I Am the Love Within Me

Light and love enfold me,

Surround me, Protect me.

Moving through me as pure energy.

Fueling everything in this universe.

I open myself like the flower blooming for the sun,

Becoming the bliss that fills my heart.

Like a spiritual being trying to break free,
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...
Shining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...
I am the love within me.

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

There was a Time...

There was a time that I would have done anything for you;
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…

I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command

And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you

I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.

All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…

Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…

But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

Something that will Never be...

I forgot how enticing your voice can be,
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…

I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…

This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;

You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner

Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…

I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world

But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.

Reminding me of something that will never be...

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

No Sympathy for the Devil...

Your voice is so haunting;
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears

For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again

All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own

A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control

Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;

No sympathy for the devil tonight…

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved

Before the Dawn Comes...

Enjoying the darkness and the silence that the hours before dawn brings.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.

The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...

In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...

Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.

Garden Cottage

Garden Cottage

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All rights reserved

This is my second attempt at using my photoshop program... Garden Cottage is a blending of many pictures that I took from the Lake Shrine in Pacific Palasades, Ca.

CPD-Looks Can Be Deceiving...

CPD-Releasing the Genie

Cynnefully Poetic-Breakdown

Butterfly Wings...

Butterfly Wings

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

This is one of those pieces of artwork that I just pulled from everything that I could think of that I wanted in the picture and then scaled back to produce Butterfly Wings. Not quite sure why the blue is in there... this was originally going to be purple and black color scheme but it looked cooler with them there.

Little Worlds...

Little Worlds

©2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Bubbles are happy things... I wanted to create a picture that used bubbles and happy things. Rainbows, multi colored bubbles, nature and some fairy elements are incorporated within most of the bubbles.

Widowed Lies...

Widowed Lies

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Purple is a beautiful color and I realized that I needed a design that incorporated it more than just a splash here and there. Weird random thoughts kept popping in to my head... the one that stuck was the words: "Little girls are made up of sugar, spice and everything nice..." So the picture began to take on more feminine attributes to reflect this quote. Having different types of various females exuding different personas of the female made sense to me. The blue galaxy is the focal point to bring you into the picture so that you take in the message as a whole; not in the sum of the pieces within the picture put together. At the end I was trying to come up with the title of the design [I never name it first without seeing the finished product... even when doing them for my poems] the ending theme song from The Fifth Element" popped into my head. The song was called "Little Light of Love" by RXRA and when I heard the line 'little light' my mind changed it into Widowed Lies...

Ice Queen...

Ice Queen

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Ice Queen is an emotional piece with a mixture of white ice, snow and blues. At one point in my life I was an extremely cold and cruel person. My whole world had ended when my Nana died; she took with her all of my May day happiness and this summer knew what it had meant to become winter. It reminded me of the Greek myth of Persephone and why we have the seasons... Demeter's dying every time her daughter would go to the underworld causing the changes of the seasons. In this case the season being my life. Some of the ice is smooth likened to my expression back then; I was too numb to pay attention to anyone or thing. Icicles were my pointy daggers that I would throw to people who commented on how cold-hearted I had become. My body was covered in sheets of ice and was used as an armor towards the outside world. Soon I was dubbed, "The Ice Queen" or "The Icy Bitch." Winter was permanent for me; my heart locked away in a very cold and intolerable place. Depression soon set in and nothing mattered much in those days... that is why the color chosen was for the "blues."

Mysty...

Mysty

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

The Ocean and Icebergs were always a point of interest to me... under the fullness of the moon the ocean ebbs and flows like a metronome counting out the precise rhythm of life. That visual picture in my head was the one that sparked this design to be made. Mysty is one of my more subtle pieces of artwork that involves very few layers but gives the desired effect the way that I had it intended. The iceberg int this picture was meant more to look like mist [myst] so that it took its own shape and form within the picture. Adding the hint of the Japanese cherry blossom tree in the top left corner really gave the picture a feeling of land in the background... but there isn't; the blossoms come out of nowhere and meet with the mist out of the clear midnight blue sky. It has been said that the ocean is like that of a woman so I incorporated that aspect within Mysty... this design was also one of my myspace backgrounds as well.

Emmeralde

Emmeralde

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Green is the closest color that my energy vibrates to... sometimes a mixture of blues and yellows but for the most part its emerald green for it vibrance. I wanted to create this ensemble of green colors together to show my blend of the energy with a hint of pink to represent the 4th charkra- the heart. Originally this was used as one of my own myspace backgrounds and that is why the "Property of Ashlee Lindsay" is not on there...

Life...

I've forgotten how to hear the lessons life is trying to teach me;
Lost the language capability to interpret what she says.
As a child I knew her voice very well;
Listened to her with all of my attentiveness.
But one day her voice became jumbled;
I couldn't decipher what she meant.
Life has forsaken me;
For I have fallen out of her grace.
Intuition tells me that I should be learning more than this;
That I am more than my difficult situations.
But the patterns keep on repeating;
One progressively worse than the other.
Cause I do not understand the tests that I'm given.
I believe that I might be failing at life;
More and more patterns are snowballing into one...

Life has placed a blindfold over my eyes;
Stuffed cotton into my once wide open ears.
Forcing me to learn the hardest way;
Cause I didn't get the subtler hints.
I know that life has patience with me;
So I should have it for myself.
Faith is the one thing that we both share;
Hoping that one day I'll hear her again.
But I can't help but wonder;
How much of this I did to myself.
By not paying attention;
Even though I am an eternal student of life...

In my heart I know that life will not beat me down;
Not more than I can handle.
For life made sure that I was strong enough to cope;
Perserverant enough to deal with her lessons.
For life has faith in me;
And faith does not waiver...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Poem for Keela Grey...

As you stare into her big gray-blue eyes,
Keela Grey is doing the same to you.
Investigating what is behind your gaze,
The intent within your eyes.
Once she is sure of you;
Her eyes begin to relax.
A wide mouthed smile emerges
As you hear her soul giggle.
If you are lucky,
She'll give you her cutesy smile and a wink.
To let you know that she adores you...

Constantly watching,
Learning,
Experiencing what life has to offer,
All from the comfort and safety of your hip.
Listening intently on the words that your mouth makes;
The sound that your voice carries.
Familiarizing the tone as "good" or "bad."
Memorizing what your face looks like,
To better know who you are,
And where you fit into her life...

A kind, and generous soul;
Whose impatience brought her here early;
Wanting out before her due date.
As impatient as her mother.
Surprising us all with her determination to be born
Spending a month in an incubator
With pictures of her mommy inside with her.
Spending time with loving mother that knows what she needs...

A little spiritual being that craves others vibrations
Who needs cathartic touch to be happy;
Another persons warmth to be content.
Someone who enjoys her family as close as they can be;
To make up for the time that she had plastic in between...

Keela Grey immediately warms your heart
As if she completely understands you.
Fully accepting of who she is around.
Looking at you with sheer curiosity,
As she sucks on her Binky
Dropping it out of her mouth to see if you are paying attention;
Giving you the jerk around if you're not...

Sweetly crying only when she is wet or hungry;
Just to let you know that things aren't alright.
As soon as her needs are met her huge smile returns
Like nothing ever happened.
She laughs and tries to talk to you
Mimicking the songs that you sing to her.
Raising and lowering her coos to show you that she's learning

Keela Grey is her very own person;
Even at several weeks old.
She's beginning to form her likes and dislikes-
All within a glance.
She'll give you the stink eye if you take her bottle away,
Or put her down to change.
Then bat her long lashes coyly
As if to say she's sorry...

Sleeping like an angel so close to your beating heart
Reaching out for your fingers,
Making sure that you're still there.
Popping her eyes open if she thinks that she's not held
Slowly closing them just in case you put her down...

Sleep away little Keela
So that you can dream and grow;
Know that you are safe and protected;
Surrounded by your family;
People who truly love you...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Gift of My Love...

Today, I give you the gift of my love...
The unconditional part of my inner being
So that you can remember what it feels like to be cared for.
Nurtured, and Loved.
This gift is given freely;
With no strings attached.
So that you may be able to heal
The wounds that cannot be healed.
My unconditional love is with you;
Even though we are far away-
So that one day you can be happy-
Without the fear of something bad occurring.
Cause you deserve happiness;
With that comes love...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Light and Dark

I wanted you to see me for who I am
Try to understand where I was coming from
Your insignificant generosity brings me to tears
I did everything that you ever asked of me
Still that wasn’t enough for you
Your cold selfish heart could never penetrate the things that I hold dear
The person that I thought you were turned into a hellish demon
Replacing love and kindness with deep seeded anger and resentment
My heaven with you turned to hell. . .
So hell is really paved with good intentions
I never asked you to be a better man for me; that pressure you put on yourself
Things could have been different, but then was it suppose to be?
You decided to turn to the darkness while I went to the light
My spark that I lent to you could not be seen
The goodness that rubbed off on you is no longer visible anymore
The evilness that is you prevails and I am free from your reign
I can walk in the light without fear of you pulling me back

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Fighting With the Ex...

My body is tired
I’ve lost my will to fight
Too many emotions have I gone through in this last night
My tear ducts are so puffy that I can’t see
Just because you chose to ignore me
I’m not the easiest to deal with
But what you tired to accomplish in your infinite wisdom produced a scar that will never heal
How can you sit there and say that “you’re teaching me a lesson”
One by the way I have been already taught,
Re-taught and learned not by you but by the others that came before,
By my own father and by my culture
You sit up on your high throne thinking that you have done nothing wrong
Go on living your life normally while I have suffered
Blowing off my calls because you have better things to do
Making me second to everything including a shower and video games to put me in check
I am not some animal that you can give cruel and unusual punishment to!
Especially when you know how fragile I am
Your menace in your eyes towards me
Your undeniably stone cold face in front of me
I sensed no emotion from you
My heart is weak and wounded
Since you can’t take the time out of your busy schedule to deal with me
Knowing that my depression will soon get the best of me
You have put me into my internal hell again
Something that I struggle with constantly from you
You brought me back here to a place I loathe
Making me think that this is where I belong
You just rejected me like all of the others did
Making me understand that love will never find me
I hoped that my long search was finally over
But alas, all I found was illusion
This is why I will forever choose not to love
To let myself be vulnerable in this way
You were my last hope in a dream that will be forever lost in me
My heart fells nothing anymore
All this because you couldn’t say that I was misplaced in my anger?
Because you didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Because you have more important things to deal with...
Your depressed girlfriend who you made this way?
Who just wanted to know why you wouldn’t return her phone calls?
Why you wouldn’t tell her a simple I’m sorry?
Games are never the answer
Just more problems that lead further from a resolution
You who I trusted, loved and confided into
Would have to resort to this childishness just to prove your point?
At the risk of destroying us forever?
I forgot you only think about yourself
You never think about the other people involved do you?
It never occurred to you what effect you would have over me
And yet somehow it still is all my fault that I suffered at your expense
Yet you’re the one who has no remorse and you call me the psycho bitch
Only further instilling in me that my thoughts and ideas that make up my depression are true-
They are always in connection to you
And that they will never change as long as I am with you.
I am done suffering for your love
Time to break free of you-
This depression that you keep me in to make me submissive
So that I can know what it means to be loved...
Loved in the right way-

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay