3 Simple Words...

...And with a single phrase spoken from his lips
She was paralyzed;
The words that should have meant something special...
Didn't.
Those precious words came out hollow and empty;
Automatic sounding in tone as he carefully pronounced each syllable,
giving away the lie behind the meaning of every gesture he did towards her
3 simple words that are suppose to bring happiness
brought nothing but torment to her heart.
What he didn't realize was that she knew him better than he thought.
All those years standing silently by his side
Watching him;
Observing him
But most importantly listening to what he said.
Hearing the tonal inflections
Watching his body language as he said it
She studied him...
Figured out how to know the difference between his truths,
his lies and the tells that give him away.
So she didn't say those words back to him.
oh no
She just gave him a look and said
"Next time mean it when you say I LOVE YOU
I can always spot your lies...

I Am the Love Within Me

Light and love enfold me,

Surround me, Protect me.

Moving through me as pure energy.

Fueling everything in this universe.

I open myself like the flower blooming for the sun,

Becoming the bliss that fills my heart.

Like a spiritual being trying to break free,
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...
Shining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...
I am the love within me.

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Swords

Swords   (2^nd version of Please Stop… You’re hurting me)

By: Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 1/9/13

 

My love is a single edged sword

Created to protect

To keep safe that which is held dear

To serve the person who wields it obediently

Without harm

Always

Without harm unless betrayed.

Being something to rely on

To trust and depend upon by the person who holds it

An instrument used to pledge your loyalty

Allegiance

Your life, to the one that you love

Or death to the one whom betrays…

 But your sword of love isn’t like mine

It is likened to a double edged sword

One edge that feels my warmth and love

Reciprocating that which I give to you

Yet the other edge is a darker one

An edge that causes pain

Reflected upon and within every movement

Every gesture

Every word as if it’s ingrained in you

Carefully aimed straight at my heart

Waiting to strike

Poised to strike

And repeating to strike till there is nothing left of my heart

 

Now your double edged sword has killed what I value most-

My love for you

Tturning it into a deepening betrayal

That keeps bleeding out pain

You have overstepped your reach

Now this single edged sword that once loved you

Protected you

Who refused to harm you

(Even if that meant her own death)

 Has risen up against you

In order to save what little of herself that she can

Patiently defending herself from your vicious attacks

Waiting for the perfect moment to strike

That which is killing her from the inside

Waiting for you to see the tears

That her heart has been crying out 

Because single edged swords were created to protect the ones they love…

But betrayal is punishable by death.

And you have betrayed that which she holds dear…

Found it!

And with a quick lunge of her sword his chest was pierced

Adding pressure her sword slowly passed thru the ribcage

with tears in her eyes made contact with his heart

Then out threw his back

She slowly twisted her sword upward

Making the slit a complete circle

And as the blood drained out of his heart

Her face reflected that which she felt-

A smile of satisfaction

 with tears of joy.

New Years Resolutions...

I could start out by saying that i'm going to choose to eat healthy or go to the gym more but i won't. This year I want to focus on the things that make me happy- my writings, my heart, and my soul. Looking back on my life i see that i have made bad choices that turned out for the best. In doing so I neglected the things that I wanted out of this life- to be a poet/writer. Gotten away from my schooling  of psychology, astrology and behavioral neuroscience. Even though to most I have nothing and i am nothing due to the fact that I do not have a job, money or a close circle of friends I have myself and faith in myself to survive, succeed and make something of myself. My resolutions are more to do with getting back to myself again; understanding what it is about me that makes others feel comfortable with me so i can be comfortable with the fact that i will always give more than they do. I'm not a taker by nature but i am slowly learning that people will not give me anything in this world unless i step up and take whatever it is that i want. My wants are simple: i wants to be my own boss and create beautiful things that people will purchase whether it being the selling of my poetry. writings or yarn creations. I want to be loved by someone who deserves me (already checked off), have an amazing wardrobe filled with goth +steam punk clothing and to be treated the way that I treat others. This year is going to be about doing things that I need to do for myself. Hopefully this includes traveling and spiritual re-fuelment. 

New Years Reflection...

Well I can't say that I'm sad that 2012 has come to an end!!!!! this was by far the hardest year that I have had to go through up to date. So much unnecessary hurt and heartache have been shoved down my throat that I didn't think that I was going to survive!!! Even though this has been an excruciating painful year 2012 sure has taught me alot. My inner strength has been tested and battle ready, Self-reliance on myself for survival, and I adapted to living in VEGAS!!!! Staved off a divorce, spent months away from Jeff, and retained my child-like innocence!!!! no matter how hard i try to hide the fact (for my own safety and yours) I actually CARE and LOVE people. This year has given me plenty of reasons to dislike people and maybe use the "hate" word. But then I realized something... i understood their thought process. Granted it's faulty logic, i still understood it. People aren't born bad; they are created that way (personally speaking) and sometimes just plain old uneducated. 2012 taught me to tolerate the things that i may not fully get but love and accept them anyways (even if they cause me pain). I learned that my character is strong; being poor is a good way to weed out my true friends and I can still survive heartache while leaving my heart open... that i have faith, hope, integrity and all the things that make me ME!!! Figured out that I have a high tolerance for pain, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of doing what's right. Best part: I still have my positivity and optimism even though i took a sh!tload of a life beating! Good thing the martial arts and meditation helped with that!!! ;) Finally made peace with my f*ed up teen/ early adulthood hell... now i'm grateful that i had to go thru it. That particular hell turns out prepared me for life as I know it. It made me stronger and I am no longer afraid of my past. All in all it was a great learning year!!!

Heartbreaks hurt...

I dislike my heart being broken by my friends... It's too painful and in the last 2 days major heartaches have caused me to face my fear of being an after thought and /or being forgotten about by the people that I care about. It reminds me of childhood and the invisible scars that I carry with me as an adult. I survived my childhood ill survive this... There has only been 1 person/friend/family in this whole entire planet that can get me to care to the point of anger... guess that person is someone that i care about greatly to where i dare say that i love them and didn't realize it. Funny how life works that way...

Yes i was hurt in a way that shouldn't have bothered me but it did. People i seem to be noticing are flaking more and more as the days go by... i can handle being flaked upon but having to wait 24 hours to find out what happened to my friend only to find out they were sick and didn't even bother to tell me? that is something that I do not deal with well. Especially when i'm sitting here thinking that there was a car accident, possibly forgetting that you made plans with me, or that you simply didn't care enough to let me know that you changed your mind which was the right choice. So after the tears finished running down at the fact that my longest friend blew me off, a day to remind them they forgot me which wasn't such a big deal in their head. then they waited 8 days to actually tell me what happened why they didn't realize that they needed to tell me what was going on and that i was the one to over-react. Through all of this they still do not realize how much they hurt me. Then another friend did the exact same thing the next day... at least they realized that they forgot me an hour after the fact which didn't cause an "over-reaction" on my part.

 

I really thought that people were better at understanding that their actions have consequences; that their words carry meaning and whether or not you mean to hurt someone doesn't mean anything if you end up hurting them. I understand that people are loosing their ability to communicate with others and expressing their feelings but come on, on some level they must know that their actions aren't right. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve here but if i say that I'm going to do something i do it. if i cannot then i say so. I do not make excuses for myself or my actions and i hold myself accountable. That is the main problem with people now a days... no one holds themselves accountable and would rather blame others for their mistakes. My heart is in alot of pain and it was definitely stressed during this whole ordeal. I wish that I didn't have to care as much about people... cause it's hard accepting that they do not care about me.    

Xmas Gifts...

Well since I am financially challenged at the moment I decided to make my nieces berets for xmas. I picked out purples and pinks since those are their favorite colors. Each took about 6 and a half hours to make and turned out pretty well! then I made my sister a black one that she absolutely adores!!! Since I have been with Jeff and his family for christmas we decided to celebrate on the 24th which made Keela and Carla very happy!