Self-Love and Light

A couple of days ago my really good friend Isabella* (made up name to protect my friend) came over. I always watch "RuPaul's Drag Race" with her online. She couldn't believe how these men were transforming their selves into prettier women than some real women. At the time I didn't think anything of it... all women react this way when they see a hotter Drag girl than a biological girl. I should have paid more attention to Isabella's wording of her comments out loud. I am like a terrier in that manner- hearing something someone said with just the wrong inflection on certain words that mask the deep, painful truth that you are trying to get me not to hear; see or feel you hiding the real Truth from yourself projecting it onto me. Usually I call you on it and bring it "into the light what was once hidden in the dark of night" but my intuition told me to let this one go for the moment. To give my over-worked brain a rest I try not to link everything to have a significant meaning about something deeper and more painful things that others do not want to talk about. I forget that others consider that rude and highly intrusive when I look at it as trying to help.

I explained to Isabella that the Drag Queens use make-up to shape the lines of their faces to get the best out of their "Drag Persona." Isabella eagerly committed this to memory and it was like she was taking mental notes about everything that I was saying. Again, I noticed but put it to the back of my mind for later analysis later when she had left. There are certain emotions that I am not really to familiar in distinguishing because I have not felt them within myself: Jealousy and envy. I have felt and been on the receiving end of these emotions but I have not been swayed by them internally. As a Scorpio, Isabella has a very good amount of darkness to her; her mysteriousness makes her both vulnerable and powerful. But she is very much filled with self-doubt about her body's physical appearance. Yet her inner light is so blinding and brilliant; her blue eyes reflect such harshness and tranquility all at the same time...

RuPaul's motto on her show is "If you cannot love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" This was something that I was comfortable with; a quote that I had to live by in order to begin the process of healing myself from all of the poison that was inside of me from other's abuse towards me. I had to tell myself that "I love myself more than you could possibly hate/hurt me... I love myself past all of the pain, sorrow and sadness. I forgive myself for not treating this vessel with more respect and will not let anyone extinguish my light inside of me. My light is love, Infused into me by my creator and that is something that can never be destroyed." People call me beautiful; gorgeous and I couldn't care less because even though that is not how I view myself (I love my flawed body...) I am the most happy when they say that my inner beauty outshines my outer beauty. Long ago I learned that I had to protect myself with self love; not just someone Else's love for me to keep me safe. My Nana showed me that... her love kept me safe from my father's illness induced wrath towards me. Isabella gave me a weird look/glance as I approvingly nodded my head in agreeance. I said that "you have to love yourself so much that it pours out of you in so much abundance that it overflows into someone else and they are filled with love in abundance. That is the cycle of love... it is infectious and overwhelms the whole entire being. " Her eyes looked big-eyed and blank in a "I do not know that feeling of self love...what does it feel like?" an almost odd curious look of blankness. It was in this moment that her mask was taken off and she was exposed. Isabella's eyes turned a dark blue trying to re mask herself.

As we were watching a transformation of a gay man into a Drag Queen Isabella admitted that she couldn't walk in heels and that she walks like a man. I pulled out my heels and began to explain the art of walking in heels and why it is important to walk with one leg in front of the other like on a trapeze. I told her heels were designed to make your butt higher and more arched which also causes you to overcompensate by sticking your chest out. Reminded her that it is heel toe heel toe. If you feel like you are going to fall, use your hips as counter balance. She was so nervous; filled with doubt and unsure of herself that I thought that she was going to cry of embarrassment. I was wise to stop with the heel lesson and we went to look at lingerie. I think that this made her even more uncomfortable but we commented on each of the outfits that we saw.

Walking her out to the car in the darkened mist it was later revealed that she has no self love for herself. She understands that she is beautiful on the inside and has still been told that she is physically ugly. Something that she hasn't been able to get over. It was hard for her to even talk about it... she thought that I didn't catch her vocal tone. I called her on it and she started talking in a hysterical tone; a higher pitched tone that made her sound like she was on the verge of crying. I told her that what she was saying she doesn't believe and her eyes turned into panic because I saw into the real Isabella; The way she believes herself to be. There was a sigh of relief to her; an eerie calm right before the storm so to speak. She was very surprised to know that I saw her so clearly; that I was able to pierce her so deeply. She said that when she is around me she knows that she is safe and she can be herself more. I told her how much it hurt me that she didn't have self love. I know how important it is to have that in your life and what the world feels like when you do not.

Freaking out people is not something that I like to do; especially when they do not want themselves to be seen in the light because they are worried how ugly they really are. My personality is such that I inadvertently bring out that which you wish to hide and keep secret. What you hide is what makes me love the person that you are. Seeing those things behind you eyes is what makes me want to be your friend in the first place. Isabella is no exception to this and our heart to heart made me love her even more. I knew that I had scared her; my keen powers of observation had made her realize that I am much more than I pretend to show psychically and let on. I struck a chord in her and I do not know if she was alright with that. Her wording upon leaving was equivalent to someone saying goodbye in finality. Like I had just killed her admitting that big secret that she kept inside of herself. There is a picture of her where she is in the shadows of it staring towards the light longing for it but is just out if its reach being too comfortable within the darkness to leave. I haven;t spoken to her since... which bothers me because she hasn't read my message that I sent to her over a couple days ago yet approves my comment made the same time... I will not try to delve into that mystery yet and wait for her to respond to me before I make up my mind about my behavior for seeing too much within her. In my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but in her mind I may have....Scorpios tend to act that way and sting the people who try to help and become hostel towards them if they feel threatened in any way.