't much i can do about that except understand it and live with it. About half way through this abuse I was finally told that my father had been suffering from mini strokes and developed sleep apnea. that the reason for all of my torment was because the personality part of his brain was what got struck during those mini strokes. So after finding out that I knew about his condition the abuse escalated and he began to lash out at my mother and me... by this time my older siblings were already off to college and I was left alone with all of his negative emotions. I resented the hell out of him; everything that i accomplished was never good enough; never right and I had to be punished for not being perfect.

It wasn't just enough for him to break me he had to make sure that all of the things that I loved were taken away from me so that I couldn't survive. I had to hide anything that brought me great joy in life or else he would destroy it. hide my Halloween candy so that he wouldn't go into a diabetic comma and become the adult when he acted like a child. I had to forgive this man, my father for all of the horrible things that he did to me because he was ill. that was a very hard pill for me to swallow; but he was my father and I loved even after all of his negative projection onto me. He was the only father that I knew and so I would wake up from deep sleep when I would hear him stop snoring and poke his toes to get him to start breathing again. During the night he would have more mini strokes and continually stop breathing. I would be the one to start him back up again. I was my father's daughter; hardened by his hatred, molded by his harassment of me and cold due to his cruelness of withholding love from me. Yet through all of this I still worshiped him; wanted to be like him: strong, powerful, worldly, spiritual, highly intelligent, entrepreneur, and make an impact on this world in the ways that he did. I never wanted to hate my daddy; it was quite the opposite. Most people i explain this to do not understand my complex dealings with regard to my father... he took a lot of things away from me, but he gave me the person that I am today and for that I am grateful. My pain stems from the fact that he never loved me because he was scared of me; that even on his death bed he couldn't tell me that he loved me. That he could never walk me down the altar or see my child when that time comes. I have a great big hole in my soul from all the things that I couldn't share with him; the experiences that I do not have him in. Cause I miss him; even though he was an asshole to me I missed out on getting to know him. There is so much of him inside of me that I will never get a chance to ask him about. That if he was here to see the person that I turned out to become would he love me now?

He died without being able to communicate; his brain was working but he couldn't speak in a way that we could understand. the words came out all jumbled and finally let his last breath out holding Judy and Michael's hand in his. The official cause of death is a stroke on his brain stem... my mother and I were not present when he passed; he wanted it that way. He passed without me getting any closure or any explanations of his actions towards me; which hurts but what can you do... he chose to go the day after my birthday and that is what he choose; you can ask Judy if you do not believe me.

Now that my hair is natural I look more like him than usual and when I look in the mirror I see his face staring back at me; I can still hear his hurtful words towards me and all of the things that he took away from me because, "black people don't do that," or ," it's just a waste of time; you're not very good at it!" Sometimes Jeff inadvertently says things that my father said to me... normally I can take this and much more but this week those things will reduce me to tears; and i am left feeling that great big hole inside of me. Reminding me that my birthday celebrates the life that I received at the cost of my parents love and the 1 death that tore my family apart the day afterwards.

There is a lot more that I am leaving out; frankly I do not have the energy to convey all of the feelings that I am conflicted with at this moment in time... you get the gist of it so this will have to suffice as an explanation of my behavior since Friday...

This Too Shall Pass...

There are some types of pain that cannot be put into words... pain that has been imprinted on you and ingrained in you for so long that all you can do is make guttural sounds to express yourself accurately. So many things that I wish I could express about my past that have happened to me but words cannot convey them; nor describe them. These types of pain can only be felt and absorbed bypassing words altogether.

Pain is something that I know very well; emotionally. Mentally I have gone through it as well; psychical pain was the easiest to deal with... those scars disappear over time. The other 2 do not disappear with time as usual scars do; they linger never really going away. they just heal when they are good and ready to. Or so I thought; that was I was told anyways... everything that goes on around you is a constant reminder that the pain is now a part of you; it has become you. It can be managed; but it never truly heals.

How does one tell someone who hasn't had that type of experience with pain? who went through shit that you didn't go through & express how you feel when they have no point of reference? When you try to tell them "your" experience and all they do is turn the conversation onto themselves and their pain. It isn't about them or their pain; you not asking for them to talk... you are asking for them to listen without opening their mouths. but sometimes people do not understand that there is a time and place to share your experiences and there is also a time to just listen. I needed someone to listen to me; not as a shrink but as a friend. Someone who would understand just enough to give assurance; not to be selfish enough to compare their pain with me. normally, that is what you do in that situation; you share to become closer and to create a stronger bond. not in this case..." I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself-"

So if it was a "cry for help" as you put it you weren't listening anyways because you got mad at me and turned hostile telling me "not to send those types of messages out there unless you are willing to talk about it!." How can I talk about such things if you won't respect me enough to let me tell you in my own time; that the things that I am going through are such that it takes me a while to put the things in perspective to be explained. that there are certain things that I can discuss and was discussing with you till you turned defensive towards me and tried to force me to reveal everything to you... that isn't right and that isn't what friends do to one another. Yet she is mad at me for not opening up completely when I asked her not to ask me about it and she did anyways. Cuz it wasn't enough for her to let me convey my sentiments and tell her that I would explain things to her fully at a later date. when she is going through something I wait for her to tell me and if she doesn't I do not press; she did not extend the same courtesy to me it seems...

No More Masks... My Inner Sterngth is Freed!

Got in touch w/ my inner strength 2day... I'm who I am & if u can't handle me then go f*ck yourself & grow a pair! Your insecurity's ugly...

I am tired of people trying to put me in my place... I am a nice, kind and caring person but when you push me I'll push back and you won't like it; especially if you are a weak-minded, insecure person who puts others down to make yourself feel better. Unlike most people, I have no selfish intentions/motivations to be there for you. There is no angle or manipulation when it comes to my giving or my friendship. [Although most people think that since I am so nice that I am secretly planning to hurt you but time proves that it isn't the case=)]

Can't help the fact that I am a strong minded individual that reflects on life instead of the misery that it causes. I am defiant, reluctant and if need be cold in order to prove my points. Because people do not really believe that I am nice... and as a result have taken advantage of me so much that I loose my composure. Some have called me a nutcase, a basket case and straight up psycho... so what if I had to go to a psych ward it was because I was driven insane by INSECURE WEAK-MINDED males who blamed/punished me for just being myself! Again, doctors have told me that I am not crazy; far from it. How would you react if you were backed into a corner and trying to be coaxed out with kind, sweet words with a treat and as soon as you relax and accept the treat you get beat down for it! Standing up for myself is what normal people do and yet for some reason I am not allowed to do the same for myself.

You can beat me, abuse me, talk shit about me, rape me, give me a STD and attempt to break me but I am still here laughing at you because after all of the shit that I have taken from you I can look you in your eyes and say, "is that all you got!?!" The look on your face is all of the satisfaction that I need. No one can extinguish my inner flame; yet people still try like hell to snuff me. I learned as a child what the meaning of being the whipping girl means and there is no one on this earth that can force me to break. Ex-Boyfriends have tried and tried because I make them realize that they are pieces of shit; that through my actions towards them they see just how ugly they truly are. One has even recently thanked me for my role that I played in his life. Even going so far as to apologize to me for his behavior and was grateful that I taught him what it meant to actually love...

Yes, I am a force to be reckoned with... once I enter your life you are changed forever; good or bad. I am elemental in my being for I know that I am a spiritual being in cased in a human body. Normally I will not call you out of your bullshit; it freaks too many people out. Cause I understand that people have a need to keep their masks fully intact and crumble if they are exposed for who they truly are. I do not like to meet your mask or as I like to call it "your representative." I can see into your soul whether you want me to or not... I just won't tell you until I have to. The things that you hide are the things that I pick up on first... like the mirror that you refuse to look at yourself in. I do not lie to you so if you aren't ready to hear the truth that is accurate then please for your sake do not ask!

I know myself better than you could ever hope to; because I make a 200% effort each and everyday to discover what it means to be Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay... to know the why behind my actions so that I can be the best version of me that I can. I study myself to understand where all the things that constitute as me come from. Just because you cannot comprehend me doesn't mean that you have the right to make me surrender to your will.

My exes will admit that I am a pain in the ass... I know what I want and if you cannot give it to me then we have issues.[ Not money; I've never wanted that from them: just to consider me and treat me like an equal... and to love me for who I am; not what I do for you!] When I was each of them I really thought that it was my fault but now I have come to learn that it was all them; Jeff was the one that pointed it out to me... Jeff can deal with me and I haven't changed. My goals in the relationship are still the same and we have been together for 3+ years...Jeff thinks the world of me and gives me everything that I have ever wanted and more just by being a STRONG MAN who is confidently secure in himself!

Absent due to Spiritual Growth...

Sorry for being gone for so long... I have been in the midst of having a huge spiritual/ emotional. mental/ psychical growth spurt. My life has always been in a constant struggle of: being the best version of me that I can be and everyone else who tries to deterr me from my true goals in life. As a child it was my father's strictness and his limiting outpouring of love that kept me caged up in every way...
I was a mere shell of the person that I was suppose to be. Then my mother added to it by not encouraging me to follow my dreams and be a creative talent. They both thought that I was just a day dreamer and wouldn't amount to anything in that capacity. It was my grandmother who knew better and tried to cultivate all of my artistic endeavors... like all children I was told later after her death that I "had to put away all of my childish toys" including my artistic abilities.

Till now I have still lived with all of my childhood scars and didn't really understand how badly my parents influence had spread. I am a shell of a person because I didn't understand that I could defy them and be the artist that I am. when you are told enough times to do what you are told you do. All of the things I was good at I had to give up for the betterment of others. something that I am still bitterly hostile over because I didn't know any better to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying to ensure that my parents liked me enough to deal with me. Deep down I knew that when i entered this world I destroyed my parent's relationship. It was always a tug-of-war with them in order to deal with me.

As I was reading my solar return early... something inside of me told me to look at it; I had the feeling that I wasn't learning the things that I needed to be learning. My hunch was right; it told me that I needed to overcome my shadowy past and embrace my true self and begin to shine. something that I have been reluctant to do since as a child I was picked on as a result. I didn't realize that my inner light shines so brightly that it casts shadows upon others which is why they treated me so poorly. I wasn't doing it on purpose; I was just being myself and that has always been the problem. There is so much negative programming within me that I convince myself to fail or that I would fail and stopped taking any type of risks in my life. I am done sacrificing myself just so that others can feel better about themselves around me; done with dimming myself so that others look brighter within my presence.

I gave up everything that I have ever cared about just to have peace of mind in life... to be left alone form other people's insecurities and them being projected onto me. For my so called friends I have taken on their problems as if they were my own just to be accepted by them... and for what? When I need them the most they are gone. Jeff explained that as an adult friendships are quite different then when you were younger; now if you do not have anything to offer or be used for then adult friends do not want anything to do with you. There has to be something in it for them to continue to be their friend. If not, you are considered a burden and there for discard able.

Since people have been so cruel to me and have left me high and dry when I do succeed in an "adult way" I will not let them know and pretend that they do not exist. Cause in essence they weren't really true friends in the first place. So in one instance my heart is thoroughly broken that when you become an adult everything has to change in the relationship dynamics that used to be so simple and are not anymore. Guess its the Gemini in me but friendship is a friendship sort of like marriage where you are there for each other no matter what! Then again, I am a idealist at heart and think that the way in which I operate is universal for everyone else.

Self-Love and Light

A couple of days ago my really good friend Isabella* (made up name to protect my friend) came over. I always watch "RuPaul's Drag Race" with her online. She couldn't believe how these men were transforming their selves into prettier women than some real women. At the time I didn't think anything of it... all women react this way when they see a hotter Drag girl than a biological girl. I should have paid more attention to Isabella's wording of her comments out loud. I am like a terrier in that manner- hearing something someone said with just the wrong inflection on certain words that mask the deep, painful truth that you are trying to get me not to hear; see or feel you hiding the real Truth from yourself projecting it onto me. Usually I call you on it and bring it "into the light what was once hidden in the dark of night" but my intuition told me to let this one go for the moment. To give my over-worked brain a rest I try not to link everything to have a significant meaning about something deeper and more painful things that others do not want to talk about. I forget that others consider that rude and highly intrusive when I look at it as trying to help.

I explained to Isabella that the Drag Queens use make-up to shape the lines of their faces to get the best out of their "Drag Persona." Isabella eagerly committed this to memory and it was like she was taking mental notes about everything that I was saying. Again, I noticed but put it to the back of my mind for later analysis later when she had left. There are certain emotions that I am not really to familiar in distinguishing because I have not felt them within myself: Jealousy and envy. I have felt and been on the receiving end of these emotions but I have not been swayed by them internally. As a Scorpio, Isabella has a very good amount of darkness to her; her mysteriousness makes her both vulnerable and powerful. But she is very much filled with self-doubt about her body's physical appearance. Yet her inner light is so blinding and brilliant; her blue eyes reflect such harshness and tranquility all at the same time...

RuPaul's motto on her show is "If you cannot love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" This was something that I was comfortable with; a quote that I had to live by in order to begin the process of healing myself from all of the poison that was inside of me from other's abuse towards me. I had to tell myself that "I love myself more than you could possibly hate/hurt me... I love myself past all of the pain, sorrow and sadness. I forgive myself for not treating this vessel with more respect and will not let anyone extinguish my light inside of me. My light is love, Infused into me by my creator and that is something that can never be destroyed." People call me beautiful; gorgeous and I couldn't care less because even though that is not how I view myself (I love my flawed body...) I am the most happy when they say that my inner beauty outshines my outer beauty. Long ago I learned that I had to protect myself with self love; not just someone Else's love for me to keep me safe. My Nana showed me that... her love kept me safe from my father's illness induced wrath towards me. Isabella gave me a weird look/glance as I approvingly nodded my head in agreeance. I said that "you have to love yourself so much that it pours out of you in so much abundance that it overflows into someone else and they are filled with love in abundance. That is the cycle of love... it is infectious and overwhelms the whole entire being. " Her eyes looked big-eyed and blank in a "I do not know that feeling of self love...what does it feel like?" an almost odd curious look of blankness. It was in this moment that her mask was taken off and she was exposed. Isabella's eyes turned a dark blue trying to re mask herself.

As we were watching a transformation of a gay man into a Drag Queen Isabella admitted that she couldn't walk in heels and that she walks like a man. I pulled out my heels and began to explain the art of walking in heels and why it is important to walk with one leg in front of the other like on a trapeze. I told her heels were designed to make your butt higher and more arched which also causes you to overcompensate by sticking your chest out. Reminded her that it is heel toe heel toe. If you feel like you are going to fall, use your hips as counter balance. She was so nervous; filled with doubt and unsure of herself that I thought that she was going to cry of embarrassment. I was wise to stop with the heel lesson and we went to look at lingerie. I think that this made her even more uncomfortable but we commented on each of the outfits that we saw.

Walking her out to the car in the darkened mist it was later revealed that she has no self love for herself. She understands that she is beautiful on the inside and has still been told that she is physically ugly. Something that she hasn't been able to get over. It was hard for her to even talk about it... she thought that I didn't catch her vocal tone. I called her on it and she started talking in a hysterical tone; a higher pitched tone that made her sound like she was on the verge of crying. I told her that what she was saying she doesn't believe and her eyes turned into panic because I saw into the real Isabella; The way she believes herself to be. There was a sigh of relief to her; an eerie calm right before the storm so to speak. She was very surprised to know that I saw her so clearly; that I was able to pierce her so deeply. She said that when she is around me she knows that she is safe and she can be herself more. I told her how much it hurt me that she didn't have self love. I know how important it is to have that in your life and what the world feels like when you do not.

Freaking out people is not something that I like to do; especially when they do not want themselves to be seen in the light because they are worried how ugly they really are. My personality is such that I inadvertently bring out that which you wish to hide and keep secret. What you hide is what makes me love the person that you are. Seeing those things behind you eyes is what makes me want to be your friend in the first place. Isabella is no exception to this and our heart to heart made me love her even more. I knew that I had scared her; my keen powers of observation had made her realize that I am much more than I pretend to show psychically and let on. I struck a chord in her and I do not know if she was alright with that. Her wording upon leaving was equivalent to someone saying goodbye in finality. Like I had just killed her admitting that big secret that she kept inside of herself. There is a picture of her where she is in the shadows of it staring towards the light longing for it but is just out if its reach being too comfortable within the darkness to leave. I haven;t spoken to her since... which bothers me because she hasn't read my message that I sent to her over a couple days ago yet approves my comment made the same time... I will not try to delve into that mystery yet and wait for her to respond to me before I make up my mind about my behavior for seeing too much within her. In my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but in her mind I may have....Scorpios tend to act that way and sting the people who try to help and become hostel towards them if they feel threatened in any way.

Cynnefull Gardens: First Seed Fruition...

"The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bosom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.- "

Cynnefull Gardens Welcome

For all of you new readers this is my welcome blog. The seeds that were all planted here are from my life; that I have nurtured and raised myself. You can call them memories of my past, knowledge, experience, a representation of my soul... these are the flowers that make up my heart.

The very first flower in my garden of Cynne I did not create; that seed was from my creator who made me. It took a very long while to coax out the plant that was inside of the seed like it was undecided about which type of flower it wanted to be. Slowly this stub of green started to emerge and my life began to take shape. My mother nurtured it, my sisters cared for it, my brother protected it and my father shined like the sun to help my inner flower grow. As I was experiencing life at the age of 5, the sun's rays began to dissipate and my sunlight was no longer there to keep me warm. Looking back, that was when my father lost his will to succeed and began to shut himself off from the world. His absence stunted my growth into this beautiful flower that I was becoming and it was the beginning of the end as I knew it. There was less and less time for my mother to nurture me with her having to make end meet while my Father was having health issues. Then my sister's went off to their own lives and there was no one to care for me; weeds began to grow all around me. By age 8 my bother had gone off to college and wasn't able to protect me anymore. When my Nana came into the picture I was 5... but my growth from her tutelage didn't begin till I was 8. From that point on she was my everything that I needed to grow; taking on all roles that my family had neglected to do.

The next 5 years my flower grew strong and healthy... my soul was receiving all of the things that It needed and I was so happy. I felt cared for again and it was magical till the day it was gone. Everyone was so busy taking care of me that I never was taught to take care of my own self; provide for my own well being. My father's illness had gotten the best of him and since Nana wasn't here to shield me from his verbal abuse my flower wilted and was no more... Weeds sprang up in its place from age 13 to 19 are what I refer to as my "lost years." Memories that were filled with pain, anger, rage, depression, emptiness, and emotional turmoil. Each memory became a new flower growing in the darkest part of my heart. A place that is sometimes too hard for me to walk through when I am in Cynnefull Gardens... but I go and see them because they are a part of me; still beautiful growing from the darkness that was my heart so long ago...

What had felt like an eternity had passed before my soul re-emerged back up to the surface in the form of a flower. Still surrounded by weeds; taken over by all of the thorny flowers that had run a muck while my soul was trying to find the strength to resurface. This was when I learned how to love myself; to fully understand that I didn't need my family to do this for me... that I could function and survive on my own without feeling like the rug has just been pulled from underneath me. My brain was trying desperately to remember how my grandmother did it; so that I could at least imitate it till I begun to acquire the skills needed to raise myself. As I was tending to my self; this precursor to Cynnefull Gardens, my dark flowers were turning into scars that would not heal emotionally. My "inner me," the tiny version of me who tended to my heart, was looking like I was a dead ringer for Carrie 2. Except these scars were killing me in a constricting manner; pressing against me while puncturing my skin. En caging me to a life that I did not want; transforming me into a person my soul did not want to become...

Eventually, I was able to forgive myself, and the others that were causing me pain to begin the healing process within my soul. So that my heart could be at ease from the strangle hold those emotions put me in. I learned how to become my own tender of my garden... which has now grown into Cynnefull Gardens. My first seed being able to open itself to the brightest sun within me that I can muster up. Who's nurturance is given freely and without a price; getting cared for the way that my creator had originally intended and was denied permission till now... Weeds are no longer present in these gardens. The dark flowers have a place of their own where the sun shines least of all on them; but it shines nevertheless.

My Relationship w/ Jeff...

Jeff and I have been together for over 3 years now... for the both of us this is a lifetime together! But only in the number; it hasn't felt like it has been 3 years. Both of us are 2 very distinct people...

Jeff vibrates more towards red & orange: action, anger, brutal honesty, and his animistic nature within him. Striving for perfection and purity that he rarely finds within himself and others. He is always true to himself and to his beliefs even if they hurt you unintentionally. Words to him have no meaning and the words that come out of his mouth can be detrimental to someone if they do not know who they are; or someone who takes the meaning behind the words more seriously than he does. Jeff is a true human volcano looking for someone or something to cause him to erupt. He isn't a danger to me or to anyone else; he is just rough around the edges because life has molded him that way. Jeff can be easily disgusted with things that he views that are wrong, yet he has the most wonderful laugh and childlike charm to counterbalance his less than likable qualities. His smile, genuineness and protectiveness towards me is something that I have only experienced with him within a relationship. There is no control, manipulation, breaking of my will or abuse in any way... he accepts me for me.

I on the other hand vibrate more towards a mixture of blue & yellow: thought, words, patience, honesty without cruelty, tolerant, hope, principalities, caring, and unconditional love. My extremes are felt on an everyday basis and you are never sure what you are going to get from me on any given day. My complexities are very deeply rooted in me and yet are very simplified. Beauty and appreciation of all things makes me grateful for everything that has been given to me; good and bad. Life could have made me a much colder person but I choose to be warm, generous and nurturing towards others. I am childlike; with a laugh that rivals Santa Claus. My soul, heart and mind all work together to give me that resilience that I need to survive. Faith, love and hope are my means of motivation for the cornerstones of my life. I am a combination of air and water...

This relationship is an odd mixture: one is overly caring on the outside while the other cares on the inside. One refuses to show anger openly while the other has no problem getting it out if his system. I do not need to yell, fight , or argue to get my point across; I just write/type it out of my system so that you cannot see my buttons to get underneath my skin. Jeff cannot let any type of anger linger in his system for too long because it will fester. One openly asks for help with things; the other looks at help as a criticism. Yet we are both highly intelligent creatures each in our own way; Jeff gets numbers, logic and psychics. I get emotions, behaviors and the relationship between thoughts & emotions expressed explaining it in a logical manner.

In the last 3 years Jeff and I have turned each others world upside down; I like to be around people flaws and all while Jeff cannot handle stupidity in any shape or form. He has no tolerance for anything that he cannot logically understand and I will take the time to explain it to him... Jeff gives me harshness while I try to soften him; something which he dislikes but tolerates because he loves me so much. We love each other so much that we listen to each others views/perspectives on life and find a happy medium within ourselves to co-exist with one another. Yes, we do rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time; we are constantly eroding away that part of ourselves that keeps us narrow minded and closed off from other ways at looking at the world. Re-building the core concept of who we are and what we represent into a better working version of our self for all to take notice of.

For all of Jeff's rough exterior he his quite gentle, caring and gets easily hurt if he isn't appreciated in all that he does for you. This is what I show on the outside. This is the side of him that rarely comes out because it is too vulnerable for him to show. Sometimes I have to bring out my anger to show him that words do hurt because they do have meaning; that I may be immuned to his venomous tone but that doesn't mean the poison does not affect me. That the tears that I shed are not from fear or sadness; that they are cause I am angry and my adrenaline is pumping. Lashing out only as a last resort with carefully chosen words in a tone that he will listen to. I am zen till it is time not to be zen...

Despite all of this, Jeff and I are extremely lovable towards one another which actually surprises the both of us. Our hearts have been closed off for a very long time and the fact that we allowed each other into our hearts in the first place is hard to believe. I have a giving heart but not in relationships; that nearly always leaves me broken and numb. Jeff only gives if he is in a relationship; then gives it up when the girl consistently disappoints him. We are by no means each other's "ideal companion" for one another but it is my flaws that make me human and he wouldn't have me any other way... Jeff needs someone to love him past all of the hostility and aloneness that he harbors within him; someone who knows what it is like and still can be sweet and kind all the while living with that cold feeling...

Love is an emotion that I understand well; Jeff doesn't get it and just knows that he cannot be with out me for any period of time. [makes going to work for him that much harder now that we do not work together anymore] His love for me is instinctual; primal and yet protective and nurturing...only caring about my happiness. Cause when I am happy; he is happy. Simply put: we are opposites that are just mirror images of one another's souls.

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 2

My girlfriends have asked me how to be more feminine; putting on the correct make-up, dress, walk, poise, etc. and I have responded, "Watch a professional Drag Queen if you want to see the essence of what a woman should personify..." Usually I suggest To Wong foo, Looking at Vida Bohemme's character (Patrick Swayze) to show the elegance and grace that a female can and does posses. Now, I refer them to "Rupaul's Drag Race" so that they can 'see' all of the wonderful rainbows of the feminine personas to pick and choose what they want to take from each contestant; Even Rupaul herself.

For tips on applying make- up may I suggest Expert Village Videos - this link brings you to a highlighting & Contouring video... a make-up technique that you see the Drag Queens using in "RuPaul's Drag Race." I find that it is always better to watch someone do it then try it yourself then reading from a book then trying to recreate it.

M.A.C cosmetics is a good product to use if you are going to go full out on make-up. There are rumors that M.A.C is bad for your face; that the products make your face break out and whatnot but I haven't found that to be true in my case. Also used on Rupaul's Drag Race and the Queens look phenomenal! M.A.C.s range of colors and types of products makes me wish that I had the money to buy all of them and become a make-up artist for M.A.C! Take the time to really look at all of the different products to see what their uses are and if you can, and have the money go to the nearest M.A.C counter and ask for a make-over (Minimum spending is $60 I believe... but it is so worth it!)

Clothing: that can be a little bit trickier than the make-up... First of all, you need to find your body type. body types can be varying for everyone. The New York Post had a good article about this topic... also try this video: How to pick clothes for your body type. still not satisfied and want to make your own clothes... Click HERE . Sewing is a talent that not wo/man should be without; especially if you need to make something fabulous and money is an issue.

The Walk: Walking is hard enough; walking in heels is scary if you are not used to them. I didn't wear heels till I was 18, even then I couldn't walk in them. The trick- Heel then toe in a straight line; pretend like you are walking on a trapeze. One foot in front of the other heel then toe. When you do this your hips will naturally move to help counterbalance you. If your left foot is stepping then when you put your heel down your right hip will jet to the right; right foot it will be your left hip to the left. It will feel funny at first; especially if you have poor posture. Walk with your head straight and looking forward.

Posture: To feel how 'off ' your posture is try this- place your fingertips behind your earlobes (where the part of skin that connects to your neck and jawbone) and gently push up. If you cannot feel the difference immediately then have a friend stand behind you to do it to you using one hand cupping the back of your neck (thumb on one side, fingers on the other)This will definitely feel funny is you have not done this before... eyes should be in front of you; as if you are staring at someone. (If you cannot look directly at them; stare at their nose or forehead right above the eyes)

Poise: Every woman should be able to walk into a room and have all eyes immediately on them. Side effects of this include: jealous/resentful/ insecure/envious women giving you the evil eye and dawging you for the rest of the night. Relax- just smile even brighter and be even more charming even if you are crawling out of your skin; you love yourself more than they could ever hate you! Don't worry- just approach them with a sincere smile and give them a compliment; you'll be friends for the rest of the night.

Gestures: What a Drag-videos that starts with make-up and ends with poise/gestures from a Drag Queen point of view. Women move slowly and gracefully; not fast or without thought. They use smaller motions and look as if they are flowing like a river never touching the ground.

Hair: If you like wigs... Lace front wigs are the best! they are barely visible and when contoured correctly you can hardly notice. If you need a hair consult- go HERE- this link will take you to The hair styler. Giving you a more complete breakdown of your needs. (even includes your facial shape) If you aren't sure about your hair type but can look at a description and picts go HERE- this link takes you to an excerpt of Andre Walker's hair classification system on Naturally curly. These are all of the tips/hints/ secrets that i can share with you at the moment... I cannot think of anymore yet I know that I am forgetting much...

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 1

As a female, should I be learning how to be a woman from Drag Queen? Yes! After much research I have found out that "drag" isn't quite the accurate word for Drag Queens; most prefer Female impersonator because they do more than just dress up as a girl. According to Wikipedia however it is the opposite... so for sake of argument I will call these "women" Drag Queens because everyone is familiar with that name.

I know that I am a beautiful woman... so much so that it reflects out of me; shinning forth from within myself. But I wasn't always like this; as a child I was literally a wall flower. I only spoke when someone asked me a question; extremely shy around others and with myself. I had no idea who Ashlee was or how to express her. She was just inside of me waiting for me to let her out yet I couldn't; I was afraid of her and what she would be capable of. To this day I still do not reveal my full personality for that same reason. The only difference is that I know who I am and how to express myself without being too in your face. Went the direction of more refined than showy; substituting brash abrasiveness, hostility and self assuradeness for grace, elegance, and etiquette, and manners. Not exactly what you would picture a Gemini to act and behave; but I looked liked a Gemini; read books, wrote, and had an affinity for schooling.

It wasn't till I hit high school and made cheer squad that You saw the transformation within me. Most people though that I had low self-esteem issues; including my mother... I just noticed as a little girl in elementary school that if you looked pretty; ascetically pleasing to the eye that you were handed things easier than if you were not pleasing to the eyes. That people gave me handouts! Doing things for me that I could do myself because I was so pretty. It actually bothered me greatly; the injustice of it all and I rebelled against it. In 1993, "Spuermodel" by RuPaul came out and I was fascinated by how well a man could look as a female... the curves of the body; the "tuck" walking in heels. I was blown away and remembered something: Watching an ode to the 80's weekend on VH1 I saw the video "love shack" by the B-52's... that was when I saw Rupaul for the first time and died at how gorgeous she was. Form this point on RuPaul has been an inspiration to me; Her balance of female personas has been something that I have admired since I knew who she was.

Then when I had to "look " the part of a cheerleader I went out and got every single month of Cosmo magazine so that I could understand what the hell I was getting myself into. This was a huge step for me cause in 8th grade I wore baggy jeans and big tops; not letting people see my figure so that they could say that my boobs were huge. (size 32 c) thanks to Cosmo I had learned how to put om make-up, and carry myself as a woman. the result showed up when A teacher even told his football students that "I am the essence of a woman and what a woman should be..." just so that they could give me my football booster award. No one knew a thing about me!

What does this side story have to do with Drag Queens!?! Everything! In order to be a great Drag Queen, you need to know what makes up the essence of a woman; so that the wo/man can become the "Queen." It is not something that we are automatically born with; it has to be learned, adapted and then applied so very well that it becomes second nature to be feminine... even girls have a major challenge to be ultra-feminine. Like the Drag Queens, I had to study the role of acting like royalty; but not being above everyone else. That is a very fine line to walk because the only thing that saves you from bitchy females are your manners... even of you want to get in their face for prejudging you due to their insecurity.

Back then I wish that I was someones Drag Daughter... taken underneath their wings and shown the way of femininity. Being a Tomboy came easier to me than putting on a fufu dress and make-up. It was too time consuming and I had things to do; trees to climb and digging in the mud. Then in 1995 the movie, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar" came out and Drag would be forever ingrained in my mind. It taught me to celebrate my womanness and be proud of what my mother gave me to shake. that it was alright to be myself... despite what others thought about me. I became more outgoing; hung out with gay men giving them the latest fashion tips that I had found out from Cosmo. Even arguing about the guys we liked! My confidence level was always high but hidden; never wanting to make the jealousy/ resentment/ envy a bigger issue than it already was. High school is tough enough as is- I didn't want to add to it. Unfortunately for me everyone else did. Cheer Mothers were telling their daughters, "why can't you be more like Ashlee..." making comments about my body; my smile, my whole persona. My friends would get reamed by their parents often being compared to me... it was horrible and had to deal with sabotage for most of my high school years...

Thank goodness I survived; did some modeling and learned the true value of applying make-up and the many effects that one can create just to one's own face... let alone someone elses. Took a course on theatre costume and make-up in college and once again reminded myself of the performer that was inside of me that I rarely showed... yet out shined everyone when she came out of her box. I transformed myself into a cheetah; wearing a cheetah print top and sarong; letting my hair naturally curl untamed by my headband... it was so thrilling and yet no one know it was me. The illusion had worked and I thought to myself." this must be how a Drag Queen feels when he gets mistaken for a woman..."


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What have we become...

First off, the world being in upheaval hasn't escaped me; I feel the vibrations of things out of balance and I am very concerned about it. Whether or not this is the end of the world as we know it or not, things are not alright on any level. It's almost as if the universe has heard all of our bitching, yelling , moaning and has decided to really give us something to complain about. Mother Nature is so tired of us burning down her trees, creating global warming, senseless killing of animals, over population of her earth that she is now unleashing her full wrath on us as well... now people are turning more primal and animistic in the nature. I can't help but wonder what have become and how do we stop the terror/evil that is within ourselves from destroying everything that we love?

I look around me and see people suffering for no reason; I understand that the Universe, God, Creator needs us to suffer when it has a purpose. You need both water and rain to grow; needing both happiness and suffering to grow into the being that you are to become... but a person who has money and looks down on others for not having money; rubbing it in their faces while they are loosing their jobs, their livelihoods... well that is just plain cruel. Every second of every minute someone out there is getting their house foreclosed upon; wondering how they are going to keep a roof over their family's head. How they are going to feed their children when they cannot afford to... Teachers who shape the minds of our future are being laid off and children are slipping through the education system cracks without proper guidance and nurturing. The world that we are living in at this very moment is unraveling all around us and the only thing that can save us is us- and we have forgotten how to do that a long time ago when materialism became more important than spiritualism and communing with nature.

Were you aware that the trees aren't producing enough oxygen? In fact they are absorbing so much carbon monoxide that they cannot convert it all into oxygen and are producing less and less as a result? On top of that, we are cutting away precious rain forest trees; an animals habitat just so that human beings can be more comfortable with our precious "possessions."

Animals that I grew up learning about are about to become extinct from our direct influence on their lives. Who ever said that human beings were more superior than the animals that have been here a lot longer than we have. We were never top of the food chain; that is the illusion. Animals haven't had a reason till now to looking at us as food. Cause now it is all about survival of the fittest; natural selection at its best.

What I once thought to be human nature is not anymore; in these harsh times people are not banding together like we should be doing... given the choice they are being selfish and looking out for what is theirs. Making sure that there is plenty for them and that it sucks to be you because you do not have. People are turning greedier when they should be lending a hand to help; sharing in this time of uncertainty but they are hoarding. Treating others as inferior; worthless and without value. Have our hearts gone that cold that even though you and I all have problems mine are more important than yours!?! That we are putting ourselves before others cause we feel that entitled? Has our pride gotten so high that we cannot see the things that actually matter more than just out egos?If this has become so then human beings are destined to fall...

Hope, faith and love are my biggest strengths in this world which sort of make me an easy target to be manipulated, coerced, and constantly taken advantage of. In my heart I believe that the good outweighs the bad within us all but I have to say that people when given the chance will use you if they think that you have something that they want; discarding you when they have used you up. Do a person a favor and they are grateful, appreciative and accepting of that gift; do a person 10 favors and they are expecting the 11th. Cynical and pessimistic I know but unfortunately this is a real phenomenon that occurs much too commonly. Listen to song #76 on my playlist. It is called What have we Become by DC Talk... this song was written back in 1996... and yet it is as true then as it is now. I have linked the blog title to the lyrics for this song to get a better picture of what I am trying to convey.

I understand that people are not like me; I have accepted that and come to embrace it. I turn on the news and hear about all of the sad things going on and I understand that sad things do happen every single moment of every single day... but what I cannot comprehend is why we treat others so poorly when we just want them to accept us; the real person that isn't the lie that has to be maintained in order for appearances.

When did it become okay to intentionally make people feel smaller when they are just trying to survive the day just like you are? Everyone is guilty of lashing out at someone... but was the lashing out really necessary? I get that it is [sometimes] better to get it out of you than it is to hold it in but why that particular person at the particular time? Why continue the cycle of anger/hate/frustration onto others when you should be dealing with it yourself? So what if you are angry/hurt/betrayed... that still doesn't give you the right to take it out on someone else; or does it? In this day and age more people are starting to lead to the latter of the two and for what purpose? Cause I know that it doesn't make you feel any better... so why continue to do it.

Everyday more and more people are reverting back to their most primal of instincts and that scares me; I have seen what happens first hand when people turn primal. The switch for whats right and what;s wrong gets short circuited and want and desire run free till their whims are met...

what is wrong with people!?! Deep down everyone knows what is right and what is wrong... yet we just ignore it and do not care. Some peoples mindset are such that they would wish me harm just because I do not fit their picture of " the world would be a better place if..." scenario. They do not even know me yet they wish death or worse... all based off of my looks, name, or anything else that they find unappealing.

The world is a scary place now...people are scary; acting like beasts that are relying on lust, desire and anger. It feels as if the evil within us all is winning and all others like myself can do is just watch and pray that it doesn't happen to them.

I'm praying for all of the evil hearts to come back to good; we miss you...

Watching Keela Grey...

Yesterday I had the privilege to baby sit my newest niece Keela Grey. Keela was suppose to enter this world on x-mas '08 and be a Capricorn... she had other ideas for herself. She came into this world on October 23rd, 2008 at 2:02am making her a double Leo with Scorpion tendencies.

Keela was 2lbs 15 and a 1/2 ozs... at the time she was born. 16" long. 8 weeks early and yet she let out a loud and boisterous cry to let us know that her lungs were fully developed. We went and visited her and my sister Kristin in the hospital as many days as we could afford to go.

It was difficult seeing her with all of those tubes stuck in her but I managed to put my fears aside and project encouraging thoughts towards her being able to come home. Keela came home November 3, 2008 and she was a little bit over 4 and a half pounds. Technically she's 4months old but I found out that you count from her due date- making her 8 and a half weeks.

As of Yesterday Keela Grey is 10 pounds 1 ounce and has begun to learn how to smile and laugh. She absolutely adores her auntie Ashlee and is so comfortable with my energy that she has no worries in the world. Only when she needs something does she let out a few cries- just to let you know that she is wet or hungry; other than that she's a really well behaved little girl. Her eyes are so big that it looks like she is staring through you instead of at you. When she saw me Keela stuck her tongue out at me- it was the last thing that I did when I left her on Sunday showing me that she remembered who I was.

We danced, I sang to her, she tried to talk to me- interaction at its most basic yet making such a huge impact on her little psyche that will help shape her into the person she will become. I experienced my first diaper change and Keela didn't scream bloody murder! For some reason she doesn't like her diaper changed- maybe it is the act of being exposed; but as soon as you are finished she has a big smile on her face and all is well. Child development is such a wonderful things to watch, observe and interact with. You are accepted by her even though she cannot make out your intentions- she can feel your vibrations and knows that she's safe.

As I said my goodbyes to Keela I could tell that she didn't want me to leave and it put a smile on my soul...

Life Lessons... Learned the Hard Way

Usually when the world turns its back on me I quietly reflect in my Cynnefull Gardens... today, I opted to visit my sister Kristin and play with my 1 month old niece Keela. She lives by the beach and I thought that maybe if I played with an innocent it would make me feel better. It did. When you are around kids they do not lie to you, use you or deceive you in any way. All they want is love, attention and affection. Babies do not pretend to like you; they either do or don't. You are not searching for their hidden intentions or having to have your guard up constantly. Babies see you for you, accept you weather you have money or not. They look into your heart, and soul to see who you are...


I am learning a very huge life lesson right now, people [keeping the names out of this for blog's sake] do not care about you. Only YOU care about YOU! Others pretend to care when it suits them; when they find out that you have nothing to offer them magically they dissapear. Up until about 3 weeks ago I realized that human beings are leaning more towards the side of selfish than selfless. Now that the economy is going into a reccession, everyone is out for themselves; any charitable or humanistic understanding of this global recession has fallen on deaf ears making way for the "I gotta get mine before you get yours" mentality to spread like wildfire.


Everyday more and more people are losing their jobs, their homes, their families cause there isn't enough money in their employer's bank account to go around. All the business people care about is "where's the money you owe me!?!" Where are the jobs at so that I can get hired and you can get paid? Oh yeah, that's right California is at a all time high with unemployment... none of that matters to the people who are screaming for their money. They just want their money. Does anyone else understand that it is bad for everyone everywhere? We are all suffering, money is just one of the many issues at hand that is perpetuating the cycle of selfishness even more.


I subscribe to the fact that we all are spiritual beings in search of a humanistic experience; not the other way around. So it is hard for me to be surrounded by all of this ugliness for no other reason than people wanting their money.

Retreat to Cynnefull Gardens...

Each morning I open my eyes and thank God that I am a good person; that my heart is open and empathetic, not sympathetic towards others. That I do not go out of my way to make the people around me miserable, hurt or worse. Making room for the people in my life even if there isn't much space...cause I care that much.

The cold harshness of reality has once more stained my inner core just like the heat wave in winter... People all around me are loosing their hope, and their lower- based emotions have taken over; trying to seep into me. I soberly look around and realize that human beings have forgotten what it means to "treat others the way that you want to be treated." That the Golden Rule no longer applies and people are only out for themselves now...that their hearts have become hollow, rotten and empty.

So I retreat into my garden of Cynne, walking alone in beauty once more to remind me that here in my Cynnefull Gardens the outside world doesn't exist. Here, I can be myself without the mask that I have been forced to wear to hide myself from the evilness that's humanity. Even the seeds that grow from the darkness; absent of light will turn into beautiful flowers and trees. Unlike humans, flora aren't born with a capacity for evil. Flora doesn't treat you differently for the person that you are; but humans do. Ugliness doesn't exist here; anger, jealousy, envy, rage, betrayal, greed... are all memories long forgotten in a world called "reality".

Each seed is it's own world; growing to become it's own universe. Following the cycle of life. Interconnected with everything else around it till it becomes part of the system itself. Doing it's share of balancing/maintaining the Eco-system so that everything is contained; self- sufficient.

Beauty is appreciated and looked upon as a virtue within Cynnefull Gardens; not as something to be destroyed or raped from others...

I pause.

Take a deep breath in; Feeling a wave of positivity as I stare at the moss covered tree bark. Smelling the sweet fragrances that the garden gives off. Exhaling out all of the negativity, fears, insecurities that life is trying to throw my way.

Relaxing and preparing myself for the re-emergence of myself back into reality. Where the people are less then positive; demanding that you turn cold and fail to make them feel just a little bit better about themselves. Chipping away at the goodness within you like the elements eroding the earth...

Cynnefull Gardens... Welcomes you

Come, walk with me in my Garden of Pure Cynne...™
Don't be shy...
Take a moment to breathe it all in-

The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bossom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.

Welcome to my Cynnefull Gardens...

Garden's Secret by: ©Purely Cynnefull Designs™