Life update...

The last two weeks have been very interesting... I find that the more I sit back and watch others from a distance the more universal truths are revealed. I'm not sure if this is because of all the meditating that I have been doing in this time period or it's the rededicating myself to astrology teachings that is the source of this. I'm feeling at odds with the world at the moment; that the things that I want and value for myself are not what the world wants me to be or have. I do not do what this world wants me to do or what others want me to do; I follow higher laws than that of man... I guess this means that I am doing something right!

 

Not only that I am feeling at odds with the people whom I care deeply about. Recent friend interactions have left me with a sense of feeling like an inconvenience; or that I'm not as important to them as they lead me to believe. One in particular has made me feel like our friendship only exists on their terms which is socially in groups or restricted to an intellectual basis. Looking at this friendship has shown me that most of our interactions are shallow at best masked in superficial concern and care. Because of my need to be accepted by my peers for the person that I am I cling and consider acquaintances as actual friends. Even though I have been "friends" with these people for years it is clear now that none of them get me or pay attention to knowing me so I shouldn't feel upset when they completely disregard my emotions and or feelings for the sake of fun. Now that I happen to be seeing these "red flags" I am filled with an apprehension to want to open up and relate to them as fully as I have been. Even my close friends treat me this way which is no wonder why my husband Jeff tells me that my friends suck and that I need to find better ones. 

 

In all honesty I do not even know if I want to be bothered with meeting people... from what I have seen and heard people are more messed up then they usually are. there is no holding oneself accountable for their actions, people would rather hurt others than allow them self to be hurt, they would rather blame others for their mistakes instead of learning from them, and no one pays any attention to anyone unless they are yelling. Jeff always tells me that people suck and if given the chance they will still suck cause they do not know any better. unfortunately I do know better and this type of behavior is unacceptable. I doubt that I am the only one that sees this and is disgusted by it. 

 

This is the energy of Aquarius messing with me; making me realize how lost and alone I feel within my social interactions. Bringing up my past childhood fears and anxieties so that I can confront them. Yes it is making me feel more intellectually unstable but its also making me painfully aware of how much creative spirit i have coming from all of my past childhood traumas. I am just grateful that I have worked out most of my issues from childhood or else this energy would be more destructive.

 

  

Don't Judge Mental Illness by My Cover...

I am completely taken back by people sometimes!!! I commented on a new friends facebook post concerning her depression. so I made the comment, "pills are just a band-aid. you need to figure out the root of the problem if you are to completely heal" or something to that effect. Evidently she was so upset about this that she took the time to compose a blog stating what she has gone through saying that since my "new friends" do not understand that I have bi-polar and depression and that I need to be on meds. This really hurt me and pissed me off because as I am reading this it sounds like what I went through. Only difference are: I am a functional person and she is not. I got through all of my illnesses without the use of a shrink or anyone. I put in the time and researched my problems. Found out that there were simple things that I could do within my day to stave off my anxiety or my depression or my blind rage. I didn't make other people in my life go thru a living hell because I didn't get my way. Nor did I give up upon myself and take pills that do not address the heart of the matter!!!! 

 

 If you are a person dealing with mental illness I have nothing but understanding and tolerance for you but do not assume that I do not know what you are going through based on my outer appearance. I have mental illnesses. so much so that I should be heavily sedated and in the psych ward. But I am not. Why you ask? if i have such bad mental health then why am I free roaming on the streets without medication? well for one I cannot afford any type of medication so I had to seek out other means of helping myself. I went to my college psych person back when I was 19 and they gave the test to see how badly I was messed up and I scored a 72/80 for severe depression w feelings of persecution. Sure I was told to go on meds but everything he gave me turned me into a walking zombie. So I did something about it. It wasn't till i got admitted to the first psych ward that I realized my anxiety was out of control; not to mention the stress that all of the rapes placed upon me turned my psyche upside down. interesting enough I still maintained a job. Then the second time around I was in a county psych ward- I had just gotten diagnosed with cervical cancer and they cryogenically froze my cervix which led to lots of internal bleeding while I was on my way to work one morning. I pulled over into a store and they called the police since I couldn't afford an ambulance. my mother was in Vegas so when the police came all they could do was drive me to the nearest county psych ward since no one could pick me up. I spent a week in that hell hole with people trying to convince me that I was crazy; that I was the wrong one and they were in fact WRONG. An Indian doctor there just looked at me and told me that I didn't belong in there. he grabbed my hand and told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me and turned my hand palm up and read it. He said that I was destined for so much more than this place. He explained that my life will be one of success if i could get out of here and gave me a hug. I never saw him there again but he is the reason that I am not there...

 

For me, it was crucial to look at my life and see where I went wrong.I needed to understand what was going on internally so that I could address all of my issues: my anxiety, depression with thoughts of persecution, Irritable bowel syndrome, emotionally induced illnesses, chronic fatigue syndrome, my rapes, high fevers, insomnia, neurotic thought patterns and migraines. Smoking marijuana helped focus my brain so I could understand what it was the was bothering me so much. A healthier diet helped give me the minerals/vitamins to overcome my chemical imbalances. Learned to control my breathing and when I feel the onset of a panic attack I can calm myself down enough to control it. all Of my issues stemmed from the harsh treatment of my father. Due to the nature of how i came into being he never forgave me when my mother chose to carry me to term even though I could have killed her. He opted for abortion as did her sister. For once I am grateful that my mother's catholic upbringing is the reason that I am here today. 19 years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse likened me to a rose growing underneath concrete. trying to find any way to grow underneath the weight of my father. it was his belief that i was the devil incarnate and that i was too weak to survive this place. I became his full whipping girl by 8 when my bother left for west point. I survived 11 more years of being told to stop lying about dad or i don't believe you. But my mother knew but she was going thru the same thing and she couldn't help me. My brother was long gone and when i was 13 Nana, my protector, died which gave me no more places to hide. all of these events were piling up in my head and I was forcing myself to feel them; acknowledge them so that I could understand the meaning behind all of the pain. Once I stripped away the layers of lessons that i was suppose to learn and didn't I realized that they were making me understand my patterns. I kept making the same mistakes again and again and each time the consequence of not learning said lesson made my life worse. I began paying attention to my body; since that is the physical response to something internally wrong. I started to understand what my triggers are that were causing me to feel this way. Started to understand what others do to also bring on my triggers and i learned to stop them before they happened. I went to the gym to get my endorphins up and I challenged myself during the day by doing things that were slightly out of my comfort zone to break out of my armored shell. Bought a book called Healing with Whole Foods and it opened my eyes to an eastern/western philosophy that made sense to me and I have been mostly free of my issues for the last 10years. 

 

So when I read/ hear things like what she wrote it infuriates me. Am I stronger than her? no. I just made a different choice to fix myself nothing more or less.  

Let's Do the Time Warp Again...

Since the New Year has begun I have been going with my friends to the Rocky Horror Picture Show shadow casting performances on saturdays. I call the Theatre at Long Beach "my Rocky home" but there are shows in Los Angeles, Ventura and a couple of other places that I haven't visited yet. Everytime I go there I feel at home amonst people that are like me. It seems that the more I go the more fun I have. Most of the people who are on the Long Beach cast happen to be my friends so it's fun to be part of the "crew". I have even been appraoched and asked to join the cast which would save me money in the longrun.

3 Simple Words...

...And with a single phrase spoken from his lips
She was paralyzed;
The words that should have meant something special...
Didn't.
Those precious words came out hollow and empty;
Automatic sounding in tone as he carefully pronounced each syllable,
giving away the lie behind the meaning of every gesture he did towards her
3 simple words that are suppose to bring happiness
brought nothing but torment to her heart.
What he didn't realize was that she knew him better than he thought.
All those years standing silently by his side
Watching him;
Observing him
But most importantly listening to what he said.
Hearing the tonal inflections
Watching his body language as he said it
She studied him...
Figured out how to know the difference between his truths,
his lies and the tells that give him away.
So she didn't say those words back to him.
oh no
She just gave him a look and said
"Next time mean it when you say I LOVE YOU
I can always spot your lies...

I Am the Love Within Me

Light and love enfold me,

Surround me, Protect me.

Moving through me as pure energy.

Fueling everything in this universe.

I open myself like the flower blooming for the sun,

Becoming the bliss that fills my heart.

Like a spiritual being trying to break free,
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...
Shining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...
I am the love within me.

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Swords

Swords   (2^nd version of Please Stop… You’re hurting me)

By: Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 1/9/13

 

My love is a single edged sword

Created to protect

To keep safe that which is held dear

To serve the person who wields it obediently

Without harm

Always

Without harm unless betrayed.

Being something to rely on

To trust and depend upon by the person who holds it

An instrument used to pledge your loyalty

Allegiance

Your life, to the one that you love

Or death to the one whom betrays…

 But your sword of love isn’t like mine

It is likened to a double edged sword

One edge that feels my warmth and love

Reciprocating that which I give to you

Yet the other edge is a darker one

An edge that causes pain

Reflected upon and within every movement

Every gesture

Every word as if it’s ingrained in you

Carefully aimed straight at my heart

Waiting to strike

Poised to strike

And repeating to strike till there is nothing left of my heart

 

Now your double edged sword has killed what I value most-

My love for you

Tturning it into a deepening betrayal

That keeps bleeding out pain

You have overstepped your reach

Now this single edged sword that once loved you

Protected you

Who refused to harm you

(Even if that meant her own death)

 Has risen up against you

In order to save what little of herself that she can

Patiently defending herself from your vicious attacks

Waiting for the perfect moment to strike

That which is killing her from the inside

Waiting for you to see the tears

That her heart has been crying out 

Because single edged swords were created to protect the ones they love…

But betrayal is punishable by death.

And you have betrayed that which she holds dear…

Found it!

And with a quick lunge of her sword his chest was pierced

Adding pressure her sword slowly passed thru the ribcage

with tears in her eyes made contact with his heart

Then out threw his back

She slowly twisted her sword upward

Making the slit a complete circle

And as the blood drained out of his heart

Her face reflected that which she felt-

A smile of satisfaction

 with tears of joy.

New Years Resolutions...

I could start out by saying that i'm going to choose to eat healthy or go to the gym more but i won't. This year I want to focus on the things that make me happy- my writings, my heart, and my soul. Looking back on my life i see that i have made bad choices that turned out for the best. In doing so I neglected the things that I wanted out of this life- to be a poet/writer. Gotten away from my schooling  of psychology, astrology and behavioral neuroscience. Even though to most I have nothing and i am nothing due to the fact that I do not have a job, money or a close circle of friends I have myself and faith in myself to survive, succeed and make something of myself. My resolutions are more to do with getting back to myself again; understanding what it is about me that makes others feel comfortable with me so i can be comfortable with the fact that i will always give more than they do. I'm not a taker by nature but i am slowly learning that people will not give me anything in this world unless i step up and take whatever it is that i want. My wants are simple: i wants to be my own boss and create beautiful things that people will purchase whether it being the selling of my poetry. writings or yarn creations. I want to be loved by someone who deserves me (already checked off), have an amazing wardrobe filled with goth +steam punk clothing and to be treated the way that I treat others. This year is going to be about doing things that I need to do for myself. Hopefully this includes traveling and spiritual re-fuelment.