Birthday Reflections for This Year

According to my astrological solar return my closest time to my actual time of birth astrologically was yesterday, May 20th around 7:27pm. So it wasn't any coincidence that Jeff took matters into his own hands and celebrated my birthday a day early. May 20th happened to be my solar return and Jeff without realizing it fell prey to astrology! Jeff said that he "felt it was the right thing to do because he wanted to truly surprise me to gauge my true reactions to his gifts." Muttering that he also wanted me to have a good day before my birthday to ensure a good experience of my birthday. He is always thinking of me like that...<3 May 20th-The day felt different after he gave me my "gifts"... like I had just opened my eyes for the first time and was really seeing everything the way it should be.My whole way of thinking about life and how I have experienced it has changed for me greatly. Jeff doesn't surprise me; he doesn't like surprises himself and if he has something planned for me he can't keep from telling me what it is! As a Virgo he really doesn't like to be spontaneous; rather he will go with the flow. So my head was swirling around the idea that my perceptions had begun to change... hopeful they changed for the better! Turns out they did! It seemed that I had reached my life long goals: learn to love, to love myself soo much that it poured out to love others. To be loved for who I am unselfishly and unconditionally. After a deep conversation with Jeff it slipped out that I don't have to keep proving that I love him and that I am already his Queen. That I have his approval that I love him better than he lets most people and that now its time to focus somewhere else. At the time I didn't realize just how much hearing those words would cause my whole world to expand... it was like he took the biggest burden off of my heart and soul by telling me how he really felt about me from deep within his soul. The words changed me and my thoughts literally went to other things that never even begin to cross my mind: like growing my nails out to look more feminine, to wearing shoes that have heels, to being more sensual, taking any kind of pleasure out of everything, work, reoccurring income, responsibility, and children! Since I have been taking care of Keela I have come to understand at least to some degree that I want children. Turns out Jeff wants kids with me; just not yet because we don't have a house or enough income for it at the moment. [That isn't fair to the child if we bring them here with nothing to support them on financially; that's irresponsible] He cooked all of my meals; waited on me hand and foot... not cause I asked him to but because he chose to wait on me. Jeff showed me just how much he loves my by his actions towards me and it gave me a huge kind of confidence that I have not felt for a long while. It was the kind of confidence when you know that someone has your back; if you fall down or stumble someone will be there to pick you back up. Jeff isn't my father but he is a male that gave me approval and provided the closure that I needed from my father so my burden of grief has been significantly lightened! It was like he acknowledged that I'm not perfect but I am as perfect as I am ever going to be as me! That i make mistakes and have flaws but he still loves me and enjoys providing for me. Jeff takes care of my every need; most of my wants and rarely my desires because he wants to. He enjoys making me happy... the feeling he gets when I look at him and smile in a genuine ear to ear grin of appreciation and do my happy dance is what he lives for! He has an over predatory-like need to protect me at all times and rarely leaves my side for longer than he has to. I am Jeff's world and have earned his respect and deserve all of the chivalry that he gives to me through his acts of love. I do not manipulate him or force him to do things for me; he found out how much the power of love can heal and transform you into a better person. We transformed each other and our relationship keeps getting better everyday! Why is this blog about Jeff so far and not about my bday reflections you wonder? Jeff is the reason that I grew into the person I am as of today! If it wasn't for his love and nurturing affect that he had on me my goals would be still heartfelt wishes. I wouldn't be able to think about the future with him; instead I would have been stuck in a traumatic past that wouldn't be let go of. Due to his love and trust of me I am know able to pursue more practical things within my life that will lead me onto the road that is my path to take. To be the person that I am suppose to be... that's starts this year! May 21st-
I woke up at 6:55am and waited for 3 mins till it was my birthday and sang happy birthday to me then went back to sleep. My sister Kristin called to wish me a happy bday and put Keela on the phone to listen to me explain that its Auntie Ashlee's birthday and she was all wide-eyed and attentive to my words. Then Ashley called and I was even happier... when Jeff and i finally woke up he greeted me with a happy birthday and a smile. Today was such a gorgeous day; not too warm and not too cold. IT was a perfect day and it felt perfect just like it was suppose to be... people weren't upset today and the world felt right on track for once. Even Max, an ex of mine, wished me a happy birthday...

All and all it was a good birthday experience all because of Jeff and his gut instincts...

The Hardest Week of The Year for Me...

As you all know this week is my birthday- the big 27 years of age... what many of you do not know is that this week also signifies my father's death anniversary. May 21st is the day that I came into this world and May 22nd is the day that my father died. Even though this even happened over 8 years ago this is a very sensitive time for me; it's the only time that I truly let my guard down and expose my pain for all to see.

Since I do not know how long you have been following my blog I'll try to start from the beginning to give you a full understanding of what I am going through. My father wanted my mother to abort me when she found out that she was pregnant with me. He was already 43 and my mother was 40 at the time of my arrival into this world. According to all of the "big wig" doctors if my mother carried me to term there was a high probability that I would come out with down syndrome or have an open spine. my father did not want to risk it but my mother being a devout catholic stood up to my father, defying him and decided to keep me. Of course I turned out to be normal [thank God!] but it caused a rift between my parents that only grew bigger as time went on.

My 2 sisters Judy, Kristin and my brother Michael were already respectively 14 1/2, 12 and 10. Then I come into their lives and for some reason all hell broke loose between my father and I. I do not know if it was jealousy or that he felt that he needed to compete for my mother's love or what but as a Capricorn he felt threatened by my presence in this family. From the ages of 0-3years my father was considered the "dominant/power parent." It was him that made all of the decisions; him who held all of the power within our family and I admired him and adored him. Unfortunately, this was only one-sided because he do not return those feelings to me. In fact, my father was afraid of getting too close to me; calling me names as "demon- spawn", "unlovable" and telling me to "put my horns back inside" He was the only person that I truly feared; he was the one that dealt out my corporal punishment whenever I did something that he didn't approve of. Whether it was wrong or right.

I was a Gemini who was being punished for no other reason than I merely existed; that was enough for him to loose his temper. Around him I wasn't allowed to speak unless I was spoken to first, could not question him on any of the things that told me, and was told that I always needed to be a " dutiful daughter; respect and obey him at all times. It was what the commandments said!" He had a 2" thick black leather belt that used to deal out my punishments; my mother would be at work when he did this. I was told to not say a word and accept my beating and to take it like a man. A lot of people wondered why i can handle such abuse from people; this is why.

After one incident in particular my mother walked through the door just in time to see him grab me and start in on me with the belt. She stepped in to protect me telling him to never again touch any of her children in that manner. Turns out that I was the only one that had the pleasure of getting this treatment.He told my mother, "Fine Karen, from this point on she's your responsibility; I wash my hands of her... you can deal with her!" She did. That was the last time that he referred to me as his flesh and blood. He wouldn't speak my name; didn't bother to look at me and this crushed me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong to deserve this from him and yet I was disowned by my own father. Judy, Kristin and Michael did not receive the same treatment from my father as I did. They were the family unit; i was just the outsider that didn't belong with them.

This went so far as to pretend that I didn't even exist. He would tell my mother "to tell her daughter that she is soulless, hallow and no one outside of family could ever love her!" I was standing less than 3 feet away from him as he would be saying such things. Even negative attention was better than none at all; so that is what I took from him. He blamed me for his marriage failing with my mother; the reason that he had to sleep on the couch. Blamed me for everything that went bad in his life because it wasn't until I entered this world that he lost everything. I just wanted his approval and love; maybe some attention and affection from him. That win or loose i could just be his daughter and that it was okay to be that... I was denied that till the day that he died. I pushed myself very hard to be the best at everything that I did just so that he would take notice of me; maybe even give me a compliment or tell me that he loved me. I would show him the things that I accomplished and he wouldn't even bother looking at them; just mutter underneath his breath, "an A- isn't an A++ get out of my face with that inferior piece of work!" I kept trying though to be the daughter that he wanted me to be but again I was denied any type of love from him.

During those years I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible so that I wouldn't upset him and have him yell at me, demean me or belittle me. All I had to do was to make a noise and that would set him off. Of course I would scream back and defend myself; he just used that against me and it added more fuel to the flame. Since my mother worked during the day I was left to suffer at my fathers hand for most of the day. He would tell me "NO because i said so"; when pressed he would answer, "cause I am your father and I reserve the right to say NO all of the time!" if I continued he would simply turn up the volume on the t.v. till my voice was drowned out. My mother had to bribe him to spend time with me and to be nicer towards me... but he couldn't. Everything about me just pissed him off too much for him to deal with me.

As time went on my Nana did her best to protect me from him; she was the only one that my father was afraid of and Nana took care care of me while my mother was at work. She was my guardian angel and if it wasn't for her my father could have quite possibly have killed me. My mother was sure on that. He treated me like a slave; this is why I am such a quiet person to this day; silently moving through the house without making any sound cause of his "lessons" that I had to learn. My only reprieve was school. Escaping into the the study lessons of school... how wrong was that. I still carry these scars with me into adulthood; learning how to be invisible and yet know more that I let on.

Weakness was never an option. Anger was never to be shown. The prince by Makaveli was what my father raised me with. that was his gift to me and it was a very cruel lesson to be taught. I became his whipping girl despite my mother and grandmother's attempts to shield me. I accepted my fate with him cause I knew that one day it would end... it had to end right? 19 years we were under the same roof; 6,935 days in a row of abuse: physical, mental and emotional. I endured that... the physical marks have long left me but the psyche has been imprinted with my father's dominant influence over me and there isn't much i can do about that except understand it and live with it. About half way through this abuse I was finally told that my father had been suffering from mini strokes and developed sleep apnea. that the reason for all of my torment was because the personality part of his brain was what got struck during those mini strokes. So after finding out that I knew about his condition the abuse escalated and he began to lash out at my mother and me... by this time my older siblings were already off to college and I was left alone with all of his negative emotions. I resented the hell out of him; everything that i accomplished was never good enough; never right and I had to be punished for not being perfect.

It wasn't just enough for him to break me he had to make sure that all of the things that I loved were taken away from me so that I couldn't survive. I had to hide anything that brought me great joy in life or else he would destroy it. hide my Halloween candy so that he wouldn't go into a diabetic comma and become the adult when he acted like a child. I had to forgive this man, my father for all of the horrible things that he did to me because he was ill. that was a very hard pill for me to swallow; but he was my father and I loved even after all of his negative projection onto me. He was the only father that I knew and so I would wake up from deep sleep when I would hear him stop snoring and poke his toes to get him to start breathing again. During the night he would have more mini strokes and continually stop breathing. I would be the one to start him back up again. I was my father's daughter; hardened by his hatred, molded by his harassment of me and cold due to his cruelness of withholding love from me. Yet through all of this I still worshiped him; wanted to be like him: strong, powerful, worldly, spiritual, highly intelligent, entrepreneur, and make an impact on this world in the ways that he did. I never wanted to hate my daddy; it was quite the opposite. Most people i explain this to do not understand my complex dealings with regard to my father... he took a lot of things away from me, but he gave me the person that I am today and for that I am grateful. My pain stems from the fact that he never loved me because he was scared of me; that even on his death bed he couldn't tell me that he loved me. That he could never walk me down the altar or see my child when that time comes. I have a great big hole in my soul from all the things that I couldn't share with him; the experiences that I do not have him in. Cause I miss him; even though he was an asshole to me I missed out on getting to know him. There is so much of him inside of me that I will never get a chance to ask him about. That if he was here to see the person that I turned out to become would he love me now?

He died without being able to communicate; his brain was working but he couldn't speak in a way that we could understand. the words came out all jumbled and finally let his last breath out holding Judy and Michael's hand in his. The official cause of death is a stroke on his brain stem... my mother and I were not present when he passed; he wanted it that way. He passed without me getting any closure or any explanations of his actions towards me; which hurts but what can you do... he chose to go the day after my birthday and that is what he choose; you can ask Judy if you do not believe me.

Now that my hair is natural I look more like him than usual and when I look in the mirror I see his face staring back at me; I can still hear his hurtful words towards me and all of the things that he took away from me because, "black people don't do that," or ," it's just a waste of time; you're not very good at it!" Sometimes Jeff inadvertently says things that my father said to me... normally I can take this and much more but this week those things will reduce me to tears; and i am left feeling that great big hole inside of me. Reminding me that my birthday celebrates the life that I received at the cost of my parents love and the 1 death that tore my family apart the day afterwards.

There is a lot more that I am leaving out; frankly I do not have the energy to convey all of the feelings that I am conflicted with at this moment in time... you get the gist of it so this will have to suffice as an explanation of my behavior since Friday...

This Too Shall Pass...

There are some types of pain that cannot be put into words... pain that has been imprinted on you and ingrained in you for so long that all you can do is make guttural sounds to express yourself accurately. So many things that I wish I could express about my past that have happened to me but words cannot convey them; nor describe them. These types of pain can only be felt and absorbed bypassing words altogether.

Pain is something that I know very well; emotionally. Mentally I have gone through it as well; psychical pain was the easiest to deal with... those scars disappear over time. The other 2 do not disappear with time as usual scars do; they linger never really going away. they just heal when they are good and ready to. Or so I thought; that was I was told anyways... everything that goes on around you is a constant reminder that the pain is now a part of you; it has become you. It can be managed; but it never truly heals.

How does one tell someone who hasn't had that type of experience with pain? who went through shit that you didn't go through & express how you feel when they have no point of reference? When you try to tell them "your" experience and all they do is turn the conversation onto themselves and their pain. It isn't about them or their pain; you not asking for them to talk... you are asking for them to listen without opening their mouths. but sometimes people do not understand that there is a time and place to share your experiences and there is also a time to just listen. I needed someone to listen to me; not as a shrink but as a friend. Someone who would understand just enough to give assurance; not to be selfish enough to compare their pain with me. normally, that is what you do in that situation; you share to become closer and to create a stronger bond. not in this case..." I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself-"

So if it was a "cry for help" as you put it you weren't listening anyways because you got mad at me and turned hostile telling me "not to send those types of messages out there unless you are willing to talk about it!." How can I talk about such things if you won't respect me enough to let me tell you in my own time; that the things that I am going through are such that it takes me a while to put the things in perspective to be explained. that there are certain things that I can discuss and was discussing with you till you turned defensive towards me and tried to force me to reveal everything to you... that isn't right and that isn't what friends do to one another. Yet she is mad at me for not opening up completely when I asked her not to ask me about it and she did anyways. Cuz it wasn't enough for her to let me convey my sentiments and tell her that I would explain things to her fully at a later date. when she is going through something I wait for her to tell me and if she doesn't I do not press; she did not extend the same courtesy to me it seems...

No More Masks... My Inner Sterngth is Freed!

Got in touch w/ my inner strength 2day... I'm who I am & if u can't handle me then go f*ck yourself & grow a pair! Your insecurity's ugly...

I am tired of people trying to put me in my place... I am a nice, kind and caring person but when you push me I'll push back and you won't like it; especially if you are a weak-minded, insecure person who puts others down to make yourself feel better. Unlike most people, I have no selfish intentions/motivations to be there for you. There is no angle or manipulation when it comes to my giving or my friendship. [Although most people think that since I am so nice that I am secretly planning to hurt you but time proves that it isn't the case=)]

Can't help the fact that I am a strong minded individual that reflects on life instead of the misery that it causes. I am defiant, reluctant and if need be cold in order to prove my points. Because people do not really believe that I am nice... and as a result have taken advantage of me so much that I loose my composure. Some have called me a nutcase, a basket case and straight up psycho... so what if I had to go to a psych ward it was because I was driven insane by INSECURE WEAK-MINDED males who blamed/punished me for just being myself! Again, doctors have told me that I am not crazy; far from it. How would you react if you were backed into a corner and trying to be coaxed out with kind, sweet words with a treat and as soon as you relax and accept the treat you get beat down for it! Standing up for myself is what normal people do and yet for some reason I am not allowed to do the same for myself.

You can beat me, abuse me, talk shit about me, rape me, give me a STD and attempt to break me but I am still here laughing at you because after all of the shit that I have taken from you I can look you in your eyes and say, "is that all you got!?!" The look on your face is all of the satisfaction that I need. No one can extinguish my inner flame; yet people still try like hell to snuff me. I learned as a child what the meaning of being the whipping girl means and there is no one on this earth that can force me to break. Ex-Boyfriends have tried and tried because I make them realize that they are pieces of shit; that through my actions towards them they see just how ugly they truly are. One has even recently thanked me for my role that I played in his life. Even going so far as to apologize to me for his behavior and was grateful that I taught him what it meant to actually love...

Yes, I am a force to be reckoned with... once I enter your life you are changed forever; good or bad. I am elemental in my being for I know that I am a spiritual being in cased in a human body. Normally I will not call you out of your bullshit; it freaks too many people out. Cause I understand that people have a need to keep their masks fully intact and crumble if they are exposed for who they truly are. I do not like to meet your mask or as I like to call it "your representative." I can see into your soul whether you want me to or not... I just won't tell you until I have to. The things that you hide are the things that I pick up on first... like the mirror that you refuse to look at yourself in. I do not lie to you so if you aren't ready to hear the truth that is accurate then please for your sake do not ask!

I know myself better than you could ever hope to; because I make a 200% effort each and everyday to discover what it means to be Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay... to know the why behind my actions so that I can be the best version of me that I can. I study myself to understand where all the things that constitute as me come from. Just because you cannot comprehend me doesn't mean that you have the right to make me surrender to your will.

My exes will admit that I am a pain in the ass... I know what I want and if you cannot give it to me then we have issues.[ Not money; I've never wanted that from them: just to consider me and treat me like an equal... and to love me for who I am; not what I do for you!] When I was each of them I really thought that it was my fault but now I have come to learn that it was all them; Jeff was the one that pointed it out to me... Jeff can deal with me and I haven't changed. My goals in the relationship are still the same and we have been together for 3+ years...Jeff thinks the world of me and gives me everything that I have ever wanted and more just by being a STRONG MAN who is confidently secure in himself!

Absent due to Spiritual Growth...

Sorry for being gone for so long... I have been in the midst of having a huge spiritual/ emotional. mental/ psychical growth spurt. My life has always been in a constant struggle of: being the best version of me that I can be and everyone else who tries to deterr me from my true goals in life. As a child it was my father's strictness and his limiting outpouring of love that kept me caged up in every way...
I was a mere shell of the person that I was suppose to be. Then my mother added to it by not encouraging me to follow my dreams and be a creative talent. They both thought that I was just a day dreamer and wouldn't amount to anything in that capacity. It was my grandmother who knew better and tried to cultivate all of my artistic endeavors... like all children I was told later after her death that I "had to put away all of my childish toys" including my artistic abilities.

Till now I have still lived with all of my childhood scars and didn't really understand how badly my parents influence had spread. I am a shell of a person because I didn't understand that I could defy them and be the artist that I am. when you are told enough times to do what you are told you do. All of the things I was good at I had to give up for the betterment of others. something that I am still bitterly hostile over because I didn't know any better to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying to ensure that my parents liked me enough to deal with me. Deep down I knew that when i entered this world I destroyed my parent's relationship. It was always a tug-of-war with them in order to deal with me.

As I was reading my solar return early... something inside of me told me to look at it; I had the feeling that I wasn't learning the things that I needed to be learning. My hunch was right; it told me that I needed to overcome my shadowy past and embrace my true self and begin to shine. something that I have been reluctant to do since as a child I was picked on as a result. I didn't realize that my inner light shines so brightly that it casts shadows upon others which is why they treated me so poorly. I wasn't doing it on purpose; I was just being myself and that has always been the problem. There is so much negative programming within me that I convince myself to fail or that I would fail and stopped taking any type of risks in my life. I am done sacrificing myself just so that others can feel better about themselves around me; done with dimming myself so that others look brighter within my presence.

I gave up everything that I have ever cared about just to have peace of mind in life... to be left alone form other people's insecurities and them being projected onto me. For my so called friends I have taken on their problems as if they were my own just to be accepted by them... and for what? When I need them the most they are gone. Jeff explained that as an adult friendships are quite different then when you were younger; now if you do not have anything to offer or be used for then adult friends do not want anything to do with you. There has to be something in it for them to continue to be their friend. If not, you are considered a burden and there for discard able.

Since people have been so cruel to me and have left me high and dry when I do succeed in an "adult way" I will not let them know and pretend that they do not exist. Cause in essence they weren't really true friends in the first place. So in one instance my heart is thoroughly broken that when you become an adult everything has to change in the relationship dynamics that used to be so simple and are not anymore. Guess its the Gemini in me but friendship is a friendship sort of like marriage where you are there for each other no matter what! Then again, I am a idealist at heart and think that the way in which I operate is universal for everyone else.