Look past the beauty for once people...

It really does get underneath my skin how much shit I have to endure when it comes to my beauty. Prettiness is a personal problem with me due to all of the scandal it produces for me. People believe that just because I am attractive it automatically means that I am a high maintenance bitch- that I talk down to people and make others feel small. I have to work extra hard to make sure that I don't loose my cool in front of people because then all of the things that they say about me behind my back are confirmed.

First off: I am not vain or care that much about my looks. granted I know how to apply makeup and look good doesn't make me a bad person or a mean girl. I was picked on and bullied for most of my life due to people not accepting of my nice personality. I didn't turn pretty till I was 16. That means I had 16 years to build up a personality, learn grace, humility and how to be a nice person. I have certain principles and something called integrity. I do not go out of my way to make people feel bad about their life or their overall looks. I grew up as a tomboy; playing in trees and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I mean I shuck oysters and get out pearls for a living! I am a goofball geek who happens to be hot. I have self esteem and self confidence... so that makes me a bitch!?! Sorry but my Nana and my momma raised me well- I have manners, etiquette, and I am very polite and grateful for the people/things in my life. I'm me. I do not go out of my way to be anything but myself; but at times i will diminish my light in order to make people feel more comfortable... but I am tired of people telling me that I cannot shine because they do not want me to shine brightly in front of them. Tired of being the one that is considered the villain for being the "pretty one" because the person pissed at me isn't as pretty as me. if my looks weren't what they are I wouldn't be having these kinds of problems...

I know when you read this that most will not understand why i feel this way- only people who have been through this kind of experience will truly understand what i am going through. If i put much stock into the bible then beauty along with my other qualities are considered gifts from god; which means that they are gifts bestowed and curses to bear. I have learned that people will see me as they want to see me; viewing certain traits but not the whole of me. That i am whatever you want me to be; but with all that said I am still me and myself despite your selfish intentions of me. Beauty at least to me is a double edged sword in my life- women hate me and men rape me. Women assume that I'm a bitch and are rude to me and men objectify me and take things from me that I do not want to give. So yes i find it funny when people say that they wish they could be me- if people knew my full history of what I have been through you may not want to be me. It wasn't easy going through all of the shit I went through. likewise it isn't easy to be the person you see before you now given my past. People make too many damn assumptions about me that it makes my head spin. so I did what i do best write the pain out of me. I wrote a poem reflecting on the past month of how people have been treating me. enjoy...



My eyes will show you what I have been through;
Look carefully big heart will reveal scars, wounds and breaks.
My personality qualifies me as a geek;
a nerd and a dork...
but all you see is my beauty.
Only focusing on the physical;
my my how shallow are you...

Beauty for me is a consistent pain;
A torment that I would gladly choose not to feel.
Yet people will not let me forget what I look like.
Throwing it up in my face as if its suppose to mean something to me
My beauty is riddled with pain;
because others will not let me be prettier than them.
It fills my life with such evilness that I wish i didn't look this way
equating beauty with pain and pain with beauty
has become a calming mantra for my life...

Jealousy, envy, pettiness are some well known friends
reminding me why most girls cannot be my friend.
Because being myself casts shadows on others;
bringing out their insecurity and their shortcomings
focusing all of their anger from themselves to me.
just to make themselves feel better;
meanwhile putting me in my so called place.
So that I cannot outshine...

Men befriend me in order to get into my pants
a careless boob grab here
hands accidentally slip to my ass
with that look in their eye as if I'm already naked.
Being looked at as an object, a prize;
a conquest makes me sick to my stomach
seeing the seed of lust rise from men's eyes and smile
makes me want to take a shower for days...

Yet for all or your assumptions of me
you do not really see me
showing me that you do not really know me at all
I accept that I have to deal with this my whole entire life;
what I will not accept is making me hurt so you can feel better.
so please stop comparing me to you.
Handle your own "inner" issues and demons
without me being blamed for them.
Cause I'm going to continue being myself;
and if you think i shone before-
you haven't seen nothing yet!