3 Simple Words...

...And with a single phrase spoken from his lips
She was paralyzed;
The words that should have meant something special...
Didn't.
Those precious words came out hollow and empty;
Automatic sounding in tone as he carefully pronounced each syllable,
giving away the lie behind the meaning of every gesture he did towards her
3 simple words that are suppose to bring happiness
brought nothing but torment to her heart.
What he didn't realize was that she knew him better than he thought.
All those years standing silently by his side
Watching him;
Observing him
But most importantly listening to what he said.
Hearing the tonal inflections
Watching his body language as he said it
She studied him...
Figured out how to know the difference between his truths,
his lies and the tells that give him away.
So she didn't say those words back to him.
oh no
She just gave him a look and said
"Next time mean it when you say I LOVE YOU
I can always spot your lies...

Swords

Swords   (2^nd version of Please Stop… You’re hurting me)

By: Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 1/9/13

 

My love is a single edged sword

Created to protect

To keep safe that which is held dear

To serve the person who wields it obediently

Without harm

Always

Without harm unless betrayed.

Being something to rely on

To trust and depend upon by the person who holds it

An instrument used to pledge your loyalty

Allegiance

Your life, to the one that you love

Or death to the one whom betrays…

 But your sword of love isn’t like mine

It is likened to a double edged sword

One edge that feels my warmth and love

Reciprocating that which I give to you

Yet the other edge is a darker one

An edge that causes pain

Reflected upon and within every movement

Every gesture

Every word as if it’s ingrained in you

Carefully aimed straight at my heart

Waiting to strike

Poised to strike

And repeating to strike till there is nothing left of my heart

 

Now your double edged sword has killed what I value most-

My love for you

Tturning it into a deepening betrayal

That keeps bleeding out pain

You have overstepped your reach

Now this single edged sword that once loved you

Protected you

Who refused to harm you

(Even if that meant her own death)

 Has risen up against you

In order to save what little of herself that she can

Patiently defending herself from your vicious attacks

Waiting for the perfect moment to strike

That which is killing her from the inside

Waiting for you to see the tears

That her heart has been crying out 

Because single edged swords were created to protect the ones they love…

But betrayal is punishable by death.

And you have betrayed that which she holds dear…

Found it!

And with a quick lunge of her sword his chest was pierced

Adding pressure her sword slowly passed thru the ribcage

with tears in her eyes made contact with his heart

Then out threw his back

She slowly twisted her sword upward

Making the slit a complete circle

And as the blood drained out of his heart

Her face reflected that which she felt-

A smile of satisfaction

 with tears of joy.

There was a Time...

There was a time that I would have done anything for you;
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…

I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command

And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you

I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.

All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…

Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…

But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

Something that will Never be...

I forgot how enticing your voice can be,
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…

I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…

This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;

You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner

Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…

I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world

But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.

Reminding me of something that will never be...

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

No Sympathy for the Devil...

Your voice is so haunting;
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears

For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again

All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own

A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control

Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;

No sympathy for the devil tonight…

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved

Before the Dawn Comes...

Enjoying the darkness and the silence that the hours before dawn brings.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.

The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...

In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...

Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.

CPD-Looks Can Be Deceiving...

CPD-Releasing the Genie

Light and Dark

I wanted you to see me for who I am
Try to understand where I was coming from
Your insignificant generosity brings me to tears
I did everything that you ever asked of me
Still that wasn’t enough for you
Your cold selfish heart could never penetrate the things that I hold dear
The person that I thought you were turned into a hellish demon
Replacing love and kindness with deep seeded anger and resentment
My heaven with you turned to hell. . .
So hell is really paved with good intentions
I never asked you to be a better man for me; that pressure you put on yourself
Things could have been different, but then was it suppose to be?
You decided to turn to the darkness while I went to the light
My spark that I lent to you could not be seen
The goodness that rubbed off on you is no longer visible anymore
The evilness that is you prevails and I am free from your reign
I can walk in the light without fear of you pulling me back

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Fighting With the Ex...

My body is tired
I’ve lost my will to fight
Too many emotions have I gone through in this last night
My tear ducts are so puffy that I can’t see
Just because you chose to ignore me
I’m not the easiest to deal with
But what you tired to accomplish in your infinite wisdom produced a scar that will never heal
How can you sit there and say that “you’re teaching me a lesson”
One by the way I have been already taught,
Re-taught and learned not by you but by the others that came before,
By my own father and by my culture
You sit up on your high throne thinking that you have done nothing wrong
Go on living your life normally while I have suffered
Blowing off my calls because you have better things to do
Making me second to everything including a shower and video games to put me in check
I am not some animal that you can give cruel and unusual punishment to!
Especially when you know how fragile I am
Your menace in your eyes towards me
Your undeniably stone cold face in front of me
I sensed no emotion from you
My heart is weak and wounded
Since you can’t take the time out of your busy schedule to deal with me
Knowing that my depression will soon get the best of me
You have put me into my internal hell again
Something that I struggle with constantly from you
You brought me back here to a place I loathe
Making me think that this is where I belong
You just rejected me like all of the others did
Making me understand that love will never find me
I hoped that my long search was finally over
But alas, all I found was illusion
This is why I will forever choose not to love
To let myself be vulnerable in this way
You were my last hope in a dream that will be forever lost in me
My heart fells nothing anymore
All this because you couldn’t say that I was misplaced in my anger?
Because you didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Because you have more important things to deal with...
Your depressed girlfriend who you made this way?
Who just wanted to know why you wouldn’t return her phone calls?
Why you wouldn’t tell her a simple I’m sorry?
Games are never the answer
Just more problems that lead further from a resolution
You who I trusted, loved and confided into
Would have to resort to this childishness just to prove your point?
At the risk of destroying us forever?
I forgot you only think about yourself
You never think about the other people involved do you?
It never occurred to you what effect you would have over me
And yet somehow it still is all my fault that I suffered at your expense
Yet you’re the one who has no remorse and you call me the psycho bitch
Only further instilling in me that my thoughts and ideas that make up my depression are true-
They are always in connection to you
And that they will never change as long as I am with you.
I am done suffering for your love
Time to break free of you-
This depression that you keep me in to make me submissive
So that I can know what it means to be loved...
Loved in the right way-

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Pondering...

As I sit back here and ponder how different life is
I ask myself how was I able to turn my life around
Why was I the one chosen few to be able to come back from oblivion?
From being in my own personal hell on earth to such happiness for life?
Was it god that heard my frantic cries?
Or was it the spirit of my ancestors that passed before me telling me that all would be well?
I wonder how I allowed myself to become broken and used
A mere shadow compared to what I had the potential to be?
Still do not know how I let someone extinguish my flame and control me into nothing
Back then was I so naive and starved for love that I was willing to do anything to feel loved
Was it imprinted on me so much that I put myself in a false sense of security
Or was this experience merely a life lesson that I had to go through
In order to get to who I have always been and chose to ignore it?
Ignoring the fact that I have always been on my own?
Having taken care of myself letting no one tell me what I can or cannot do
These thoughts jumble my brain as a recurring nightmare of a past life -
1 I chose to repress
Like the phoenix I have risen from my own ashes
Been reborn into the person that I truly am
Letting my flame shine with an eternal fire that no one can put out.

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Pedestal...

People stand me on a pedestal
Watching me to see if I can remain still
I’m not perfect and I don’t choose to be
Unfortunately that’s not what people choose to see
People stare at me in wonder
Trying to see if I make a blunder
But no as always somebody’s forever watching me
Because I’m the person that they strive to be
People stand me on a pedestal
Trying not to look down or fall
But what people don’t see is that I hurt inside
Partly because I don’t show my venerable side
Hurt and disappointment are my nearest friends
And they’ll always be there in the end
Funny how I get along with discord and mayhem
And how they go so well hand in hand
Well, I’ve fallen off the column which you have so put me on
So your view of me as a role model should be gone
But alas my pedestal only grows even more
Making my arms and legs painfully sore
Please leave me to wallow in my own sadness alone
These are the times that I wish that I had a clone
My joints hurt from holding my motionless pose
Yet you marvel and admire me at how I can keep such repose

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

What is PURCYNNE: Poetry?

Many people have asked me:

What PURCYNNE: POETRY is... and why is it different from the labels POEM, POETRY?


Here is the best explanation that I can give to you:

PURCYNNE: Poetry are like my journal entries of my life. They reflect the raw emotion that is my life and how life experiences/ situations affected me at the time that they occurred. The poetry contained as a purcynne: poetry are intensely personal and are sometimes even hard for me to read after I have typed them. They cover a wide range of topics just like my emotional spectrum of feelings do. I write poems to express most of my feelings; cause often times I do not have anyone to tell these things to. It is rare that you ever see me write a poem with a pen and paper. My method is to type them out on the computer where I can just create them; not worrying about spell check. I do that at the end later. I think as fast as I can type so it is actually easier for me to type then write.

The name itself is Purely Cynnefull put together to make "person." I am a pure writer by nature and was lucky enough to have an English teacher that opened up my mind to Natalie Goldberg's book- Wild Mind: Living the writer's life. This book helped me to write my first thought and that is why my poetry can be felt with such an emotional impact.

It was a big deal for me to share these poems with others due to how close they hit home for me. But I thought to myself, "Maybe these poems could be of some use to others..." That gave me the courage to share them with the readers of Cynnefull Gardens.

They are still poems and poetry but the are my life story and that is why it gets it's own label.

Why haven't I written my own book of poetry yet?

Honestly, I wouldn't know how to organize them into a book. They are all saved on my hard drive and begging for me to put them into a book but there are so many that it is overwhelming to figure out how to make them fit cohesively into a book.

Another thing is that I am constantly creating poems and would feel horrible if I published a book that was missing an essential poem that I wrote after the fact. I tend to do that a lot with my poetry. Some of these poems are such that I would have to explain where they came from and the why... which I have not done for the majority of my poetry works.

Some of my works have been on poetry.com but other than that... I keep them to myself till now.

Transformation of My Selves

At the moment of birth
My destiny was to be Air
The universe saw to it that I shall be the air sign of Gemini;
Mercurial in nature;
Invisible,
Intangible
Barely heard;
Never seen.
Everywhere yet no where;
But always there just out of your reach.
Light breezes, slightly warm and gentile air
Staying to the sky,watching from afar.
Watching what was going on and actively not participating more than I had to.
My head was in the clouds,
Daydreaming my life away.
Not caring, not worrying;
Just floating along like the leaf in the wind.
There was the occasional harsh wind,
Cold wind, relentlessly hot wind for brief moments
Then drastically change to calm and serene.

After experiencing loss of a loved one;
My All in the world.
I sought higher ground
Away from people,
Hurtful things and feelings that could affect me
I let the sun's rays engulf me and I became transformed into fire...
I am white hot heat.
I am white burning light
I am the sun; not just any fire,
I had to become as heated as the sun
I denied my grief;
Becoming more keen on my self than others
I turned to my anger to get me through this ordeal.
It made me focused,
Determined, and very beautifully dangerous...
All logic that was full of passion,
Seduction and ego
Too trusting of my friends that led to my demise
To my flame being extinguished forever

Due to "3 friends" selfishly blind jealousy
Envy that ended up in the raping of my innocence.
Leaving me in a complete and utter darkness that I had not known before.
I was now red heat...
I was a fiery rage...
I was a Phoenix that has now become darkened...
A darker and deeper shade of red...
A new set of pain,
Horror,
Trauma that this place within my heart had not seen before
I knew what suffering was now,
An anger that was so great that I knew what rage felt like.
Overwhelming rage and loss of control...
Screaming at the top of my lungs "why me?"
"Why was I the chosen one?"
"To bear all of these gifts that were bestowed upon me?"
"Why was my life ruined just for 3 hours of defilement??
So they could feel satisfaction in between my thighs??"
It destroyed me thoroughly...
The idea that my closest friends would lust for me in that way.

I gave into the coldness that my heart was feeling,
Turning from rage into the ice blizzards that become menacing within seconds.
I was known as the Ice Queen in every way shape and form...
Numb to everyone and everything.
Those 3 hours still remaining as a part of my psyche.
There had to be more than just this coldness within my shattered heart
There had to be more to me than just ice...

Water.
Within the ice is water
Water that hasn't be moved emotionally in God knows how long
That needs to be warmed up again
Reminded how to be warmed up again...
Slowly but surely the ice will melt and give way to what I really am...
The biggest water there is on Earth now.

The ocean.
The sea.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotion.
I cannot be denied but only consoled by my mother the moon
She keeps me in check;
Providing the rhythm that keeps me from going out of control.
I have many depths,
Many colors,
No one will know what color blue I will pretend to be
You do not know me;
Nor would you ever take the time to see;
That there is more to me that meets the eye
Something that makes me hauntingly familiar yet mysterious in so many ways
I am unpredictable,
Chaotic,
Witholding massive internal storms from unleashing
But you would never see that from the outside...
I hide it too well
My waters are calm, and clear like that of a Bahamian beach
Enjoying this paradise like it was intended on the surface
If you go a little deeper,
Coming out of the shallow end you will see that the water gets a shade darker,
The water gets a little colder,
The footing begins to get unsure...
Stay away from me if you are afraid to drown
I am necessary yet abused,
Mistreated,
Polluted and taken for granted
My relaxing blues turn into pitch black abysses underneath it all...
I make my own colors like the bio luminescent fish that live deep within me...
Can your emotions match mine?
I am alone with my mother,
Knowing the incredible strength that I posses yet do not know how to use it.
Waiting in vain for someone to try to understand
What no one else wanted to see
Like sleeping beauty slumbering till she found her prince...
Learning the hard way that no one was strong enough to accept all of me...

What was left of the blue faded away,
To the deepest black that I had ever been to within me.
My only company were things that I couldn't see,
That I could only feel...
And when I thought that I couldn't get any deeper
I realized that there were no bounds...
I was going to keep on getting deeper and deeper
Till I felt the whole range of black and what that entailed.
It felt like forever,
Falling into the blackness,
Getting used to the black abyss that was me
Understanding the black and learning what it had to teach me...
To the point of where it became a comfort

Then I hit what felt like dirt...
Soft squishy mud that cushioned my fall.
My mother the moon didn't save me, but my father did
It was him that heard my heartfelt wish and manifested it into reality
Because he couldn't handle me being so dark.
Then I was saved by the one thing that I had never thought could save me...
A strong male's reciprocated love.
The one thing that I had given up on for obvious reasons was my only savior.
A pure,
Sincere and genuine love that was spiritual,
Physical and mental.
The strength that I needed wasn't found in other Water,
Fire,
Air or any combination that those 3 that I was suppose to be turned into...

They were too controlling,
Dominating,
And deceitful.
Thinking that love was just some game they didn't want to loose at...

What about Earth??
It could be strong enough to hold me
But would it be flexible enough to deal with me?
Can the Earth get as deep as I can?
Feel the heat as I do?
Would the Earth even want to?
Most importantly would he understand me?
My father was right...
The earth was strong enough to hold me...
Strict but fair,
Harsh but in a loving manner,
Hating you because they love you so damn much...
The Earth could take care of me,
Provide me a place to be myself
To be what he needs me to be to help complete him...
I found something to ground myself to.
To remind myself that no matter how deep or wide I can become
I have a safety net that will protect me
I have found my home.
Nothing seems to get underneath my skin because I just retreat into the earth
Into our beautiful cave of clear blue water with stalagmites and stalactites
Where no one can reach us...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

On a personal note:

This was one of the most difficult poems that I had ever written...partly because it touches on so many of my negative experiences within my life. Wasn't sure if I was ready to share this poem with the world but Cynnefull Gardens is where I can put all of my emotions out for everyone to see without judgement. I have other poems that go over each negative experience separately but this one made me cringe the most to see where I started from in life and where I had ended up at certain parts of my life. It was my Nana who died- I was 13 years old and coincidentally she passed on my mother in law's birth date. (March 31st)

The rape occurred when I was 18, and about to start college. Since it was 3 of my friends whom I knew for over 6 years that one left a scar... in a lot a of different ways. I left out how my father passed away the day after my 19th birthday... it was just too much for me to add to list of what this poem entails. As an air sign I was never fully prepared for feeling as much as I have over the course of my life. It is a misnomer to think that Geminis cannot feel; they feel so much that it hurts them and they try not to feel by remaining neutral on the outside. Not allowing themselves the time to dwell on how they should be reacting to what just happened and using rationalization to cope. I on the other hand am a "12th house Gemini" so my emotional capacity is that of an ocean... look into my eyes and you will understand.

Each transition or transformation that I had to make within the poem is genuine. I have dealt with many things both good and bad within my life and I still have a lot of long years ahead of me. Transformation of My Selves is my life in a nutshell up until 3 years ago- by using the elements I was able to describe how each phase felt like within me. This poem could have been much longer but I felt that it was long enough as is. Jeff, my love, is an Earth sign- Virgo. We amazingly complete each other because he is Earth and Fire while I am Air and Water. We cancel each other out or compliment one another depending on our mood.

Eyes Refocused...

Something is different...
Waves of clarity have finally found their way inside of me
The blurriness of life is coming into focus
As if I am waking from a dream...
I look around me and the sharpness of life has hit me
Suddenly I realize that nothing is what it appears to be
The facade of everything has seemed to vanish;
I now see what was hidden from my sight.
Enlightenment has graced me with it's presence
Embraced me within its arms of truth.
This life is merely an illusion
My heart is now broken with the pain that the naivety of life has left me
Now my eyes have turned to mirrors
Reflecting a person that I do not recognize;
One that is filled with self- awareness and love

The friends that I thought were there for me
Never were there to begin with;
Just living in denial because they were using me.
I don't have the same feelings about the things that I used to hold dear;
Cause now I know that they weren't.
Just haunted memories of a time when I was happy...
Understanding that I am much stronger than people give me credit for
Cause they choose to see my kindness as weakness
Just because I happen to be a delicate female...

My eyes are open for what feels like the first time
Refocused to what they were intended originally to see-
The things that people hide within.
Seeing past the persona that is the lie.
Perceiving my reality as what it truly is-
Revealing to the other what they fear within them.
Seeing the bigger scope of what needs to be done-
To shift all of the evilness within to be of the light
Focusing on just how deep all of the hatred goes within one's self
Empathising with all of the darkened souls that cannot see the light
Who cannot feel it or touch it within their souls
Letting them know that it is okay to feel loved.

Thinking to myself how to bring about this change...
Through one person reaching out to others through love
Extending a helping hand out to those who search for something that they can't explain.
Aiding to reach them with the language of music;
A universal wave of love that can bring us together
Unite us all under one universal consciousness
So that we can all see what can be accomplished by self love
So that they know that they are not alone
That others feel their pain,
Sorrow,
Anger,
Anguish so that they can feel cared for by loving them self

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

True Nature

My world has turned upside down,
The people that I knew to be good aren't.
Now that I have no money,
Their true nature has shown through.
It's funny how people only care when when you have something they want.
Or that you are paying them to care...
But when you honestly ask for help
Because you do not know what to do
All they can say is "sorry, but you still owe me $$$"
They do not care that they are taking all of the money you have.
Not understanding what their ripple is causing.
It's all about getting theirs...
No matter what the cost.
Business is business...
Now that I have nothing monetary,
No one stuck around.
No one is understanding...
Cause the hardest lesson of all is that they never cared.
Since there is nothing to use me for I am expendable and cast aside.
All they wanted was my money first and foremost.
I was too naive to understand that till now.
Trusted too easily in the people that I respected.
That they would be fair given this economic struggle...
But business has no humanistic tendencies
And a person who is spiritual shouldn't have selfishness
I fell into the trap of trusting a Spiritual businessman;
Who's first and foremost reaction is to get his money
No matter what the cost to the person he's getting it from.

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Dark Lilly's Hunger

Dark Lilly's Hunger
©Purely Cynnefull Designs

My friend Lilly saw my picture of Hunger and she asked to use it in her myspace page. I found some flame lettering to write, "The darkest Lilly of them all..." to go with her screen name. She was so excited that she let me write her "about me" section. In case you were wondering what it says but hate dealing with myspace to see it:

It seems that no matter what I have it is always raped from me due to love's dark side: jealousy, envy and trust issues. Since I was abandoned by the ones who said that they cared about me, I have turned my back on them and on the things that I have held dear up until now. My heart has grown dark cold like black ice. My body has turned to steel with layers and layers of armor. My birthright made me a late spring now life has made me into a dark cold winter. Like the vampire I am the walking living dead that isn't welcome in the light of day. I have retreated into the darkness and to the protection that the mother moon gives me. For she is my safety; the only one that truly understands what my heart hides deep within it... The darkness that is within me keeps growing every day. I try not to let it show through but it is seeping through my skin like cancer.I hold my breath waiting for the moment to reveal that which I keep secret. Waiting in the mere hope that The Creator will answer the heartfelt pleas that I have silently kept at bay for all my life. I have no happy thoughts, just fleeting thoughts of things that will never come to be...No happy or ever pleasant things to recall in my time of need...now I am shattered and beyond repair playing dead so that I do not have to live. My whole entire being screams out loud without words for the strength to put me back together again. I've done all that I can to keep all of the rage bottled up but there is no more room left for it to hide. The rage that has been my confidante has finally begun to have its way within me. What was never light has lost its self in the darkest abyss of my psyche where all of my horrors reside... The transformation has already begun. What was the old Lilly is no more; all that remains is the beauty forged out of the night. Blessed by darkness I have become the darkest Lilly of them all...

-©Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Emerald Green Jungle

Treading through the emerald green jungle
I hear life calling to me from all directions.
Which way shall I go?
Which path should I take?
No clues to help me.
Merely relying on my intuition,
Hoping that it will guide me to my calling.
Stepping one foot in front of the other
Clearing debris and branches out of my way
Feeling like I am barely denting the jungle that is myself
Going nowhere on this expedition of life experience.
I look up to the sun
With a smile on my face
To renew my energy for the long trek ahead
I hear life calling me from all directions
Treading through this emerald green jungle
That is my life...

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Haunting Memories of Yesteryear

I thought I saw you out of the corner of my eye.
Smiling your usual half smirk at me.
Letting me know that everything is okay.
For a moment my heart burst into tears
Of happiness and joy...
Feeling a sudden warmth of my skin
Like the sun kissing it for the first time...
My eyes glistened trying to hold back the tears
Asking myself, "Was that really you?"
My head turned completely,
Hoping that my eyes weren't deceiving me.
You weren't there.
My heart sunk into sadness once more.
You've been gone for over 2 painful years now
Since that drunk driver ran you over...
Yet I felt you were just here in this room with me.
Smiling your usual smirk at me.
Letting me know that everything is okay...

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Breakdown

Emotional Ocean

©Purely Cynnefull Designs

Breakdown

Happiness and smiles are all that you’ll see from me
Cause that’s all I want you to see
There’s not enough time to be sad angry or upset
When everyone expects you to be happy 24/7
I lock these feelings away deep inside of me
A place that call my emotional sphere
Where my emotional ocean is
Every time these feelings appear
They go to the ocean
Where it is calm and relaxing
But it’s always calm before the storm
Too many emotions
not enough time to sort them out
not enough time to deal and cope
my waters were clear
but now they are dark
filling up with hatred and resentment
sadness and insecurity
my sea is becoming unstable
not able to handle what I need it to do to stay sane
the waves are lashing out at the sphere
trying to puncture it and be free
the emotions are churning
rippling and plotting against me
they want release
they want out so I have to face them
stop ignoring them
to let them be free
moment by moment my ocean gets darker
facilitating the storm that will surely come
coldness has started to become an unbearable friend
helping to add more negativity to my emotions
the ocean has no bottom
it just goes on forever
waves are getting bigger
they are pulling the sphere into all directions
thunder has made it’s way into the struggle
bringing along it’s cohort lighting
I don’t know how long my sphere can take much more of this
But it has to endure so I can stay in control
So no one knows that something’s wrong
The abyss is pulling my emotions further into despair
I can feel the storm is near
It’s coming
I see it off of the horizon
I’m dangerously close to a nervous breakdown
The void that I tried so hard to avoid
This can’t be happening
Not this not now
The world of chaos is right in front of my face
Like the devil calling me to join
I can’t stay afloat any more
My arms are too sore to keep treading through these emotions
They are swelling
Dragging me under with them
Making me feel what I have done to them
I can’t breathe
My body’s struggling to fight to stay alive
My head is spinning
The noise is deafening my ears
Everything around me is slowly turning black
The water is making me numb
I’ve come to the point of no return
My spirit is defeated
No will at all
The emotions have taken over
Logic and reason are forever lost
All is black now
All sanity is lost
Depression has set in


© 2008 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay