Absent due to Spiritual Growth...

Sorry for being gone for so long... I have been in the midst of having a huge spiritual/ emotional. mental/ psychical growth spurt. My life has always been in a constant struggle of: being the best version of me that I can be and everyone else who tries to deterr me from my true goals in life. As a child it was my father's strictness and his limiting outpouring of love that kept me caged up in every way...
I was a mere shell of the person that I was suppose to be. Then my mother added to it by not encouraging me to follow my dreams and be a creative talent. They both thought that I was just a day dreamer and wouldn't amount to anything in that capacity. It was my grandmother who knew better and tried to cultivate all of my artistic endeavors... like all children I was told later after her death that I "had to put away all of my childish toys" including my artistic abilities.

Till now I have still lived with all of my childhood scars and didn't really understand how badly my parents influence had spread. I am a shell of a person because I didn't understand that I could defy them and be the artist that I am. when you are told enough times to do what you are told you do. All of the things I was good at I had to give up for the betterment of others. something that I am still bitterly hostile over because I didn't know any better to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying to ensure that my parents liked me enough to deal with me. Deep down I knew that when i entered this world I destroyed my parent's relationship. It was always a tug-of-war with them in order to deal with me.

As I was reading my solar return early... something inside of me told me to look at it; I had the feeling that I wasn't learning the things that I needed to be learning. My hunch was right; it told me that I needed to overcome my shadowy past and embrace my true self and begin to shine. something that I have been reluctant to do since as a child I was picked on as a result. I didn't realize that my inner light shines so brightly that it casts shadows upon others which is why they treated me so poorly. I wasn't doing it on purpose; I was just being myself and that has always been the problem. There is so much negative programming within me that I convince myself to fail or that I would fail and stopped taking any type of risks in my life. I am done sacrificing myself just so that others can feel better about themselves around me; done with dimming myself so that others look brighter within my presence.

I gave up everything that I have ever cared about just to have peace of mind in life... to be left alone form other people's insecurities and them being projected onto me. For my so called friends I have taken on their problems as if they were my own just to be accepted by them... and for what? When I need them the most they are gone. Jeff explained that as an adult friendships are quite different then when you were younger; now if you do not have anything to offer or be used for then adult friends do not want anything to do with you. There has to be something in it for them to continue to be their friend. If not, you are considered a burden and there for discard able.

Since people have been so cruel to me and have left me high and dry when I do succeed in an "adult way" I will not let them know and pretend that they do not exist. Cause in essence they weren't really true friends in the first place. So in one instance my heart is thoroughly broken that when you become an adult everything has to change in the relationship dynamics that used to be so simple and are not anymore. Guess its the Gemini in me but friendship is a friendship sort of like marriage where you are there for each other no matter what! Then again, I am a idealist at heart and think that the way in which I operate is universal for everyone else.