New Years Reflection...

Well I can't say that I'm sad that 2012 has come to an end!!!!! this was by far the hardest year that I have had to go through up to date. So much unnecessary hurt and heartache have been shoved down my throat that I didn't think that I was going to survive!!! Even though this has been an excruciating painful year 2012 sure has taught me alot. My inner strength has been tested and battle ready, Self-reliance on myself for survival, and I adapted to living in VEGAS!!!! Staved off a divorce, spent months away from Jeff, and retained my child-like innocence!!!! no matter how hard i try to hide the fact (for my own safety and yours) I actually CARE and LOVE people. This year has given me plenty of reasons to dislike people and maybe use the "hate" word. But then I realized something... i understood their thought process. Granted it's faulty logic, i still understood it. People aren't born bad; they are created that way (personally speaking) and sometimes just plain old uneducated. 2012 taught me to tolerate the things that i may not fully get but love and accept them anyways (even if they cause me pain). I learned that my character is strong; being poor is a good way to weed out my true friends and I can still survive heartache while leaving my heart open... that i have faith, hope, integrity and all the things that make me ME!!! Figured out that I have a high tolerance for pain, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of doing what's right. Best part: I still have my positivity and optimism even though i took a sh!tload of a life beating! Good thing the martial arts and meditation helped with that!!! ;) Finally made peace with my f*ed up teen/ early adulthood hell... now i'm grateful that i had to go thru it. That particular hell turns out prepared me for life as I know it. It made me stronger and I am no longer afraid of my past. All in all it was a great learning year!!!

Heartbreaks hurt...

I dislike my heart being broken by my friends... It's too painful and in the last 2 days major heartaches have caused me to face my fear of being an after thought and /or being forgotten about by the people that I care about. It reminds me of childhood and the invisible scars that I carry with me as an adult. I survived my childhood ill survive this... There has only been 1 person/friend/family in this whole entire planet that can get me to care to the point of anger... guess that person is someone that i care about greatly to where i dare say that i love them and didn't realize it. Funny how life works that way...

Yes i was hurt in a way that shouldn't have bothered me but it did. People i seem to be noticing are flaking more and more as the days go by... i can handle being flaked upon but having to wait 24 hours to find out what happened to my friend only to find out they were sick and didn't even bother to tell me? that is something that I do not deal with well. Especially when i'm sitting here thinking that there was a car accident, possibly forgetting that you made plans with me, or that you simply didn't care enough to let me know that you changed your mind which was the right choice. So after the tears finished running down at the fact that my longest friend blew me off, a day to remind them they forgot me which wasn't such a big deal in their head. then they waited 8 days to actually tell me what happened why they didn't realize that they needed to tell me what was going on and that i was the one to over-react. Through all of this they still do not realize how much they hurt me. Then another friend did the exact same thing the next day... at least they realized that they forgot me an hour after the fact which didn't cause an "over-reaction" on my part.

 

I really thought that people were better at understanding that their actions have consequences; that their words carry meaning and whether or not you mean to hurt someone doesn't mean anything if you end up hurting them. I understand that people are loosing their ability to communicate with others and expressing their feelings but come on, on some level they must know that their actions aren't right. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve here but if i say that I'm going to do something i do it. if i cannot then i say so. I do not make excuses for myself or my actions and i hold myself accountable. That is the main problem with people now a days... no one holds themselves accountable and would rather blame others for their mistakes. My heart is in alot of pain and it was definitely stressed during this whole ordeal. I wish that I didn't have to care as much about people... cause it's hard accepting that they do not care about me.    

Xmas Gifts...

Well since I am financially challenged at the moment I decided to make my nieces berets for xmas. I picked out purples and pinks since those are their favorite colors. Each took about 6 and a half hours to make and turned out pretty well! then I made my sister a black one that she absolutely adores!!! Since I have been with Jeff and his family for christmas we decided to celebrate on the 24th which made Keela and Carla very happy!

Halloween is my 7 year Anniversary

Well it's Halloween!!!! And today marks the 7 year anniversary of my marriage to my wonderful husband Jeff. It seems like the time has just flown by in this relationship and this past year!!! Year 6 to 7 was definitely the most challenging for the two of us- living in Las Vegas with Jeff's parents who turns out didn't want us there as much as they said they did. Jeff Finding out about his aborted sibling 30 years after the fact and how that destroyed him; leaving me to pick up all his broken pieces. Re-living with Scott and figuring out who i am as a person. Watching Jeff leave to California without me and having to deal with that was extremely hard... Jeff and I barely spend time apart. Then finding out that when getting to California that Jeff wasn't happy with me and my lack of funds was yet another hurdle that him and i had to get over. Then my sickness occurred which brought things into perspective... but no matter how bad things got between the two of us Jeff always loved me and i him. So today marks a triumph. That Jeff and I were able to overcome in order to continue to be together.So happy 7th anniversary to me!!!!         

The Last 12 Weeks...

The last 12 weeks have been very stressful on me, my body and my psyche. My pain tolerance has become extremely high due to almost dying twice- once due to stress on my heart and the second time when I had an allergic reaction to bug bites. My garden seems all but dried up right now... but i am working on getting back on track with my emotions. This has been hard on me trying to get over the pain that people caused me in Vegas and being separated from Jeff. Its hard to put it into words what i have gone thru- all of the hurt, betrayal, pain and having to loose everything that I hold dear makes me really want to separate myself from the world. Usually I go to my gardens to try and recoup/ relax but my heart is so scarred from the royal beat down from life that I can't see my happy place at this moment in time.

 

I catch glimpses of my garden... the greenery in California makes me happy and it is reflected in the gardens. normally I would find the good in the situation and turn my frown upside down but lately depression has been my new found friend. It saddens me that i lost alot of people because of the move and I know that it is for the best but it still hurts having to go thru all of the motions of feeling the loss. i know that the economy is icky and that most people do not have employment and i happen to be one of them so i hope that I can find something that I can do fast so that my stress level can calm down. Strange that money is my only down point in my life and is the root of all of my stress with Jeff. I left vegas to be with the man that i love and came back to cali with nothing but his promises and he didn't mean them. Everyday I get a little bit stronger and my energy gets higher daily. So I say my prayers and have faith to overcome all of my obstacles in my life and wish that things were better. Then I realize that things are better and that the money thing will come when its time; that this too shall pass in my life and I have to be content that this is what I have to do in order to be the person that I want to be.

 

Even the darker side of cynne site has suffered as a result of this hurtfulness. But I will do my best to get back to the writing...       

Look past the beauty for once people...

It really does get underneath my skin how much shit I have to endure when it comes to my beauty. Prettiness is a personal problem with me due to all of the scandal it produces for me. People believe that just because I am attractive it automatically means that I am a high maintenance bitch- that I talk down to people and make others feel small. I have to work extra hard to make sure that I don't loose my cool in front of people because then all of the things that they say about me behind my back are confirmed.

First off: I am not vain or care that much about my looks. granted I know how to apply makeup and look good doesn't make me a bad person or a mean girl. I was picked on and bullied for most of my life due to people not accepting of my nice personality. I didn't turn pretty till I was 16. That means I had 16 years to build up a personality, learn grace, humility and how to be a nice person. I have certain principles and something called integrity. I do not go out of my way to make people feel bad about their life or their overall looks. I grew up as a tomboy; playing in trees and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I mean I shuck oysters and get out pearls for a living! I am a goofball geek who happens to be hot. I have self esteem and self confidence... so that makes me a bitch!?! Sorry but my Nana and my momma raised me well- I have manners, etiquette, and I am very polite and grateful for the people/things in my life. I'm me. I do not go out of my way to be anything but myself; but at times i will diminish my light in order to make people feel more comfortable... but I am tired of people telling me that I cannot shine because they do not want me to shine brightly in front of them. Tired of being the one that is considered the villain for being the "pretty one" because the person pissed at me isn't as pretty as me. if my looks weren't what they are I wouldn't be having these kinds of problems...

I know when you read this that most will not understand why i feel this way- only people who have been through this kind of experience will truly understand what i am going through. If i put much stock into the bible then beauty along with my other qualities are considered gifts from god; which means that they are gifts bestowed and curses to bear. I have learned that people will see me as they want to see me; viewing certain traits but not the whole of me. That i am whatever you want me to be; but with all that said I am still me and myself despite your selfish intentions of me. Beauty at least to me is a double edged sword in my life- women hate me and men rape me. Women assume that I'm a bitch and are rude to me and men objectify me and take things from me that I do not want to give. So yes i find it funny when people say that they wish they could be me- if people knew my full history of what I have been through you may not want to be me. It wasn't easy going through all of the shit I went through. likewise it isn't easy to be the person you see before you now given my past. People make too many damn assumptions about me that it makes my head spin. so I did what i do best write the pain out of me. I wrote a poem reflecting on the past month of how people have been treating me. enjoy...



My eyes will show you what I have been through;
Look carefully big heart will reveal scars, wounds and breaks.
My personality qualifies me as a geek;
a nerd and a dork...
but all you see is my beauty.
Only focusing on the physical;
my my how shallow are you...

Beauty for me is a consistent pain;
A torment that I would gladly choose not to feel.
Yet people will not let me forget what I look like.
Throwing it up in my face as if its suppose to mean something to me
My beauty is riddled with pain;
because others will not let me be prettier than them.
It fills my life with such evilness that I wish i didn't look this way
equating beauty with pain and pain with beauty
has become a calming mantra for my life...

Jealousy, envy, pettiness are some well known friends
reminding me why most girls cannot be my friend.
Because being myself casts shadows on others;
bringing out their insecurity and their shortcomings
focusing all of their anger from themselves to me.
just to make themselves feel better;
meanwhile putting me in my so called place.
So that I cannot outshine...

Men befriend me in order to get into my pants
a careless boob grab here
hands accidentally slip to my ass
with that look in their eye as if I'm already naked.
Being looked at as an object, a prize;
a conquest makes me sick to my stomach
seeing the seed of lust rise from men's eyes and smile
makes me want to take a shower for days...

Yet for all or your assumptions of me
you do not really see me
showing me that you do not really know me at all
I accept that I have to deal with this my whole entire life;
what I will not accept is making me hurt so you can feel better.
so please stop comparing me to you.
Handle your own "inner" issues and demons
without me being blamed for them.
Cause I'm going to continue being myself;
and if you think i shone before-
you haven't seen nothing yet!

Where I have been...

A great many things have changed since my last post on Cynnefull Gardens. For one, I am not living in the state of sunny California anymore. I left my friends, family and everything I knew in order to be with the man I love in an indulgent Las Vegas Nevada. I originally thought that this was going to be the best thing that had ever happen to me since meeting Jeff but this experience is not something I'd wish on my worse enemy. Although things have been rough to say the least these "experiences" have shaped me into someone who is stronger and more capable. I have overcome adversity and have only recently had to deal with other peoples drama. It has been 16 months since I have been away from my greenery that is California... hince my absence from my Cynnefull Gardens. I have come to learn that I have not figured out how to relax/ mediatate or have "me time" in this place. There is an element of distrust here that forces you to put your guard up; I found out the hard way that it needs to stay up despite how tired I get keeping it up. As a result new plants, animals and trees have sprang up having to do with bitterment, resentfulness, and betrayal. These new emotions aren't normally found here or inside my heart for that matter... but they have now planted their seeds within and have taken root. 

Cynnefull Gardens has grown into something that is a refelction of the totality of me; I have created another page called "A Darker Side of Cynne..." which talks about the more erotic places within the gardens. It is the only writing I have been able to write out here in Vegas... the city of sin. Unless you have been to Vegas then you know that aroma of erotica that fills the air here. Where night life has a whole new meaning here...  

.          A Darker Side of Cynne...