Sunday, June 21, 2009
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The Universe is pleased!...
It seems that since I decided to follow my heart and hobbies to the fullest I am being rewarded through the SECRET. In my life philosophy, when you are on the right path in your journey of life you receive road signs telling you that you are going in the right direction. At these road signs I stop, pause and reflect on where I have come from to get to this new point in my life. I re-assess my life and mentally look through the pages to see what lead me here to this specific point in my life and contemplate on how just one little , tiny , insignificant decision can change the rest of your life from that moment on. That one bad choice or decision can set you back so far in you life that you barely remember the kind of potential you have to share with the world. Understanding that I am on the path that I am on even if I make a bad choice it is still heading in the right direction because it is the physical step I took that is recorded in the Ultimate Book of Deeds. Am intuitive enough to gleam that it is blessing in disguise. Like Eva said, " you can't have a testimony with a test."
My life has gone through a lot of adversity and I have overcome it with my childlike innocence fully intact. My past makes me stronger; not quite sure how strong I need to be in God's eyes but I'm glad for the responsibility to bear it. My 27th birthday marked the dawn of a new era for me as myself: the character that I was meant to be in the great role of life. I have stopped running from myself; from the hurt, the pain of love lost in it's most innocent state. From the rage inside of me from what the pain left behind when it wasn't allowed audible expression. I made amends with my past selves; I had wronged them by leaving them alone in the dark to fester while I had to pretend to be perfect. I always self sacrificed for other than for myself even if it kills me health wise. When that happens I know that it is time for me to finally choose myself. Here is my best example of this:
My brother told the smartest 2 things that anyone could have said to me to make me strong enough to do what I had to do. He asked me inquisitively, "do you like being abused, yelled at or belittled?"
-,"No"
-"Then change it. If you stay, that means that you like it and I do not feel sorry for you...."
I didn't like the situation I was in back then. Didn't like it at all and I realized that It was time to get out of this abusive relationship. I left *Eric* (name not real changed to protect person involved)with the help of the local sheriff on a June 29th, 2 of my best friends birthdays. That next day I looked at myself in the mirror and my inner voice said, " How does it feel knowing that today is the first day of the rest of your life?" Tears were flowing down my face, while there was a huge smile on my face...
Today was another one of those days... at the end of class I went to my teacher and showed him the list of things in the courses that I was going to skip over due to being a transfer student. He took the list and went home to see what handouts, books and any other resource he could give to me to make my hobby become the real thing.
He explained that I have a lot of natural talent when it comes to my pictures. That I have an eye for blending colors and for putting together color schemes; that they all share some type of story and convey some type of emotion. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I just do the creations when my insomnia takes a hold of me. That my artwork could be considered Fine Art and could possibly make a living selling them! (To all of the people who thought that my hobbies wouldn't lead me anywhere and told me that I needed to pay more attention to having a job than to follow my heart and make my hobby my career... I did it despite what you thought.) He also told me to meet the photoshop teacher and show him my notebook portfolio... so I did.
He was a little less receptive to me but I went for it anyways and won him over in the end. My natural raw talent was there, but it wasn't structured or focused and not industry standard. He asked me if they were created with photoshop and I said no; that I couldn't afford the program. He recommended Lynda.com and take the tutorials and see just how much more I could do that I originally thought. Then out of the blue on of his students tells me that she'll bring in her copy and I could use hers to learn on. (Photoshop has been a dream of mine ever since I could take pictures and manipulate them. for me to be able to work on one was the equivalent of having Santa Claus answer my prayers! ) It touched him that I wanted to pursue my passion; that was the way he first started out. Next thing I know he said that he would show me how to use it after my class till I learn it.
This is so amazing to me! It was these series of events that reconfirmed my philosophy on life... that finally I realized where my energy is best suited: in school learning how to turn my degree into a career that focuses on my passionate hobby of graphics art design.
My life has gone through a lot of adversity and I have overcome it with my childlike innocence fully intact. My past makes me stronger; not quite sure how strong I need to be in God's eyes but I'm glad for the responsibility to bear it. My 27th birthday marked the dawn of a new era for me as myself: the character that I was meant to be in the great role of life. I have stopped running from myself; from the hurt, the pain of love lost in it's most innocent state. From the rage inside of me from what the pain left behind when it wasn't allowed audible expression. I made amends with my past selves; I had wronged them by leaving them alone in the dark to fester while I had to pretend to be perfect. I always self sacrificed for other than for myself even if it kills me health wise. When that happens I know that it is time for me to finally choose myself. Here is my best example of this:
My brother told the smartest 2 things that anyone could have said to me to make me strong enough to do what I had to do. He asked me inquisitively, "do you like being abused, yelled at or belittled?"
-,"No"
-"Then change it. If you stay, that means that you like it and I do not feel sorry for you...."
I didn't like the situation I was in back then. Didn't like it at all and I realized that It was time to get out of this abusive relationship. I left *Eric* (name not real changed to protect person involved)with the help of the local sheriff on a June 29th, 2 of my best friends birthdays. That next day I looked at myself in the mirror and my inner voice said, " How does it feel knowing that today is the first day of the rest of your life?" Tears were flowing down my face, while there was a huge smile on my face...
Today was another one of those days... at the end of class I went to my teacher and showed him the list of things in the courses that I was going to skip over due to being a transfer student. He took the list and went home to see what handouts, books and any other resource he could give to me to make my hobby become the real thing.
He explained that I have a lot of natural talent when it comes to my pictures. That I have an eye for blending colors and for putting together color schemes; that they all share some type of story and convey some type of emotion. I couldn't believe what I was hearing! I just do the creations when my insomnia takes a hold of me. That my artwork could be considered Fine Art and could possibly make a living selling them! (To all of the people who thought that my hobbies wouldn't lead me anywhere and told me that I needed to pay more attention to having a job than to follow my heart and make my hobby my career... I did it despite what you thought.) He also told me to meet the photoshop teacher and show him my notebook portfolio... so I did.
He was a little less receptive to me but I went for it anyways and won him over in the end. My natural raw talent was there, but it wasn't structured or focused and not industry standard. He asked me if they were created with photoshop and I said no; that I couldn't afford the program. He recommended Lynda.com and take the tutorials and see just how much more I could do that I originally thought. Then out of the blue on of his students tells me that she'll bring in her copy and I could use hers to learn on. (Photoshop has been a dream of mine ever since I could take pictures and manipulate them. for me to be able to work on one was the equivalent of having Santa Claus answer my prayers! ) It touched him that I wanted to pursue my passion; that was the way he first started out. Next thing I know he said that he would show me how to use it after my class till I learn it.
This is so amazing to me! It was these series of events that reconfirmed my philosophy on life... that finally I realized where my energy is best suited: in school learning how to turn my degree into a career that focuses on my passionate hobby of graphics art design.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Changes...
It's strange seeing how much my life has changed just by making one decision. Up till now I have let life guide me like a leaf in the wind. I realize that this type of approach isn't the best life strategy but I needed to be able to allow myself to experience life in it's dual complexities; both the good and the bad. I needed to strengthen my character and my sence of worth within myself. I had been lacking self-esteem and self worth because I was outwardly motivated and had no idea that I needed to become inwardly motivated; I relied on others to tell me wheter or not I was doing well or not. In hindsight I now see that my so called friends were jealous of me and my accomplishments and wanted me to fall. It wasn't that surprising that they would do that to me; I bring out people's ugliness when I shine brightly.
As I have awoken to my true potential I find that my life has in it the things that I have needed all along: Love, family, trust, hope, positivity, and creativity. Friends are there when it is convienent for us to get together; but it's alright that we do not see each other because we are all living our personal life journey at the very same moment. Yes, I have been reflecting alot about my circumstances and my life... I know that I am where I am suppose to be and I take much comfort in that philosophical mindset. All of the thigns that I have done, been through and will continue to experience is going to help me in everything that I do from this point on.
People look at me differently; it's a bit strange to see the people that I have known for many years look at me like I am a foreigner. The only thing that hasn't changed to drastically is my smile; if anything I smile everyday a true smile. My controled smile has disappeared from my life because I do not have a use for it anymore. My creativity has taken over all of me and has released my tortured soul from its prision of my childhood. My shackles of my past have been removed and for the first time I feel free to do anything that I want to do! I do not have to hide anymore the things that I am; everything is there for me to be seen and that is my main happiness within my soul.
Even though I have lost many of my material possessions, that never took away from how I viewed myself. Yes my friends forsaked me, people looked at me like I was nothing, employers passed over my resume seeing nothing standing out about me, and yet in my heart I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I would be able to have the things that my heart and soul needed to feel complete. So I turned my back on all the people that I cared about who told me that "I wouldn't succeed making my hobby into reality," "That I am wasting my time living in a fantasy world of pipe dreams," or " That my hobbies won't put food on the table and pay the bills" despite how much it pained me.
Over the years I have learned that people can either help you or they can hinder you on your road to success or road of life. So if you hinder me I ask myself the series of questions: 1) is your attittude/ personality/ words helping me or hindering me from becoming the person that I want to be? 2) Is your negativity sucking the life out of me? 3) Will this person be able to learn how to be better in the time frame I allow? [mature]4)Or is their self-esteem and self worth so low that I cannot be around them?[are they trying to get me to be their egos and raise their self worth?] 5)Are they sabbotaging me and themself by their actions? If you are hindering me after I have tried to explain all of this to you and you still pull me down to your level I have no choice but to let you go cause you are killing me...
Life is short and I do not have the time, energy, or effort to put into anyone to make them realize just how special they are but myself; I have spent to long doing this for others trying to give them the inner things that they are lacking because they have asked me to do this for them. I cannot be your inner motivator or ego booster to make you feel better; I am not your mother or your shrink. Some things I am quickly learning that you have to do for yourself in order to grow and thrive in what you call "your life." I have to be able to take care of myself in all facets; not just some. If I am taking care of people when is it my turn to ever take care of myself? If I am constantly putting myself on the backburner will I ever be there for myself? I have thought long and hard about these questions and I have to put my foot down and help the person that I have neglected the most in this life-MYSELF. Cause for all of the things that I do/did for you when did you ever try to help me? Oh yeah, that's right you were too busy trying to help yourself and using me as a crutch to help your selfish needs...
Granted it was always my choice to help but coersive controling, using my feelings against me to benefit you and seeing the soul cry within your eyes doesn't really give me a choice to make. Of course I have to help you; I am not a cold hearted bitch. I feel alot and understand your suffering but do not ask me to take on your pain just so that you can have a breather. I deal with enough as is and do not need your added stressors to my life. I have finally gotten myself to the point where my body, mind and soul are in unision and my emotional induced illnesses cease to exsist anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to fix all othe problems that I found within me... coninuously improving myself in every way I know how to and I will not let someone else ruin all of my hard work!
Darkness was already here and then the light showed up to show us what we could be. My past was my darkness and now through the process of transformation I have allowed myself to be in the light, of the light and for the light. Looking at my ugliness and loving it, uinderstanding it and accepting it so that I can be brightened and purified. Dealt with my demons; not running from them or burying them deep inside of myself. I confronted my fears and self doubt and triumphed in the face of adversity. I have earned my right to be able to shine as brightly as I possibly can. Look at your own life... can you say the same thing?
As I have awoken to my true potential I find that my life has in it the things that I have needed all along: Love, family, trust, hope, positivity, and creativity. Friends are there when it is convienent for us to get together; but it's alright that we do not see each other because we are all living our personal life journey at the very same moment. Yes, I have been reflecting alot about my circumstances and my life... I know that I am where I am suppose to be and I take much comfort in that philosophical mindset. All of the thigns that I have done, been through and will continue to experience is going to help me in everything that I do from this point on.
People look at me differently; it's a bit strange to see the people that I have known for many years look at me like I am a foreigner. The only thing that hasn't changed to drastically is my smile; if anything I smile everyday a true smile. My controled smile has disappeared from my life because I do not have a use for it anymore. My creativity has taken over all of me and has released my tortured soul from its prision of my childhood. My shackles of my past have been removed and for the first time I feel free to do anything that I want to do! I do not have to hide anymore the things that I am; everything is there for me to be seen and that is my main happiness within my soul.
Even though I have lost many of my material possessions, that never took away from how I viewed myself. Yes my friends forsaked me, people looked at me like I was nothing, employers passed over my resume seeing nothing standing out about me, and yet in my heart I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I would be able to have the things that my heart and soul needed to feel complete. So I turned my back on all the people that I cared about who told me that "I wouldn't succeed making my hobby into reality," "That I am wasting my time living in a fantasy world of pipe dreams," or " That my hobbies won't put food on the table and pay the bills" despite how much it pained me.
Over the years I have learned that people can either help you or they can hinder you on your road to success or road of life. So if you hinder me I ask myself the series of questions: 1) is your attittude/ personality/ words helping me or hindering me from becoming the person that I want to be? 2) Is your negativity sucking the life out of me? 3) Will this person be able to learn how to be better in the time frame I allow? [mature]4)Or is their self-esteem and self worth so low that I cannot be around them?[are they trying to get me to be their egos and raise their self worth?] 5)Are they sabbotaging me and themself by their actions? If you are hindering me after I have tried to explain all of this to you and you still pull me down to your level I have no choice but to let you go cause you are killing me...
Life is short and I do not have the time, energy, or effort to put into anyone to make them realize just how special they are but myself; I have spent to long doing this for others trying to give them the inner things that they are lacking because they have asked me to do this for them. I cannot be your inner motivator or ego booster to make you feel better; I am not your mother or your shrink. Some things I am quickly learning that you have to do for yourself in order to grow and thrive in what you call "your life." I have to be able to take care of myself in all facets; not just some. If I am taking care of people when is it my turn to ever take care of myself? If I am constantly putting myself on the backburner will I ever be there for myself? I have thought long and hard about these questions and I have to put my foot down and help the person that I have neglected the most in this life-MYSELF. Cause for all of the things that I do/did for you when did you ever try to help me? Oh yeah, that's right you were too busy trying to help yourself and using me as a crutch to help your selfish needs...
Granted it was always my choice to help but coersive controling, using my feelings against me to benefit you and seeing the soul cry within your eyes doesn't really give me a choice to make. Of course I have to help you; I am not a cold hearted bitch. I feel alot and understand your suffering but do not ask me to take on your pain just so that you can have a breather. I deal with enough as is and do not need your added stressors to my life. I have finally gotten myself to the point where my body, mind and soul are in unision and my emotional induced illnesses cease to exsist anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to fix all othe problems that I found within me... coninuously improving myself in every way I know how to and I will not let someone else ruin all of my hard work!
Darkness was already here and then the light showed up to show us what we could be. My past was my darkness and now through the process of transformation I have allowed myself to be in the light, of the light and for the light. Looking at my ugliness and loving it, uinderstanding it and accepting it so that I can be brightened and purified. Dealt with my demons; not running from them or burying them deep inside of myself. I confronted my fears and self doubt and triumphed in the face of adversity. I have earned my right to be able to shine as brightly as I possibly can. Look at your own life... can you say the same thing?
Friday, June 5, 2009
Contemplating of My Life Thus Far...
I have been out of school for the last 6 years... that hasn't bothered me as much as you think it would because I know that every single day I learn to be a better version of myself. When I tell people that I have 2 AAs in Psychology and Anthropology from Moorpark College they look at me in surprise because they didn't know that. I graduated a semester early and all of my JC college credits are TRANSFERABLE. At 19 I had that much sense to make sure of that... so when I was ready to enter the world of 4 year college I would be able to spend the time wisely on my core classes. People thought that I was just being lazy not going to a 4 year straight from high school; actually, I needed to prepare myself for such a task and ease into it.
After graduating I found that my life took a whole new turn; some bad and some good. I became an Aunt for the first time and got involved in an relationship that turned abusive. Turns out that those series of events needed to happen to me in order to become the person that you see before you. I had to go thru all of it to become stronger and learn how to be responsible for myself. To hold myself morally accountable for the things that I allowed to take place within my life.
For these last 6 years life has been a definite learning experience; adversity has become part of my normal routine of life and I took all of the negative things and made them into positive challenges that had to be overcome. I attempted to make friends with my pain, anger, resentment and the neglected child within me. I had to get back in touch with the person that I wanted to be and for many different reason I wasn't. I had to re-evaluate my life and my life goals; then I figured out one of the underlying problems: I had met all of my goals and hadn't made any new ones to pursue. I had found someone to love who loved me for me, found self love for myself, learned how to be venerable enough to love someone and let them into my heart.
I set school on the back burner for an opportunity to work at dead end jobs and sacrificed everything that I considered important because others told me that my "pipe dreams" and my creative hobbies were just childish and wouldn't amount to anything. How foolish was I to believe them. But in my heart I knew that they would be the ones to regret ever telling me that. Intuitively, I knew that my career would be geared towards my "hobbies" and I would make more money than I ever dreamed of! I tried to put away my childish things for their sake but it turns out that I need them to make something of myself!
My "hobby" are my PURELY CYNNEFULL DESIGNS; manipulating pictures into the things that my head creates. People told me time and time again that I couldn't make a living doing that. Well, turns out I can and will by going back to school...
It was only in the month of May 2009 that I made myself be the person that I wanted to be. I decided to stop hiding all of my potential and let my inner light shine so brightly that I blind you by my sheer brilliance. I let my hair grow out naturally instead of having it chemically altered to make it more manageable. Now, my hair and I have a healthier relationship with one another and it has decided to cooperate with me and became more manageable than it was when it was permed. My hair gets less knots and it takes less time to style and take care of. As a result, my cheek bones are higher and my face shines brighter than it did in previous years. My body has gotten into better shape cause I am now happier with myself and my surroundings. Jeff's cooking also helps tremendously and now my body and I have a great relationship. No more Emotionally induced illnesses due to a bad job, stress, or persecution. I now know that when my emotions are out of sync my body becomes affected as well. I have learned to pay closer attention to myself and my body's reactions to things so that I can obtain inner balance.
My personality has become more of my own; not worrying about what others think of me has helped greatly with this process. I wear my personality like I wear clothing. I had to mentally go through my emotional wardrobe and see what I had to work with that I had forgotten about. Sometimes people do not realize just how much of their personality goes by unseen because of what other people say about it. My sarcasm is out in full force and is usually seen in my humour which isn't always understood but I do not care anymore. I do not need to explain myself to anyone except my Creator. Now that my inner strength has been revealed within me I am not concerned with how people view me; only how I view myself.
Negative things do not affect me in the same way that they once did. My 27th birthday taught me that I am more capable than I originally thought. I know now to look at the change that the event brought me as a good thing. Ever since May 20th of this year everything has changed for the better and I have not looked back since. Maybe that is why this time that I saw a ITT Tech commercial I did something about it and went online to see what I needed to apply...
Today was the day I happened to trust my instincts and filled out all of the info I needed to apply to ITT Tech. I decided that this was the day that I would make something of myself and my unusual talents in the field of Graphic Design. The Oxnard Campus had the classes that I wanted to learn and it was closer than I thought it was to me. My dream of being a creative person holding a career doing something that I loved was about to happen for me and I became increasingly excited about the thought of getting into ITT Tech. Who knows... I am casting my bread out onto the water and seeing what comes back to me...
After graduating I found that my life took a whole new turn; some bad and some good. I became an Aunt for the first time and got involved in an relationship that turned abusive. Turns out that those series of events needed to happen to me in order to become the person that you see before you. I had to go thru all of it to become stronger and learn how to be responsible for myself. To hold myself morally accountable for the things that I allowed to take place within my life.
For these last 6 years life has been a definite learning experience; adversity has become part of my normal routine of life and I took all of the negative things and made them into positive challenges that had to be overcome. I attempted to make friends with my pain, anger, resentment and the neglected child within me. I had to get back in touch with the person that I wanted to be and for many different reason I wasn't. I had to re-evaluate my life and my life goals; then I figured out one of the underlying problems: I had met all of my goals and hadn't made any new ones to pursue. I had found someone to love who loved me for me, found self love for myself, learned how to be venerable enough to love someone and let them into my heart.
I set school on the back burner for an opportunity to work at dead end jobs and sacrificed everything that I considered important because others told me that my "pipe dreams" and my creative hobbies were just childish and wouldn't amount to anything. How foolish was I to believe them. But in my heart I knew that they would be the ones to regret ever telling me that. Intuitively, I knew that my career would be geared towards my "hobbies" and I would make more money than I ever dreamed of! I tried to put away my childish things for their sake but it turns out that I need them to make something of myself!
My "hobby" are my PURELY CYNNEFULL DESIGNS; manipulating pictures into the things that my head creates. People told me time and time again that I couldn't make a living doing that. Well, turns out I can and will by going back to school...
It was only in the month of May 2009 that I made myself be the person that I wanted to be. I decided to stop hiding all of my potential and let my inner light shine so brightly that I blind you by my sheer brilliance. I let my hair grow out naturally instead of having it chemically altered to make it more manageable. Now, my hair and I have a healthier relationship with one another and it has decided to cooperate with me and became more manageable than it was when it was permed. My hair gets less knots and it takes less time to style and take care of. As a result, my cheek bones are higher and my face shines brighter than it did in previous years. My body has gotten into better shape cause I am now happier with myself and my surroundings. Jeff's cooking also helps tremendously and now my body and I have a great relationship. No more Emotionally induced illnesses due to a bad job, stress, or persecution. I now know that when my emotions are out of sync my body becomes affected as well. I have learned to pay closer attention to myself and my body's reactions to things so that I can obtain inner balance.
My personality has become more of my own; not worrying about what others think of me has helped greatly with this process. I wear my personality like I wear clothing. I had to mentally go through my emotional wardrobe and see what I had to work with that I had forgotten about. Sometimes people do not realize just how much of their personality goes by unseen because of what other people say about it. My sarcasm is out in full force and is usually seen in my humour which isn't always understood but I do not care anymore. I do not need to explain myself to anyone except my Creator. Now that my inner strength has been revealed within me I am not concerned with how people view me; only how I view myself.
Negative things do not affect me in the same way that they once did. My 27th birthday taught me that I am more capable than I originally thought. I know now to look at the change that the event brought me as a good thing. Ever since May 20th of this year everything has changed for the better and I have not looked back since. Maybe that is why this time that I saw a ITT Tech commercial I did something about it and went online to see what I needed to apply...
Today was the day I happened to trust my instincts and filled out all of the info I needed to apply to ITT Tech. I decided that this was the day that I would make something of myself and my unusual talents in the field of Graphic Design. The Oxnard Campus had the classes that I wanted to learn and it was closer than I thought it was to me. My dream of being a creative person holding a career doing something that I loved was about to happen for me and I became increasingly excited about the thought of getting into ITT Tech. Who knows... I am casting my bread out onto the water and seeing what comes back to me...
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