...And with a single phrase spoken from his lips
She was paralyzed;
The words that should have meant something special...
Didn't.
Those precious words came out hollow and empty;
Automatic sounding in tone as he carefully pronounced each syllable,
giving away the lie behind the meaning of every gesture he did towards her
3 simple words that are suppose to bring happiness
brought nothing but torment to her heart.
What he didn't realize was that she knew him better than he thought.
All those years standing silently by his side
Watching him;
Observing him
But most importantly listening to what he said.
Hearing the tonal inflections
Watching his body language as he said it
She studied him...
Figured out how to know the difference between his truths,
his lies and the tells that give him away.
So she didn't say those words back to him.
oh no
She just gave him a look and said
"Next time mean it when you say I LOVE YOU
I can always spot your lies...
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
Showing posts with label poetry. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I Am the Love Within Me
Light and love enfold me,
Surround me, Protect me.
Moving through me as pure energy.
Fueling everything in this universe.
I open myself like the flower blooming for the sun,
Becoming the bliss that fills my heart.
Like a spiritual being trying to break free,
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...
Shining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...
I am the love within me.
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...
Shining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...
I am the love within me.
Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Swords
Swords (2nd version of Please Stop…
You’re hurting me)
By: Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 1/9/13
My love is a single edged
sword
Created to protect
To keep safe that which is
held dear
To serve the person who
wields it obediently
Without harm
Always
Without harm unless
betrayed.
Being something to rely on
To trust and depend upon
by the person who holds it
An instrument used to pledge
your loyalty
Allegiance
Your life, to the one that
you love
Or death to the one whom
betrays…
It is likened to a double
edged sword
One edge that feels my
warmth and love
Reciprocating that which I
give to you
Yet the other edge is a
darker one
An edge that causes pain
Reflected upon and within
every movement
Every gesture
Every word as if it’s
ingrained in you
Carefully aimed straight
at my heart
Waiting to strike
Poised to strike
And repeating to strike
till there is nothing left of my heart
My love for you
Tturning it into a
deepening betrayal
That keeps bleeding out
pain
You have overstepped your
reach
Now this single edged sword
that once loved you
Protected you
Who refused to harm you
(Even if that meant her own
death)
Has risen up against you
In order to save what
little of herself that she can
Patiently defending
herself from your vicious attacks
Waiting for the perfect
moment to strike
That which is killing her
from the inside
Waiting for you to see the
tears
That her heart has been
crying out
Because single edged
swords were created to protect the ones they love…
But betrayal is punishable
by death.
And you have betrayed that
which she holds dear…
Found it!
And with a quick lunge of
her sword his chest was pierced
Adding pressure her sword
slowly passed thru the ribcage
with tears in her eyes
made contact with his heart
Then out threw his back
She slowly twisted her
sword upward
Making the slit a complete
circle
And as the blood drained
out of his heart
Her face reflected that
which she felt-
A smile of satisfaction
with tears of joy.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
There was a Time...
There was a time that I would have done anything for you;
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…
I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command
And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you
I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.
All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…
Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…
But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.
Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…
I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command
And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you
I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.
All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…
Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…
But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.
Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.
Something that will Never be...
I forgot how enticing your voice can be,
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…
I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…
This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;
You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner
Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…
I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world
But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.
Reminding me of something that will never be...
Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…
I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…
This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;
You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner
Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…
I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world
But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.
Reminding me of something that will never be...
Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.
No Sympathy for the Devil...
Your voice is so haunting;
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears
For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again
All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own
A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control
Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;
No sympathy for the devil tonight…
Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears
For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again
All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own
A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control
Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;
No sympathy for the devil tonight…
Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved
Monday, December 21, 2009
Before the Dawn Comes...
Enjoying the darkness and the silence that the hours before dawn brings.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.
The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...
In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...
Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.
The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...
In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...
Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Life...
I've forgotten how to hear the lessons life is trying to teach me;
Lost the language capability to interpret what she says.
As a child I knew her voice very well;
Listened to her with all of my attentiveness.
But one day her voice became jumbled;
I couldn't decipher what she meant.
Life has forsaken me;
For I have fallen out of her grace.
Intuition tells me that I should be learning more than this;
That I am more than my difficult situations.
But the patterns keep on repeating;
One progressively worse than the other.
Cause I do not understand the tests that I'm given.
I believe that I might be failing at life;
More and more patterns are snowballing into one...
Life has placed a blindfold over my eyes;
Stuffed cotton into my once wide open ears.
Forcing me to learn the hardest way;
Cause I didn't get the subtler hints.
I know that life has patience with me;
So I should have it for myself.
Faith is the one thing that we both share;
Hoping that one day I'll hear her again.
But I can't help but wonder;
How much of this I did to myself.
By not paying attention;
Even though I am an eternal student of life...
In my heart I know that life will not beat me down;
Not more than I can handle.
For life made sure that I was strong enough to cope;
Perserverant enough to deal with her lessons.
For life has faith in me;
And faith does not waiver...
Lost the language capability to interpret what she says.
As a child I knew her voice very well;
Listened to her with all of my attentiveness.
But one day her voice became jumbled;
I couldn't decipher what she meant.
Life has forsaken me;
For I have fallen out of her grace.
Intuition tells me that I should be learning more than this;
That I am more than my difficult situations.
But the patterns keep on repeating;
One progressively worse than the other.
Cause I do not understand the tests that I'm given.
I believe that I might be failing at life;
More and more patterns are snowballing into one...
Life has placed a blindfold over my eyes;
Stuffed cotton into my once wide open ears.
Forcing me to learn the hardest way;
Cause I didn't get the subtler hints.
I know that life has patience with me;
So I should have it for myself.
Faith is the one thing that we both share;
Hoping that one day I'll hear her again.
But I can't help but wonder;
How much of this I did to myself.
By not paying attention;
Even though I am an eternal student of life...
In my heart I know that life will not beat me down;
Not more than I can handle.
For life made sure that I was strong enough to cope;
Perserverant enough to deal with her lessons.
For life has faith in me;
And faith does not waiver...
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Poem for Keela Grey...
As you stare into her big gray-blue eyes,
Keela Grey is doing the same to you.
Investigating what is behind your gaze,
The intent within your eyes.
Once she is sure of you;
Her eyes begin to relax.
A wide mouthed smile emerges
As you hear her soul giggle.
If you are lucky,
She'll give you her cutesy smile and a wink.
To let you know that she adores you...
Constantly watching,
Learning,
Experiencing what life has to offer,
All from the comfort and safety of your hip.
Listening intently on the words that your mouth makes;
The sound that your voice carries.
Familiarizing the tone as "good" or "bad."
Memorizing what your face looks like,
To better know who you are,
And where you fit into her life...
A kind, and generous soul;
Whose impatience brought her here early;
Wanting out before her due date.
As impatient as her mother.
Surprising us all with her determination to be born
Spending a month in an incubator
With pictures of her mommy inside with her.
Spending time with loving mother that knows what she needs...
A little spiritual being that craves others vibrations
Who needs cathartic touch to be happy;
Another persons warmth to be content.
Someone who enjoys her family as close as they can be;
To make up for the time that she had plastic in between...
Keela Grey immediately warms your heart
As if she completely understands you.
Fully accepting of who she is around.
Looking at you with sheer curiosity,
As she sucks on her Binky
Dropping it out of her mouth to see if you are paying attention;
Giving you the jerk around if you're not...
Sweetly crying only when she is wet or hungry;
Just to let you know that things aren't alright.
As soon as her needs are met her huge smile returns
Like nothing ever happened.
She laughs and tries to talk to you
Mimicking the songs that you sing to her.
Raising and lowering her coos to show you that she's learning
Keela Grey is her very own person;
Even at several weeks old.
She's beginning to form her likes and dislikes-
All within a glance.
She'll give you the stink eye if you take her bottle away,
Or put her down to change.
Then bat her long lashes coyly
As if to say she's sorry...
Sleeping like an angel so close to your beating heart
Reaching out for your fingers,
Making sure that you're still there.
Popping her eyes open if she thinks that she's not held
Slowly closing them just in case you put her down...
Sleep away little Keela
So that you can dream and grow;
Know that you are safe and protected;
Surrounded by your family;
People who truly love you...
Keela Grey is doing the same to you.
Investigating what is behind your gaze,
The intent within your eyes.
Once she is sure of you;
Her eyes begin to relax.
A wide mouthed smile emerges
As you hear her soul giggle.
If you are lucky,
She'll give you her cutesy smile and a wink.
To let you know that she adores you...
Constantly watching,
Learning,
Experiencing what life has to offer,
All from the comfort and safety of your hip.
Listening intently on the words that your mouth makes;
The sound that your voice carries.
Familiarizing the tone as "good" or "bad."
Memorizing what your face looks like,
To better know who you are,
And where you fit into her life...
A kind, and generous soul;
Whose impatience brought her here early;
Wanting out before her due date.
As impatient as her mother.
Surprising us all with her determination to be born
Spending a month in an incubator
With pictures of her mommy inside with her.
Spending time with loving mother that knows what she needs...
A little spiritual being that craves others vibrations
Who needs cathartic touch to be happy;
Another persons warmth to be content.
Someone who enjoys her family as close as they can be;
To make up for the time that she had plastic in between...
Keela Grey immediately warms your heart
As if she completely understands you.
Fully accepting of who she is around.
Looking at you with sheer curiosity,
As she sucks on her Binky
Dropping it out of her mouth to see if you are paying attention;
Giving you the jerk around if you're not...
Sweetly crying only when she is wet or hungry;
Just to let you know that things aren't alright.
As soon as her needs are met her huge smile returns
Like nothing ever happened.
She laughs and tries to talk to you
Mimicking the songs that you sing to her.
Raising and lowering her coos to show you that she's learning
Keela Grey is her very own person;
Even at several weeks old.
She's beginning to form her likes and dislikes-
All within a glance.
She'll give you the stink eye if you take her bottle away,
Or put her down to change.
Then bat her long lashes coyly
As if to say she's sorry...
Sleeping like an angel so close to your beating heart
Reaching out for your fingers,
Making sure that you're still there.
Popping her eyes open if she thinks that she's not held
Slowly closing them just in case you put her down...
Sleep away little Keela
So that you can dream and grow;
Know that you are safe and protected;
Surrounded by your family;
People who truly love you...
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Gift of My Love...
Today, I give you the gift of my love...
The unconditional part of my inner being
So that you can remember what it feels like to be cared for.
Nurtured, and Loved.
This gift is given freely;
With no strings attached.
So that you may be able to heal
The wounds that cannot be healed.
My unconditional love is with you;
Even though we are far away-
So that one day you can be happy-
Without the fear of something bad occurring.
Cause you deserve happiness;
With that comes love...
The unconditional part of my inner being
So that you can remember what it feels like to be cared for.
Nurtured, and Loved.
This gift is given freely;
With no strings attached.
So that you may be able to heal
The wounds that cannot be healed.
My unconditional love is with you;
Even though we are far away-
So that one day you can be happy-
Without the fear of something bad occurring.
Cause you deserve happiness;
With that comes love...
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Friday, March 6, 2009
Light and Dark
I wanted you to see me for who I am
Try to understand where I was coming from
Your insignificant generosity brings me to tears
I did everything that you ever asked of me
Still that wasn’t enough for you
Your cold selfish heart could never penetrate the things that I hold dear
The person that I thought you were turned into a hellish demon
Replacing love and kindness with deep seeded anger and resentment
My heaven with you turned to hell. . .
So hell is really paved with good intentions
I never asked you to be a better man for me; that pressure you put on yourself
Things could have been different, but then was it suppose to be?
You decided to turn to the darkness while I went to the light
My spark that I lent to you could not be seen
The goodness that rubbed off on you is no longer visible anymore
The evilness that is you prevails and I am free from your reign
I can walk in the light without fear of you pulling me back
Try to understand where I was coming from
Your insignificant generosity brings me to tears
I did everything that you ever asked of me
Still that wasn’t enough for you
Your cold selfish heart could never penetrate the things that I hold dear
The person that I thought you were turned into a hellish demon
Replacing love and kindness with deep seeded anger and resentment
My heaven with you turned to hell. . .
So hell is really paved with good intentions
I never asked you to be a better man for me; that pressure you put on yourself
Things could have been different, but then was it suppose to be?
You decided to turn to the darkness while I went to the light
My spark that I lent to you could not be seen
The goodness that rubbed off on you is no longer visible anymore
The evilness that is you prevails and I am free from your reign
I can walk in the light without fear of you pulling me back
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Fighting With the Ex...
My body is tired
I’ve lost my will to fight
Too many emotions have I gone through in this last night
My tear ducts are so puffy that I can’t see
Just because you chose to ignore me
I’m not the easiest to deal with
But what you tired to accomplish in your infinite wisdom produced a scar that will never heal
How can you sit there and say that “you’re teaching me a lesson”
One by the way I have been already taught,
Re-taught and learned not by you but by the others that came before,
By my own father and by my culture
You sit up on your high throne thinking that you have done nothing wrong
Go on living your life normally while I have suffered
Blowing off my calls because you have better things to do
Making me second to everything including a shower and video games to put me in check
I am not some animal that you can give cruel and unusual punishment to!
Especially when you know how fragile I am
Your menace in your eyes towards me
Your undeniably stone cold face in front of me
I sensed no emotion from you
My heart is weak and wounded
Since you can’t take the time out of your busy schedule to deal with me
Knowing that my depression will soon get the best of me
You have put me into my internal hell again
Something that I struggle with constantly from you
You brought me back here to a place I loathe
Making me think that this is where I belong
You just rejected me like all of the others did
Making me understand that love will never find me
I hoped that my long search was finally over
But alas, all I found was illusion
This is why I will forever choose not to love
To let myself be vulnerable in this way
You were my last hope in a dream that will be forever lost in me
My heart fells nothing anymore
All this because you couldn’t say that I was misplaced in my anger?
Because you didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Because you have more important things to deal with...
Your depressed girlfriend who you made this way?
Who just wanted to know why you wouldn’t return her phone calls?
Why you wouldn’t tell her a simple I’m sorry?
Games are never the answer
Just more problems that lead further from a resolution
You who I trusted, loved and confided into
Would have to resort to this childishness just to prove your point?
At the risk of destroying us forever?
I forgot you only think about yourself
You never think about the other people involved do you?
It never occurred to you what effect you would have over me
And yet somehow it still is all my fault that I suffered at your expense
Yet you’re the one who has no remorse and you call me the psycho bitch
Only further instilling in me that my thoughts and ideas that make up my depression are true-
They are always in connection to you
And that they will never change as long as I am with you.
I am done suffering for your love
Time to break free of you-
This depression that you keep me in to make me submissive
So that I can know what it means to be loved...
Loved in the right way-
I’ve lost my will to fight
Too many emotions have I gone through in this last night
My tear ducts are so puffy that I can’t see
Just because you chose to ignore me
I’m not the easiest to deal with
But what you tired to accomplish in your infinite wisdom produced a scar that will never heal
How can you sit there and say that “you’re teaching me a lesson”
One by the way I have been already taught,
Re-taught and learned not by you but by the others that came before,
By my own father and by my culture
You sit up on your high throne thinking that you have done nothing wrong
Go on living your life normally while I have suffered
Blowing off my calls because you have better things to do
Making me second to everything including a shower and video games to put me in check
I am not some animal that you can give cruel and unusual punishment to!
Especially when you know how fragile I am
Your menace in your eyes towards me
Your undeniably stone cold face in front of me
I sensed no emotion from you
My heart is weak and wounded
Since you can’t take the time out of your busy schedule to deal with me
Knowing that my depression will soon get the best of me
You have put me into my internal hell again
Something that I struggle with constantly from you
You brought me back here to a place I loathe
Making me think that this is where I belong
You just rejected me like all of the others did
Making me understand that love will never find me
I hoped that my long search was finally over
But alas, all I found was illusion
This is why I will forever choose not to love
To let myself be vulnerable in this way
You were my last hope in a dream that will be forever lost in me
My heart fells nothing anymore
All this because you couldn’t say that I was misplaced in my anger?
Because you didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Because you have more important things to deal with...
Your depressed girlfriend who you made this way?
Who just wanted to know why you wouldn’t return her phone calls?
Why you wouldn’t tell her a simple I’m sorry?
Games are never the answer
Just more problems that lead further from a resolution
You who I trusted, loved and confided into
Would have to resort to this childishness just to prove your point?
At the risk of destroying us forever?
I forgot you only think about yourself
You never think about the other people involved do you?
It never occurred to you what effect you would have over me
And yet somehow it still is all my fault that I suffered at your expense
Yet you’re the one who has no remorse and you call me the psycho bitch
Only further instilling in me that my thoughts and ideas that make up my depression are true-
They are always in connection to you
And that they will never change as long as I am with you.
I am done suffering for your love
Time to break free of you-
This depression that you keep me in to make me submissive
So that I can know what it means to be loved...
Loved in the right way-
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Pondering...
As I sit back here and ponder how different life is
I ask myself how was I able to turn my life around
Why was I the one chosen few to be able to come back from oblivion?
From being in my own personal hell on earth to such happiness for life?
Was it god that heard my frantic cries?
Or was it the spirit of my ancestors that passed before me telling me that all would be well?
I wonder how I allowed myself to become broken and used
A mere shadow compared to what I had the potential to be?
Still do not know how I let someone extinguish my flame and control me into nothing
Back then was I so naive and starved for love that I was willing to do anything to feel loved
Was it imprinted on me so much that I put myself in a false sense of security
Or was this experience merely a life lesson that I had to go through
In order to get to who I have always been and chose to ignore it?
Ignoring the fact that I have always been on my own?
Having taken care of myself letting no one tell me what I can or cannot do
These thoughts jumble my brain as a recurring nightmare of a past life -
1 I chose to repress
Like the phoenix I have risen from my own ashes
Been reborn into the person that I truly am
Letting my flame shine with an eternal fire that no one can put out.
I ask myself how was I able to turn my life around
Why was I the one chosen few to be able to come back from oblivion?
From being in my own personal hell on earth to such happiness for life?
Was it god that heard my frantic cries?
Or was it the spirit of my ancestors that passed before me telling me that all would be well?
I wonder how I allowed myself to become broken and used
A mere shadow compared to what I had the potential to be?
Still do not know how I let someone extinguish my flame and control me into nothing
Back then was I so naive and starved for love that I was willing to do anything to feel loved
Was it imprinted on me so much that I put myself in a false sense of security
Or was this experience merely a life lesson that I had to go through
In order to get to who I have always been and chose to ignore it?
Ignoring the fact that I have always been on my own?
Having taken care of myself letting no one tell me what I can or cannot do
These thoughts jumble my brain as a recurring nightmare of a past life -
1 I chose to repress
Like the phoenix I have risen from my own ashes
Been reborn into the person that I truly am
Letting my flame shine with an eternal fire that no one can put out.
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Music's Beat...
I want to get lost in the music’s beat
To let myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drum
Waiting for the release that’s about to come
The music invites my soul to show itself to it
Bending shaping and molding it into what it sees fit
Causing something in me to come alive
With a kind of sexy jive
My hips start to move in an erotic sway
With my body following the music all the way
Transforming into something I secretly am
And loving it because I don’t give a dam
Getting lost in the music’s beat
Letting myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drums
Waiting for the release that almost comes
The eyes of desire finally settle on my prey
Enticing him to wonder my way
As his hands slowly wrap around my stomach and hold me tight
I give into him and the hunger that I fight
Deliciously tempting him with the movements of my body
Making him think something that’s naughty
Pleasuring myself in him with our bodies intertwined dancing as one
This is where I begin to have my fun
To get caught up in the sultry beat
Giving off excessive heat
Becoming a seductress in the entrancing sound of the drums
Gladly accepting the release that comes
To let myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drum
Waiting for the release that’s about to come
The music invites my soul to show itself to it
Bending shaping and molding it into what it sees fit
Causing something in me to come alive
With a kind of sexy jive
My hips start to move in an erotic sway
With my body following the music all the way
Transforming into something I secretly am
And loving it because I don’t give a dam
Getting lost in the music’s beat
Letting myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drums
Waiting for the release that almost comes
The eyes of desire finally settle on my prey
Enticing him to wonder my way
As his hands slowly wrap around my stomach and hold me tight
I give into him and the hunger that I fight
Deliciously tempting him with the movements of my body
Making him think something that’s naughty
Pleasuring myself in him with our bodies intertwined dancing as one
This is where I begin to have my fun
To get caught up in the sultry beat
Giving off excessive heat
Becoming a seductress in the entrancing sound of the drums
Gladly accepting the release that comes
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Pedestal...
People stand me on a pedestal
Watching me to see if I can remain still
I’m not perfect and I don’t choose to be
Unfortunately that’s not what people choose to see
People stare at me in wonder
Trying to see if I make a blunder
But no as always somebody’s forever watching me
Because I’m the person that they strive to be
People stand me on a pedestal
Trying not to look down or fall
But what people don’t see is that I hurt inside
Partly because I don’t show my venerable side
Hurt and disappointment are my nearest friends
And they’ll always be there in the end
Funny how I get along with discord and mayhem
And how they go so well hand in hand
Well, I’ve fallen off the column which you have so put me on
So your view of me as a role model should be gone
But alas my pedestal only grows even more
Making my arms and legs painfully sore
Please leave me to wallow in my own sadness alone
These are the times that I wish that I had a clone
My joints hurt from holding my motionless pose
Yet you marvel and admire me at how I can keep such repose
Watching me to see if I can remain still
I’m not perfect and I don’t choose to be
Unfortunately that’s not what people choose to see
People stare at me in wonder
Trying to see if I make a blunder
But no as always somebody’s forever watching me
Because I’m the person that they strive to be
People stand me on a pedestal
Trying not to look down or fall
But what people don’t see is that I hurt inside
Partly because I don’t show my venerable side
Hurt and disappointment are my nearest friends
And they’ll always be there in the end
Funny how I get along with discord and mayhem
And how they go so well hand in hand
Well, I’ve fallen off the column which you have so put me on
So your view of me as a role model should be gone
But alas my pedestal only grows even more
Making my arms and legs painfully sore
Please leave me to wallow in my own sadness alone
These are the times that I wish that I had a clone
My joints hurt from holding my motionless pose
Yet you marvel and admire me at how I can keep such repose
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Love's Cruelty...
Tonight some girl's heart is breaking
Ripping into many pieces;
Tears of pain are flowing down their cheeks
Wondering what they did wrong.
Playing that last moment over in their heads
Sticking themselves into their own personal hell.
You're at home feeling relieved;
That you got rid of the excess baggage.
By breaking up with the person that you stringed along
You're free to do what ever you please
A smile comes over you
Cause now you are free...
Tonight some girl's heart has stopped pumping.
Cause the shock was too much for them.
They have gone numb from the experience
Getting closer to a catatonic state.
Soon the coldness will set in
And the bright soul will be lost.
You corrupted another innocent;
Taking away their distrust of you
Helping them to lower their guard down
So you could swoop in for the kill.
Now that you've had her,
Your conquest is complete...
Tonight some girl's heart has been reduced to ashes
Dried up from all of the rejections in their life.
Their once lively heart had turned arrid
Left with the bitterness that sour love has given them.
The heart is overtaken by depression
Loosing their will to live.
You cannot understand what the big deal is
It was fun while it lasted
Now that you have grown bored of her
Time to move on to someone bigger and better
Her eyes show that she cannot believe it
Shaking her head in disbelief...
She begs you not to end it
To give her another chance
You push her off of you
Saying a few choice words to make it clear
She says that she'll die with out you
You tell her to prove it...
Tonight that some girl's heart is no more...
The tears that once flowed have stopped.
Their soul is no longer tormented
By memories of their love that have been lost
Emotions that were once beautiful
Now reflect the awful truth...
That even though you loved her;
It wasn't in the right way.
You took her love for granted...
She took your words to heart.
Honoring your final request...
Now that she's dead what do you have to say?
Ripping into many pieces;
Tears of pain are flowing down their cheeks
Wondering what they did wrong.
Playing that last moment over in their heads
Sticking themselves into their own personal hell.
You're at home feeling relieved;
That you got rid of the excess baggage.
By breaking up with the person that you stringed along
You're free to do what ever you please
A smile comes over you
Cause now you are free...
Tonight some girl's heart has stopped pumping.
Cause the shock was too much for them.
They have gone numb from the experience
Getting closer to a catatonic state.
Soon the coldness will set in
And the bright soul will be lost.
You corrupted another innocent;
Taking away their distrust of you
Helping them to lower their guard down
So you could swoop in for the kill.
Now that you've had her,
Your conquest is complete...
Tonight some girl's heart has been reduced to ashes
Dried up from all of the rejections in their life.
Their once lively heart had turned arrid
Left with the bitterness that sour love has given them.
The heart is overtaken by depression
Loosing their will to live.
You cannot understand what the big deal is
It was fun while it lasted
Now that you have grown bored of her
Time to move on to someone bigger and better
Her eyes show that she cannot believe it
Shaking her head in disbelief...
She begs you not to end it
To give her another chance
You push her off of you
Saying a few choice words to make it clear
She says that she'll die with out you
You tell her to prove it...
Tonight that some girl's heart is no more...
The tears that once flowed have stopped.
Their soul is no longer tormented
By memories of their love that have been lost
Emotions that were once beautiful
Now reflect the awful truth...
That even though you loved her;
It wasn't in the right way.
You took her love for granted...
She took your words to heart.
Honoring your final request...
Now that she's dead what do you have to say?
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
Transformation of My Selves
At the moment of birth
My destiny was to be Air
The universe saw to it that I shall be the air sign of Gemini;
Mercurial in nature;
Invisible,
Intangible
Barely heard;
Never seen.
Everywhere yet no where;
But always there just out of your reach.
Light breezes, slightly warm and gentile air
Staying to the sky,watching from afar.
Watching what was going on and actively not participating more than I had to.
My head was in the clouds,
Daydreaming my life away.
Not caring, not worrying;
Just floating along like the leaf in the wind.
There was the occasional harsh wind,
Cold wind, relentlessly hot wind for brief moments
Then drastically change to calm and serene.
After experiencing loss of a loved one;
My All in the world.
I sought higher ground
Away from people,
Hurtful things and feelings that could affect me
I let the sun's rays engulf me and I became transformed into fire...
I am white hot heat.
I am white burning light
I am the sun; not just any fire,
I had to become as heated as the sun
I denied my grief;
Becoming more keen on my self than others
I turned to my anger to get me through this ordeal.
It made me focused,
Determined, and very beautifully dangerous...
All logic that was full of passion,
Seduction and ego
Too trusting of my friends that led to my demise
To my flame being extinguished forever
Due to "3 friends" selfishly blind jealousy
Envy that ended up in the raping of my innocence.
Leaving me in a complete and utter darkness that I had not known before.
I was now red heat...
I was a fiery rage...
I was a Phoenix that has now become darkened...
A darker and deeper shade of red...
A new set of pain,
Horror,
Trauma that this place within my heart had not seen before
I knew what suffering was now,
An anger that was so great that I knew what rage felt like.
Overwhelming rage and loss of control...
Screaming at the top of my lungs "why me?"
"Why was I the chosen one?"
"To bear all of these gifts that were bestowed upon me?"
"Why was my life ruined just for 3 hours of defilement??
So they could feel satisfaction in between my thighs??"
It destroyed me thoroughly...
The idea that my closest friends would lust for me in that way.
I gave into the coldness that my heart was feeling,
Turning from rage into the ice blizzards that become menacing within seconds.
I was known as the Ice Queen in every way shape and form...
Numb to everyone and everything.
Those 3 hours still remaining as a part of my psyche.
There had to be more than just this coldness within my shattered heart
There had to be more to me than just ice...
Water.
Within the ice is water
Water that hasn't be moved emotionally in God knows how long
That needs to be warmed up again
Reminded how to be warmed up again...
Slowly but surely the ice will melt and give way to what I really am...
The biggest water there is on Earth now.
The ocean.
The sea.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotion.
I cannot be denied but only consoled by my mother the moon
She keeps me in check;
Providing the rhythm that keeps me from going out of control.
I have many depths,
Many colors,
No one will know what color blue I will pretend to be
You do not know me;
Nor would you ever take the time to see;
That there is more to me that meets the eye
Something that makes me hauntingly familiar yet mysterious in so many ways
I am unpredictable,
Chaotic,
Witholding massive internal storms from unleashing
But you would never see that from the outside...
I hide it too well
My waters are calm, and clear like that of a Bahamian beach
Enjoying this paradise like it was intended on the surface
If you go a little deeper,
Coming out of the shallow end you will see that the water gets a shade darker,
The water gets a little colder,
The footing begins to get unsure...
Stay away from me if you are afraid to drown
I am necessary yet abused,
Mistreated,
Polluted and taken for granted
My relaxing blues turn into pitch black abysses underneath it all...
I make my own colors like the bio luminescent fish that live deep within me...
Can your emotions match mine?
I am alone with my mother,
Knowing the incredible strength that I posses yet do not know how to use it.
Waiting in vain for someone to try to understand
What no one else wanted to see
Like sleeping beauty slumbering till she found her prince...
Learning the hard way that no one was strong enough to accept all of me...
What was left of the blue faded away,
To the deepest black that I had ever been to within me.
My only company were things that I couldn't see,
That I could only feel...
And when I thought that I couldn't get any deeper
I realized that there were no bounds...
I was going to keep on getting deeper and deeper
Till I felt the whole range of black and what that entailed.
It felt like forever,
Falling into the blackness,
Getting used to the black abyss that was me
Understanding the black and learning what it had to teach me...
To the point of where it became a comfort
Then I hit what felt like dirt...
Soft squishy mud that cushioned my fall.
My mother the moon didn't save me, but my father did
It was him that heard my heartfelt wish and manifested it into reality
Because he couldn't handle me being so dark.
Then I was saved by the one thing that I had never thought could save me...
A strong male's reciprocated love.
The one thing that I had given up on for obvious reasons was my only savior.
A pure,
Sincere and genuine love that was spiritual,
Physical and mental.
The strength that I needed wasn't found in other Water,
Fire,
Air or any combination that those 3 that I was suppose to be turned into...
They were too controlling,
Dominating,
And deceitful.
Thinking that love was just some game they didn't want to loose at...
What about Earth??
It could be strong enough to hold me
But would it be flexible enough to deal with me?
Can the Earth get as deep as I can?
Feel the heat as I do?
Would the Earth even want to?
Most importantly would he understand me?
My father was right...
The earth was strong enough to hold me...
Strict but fair,
Harsh but in a loving manner,
Hating you because they love you so damn much...
The Earth could take care of me,
Provide me a place to be myself
To be what he needs me to be to help complete him...
I found something to ground myself to.
To remind myself that no matter how deep or wide I can become
I have a safety net that will protect me
I have found my home.
Nothing seems to get underneath my skin because I just retreat into the earth
Into our beautiful cave of clear blue water with stalagmites and stalactites
Where no one can reach us...
My destiny was to be Air
The universe saw to it that I shall be the air sign of Gemini;
Mercurial in nature;
Invisible,
Intangible
Barely heard;
Never seen.
Everywhere yet no where;
But always there just out of your reach.
Light breezes, slightly warm and gentile air
Staying to the sky,watching from afar.
Watching what was going on and actively not participating more than I had to.
My head was in the clouds,
Daydreaming my life away.
Not caring, not worrying;
Just floating along like the leaf in the wind.
There was the occasional harsh wind,
Cold wind, relentlessly hot wind for brief moments
Then drastically change to calm and serene.
After experiencing loss of a loved one;
My All in the world.
I sought higher ground
Away from people,
Hurtful things and feelings that could affect me
I let the sun's rays engulf me and I became transformed into fire...
I am white hot heat.
I am white burning light
I am the sun; not just any fire,
I had to become as heated as the sun
I denied my grief;
Becoming more keen on my self than others
I turned to my anger to get me through this ordeal.
It made me focused,
Determined, and very beautifully dangerous...
All logic that was full of passion,
Seduction and ego
Too trusting of my friends that led to my demise
To my flame being extinguished forever
Due to "3 friends" selfishly blind jealousy
Envy that ended up in the raping of my innocence.
Leaving me in a complete and utter darkness that I had not known before.
I was now red heat...
I was a fiery rage...
I was a Phoenix that has now become darkened...
A darker and deeper shade of red...
A new set of pain,
Horror,
Trauma that this place within my heart had not seen before
I knew what suffering was now,
An anger that was so great that I knew what rage felt like.
Overwhelming rage and loss of control...
Screaming at the top of my lungs "why me?"
"Why was I the chosen one?"
"To bear all of these gifts that were bestowed upon me?"
"Why was my life ruined just for 3 hours of defilement??
So they could feel satisfaction in between my thighs??"
It destroyed me thoroughly...
The idea that my closest friends would lust for me in that way.
I gave into the coldness that my heart was feeling,
Turning from rage into the ice blizzards that become menacing within seconds.
I was known as the Ice Queen in every way shape and form...
Numb to everyone and everything.
Those 3 hours still remaining as a part of my psyche.
There had to be more than just this coldness within my shattered heart
There had to be more to me than just ice...
Water.
Within the ice is water
Water that hasn't be moved emotionally in God knows how long
That needs to be warmed up again
Reminded how to be warmed up again...
Slowly but surely the ice will melt and give way to what I really am...
The biggest water there is on Earth now.
The ocean.
The sea.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotion.
I cannot be denied but only consoled by my mother the moon
She keeps me in check;
Providing the rhythm that keeps me from going out of control.
I have many depths,
Many colors,
No one will know what color blue I will pretend to be
You do not know me;
Nor would you ever take the time to see;
That there is more to me that meets the eye
Something that makes me hauntingly familiar yet mysterious in so many ways
I am unpredictable,
Chaotic,
Witholding massive internal storms from unleashing
But you would never see that from the outside...
I hide it too well
My waters are calm, and clear like that of a Bahamian beach
Enjoying this paradise like it was intended on the surface
If you go a little deeper,
Coming out of the shallow end you will see that the water gets a shade darker,
The water gets a little colder,
The footing begins to get unsure...
Stay away from me if you are afraid to drown
I am necessary yet abused,
Mistreated,
Polluted and taken for granted
My relaxing blues turn into pitch black abysses underneath it all...
I make my own colors like the bio luminescent fish that live deep within me...
Can your emotions match mine?
I am alone with my mother,
Knowing the incredible strength that I posses yet do not know how to use it.
Waiting in vain for someone to try to understand
What no one else wanted to see
Like sleeping beauty slumbering till she found her prince...
Learning the hard way that no one was strong enough to accept all of me...
What was left of the blue faded away,
To the deepest black that I had ever been to within me.
My only company were things that I couldn't see,
That I could only feel...
And when I thought that I couldn't get any deeper
I realized that there were no bounds...
I was going to keep on getting deeper and deeper
Till I felt the whole range of black and what that entailed.
It felt like forever,
Falling into the blackness,
Getting used to the black abyss that was me
Understanding the black and learning what it had to teach me...
To the point of where it became a comfort
Then I hit what felt like dirt...
Soft squishy mud that cushioned my fall.
My mother the moon didn't save me, but my father did
It was him that heard my heartfelt wish and manifested it into reality
Because he couldn't handle me being so dark.
Then I was saved by the one thing that I had never thought could save me...
A strong male's reciprocated love.
The one thing that I had given up on for obvious reasons was my only savior.
A pure,
Sincere and genuine love that was spiritual,
Physical and mental.
The strength that I needed wasn't found in other Water,
Fire,
Air or any combination that those 3 that I was suppose to be turned into...
They were too controlling,
Dominating,
And deceitful.
Thinking that love was just some game they didn't want to loose at...
What about Earth??
It could be strong enough to hold me
But would it be flexible enough to deal with me?
Can the Earth get as deep as I can?
Feel the heat as I do?
Would the Earth even want to?
Most importantly would he understand me?
My father was right...
The earth was strong enough to hold me...
Strict but fair,
Harsh but in a loving manner,
Hating you because they love you so damn much...
The Earth could take care of me,
Provide me a place to be myself
To be what he needs me to be to help complete him...
I found something to ground myself to.
To remind myself that no matter how deep or wide I can become
I have a safety net that will protect me
I have found my home.
Nothing seems to get underneath my skin because I just retreat into the earth
Into our beautiful cave of clear blue water with stalagmites and stalactites
Where no one can reach us...
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
On a personal note:
This was one of the most difficult poems that I had ever written...partly because it touches on so many of my negative experiences within my life. Wasn't sure if I was ready to share this poem with the world but Cynnefull Gardens is where I can put all of my emotions out for everyone to see without judgement. I have other poems that go over each negative experience separately but this one made me cringe the most to see where I started from in life and where I had ended up at certain parts of my life. It was my Nana who died- I was 13 years old and coincidentally she passed on my mother in law's birth date. (March 31st)
The rape occurred when I was 18, and about to start college. Since it was 3 of my friends whom I knew for over 6 years that one left a scar... in a lot a of different ways. I left out how my father passed away the day after my 19th birthday... it was just too much for me to add to list of what this poem entails. As an air sign I was never fully prepared for feeling as much as I have over the course of my life. It is a misnomer to think that Geminis cannot feel; they feel so much that it hurts them and they try not to feel by remaining neutral on the outside. Not allowing themselves the time to dwell on how they should be reacting to what just happened and using rationalization to cope. I on the other hand am a "12th house Gemini" so my emotional capacity is that of an ocean... look into my eyes and you will understand.
Each transition or transformation that I had to make within the poem is genuine. I have dealt with many things both good and bad within my life and I still have a lot of long years ahead of me. Transformation of My Selves is my life in a nutshell up until 3 years ago- by using the elements I was able to describe how each phase felt like within me. This poem could have been much longer but I felt that it was long enough as is. Jeff, my love, is an Earth sign- Virgo. We amazingly complete each other because he is Earth and Fire while I am Air and Water. We cancel each other out or compliment one another depending on our mood.
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