As you all know this week is my birthday- the big 27 years of age... what many of you do not know is that this week also signifies my father's death anniversary. May 21st is the day that I came into this world and May 22nd is the day that my father died. Even though this even happened over 8 years ago this is a very sensitive time for me; it's the only time that I truly let my guard down and expose my pain for all to see.
Since I do not know how long you have been following my blog I'll try to start from the beginning to give you a full understanding of what I am going through. My father wanted my mother to abort me when she found out that she was pregnant with me. He was already 43 and my mother was 40 at the time of my arrival into this world. According to all of the "big wig" doctors if my mother carried me to term there was a high probability that I would come out with down syndrome or have an open spine. my father did not want to risk it but my mother being a devout catholic stood up to my father, defying him and decided to keep me. Of course I turned out to be normal [thank God!] but it caused a rift between my parents that only grew bigger as time went on.
My 2 sisters Judy, Kristin and my brother Michael were already respectively 14 1/2, 12 and 10. Then I come into their lives and for some reason all hell broke loose between my father and I. I do not know if it was jealousy or that he felt that he needed to compete for my mother's love or what but as a Capricorn he felt threatened by my presence in this family. From the ages of 0-3years my father was considered the "dominant/power parent." It was him that made all of the decisions; him who held all of the power within our family and I admired him and adored him. Unfortunately, this was only one-sided because he do not return those feelings to me. In fact, my father was afraid of getting too close to me; calling me names as "demon- spawn", "unlovable" and telling me to "put my horns back inside" He was the only person that I truly feared; he was the one that dealt out my corporal punishment whenever I did something that he didn't approve of. Whether it was wrong or right.
I was a Gemini who was being punished for no other reason than I merely existed; that was enough for him to loose his temper. Around him I wasn't allowed to speak unless I was spoken to first, could not question him on any of the things that told me, and was told that I always needed to be a " dutiful daughter; respect and obey him at all times. It was what the commandments said!" He had a 2" thick black leather belt that used to deal out my punishments; my mother would be at work when he did this. I was told to not say a word and accept my beating and to take it like a man. A lot of people wondered why i can handle such abuse from people; this is why.
After one incident in particular my mother walked through the door just in time to see him grab me and start in on me with the belt. She stepped in to protect me telling him to never again touch any of her children in that manner. Turns out that I was the only one that had the pleasure of getting this treatment.He told my mother, "Fine Karen, from this point on she's your responsibility; I wash my hands of her... you can deal with her!" She did. That was the last time that he referred to me as his flesh and blood. He wouldn't speak my name; didn't bother to look at me and this crushed me. I didn't understand what I had done wrong to deserve this from him and yet I was disowned by my own father. Judy, Kristin and Michael did not receive the same treatment from my father as I did. They were the family unit; i was just the outsider that didn't belong with them.
This went so far as to pretend that I didn't even exist. He would tell my mother "to tell her daughter that she is soulless, hallow and no one outside of family could ever love her!" I was standing less than 3 feet away from him as he would be saying such things. Even negative attention was better than none at all; so that is what I took from him. He blamed me for his marriage failing with my mother; the reason that he had to sleep on the couch. Blamed me for everything that went bad in his life because it wasn't until I entered this world that he lost everything. I just wanted his approval and love; maybe some attention and affection from him. That win or loose i could just be his daughter and that it was okay to be that... I was denied that till the day that he died. I pushed myself very hard to be the best at everything that I did just so that he would take notice of me; maybe even give me a compliment or tell me that he loved me. I would show him the things that I accomplished and he wouldn't even bother looking at them; just mutter underneath his breath, "an A- isn't an A++ get out of my face with that inferior piece of work!" I kept trying though to be the daughter that he wanted me to be but again I was denied any type of love from him.
During those years I tried to stay out of his way as much as possible so that I wouldn't upset him and have him yell at me, demean me or belittle me. All I had to do was to make a noise and that would set him off. Of course I would scream back and defend myself; he just used that against me and it added more fuel to the flame. Since my mother worked during the day I was left to suffer at my fathers hand for most of the day. He would tell me "NO because i said so"; when pressed he would answer, "cause I am your father and I reserve the right to say NO all of the time!" if I continued he would simply turn up the volume on the t.v. till my voice was drowned out. My mother had to bribe him to spend time with me and to be nicer towards me... but he couldn't. Everything about me just pissed him off too much for him to deal with me.
As time went on my Nana did her best to protect me from him; she was the only one that my father was afraid of and Nana took care care of me while my mother was at work. She was my guardian angel and if it wasn't for her my father could have quite possibly have killed me. My mother was sure on that. He treated me like a slave; this is why I am such a quiet person to this day; silently moving through the house without making any sound cause of his "lessons" that I had to learn. My only reprieve was school. Escaping into the the study lessons of school... how wrong was that. I still carry these scars with me into adulthood; learning how to be invisible and yet know more that I let on.
Weakness was never an option. Anger was never to be shown. The prince by Makaveli was what my father raised me with. that was his gift to me and it was a very cruel lesson to be taught. I became his whipping girl despite my mother and grandmother's attempts to shield me. I accepted my fate with him cause I knew that one day it would end... it had to end right? 19 years we were under the same roof; 6,935 days in a row of abuse: physical, mental and emotional. I endured that... the physical marks have long left me but the psyche has been imprinted with my father's dominant influence over me and there isn't much i can do about that except understand it and live with it. About half way through this abuse I was finally told that my father had been suffering from mini strokes and developed sleep apnea. that the reason for all of my torment was because the personality part of his brain was what got struck during those mini strokes. So after finding out that I knew about his condition the abuse escalated and he began to lash out at my mother and me... by this time my older siblings were already off to college and I was left alone with all of his negative emotions. I resented the hell out of him; everything that i accomplished was never good enough; never right and I had to be punished for not being perfect.
It wasn't just enough for him to break me he had to make sure that all of the things that I loved were taken away from me so that I couldn't survive. I had to hide anything that brought me great joy in life or else he would destroy it. hide my Halloween candy so that he wouldn't go into a diabetic comma and become the adult when he acted like a child. I had to forgive this man, my father for all of the horrible things that he did to me because he was ill. that was a very hard pill for me to swallow; but he was my father and I loved even after all of his negative projection onto me. He was the only father that I knew and so I would wake up from deep sleep when I would hear him stop snoring and poke his toes to get him to start breathing again. During the night he would have more mini strokes and continually stop breathing. I would be the one to start him back up again. I was my father's daughter; hardened by his hatred, molded by his harassment of me and cold due to his cruelness of withholding love from me. Yet through all of this I still worshiped him; wanted to be like him: strong, powerful, worldly, spiritual, highly intelligent, entrepreneur, and make an impact on this world in the ways that he did. I never wanted to hate my daddy; it was quite the opposite. Most people i explain this to do not understand my complex dealings with regard to my father... he took a lot of things away from me, but he gave me the person that I am today and for that I am grateful. My pain stems from the fact that he never loved me because he was scared of me; that even on his death bed he couldn't tell me that he loved me. That he could never walk me down the altar or see my child when that time comes. I have a great big hole in my soul from all the things that I couldn't share with him; the experiences that I do not have him in. Cause I miss him; even though he was an asshole to me I missed out on getting to know him. There is so much of him inside of me that I will never get a chance to ask him about. That if he was here to see the person that I turned out to become would he love me now?
He died without being able to communicate; his brain was working but he couldn't speak in a way that we could understand. the words came out all jumbled and finally let his last breath out holding Judy and Michael's hand in his. The official cause of death is a stroke on his brain stem... my mother and I were not present when he passed; he wanted it that way. He passed without me getting any closure or any explanations of his actions towards me; which hurts but what can you do... he chose to go the day after my birthday and that is what he choose; you can ask Judy if you do not believe me.
Now that my hair is natural I look more like him than usual and when I look in the mirror I see his face staring back at me; I can still hear his hurtful words towards me and all of the things that he took away from me because, "black people don't do that," or ," it's just a waste of time; you're not very good at it!" Sometimes Jeff inadvertently says things that my father said to me... normally I can take this and much more but this week those things will reduce me to tears; and i am left feeling that great big hole inside of me. Reminding me that my birthday celebrates the life that I received at the cost of my parents love and the 1 death that tore my family apart the day afterwards.
There is a lot more that I am leaving out; frankly I do not have the energy to convey all of the feelings that I am conflicted with at this moment in time... you get the gist of it so this will have to suffice as an explanation of my behavior since Friday...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
This Too Shall Pass...
There are some types of pain that cannot be put into words... pain that has been imprinted on you and ingrained in you for so long that all you can do is make guttural sounds to express yourself accurately. So many things that I wish I could express about my past that have happened to me but words cannot convey them; nor describe them. These types of pain can only be felt and absorbed bypassing words altogether.
Pain is something that I know very well; emotionally. Mentally I have gone through it as well; psychical pain was the easiest to deal with... those scars disappear over time. The other 2 do not disappear with time as usual scars do; they linger never really going away. they just heal when they are good and ready to. Or so I thought; that was I was told anyways... everything that goes on around you is a constant reminder that the pain is now a part of you; it has become you. It can be managed; but it never truly heals.
How does one tell someone who hasn't had that type of experience with pain? who went through shit that you didn't go through & express how you feel when they have no point of reference? When you try to tell them "your" experience and all they do is turn the conversation onto themselves and their pain. It isn't about them or their pain; you not asking for them to talk... you are asking for them to listen without opening their mouths. but sometimes people do not understand that there is a time and place to share your experiences and there is also a time to just listen. I needed someone to listen to me; not as a shrink but as a friend. Someone who would understand just enough to give assurance; not to be selfish enough to compare their pain with me. normally, that is what you do in that situation; you share to become closer and to create a stronger bond. not in this case..." I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself-"
So if it was a "cry for help" as you put it you weren't listening anyways because you got mad at me and turned hostile telling me "not to send those types of messages out there unless you are willing to talk about it!." How can I talk about such things if you won't respect me enough to let me tell you in my own time; that the things that I am going through are such that it takes me a while to put the things in perspective to be explained. that there are certain things that I can discuss and was discussing with you till you turned defensive towards me and tried to force me to reveal everything to you... that isn't right and that isn't what friends do to one another. Yet she is mad at me for not opening up completely when I asked her not to ask me about it and she did anyways. Cuz it wasn't enough for her to let me convey my sentiments and tell her that I would explain things to her fully at a later date. when she is going through something I wait for her to tell me and if she doesn't I do not press; she did not extend the same courtesy to me it seems...
Pain is something that I know very well; emotionally. Mentally I have gone through it as well; psychical pain was the easiest to deal with... those scars disappear over time. The other 2 do not disappear with time as usual scars do; they linger never really going away. they just heal when they are good and ready to. Or so I thought; that was I was told anyways... everything that goes on around you is a constant reminder that the pain is now a part of you; it has become you. It can be managed; but it never truly heals.
How does one tell someone who hasn't had that type of experience with pain? who went through shit that you didn't go through & express how you feel when they have no point of reference? When you try to tell them "your" experience and all they do is turn the conversation onto themselves and their pain. It isn't about them or their pain; you not asking for them to talk... you are asking for them to listen without opening their mouths. but sometimes people do not understand that there is a time and place to share your experiences and there is also a time to just listen. I needed someone to listen to me; not as a shrink but as a friend. Someone who would understand just enough to give assurance; not to be selfish enough to compare their pain with me. normally, that is what you do in that situation; you share to become closer and to create a stronger bond. not in this case..." I just needed someone to talk to you were just too busy with yourself-"
So if it was a "cry for help" as you put it you weren't listening anyways because you got mad at me and turned hostile telling me "not to send those types of messages out there unless you are willing to talk about it!." How can I talk about such things if you won't respect me enough to let me tell you in my own time; that the things that I am going through are such that it takes me a while to put the things in perspective to be explained. that there are certain things that I can discuss and was discussing with you till you turned defensive towards me and tried to force me to reveal everything to you... that isn't right and that isn't what friends do to one another. Yet she is mad at me for not opening up completely when I asked her not to ask me about it and she did anyways. Cuz it wasn't enough for her to let me convey my sentiments and tell her that I would explain things to her fully at a later date. when she is going through something I wait for her to tell me and if she doesn't I do not press; she did not extend the same courtesy to me it seems...
Thursday, May 14, 2009
No More Masks... My Inner Sterngth is Freed!
Got in touch w/ my inner strength 2day... I'm who I am & if u can't handle me then go f*ck yourself & grow a pair! Your insecurity's ugly...
I am tired of people trying to put me in my place... I am a nice, kind and caring person but when you push me I'll push back and you won't like it; especially if you are a weak-minded, insecure person who puts others down to make yourself feel better. Unlike most people, I have no selfish intentions/motivations to be there for you. There is no angle or manipulation when it comes to my giving or my friendship. [Although most people think that since I am so nice that I am secretly planning to hurt you but time proves that it isn't the case=)]
Can't help the fact that I am a strong minded individual that reflects on life instead of the misery that it causes. I am defiant, reluctant and if need be cold in order to prove my points. Because people do not really believe that I am nice... and as a result have taken advantage of me so much that I loose my composure. Some have called me a nutcase, a basket case and straight up psycho... so what if I had to go to a psych ward it was because I was driven insane by INSECURE WEAK-MINDED males who blamed/punished me for just being myself! Again, doctors have told me that I am not crazy; far from it. How would you react if you were backed into a corner and trying to be coaxed out with kind, sweet words with a treat and as soon as you relax and accept the treat you get beat down for it! Standing up for myself is what normal people do and yet for some reason I am not allowed to do the same for myself.
You can beat me, abuse me, talk shit about me, rape me, give me a STD and attempt to break me but I am still here laughing at you because after all of the shit that I have taken from you I can look you in your eyes and say, "is that all you got!?!" The look on your face is all of the satisfaction that I need. No one can extinguish my inner flame; yet people still try like hell to snuff me. I learned as a child what the meaning of being the whipping girl means and there is no one on this earth that can force me to break. Ex-Boyfriends have tried and tried because I make them realize that they are pieces of shit; that through my actions towards them they see just how ugly they truly are. One has even recently thanked me for my role that I played in his life. Even going so far as to apologize to me for his behavior and was grateful that I taught him what it meant to actually love...
Yes, I am a force to be reckoned with... once I enter your life you are changed forever; good or bad. I am elemental in my being for I know that I am a spiritual being in cased in a human body. Normally I will not call you out of your bullshit; it freaks too many people out. Cause I understand that people have a need to keep their masks fully intact and crumble if they are exposed for who they truly are. I do not like to meet your mask or as I like to call it "your representative." I can see into your soul whether you want me to or not... I just won't tell you until I have to. The things that you hide are the things that I pick up on first... like the mirror that you refuse to look at yourself in. I do not lie to you so if you aren't ready to hear the truth that is accurate then please for your sake do not ask!
I know myself better than you could ever hope to; because I make a 200% effort each and everyday to discover what it means to be Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay... to know the why behind my actions so that I can be the best version of me that I can. I study myself to understand where all the things that constitute as me come from. Just because you cannot comprehend me doesn't mean that you have the right to make me surrender to your will.
My exes will admit that I am a pain in the ass... I know what I want and if you cannot give it to me then we have issues.[ Not money; I've never wanted that from them: just to consider me and treat me like an equal... and to love me for who I am; not what I do for you!] When I was each of them I really thought that it was my fault but now I have come to learn that it was all them; Jeff was the one that pointed it out to me... Jeff can deal with me and I haven't changed. My goals in the relationship are still the same and we have been together for 3+ years...Jeff thinks the world of me and gives me everything that I have ever wanted and more just by being a STRONG MAN who is confidently secure in himself!
I am tired of people trying to put me in my place... I am a nice, kind and caring person but when you push me I'll push back and you won't like it; especially if you are a weak-minded, insecure person who puts others down to make yourself feel better. Unlike most people, I have no selfish intentions/motivations to be there for you. There is no angle or manipulation when it comes to my giving or my friendship. [Although most people think that since I am so nice that I am secretly planning to hurt you but time proves that it isn't the case=)]
Can't help the fact that I am a strong minded individual that reflects on life instead of the misery that it causes. I am defiant, reluctant and if need be cold in order to prove my points. Because people do not really believe that I am nice... and as a result have taken advantage of me so much that I loose my composure. Some have called me a nutcase, a basket case and straight up psycho... so what if I had to go to a psych ward it was because I was driven insane by INSECURE WEAK-MINDED males who blamed/punished me for just being myself! Again, doctors have told me that I am not crazy; far from it. How would you react if you were backed into a corner and trying to be coaxed out with kind, sweet words with a treat and as soon as you relax and accept the treat you get beat down for it! Standing up for myself is what normal people do and yet for some reason I am not allowed to do the same for myself.
You can beat me, abuse me, talk shit about me, rape me, give me a STD and attempt to break me but I am still here laughing at you because after all of the shit that I have taken from you I can look you in your eyes and say, "is that all you got!?!" The look on your face is all of the satisfaction that I need. No one can extinguish my inner flame; yet people still try like hell to snuff me. I learned as a child what the meaning of being the whipping girl means and there is no one on this earth that can force me to break. Ex-Boyfriends have tried and tried because I make them realize that they are pieces of shit; that through my actions towards them they see just how ugly they truly are. One has even recently thanked me for my role that I played in his life. Even going so far as to apologize to me for his behavior and was grateful that I taught him what it meant to actually love...
Yes, I am a force to be reckoned with... once I enter your life you are changed forever; good or bad. I am elemental in my being for I know that I am a spiritual being in cased in a human body. Normally I will not call you out of your bullshit; it freaks too many people out. Cause I understand that people have a need to keep their masks fully intact and crumble if they are exposed for who they truly are. I do not like to meet your mask or as I like to call it "your representative." I can see into your soul whether you want me to or not... I just won't tell you until I have to. The things that you hide are the things that I pick up on first... like the mirror that you refuse to look at yourself in. I do not lie to you so if you aren't ready to hear the truth that is accurate then please for your sake do not ask!
I know myself better than you could ever hope to; because I make a 200% effort each and everyday to discover what it means to be Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay... to know the why behind my actions so that I can be the best version of me that I can. I study myself to understand where all the things that constitute as me come from. Just because you cannot comprehend me doesn't mean that you have the right to make me surrender to your will.
My exes will admit that I am a pain in the ass... I know what I want and if you cannot give it to me then we have issues.[ Not money; I've never wanted that from them: just to consider me and treat me like an equal... and to love me for who I am; not what I do for you!] When I was each of them I really thought that it was my fault but now I have come to learn that it was all them; Jeff was the one that pointed it out to me... Jeff can deal with me and I haven't changed. My goals in the relationship are still the same and we have been together for 3+ years...Jeff thinks the world of me and gives me everything that I have ever wanted and more just by being a STRONG MAN who is confidently secure in himself!
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Absent due to Spiritual Growth...
Sorry for being gone for so long... I have been in the midst of having a huge spiritual/ emotional. mental/ psychical growth spurt. My life has always been in a constant struggle of: being the best version of me that I can be and everyone else who tries to deterr me from my true goals in life. As a child it was my father's strictness and his limiting outpouring of love that kept me caged up in every way...
I was a mere shell of the person that I was suppose to be. Then my mother added to it by not encouraging me to follow my dreams and be a creative talent. They both thought that I was just a day dreamer and wouldn't amount to anything in that capacity. It was my grandmother who knew better and tried to cultivate all of my artistic endeavors... like all children I was told later after her death that I "had to put away all of my childish toys" including my artistic abilities.
Till now I have still lived with all of my childhood scars and didn't really understand how badly my parents influence had spread. I am a shell of a person because I didn't understand that I could defy them and be the artist that I am. when you are told enough times to do what you are told you do. All of the things I was good at I had to give up for the betterment of others. something that I am still bitterly hostile over because I didn't know any better to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying to ensure that my parents liked me enough to deal with me. Deep down I knew that when i entered this world I destroyed my parent's relationship. It was always a tug-of-war with them in order to deal with me.
As I was reading my solar return early... something inside of me told me to look at it; I had the feeling that I wasn't learning the things that I needed to be learning. My hunch was right; it told me that I needed to overcome my shadowy past and embrace my true self and begin to shine. something that I have been reluctant to do since as a child I was picked on as a result. I didn't realize that my inner light shines so brightly that it casts shadows upon others which is why they treated me so poorly. I wasn't doing it on purpose; I was just being myself and that has always been the problem. There is so much negative programming within me that I convince myself to fail or that I would fail and stopped taking any type of risks in my life. I am done sacrificing myself just so that others can feel better about themselves around me; done with dimming myself so that others look brighter within my presence.
I gave up everything that I have ever cared about just to have peace of mind in life... to be left alone form other people's insecurities and them being projected onto me. For my so called friends I have taken on their problems as if they were my own just to be accepted by them... and for what? When I need them the most they are gone. Jeff explained that as an adult friendships are quite different then when you were younger; now if you do not have anything to offer or be used for then adult friends do not want anything to do with you. There has to be something in it for them to continue to be their friend. If not, you are considered a burden and there for discard able.
Since people have been so cruel to me and have left me high and dry when I do succeed in an "adult way" I will not let them know and pretend that they do not exist. Cause in essence they weren't really true friends in the first place. So in one instance my heart is thoroughly broken that when you become an adult everything has to change in the relationship dynamics that used to be so simple and are not anymore. Guess its the Gemini in me but friendship is a friendship sort of like marriage where you are there for each other no matter what! Then again, I am a idealist at heart and think that the way in which I operate is universal for everyone else.
I was a mere shell of the person that I was suppose to be. Then my mother added to it by not encouraging me to follow my dreams and be a creative talent. They both thought that I was just a day dreamer and wouldn't amount to anything in that capacity. It was my grandmother who knew better and tried to cultivate all of my artistic endeavors... like all children I was told later after her death that I "had to put away all of my childish toys" including my artistic abilities.
Till now I have still lived with all of my childhood scars and didn't really understand how badly my parents influence had spread. I am a shell of a person because I didn't understand that I could defy them and be the artist that I am. when you are told enough times to do what you are told you do. All of the things I was good at I had to give up for the betterment of others. something that I am still bitterly hostile over because I didn't know any better to stand up for myself. I was too busy trying to ensure that my parents liked me enough to deal with me. Deep down I knew that when i entered this world I destroyed my parent's relationship. It was always a tug-of-war with them in order to deal with me.
As I was reading my solar return early... something inside of me told me to look at it; I had the feeling that I wasn't learning the things that I needed to be learning. My hunch was right; it told me that I needed to overcome my shadowy past and embrace my true self and begin to shine. something that I have been reluctant to do since as a child I was picked on as a result. I didn't realize that my inner light shines so brightly that it casts shadows upon others which is why they treated me so poorly. I wasn't doing it on purpose; I was just being myself and that has always been the problem. There is so much negative programming within me that I convince myself to fail or that I would fail and stopped taking any type of risks in my life. I am done sacrificing myself just so that others can feel better about themselves around me; done with dimming myself so that others look brighter within my presence.
I gave up everything that I have ever cared about just to have peace of mind in life... to be left alone form other people's insecurities and them being projected onto me. For my so called friends I have taken on their problems as if they were my own just to be accepted by them... and for what? When I need them the most they are gone. Jeff explained that as an adult friendships are quite different then when you were younger; now if you do not have anything to offer or be used for then adult friends do not want anything to do with you. There has to be something in it for them to continue to be their friend. If not, you are considered a burden and there for discard able.
Since people have been so cruel to me and have left me high and dry when I do succeed in an "adult way" I will not let them know and pretend that they do not exist. Cause in essence they weren't really true friends in the first place. So in one instance my heart is thoroughly broken that when you become an adult everything has to change in the relationship dynamics that used to be so simple and are not anymore. Guess its the Gemini in me but friendship is a friendship sort of like marriage where you are there for each other no matter what! Then again, I am a idealist at heart and think that the way in which I operate is universal for everyone else.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Self-Love and Light
A couple of days ago my really good friend Isabella* (made up name to protect my friend) came over. I always watch "RuPaul's Drag Race" with her online. She couldn't believe how these men were transforming their selves into prettier women than some real women. At the time I didn't think anything of it... all women react this way when they see a hotter Drag girl than a biological girl. I should have paid more attention to Isabella's wording of her comments out loud. I am like a terrier in that manner- hearing something someone said with just the wrong inflection on certain words that mask the deep, painful truth that you are trying to get me not to hear; see or feel you hiding the real Truth from yourself projecting it onto me. Usually I call you on it and bring it "into the light what was once hidden in the dark of night" but my intuition told me to let this one go for the moment. To give my over-worked brain a rest I try not to link everything to have a significant meaning about something deeper and more painful things that others do not want to talk about. I forget that others consider that rude and highly intrusive when I look at it as trying to help.
I explained to Isabella that the Drag Queens use make-up to shape the lines of their faces to get the best out of their "Drag Persona." Isabella eagerly committed this to memory and it was like she was taking mental notes about everything that I was saying. Again, I noticed but put it to the back of my mind for later analysis later when she had left. There are certain emotions that I am not really to familiar in distinguishing because I have not felt them within myself: Jealousy and envy. I have felt and been on the receiving end of these emotions but I have not been swayed by them internally. As a Scorpio, Isabella has a very good amount of darkness to her; her mysteriousness makes her both vulnerable and powerful. But she is very much filled with self-doubt about her body's physical appearance. Yet her inner light is so blinding and brilliant; her blue eyes reflect such harshness and tranquility all at the same time...
RuPaul's motto on her show is "If you cannot love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" This was something that I was comfortable with; a quote that I had to live by in order to begin the process of healing myself from all of the poison that was inside of me from other's abuse towards me. I had to tell myself that "I love myself more than you could possibly hate/hurt me... I love myself past all of the pain, sorrow and sadness. I forgive myself for not treating this vessel with more respect and will not let anyone extinguish my light inside of me. My light is love, Infused into me by my creator and that is something that can never be destroyed." People call me beautiful; gorgeous and I couldn't care less because even though that is not how I view myself (I love my flawed body...) I am the most happy when they say that my inner beauty outshines my outer beauty. Long ago I learned that I had to protect myself with self love; not just someone Else's love for me to keep me safe. My Nana showed me that... her love kept me safe from my father's illness induced wrath towards me. Isabella gave me a weird look/glance as I approvingly nodded my head in agreeance. I said that "you have to love yourself so much that it pours out of you in so much abundance that it overflows into someone else and they are filled with love in abundance. That is the cycle of love... it is infectious and overwhelms the whole entire being. " Her eyes looked big-eyed and blank in a "I do not know that feeling of self love...what does it feel like?" an almost odd curious look of blankness. It was in this moment that her mask was taken off and she was exposed. Isabella's eyes turned a dark blue trying to re mask herself.
As we were watching a transformation of a gay man into a Drag Queen Isabella admitted that she couldn't walk in heels and that she walks like a man. I pulled out my heels and began to explain the art of walking in heels and why it is important to walk with one leg in front of the other like on a trapeze. I told her heels were designed to make your butt higher and more arched which also causes you to overcompensate by sticking your chest out. Reminded her that it is heel toe heel toe. If you feel like you are going to fall, use your hips as counter balance. She was so nervous; filled with doubt and unsure of herself that I thought that she was going to cry of embarrassment. I was wise to stop with the heel lesson and we went to look at lingerie. I think that this made her even more uncomfortable but we commented on each of the outfits that we saw.
Walking her out to the car in the darkened mist it was later revealed that she has no self love for herself. She understands that she is beautiful on the inside and has still been told that she is physically ugly. Something that she hasn't been able to get over. It was hard for her to even talk about it... she thought that I didn't catch her vocal tone. I called her on it and she started talking in a hysterical tone; a higher pitched tone that made her sound like she was on the verge of crying. I told her that what she was saying she doesn't believe and her eyes turned into panic because I saw into the real Isabella; The way she believes herself to be. There was a sigh of relief to her; an eerie calm right before the storm so to speak. She was very surprised to know that I saw her so clearly; that I was able to pierce her so deeply. She said that when she is around me she knows that she is safe and she can be herself more. I told her how much it hurt me that she didn't have self love. I know how important it is to have that in your life and what the world feels like when you do not.
Freaking out people is not something that I like to do; especially when they do not want themselves to be seen in the light because they are worried how ugly they really are. My personality is such that I inadvertently bring out that which you wish to hide and keep secret. What you hide is what makes me love the person that you are. Seeing those things behind you eyes is what makes me want to be your friend in the first place. Isabella is no exception to this and our heart to heart made me love her even more. I knew that I had scared her; my keen powers of observation had made her realize that I am much more than I pretend to show psychically and let on. I struck a chord in her and I do not know if she was alright with that. Her wording upon leaving was equivalent to someone saying goodbye in finality. Like I had just killed her admitting that big secret that she kept inside of herself. There is a picture of her where she is in the shadows of it staring towards the light longing for it but is just out if its reach being too comfortable within the darkness to leave. I haven;t spoken to her since... which bothers me because she hasn't read my message that I sent to her over a couple days ago yet approves my comment made the same time... I will not try to delve into that mystery yet and wait for her to respond to me before I make up my mind about my behavior for seeing too much within her. In my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but in her mind I may have....Scorpios tend to act that way and sting the people who try to help and become hostel towards them if they feel threatened in any way.
I explained to Isabella that the Drag Queens use make-up to shape the lines of their faces to get the best out of their "Drag Persona." Isabella eagerly committed this to memory and it was like she was taking mental notes about everything that I was saying. Again, I noticed but put it to the back of my mind for later analysis later when she had left. There are certain emotions that I am not really to familiar in distinguishing because I have not felt them within myself: Jealousy and envy. I have felt and been on the receiving end of these emotions but I have not been swayed by them internally. As a Scorpio, Isabella has a very good amount of darkness to her; her mysteriousness makes her both vulnerable and powerful. But she is very much filled with self-doubt about her body's physical appearance. Yet her inner light is so blinding and brilliant; her blue eyes reflect such harshness and tranquility all at the same time...
RuPaul's motto on her show is "If you cannot love yourself, then how in the hell are you going to love someone else?" This was something that I was comfortable with; a quote that I had to live by in order to begin the process of healing myself from all of the poison that was inside of me from other's abuse towards me. I had to tell myself that "I love myself more than you could possibly hate/hurt me... I love myself past all of the pain, sorrow and sadness. I forgive myself for not treating this vessel with more respect and will not let anyone extinguish my light inside of me. My light is love, Infused into me by my creator and that is something that can never be destroyed." People call me beautiful; gorgeous and I couldn't care less because even though that is not how I view myself (I love my flawed body...) I am the most happy when they say that my inner beauty outshines my outer beauty. Long ago I learned that I had to protect myself with self love; not just someone Else's love for me to keep me safe. My Nana showed me that... her love kept me safe from my father's illness induced wrath towards me. Isabella gave me a weird look/glance as I approvingly nodded my head in agreeance. I said that "you have to love yourself so much that it pours out of you in so much abundance that it overflows into someone else and they are filled with love in abundance. That is the cycle of love... it is infectious and overwhelms the whole entire being. " Her eyes looked big-eyed and blank in a "I do not know that feeling of self love...what does it feel like?" an almost odd curious look of blankness. It was in this moment that her mask was taken off and she was exposed. Isabella's eyes turned a dark blue trying to re mask herself.
As we were watching a transformation of a gay man into a Drag Queen Isabella admitted that she couldn't walk in heels and that she walks like a man. I pulled out my heels and began to explain the art of walking in heels and why it is important to walk with one leg in front of the other like on a trapeze. I told her heels were designed to make your butt higher and more arched which also causes you to overcompensate by sticking your chest out. Reminded her that it is heel toe heel toe. If you feel like you are going to fall, use your hips as counter balance. She was so nervous; filled with doubt and unsure of herself that I thought that she was going to cry of embarrassment. I was wise to stop with the heel lesson and we went to look at lingerie. I think that this made her even more uncomfortable but we commented on each of the outfits that we saw.
Walking her out to the car in the darkened mist it was later revealed that she has no self love for herself. She understands that she is beautiful on the inside and has still been told that she is physically ugly. Something that she hasn't been able to get over. It was hard for her to even talk about it... she thought that I didn't catch her vocal tone. I called her on it and she started talking in a hysterical tone; a higher pitched tone that made her sound like she was on the verge of crying. I told her that what she was saying she doesn't believe and her eyes turned into panic because I saw into the real Isabella; The way she believes herself to be. There was a sigh of relief to her; an eerie calm right before the storm so to speak. She was very surprised to know that I saw her so clearly; that I was able to pierce her so deeply. She said that when she is around me she knows that she is safe and she can be herself more. I told her how much it hurt me that she didn't have self love. I know how important it is to have that in your life and what the world feels like when you do not.
Freaking out people is not something that I like to do; especially when they do not want themselves to be seen in the light because they are worried how ugly they really are. My personality is such that I inadvertently bring out that which you wish to hide and keep secret. What you hide is what makes me love the person that you are. Seeing those things behind you eyes is what makes me want to be your friend in the first place. Isabella is no exception to this and our heart to heart made me love her even more. I knew that I had scared her; my keen powers of observation had made her realize that I am much more than I pretend to show psychically and let on. I struck a chord in her and I do not know if she was alright with that. Her wording upon leaving was equivalent to someone saying goodbye in finality. Like I had just killed her admitting that big secret that she kept inside of herself. There is a picture of her where she is in the shadows of it staring towards the light longing for it but is just out if its reach being too comfortable within the darkness to leave. I haven;t spoken to her since... which bothers me because she hasn't read my message that I sent to her over a couple days ago yet approves my comment made the same time... I will not try to delve into that mystery yet and wait for her to respond to me before I make up my mind about my behavior for seeing too much within her. In my heart I know that I did nothing wrong but in her mind I may have....Scorpios tend to act that way and sting the people who try to help and become hostel towards them if they feel threatened in any way.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Wavy Beret
The last time my Uncle Lester visited he requested that I make him a black beret. Unfortunately, I didn't like the patterns that I was finding on the web so I improvised. This is the finished product:
Materials used:
Materials used:
- CARON Simply Soft # 9916 in Black- Weight: 4 medium, Worsted weight, 4 ply 100% acrylic, 366yds /7 oz solid.
- Crochet hook size H-8 US (5mm)
- Crochet stitches used: Chain (ch), slip stitch (sl st), double crochet (dc)- Yarn over, insert hook in stitch or space indicated, yarn over and pull up a loop (3 loops on hook), yarn over and draw through 2 loops on the hook, yarn over and draw remaining 2 loops on hook. Double crochet decrease (dc dcr)- Yarn over, insert hook into first indicated stitch, Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 3 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 2 loops left on the hook.Yarn-over and insert hook into next indicated stitch.Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 4 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 3 loops left on the hook. Yarn-over and draw through the last 3 loops on your hook. Decrease is complete; counts as one stitch.
Terminology:
- Chain- (ch)
- Join w/ slip stitch (sl st)- Begin with a slip knot on hook. Insert hook in stitch or space indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and draw through the stitch or space and the loop on hook.
- Double crochet/s (dc/s)- Yarn over, insert hook in stitch or space indicated, yarn over and pull up a loop (3 loops on hook), yarn over and draw through 2 loops on the hook, yarn over and draw remaining 2 loops on hook.
- Double Crochet Decrease (dc dcr)- Yarn over, insert hook into first indicated stitch, Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 3 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 2 loops left on the hook.Yarn-over and insert hook into next indicated stitch.Yarn-over and draw up a loop. There will be 4 loops on your hook. Yarn-over and draw through 2 loops on your hook. There will be 3 loops left on the hook. Yarn-over and draw through the last 3 loops on your hook. Decrease is complete; counts as one stitch.
- Chain 3 (ch 3)- **For this pattern the first double crochet (dc) is always a Chain 3 (ch 3) **
To start: chain (ch) 4 and Join with a slip stitch (sl st) This makes up your loop.
Round 1: Chain 3(ch 3). **This counts as your first double crochet stitch for each and every round.** Within the chain 4 loop make 14 double Crochets (dcs). Total: 14 Double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain3 (ch 3)= 15 Double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 2: Chain 3 (ch 3). 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch all the way around. [some people prefer to add the 30th double crochet at the front after the chain 3; some at the end before the chain 3. I leave it up to you.] Total: 29 Double Crochets (dcs) + 1 Chain 3 (ch 3)= 30 Double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 3: Chain 3 (ch 3). 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 44 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3 )= 45 Double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 4: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 59 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 60 double crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 5: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 74 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch3)= 75 double crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 6: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 89 Double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 90 double crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 7: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 Double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 104 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 105 double Crochet stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 8: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. * Repeat from * to end. Total: 119 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 120 double crochet (dc) stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 9: chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch. * 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 2 double crochets (dcs) in next stitch.* Repeat from * to end. Total: 134 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3) = 135 double crochet (dc) stitches. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 10 & 11: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch to end. Total: 134 double crochets (dcs) + 1 chain 3 (ch 3)= 135 stitches. Slip stitch (sl st ) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 12: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr). *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr)*. Repeat * to last 3 stitches. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 13: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr).* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr).* Repeat * to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 14 & 15: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 16: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr) *1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr)* Repeat * to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 17: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 Double crochet decrease (dc dcr) in next stitch* 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch. 1 double crochet decrease (dc dcr) in next stitch * repeat * to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain.
Round 18: Chain 3 (ch 3). 1 double crochet (dc) in next stitch to end. Slip stitch (sl st) to top of 3rd chain. Bind off. Sew in loose ends...
Finished!
Uncle Lester loved the beret! It was just what he wanted and you can tell from the picture that the beret made his day!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
