At the moment of birth
My destiny was to be Air
The universe saw to it that I shall be the air sign of Gemini;
Mercurial in nature;
Invisible,
Intangible
Barely heard;
Never seen.
Everywhere yet no where;
But always there just out of your reach.
Light breezes, slightly warm and gentile air
Staying to the sky,watching from afar.
Watching what was going on and actively not participating more than I had to.
My head was in the clouds,
Daydreaming my life away.
Not caring, not worrying;
Just floating along like the leaf in the wind.
There was the occasional harsh wind,
Cold wind, relentlessly hot wind for brief moments
Then drastically change to calm and serene.
After experiencing loss of a loved one;
My All in the world.
I sought higher ground
Away from people,
Hurtful things and feelings that could affect me
I let the sun's rays engulf me and I became transformed into fire...
I am white hot heat.
I am white burning light
I am the sun; not just any fire,
I had to become as heated as the sun
I denied my grief;
Becoming more keen on my self than others
I turned to my anger to get me through this ordeal.
It made me focused,
Determined, and very beautifully dangerous...
All logic that was full of passion,
Seduction and ego
Too trusting of my friends that led to my demise
To my flame being extinguished forever
Due to "3 friends" selfishly blind jealousy
Envy that ended up in the raping of my innocence.
Leaving me in a complete and utter darkness that I had not known before.
I was now red heat...
I was a fiery rage...
I was a Phoenix that has now become darkened...
A darker and deeper shade of red...
A new set of pain,
Horror,
Trauma that this place within my heart had not seen before
I knew what suffering was now,
An anger that was so great that I knew what rage felt like.
Overwhelming rage and loss of control...
Screaming at the top of my lungs "why me?"
"Why was I the chosen one?"
"To bear all of these gifts that were bestowed upon me?"
"Why was my life ruined just for 3 hours of defilement??
So they could feel satisfaction in between my thighs??"
It destroyed me thoroughly...
The idea that my closest friends would lust for me in that way.
I gave into the coldness that my heart was feeling,
Turning from rage into the ice blizzards that become menacing within seconds.
I was known as the Ice Queen in every way shape and form...
Numb to everyone and everything.
Those 3 hours still remaining as a part of my psyche.
There had to be more than just this coldness within my shattered heart
There had to be more to me than just ice...
Water.
Within the ice is water
Water that hasn't be moved emotionally in God knows how long
That needs to be warmed up again
Reminded how to be warmed up again...
Slowly but surely the ice will melt and give way to what I really am...
The biggest water there is on Earth now.
The ocean.
The sea.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotion.
I cannot be denied but only consoled by my mother the moon
She keeps me in check;
Providing the rhythm that keeps me from going out of control.
I have many depths,
Many colors,
No one will know what color blue I will pretend to be
You do not know me;
Nor would you ever take the time to see;
That there is more to me that meets the eye
Something that makes me hauntingly familiar yet mysterious in so many ways
I am unpredictable,
Chaotic,
Witholding massive internal storms from unleashing
But you would never see that from the outside...
I hide it too well
My waters are calm, and clear like that of a Bahamian beach
Enjoying this paradise like it was intended on the surface
If you go a little deeper,
Coming out of the shallow end you will see that the water gets a shade darker,
The water gets a little colder,
The footing begins to get unsure...
Stay away from me if you are afraid to drown
I am necessary yet abused,
Mistreated,
Polluted and taken for granted
My relaxing blues turn into pitch black abysses underneath it all...
I make my own colors like the bio luminescent fish that live deep within me...
Can your emotions match mine?
I am alone with my mother,
Knowing the incredible strength that I posses yet do not know how to use it.
Waiting in vain for someone to try to understand
What no one else wanted to see
Like sleeping beauty slumbering till she found her prince...
Learning the hard way that no one was strong enough to accept all of me...
What was left of the blue faded away,
To the deepest black that I had ever been to within me.
My only company were things that I couldn't see,
That I could only feel...
And when I thought that I couldn't get any deeper
I realized that there were no bounds...
I was going to keep on getting deeper and deeper
Till I felt the whole range of black and what that entailed.
It felt like forever,
Falling into the blackness,
Getting used to the black abyss that was me
Understanding the black and learning what it had to teach me...
To the point of where it became a comfort
Then I hit what felt like dirt...
Soft squishy mud that cushioned my fall.
My mother the moon didn't save me, but my father did
It was him that heard my heartfelt wish and manifested it into reality
Because he couldn't handle me being so dark.
Then I was saved by the one thing that I had never thought could save me...
A strong male's reciprocated love.
The one thing that I had given up on for obvious reasons was my only savior.
A pure,
Sincere and genuine love that was spiritual,
Physical and mental.
The strength that I needed wasn't found in other Water,
Fire,
Air or any combination that those 3 that I was suppose to be turned into...
They were too controlling,
Dominating,
And deceitful.
Thinking that love was just some game they didn't want to loose at...
What about Earth??
It could be strong enough to hold me
But would it be flexible enough to deal with me?
Can the Earth get as deep as I can?
Feel the heat as I do?
Would the Earth even want to?
Most importantly would he understand me?
My father was right...
The earth was strong enough to hold me...
Strict but fair,
Harsh but in a loving manner,
Hating you because they love you so damn much...
The Earth could take care of me,
Provide me a place to be myself
To be what he needs me to be to help complete him...
I found something to ground myself to.
To remind myself that no matter how deep or wide I can become
I have a safety net that will protect me
I have found my home.
Nothing seems to get underneath my skin because I just retreat into the earth
Into our beautiful cave of clear blue water with stalagmites and stalactites
Where no one can reach us...
© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay
On a personal note:
This was one of the most difficult poems that I had ever written...partly because it touches on so many of my negative experiences within my life. Wasn't sure if I was ready to share this poem with the world but Cynnefull Gardens is where I can put all of my emotions out for everyone to see without judgement. I have other poems that go over each negative experience separately but this one made me cringe the most to see where I started from in life and where I had ended up at certain parts of my life. It was my Nana who died- I was 13 years old and coincidentally she passed on my mother in law's birth date. (March 31st)
The rape occurred when I was 18, and about to start college. Since it was 3 of my friends whom I knew for over 6 years that one left a scar... in a lot a of different ways. I left out how my father passed away the day after my 19th birthday... it was just too much for me to add to list of what this poem entails. As an air sign I was never fully prepared for feeling as much as I have over the course of my life. It is a misnomer to think that Geminis cannot feel; they feel so much that it hurts them and they try not to feel by remaining neutral on the outside. Not allowing themselves the time to dwell on how they should be reacting to what just happened and using rationalization to cope. I on the other hand am a "12th house Gemini" so my emotional capacity is that of an ocean... look into my eyes and you will understand.
Each transition or transformation that I had to make within the poem is genuine. I have dealt with many things both good and bad within my life and I still have a lot of long years ahead of me. Transformation of My Selves is my life in a nutshell up until 3 years ago- by using the elements I was able to describe how each phase felt like within me. This poem could have been much longer but I felt that it was long enough as is. Jeff, my love, is an Earth sign- Virgo. We amazingly complete each other because he is Earth and Fire while I am Air and Water. We cancel each other out or compliment one another depending on our mood.
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