It's strange seeing how much my life has changed just by making one decision. Up till now I have let life guide me like a leaf in the wind. I realize that this type of approach isn't the best life strategy but I needed to be able to allow myself to experience life in it's dual complexities; both the good and the bad. I needed to strengthen my character and my sence of worth within myself. I had been lacking self-esteem and self worth because I was outwardly motivated and had no idea that I needed to become inwardly motivated; I relied on others to tell me wheter or not I was doing well or not. In hindsight I now see that my so called friends were jealous of me and my accomplishments and wanted me to fall. It wasn't that surprising that they would do that to me; I bring out people's ugliness when I shine brightly.
As I have awoken to my true potential I find that my life has in it the things that I have needed all along: Love, family, trust, hope, positivity, and creativity. Friends are there when it is convienent for us to get together; but it's alright that we do not see each other because we are all living our personal life journey at the very same moment. Yes, I have been reflecting alot about my circumstances and my life... I know that I am where I am suppose to be and I take much comfort in that philosophical mindset. All of the thigns that I have done, been through and will continue to experience is going to help me in everything that I do from this point on.
People look at me differently; it's a bit strange to see the people that I have known for many years look at me like I am a foreigner. The only thing that hasn't changed to drastically is my smile; if anything I smile everyday a true smile. My controled smile has disappeared from my life because I do not have a use for it anymore. My creativity has taken over all of me and has released my tortured soul from its prision of my childhood. My shackles of my past have been removed and for the first time I feel free to do anything that I want to do! I do not have to hide anymore the things that I am; everything is there for me to be seen and that is my main happiness within my soul.
Even though I have lost many of my material possessions, that never took away from how I viewed myself. Yes my friends forsaked me, people looked at me like I was nothing, employers passed over my resume seeing nothing standing out about me, and yet in my heart I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I would be able to have the things that my heart and soul needed to feel complete. So I turned my back on all the people that I cared about who told me that "I wouldn't succeed making my hobby into reality," "That I am wasting my time living in a fantasy world of pipe dreams," or " That my hobbies won't put food on the table and pay the bills" despite how much it pained me.
Over the years I have learned that people can either help you or they can hinder you on your road to success or road of life. So if you hinder me I ask myself the series of questions: 1) is your attittude/ personality/ words helping me or hindering me from becoming the person that I want to be? 2) Is your negativity sucking the life out of me? 3) Will this person be able to learn how to be better in the time frame I allow? [mature]4)Or is their self-esteem and self worth so low that I cannot be around them?[are they trying to get me to be their egos and raise their self worth?] 5)Are they sabbotaging me and themself by their actions? If you are hindering me after I have tried to explain all of this to you and you still pull me down to your level I have no choice but to let you go cause you are killing me...
Life is short and I do not have the time, energy, or effort to put into anyone to make them realize just how special they are but myself; I have spent to long doing this for others trying to give them the inner things that they are lacking because they have asked me to do this for them. I cannot be your inner motivator or ego booster to make you feel better; I am not your mother or your shrink. Some things I am quickly learning that you have to do for yourself in order to grow and thrive in what you call "your life." I have to be able to take care of myself in all facets; not just some. If I am taking care of people when is it my turn to ever take care of myself? If I am constantly putting myself on the backburner will I ever be there for myself? I have thought long and hard about these questions and I have to put my foot down and help the person that I have neglected the most in this life-MYSELF. Cause for all of the things that I do/did for you when did you ever try to help me? Oh yeah, that's right you were too busy trying to help yourself and using me as a crutch to help your selfish needs...
Granted it was always my choice to help but coersive controling, using my feelings against me to benefit you and seeing the soul cry within your eyes doesn't really give me a choice to make. Of course I have to help you; I am not a cold hearted bitch. I feel alot and understand your suffering but do not ask me to take on your pain just so that you can have a breather. I deal with enough as is and do not need your added stressors to my life. I have finally gotten myself to the point where my body, mind and soul are in unision and my emotional induced illnesses cease to exsist anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to fix all othe problems that I found within me... coninuously improving myself in every way I know how to and I will not let someone else ruin all of my hard work!
Darkness was already here and then the light showed up to show us what we could be. My past was my darkness and now through the process of transformation I have allowed myself to be in the light, of the light and for the light. Looking at my ugliness and loving it, uinderstanding it and accepting it so that I can be brightened and purified. Dealt with my demons; not running from them or burying them deep inside of myself. I confronted my fears and self doubt and triumphed in the face of adversity. I have earned my right to be able to shine as brightly as I possibly can. Look at your own life... can you say the same thing?
As I have awoken to my true potential I find that my life has in it the things that I have needed all along: Love, family, trust, hope, positivity, and creativity. Friends are there when it is convienent for us to get together; but it's alright that we do not see each other because we are all living our personal life journey at the very same moment. Yes, I have been reflecting alot about my circumstances and my life... I know that I am where I am suppose to be and I take much comfort in that philosophical mindset. All of the thigns that I have done, been through and will continue to experience is going to help me in everything that I do from this point on.
People look at me differently; it's a bit strange to see the people that I have known for many years look at me like I am a foreigner. The only thing that hasn't changed to drastically is my smile; if anything I smile everyday a true smile. My controled smile has disappeared from my life because I do not have a use for it anymore. My creativity has taken over all of me and has released my tortured soul from its prision of my childhood. My shackles of my past have been removed and for the first time I feel free to do anything that I want to do! I do not have to hide anymore the things that I am; everything is there for me to be seen and that is my main happiness within my soul.
Even though I have lost many of my material possessions, that never took away from how I viewed myself. Yes my friends forsaked me, people looked at me like I was nothing, employers passed over my resume seeing nothing standing out about me, and yet in my heart I knew that they were wrong. I knew that I would be able to have the things that my heart and soul needed to feel complete. So I turned my back on all the people that I cared about who told me that "I wouldn't succeed making my hobby into reality," "That I am wasting my time living in a fantasy world of pipe dreams," or " That my hobbies won't put food on the table and pay the bills" despite how much it pained me.
Over the years I have learned that people can either help you or they can hinder you on your road to success or road of life. So if you hinder me I ask myself the series of questions: 1) is your attittude/ personality/ words helping me or hindering me from becoming the person that I want to be? 2) Is your negativity sucking the life out of me? 3) Will this person be able to learn how to be better in the time frame I allow? [mature]4)Or is their self-esteem and self worth so low that I cannot be around them?[are they trying to get me to be their egos and raise their self worth?] 5)Are they sabbotaging me and themself by their actions? If you are hindering me after I have tried to explain all of this to you and you still pull me down to your level I have no choice but to let you go cause you are killing me...
Life is short and I do not have the time, energy, or effort to put into anyone to make them realize just how special they are but myself; I have spent to long doing this for others trying to give them the inner things that they are lacking because they have asked me to do this for them. I cannot be your inner motivator or ego booster to make you feel better; I am not your mother or your shrink. Some things I am quickly learning that you have to do for yourself in order to grow and thrive in what you call "your life." I have to be able to take care of myself in all facets; not just some. If I am taking care of people when is it my turn to ever take care of myself? If I am constantly putting myself on the backburner will I ever be there for myself? I have thought long and hard about these questions and I have to put my foot down and help the person that I have neglected the most in this life-MYSELF. Cause for all of the things that I do/did for you when did you ever try to help me? Oh yeah, that's right you were too busy trying to help yourself and using me as a crutch to help your selfish needs...
Granted it was always my choice to help but coersive controling, using my feelings against me to benefit you and seeing the soul cry within your eyes doesn't really give me a choice to make. Of course I have to help you; I am not a cold hearted bitch. I feel alot and understand your suffering but do not ask me to take on your pain just so that you can have a breather. I deal with enough as is and do not need your added stressors to my life. I have finally gotten myself to the point where my body, mind and soul are in unision and my emotional induced illnesses cease to exsist anymore. I have worked very hard on myself to fix all othe problems that I found within me... coninuously improving myself in every way I know how to and I will not let someone else ruin all of my hard work!
Darkness was already here and then the light showed up to show us what we could be. My past was my darkness and now through the process of transformation I have allowed myself to be in the light, of the light and for the light. Looking at my ugliness and loving it, uinderstanding it and accepting it so that I can be brightened and purified. Dealt with my demons; not running from them or burying them deep inside of myself. I confronted my fears and self doubt and triumphed in the face of adversity. I have earned my right to be able to shine as brightly as I possibly can. Look at your own life... can you say the same thing?
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