Life update...

The last two weeks have been very interesting... I find that the more I sit back and watch others from a distance the more universal truths are revealed. I'm not sure if this is because of all the meditating that I have been doing in this time period or it's the rededicating myself to astrology teachings that is the source of this. I'm feeling at odds with the world at the moment; that the things that I want and value for myself are not what the world wants me to be or have. I do not do what this world wants me to do or what others want me to do; I follow higher laws than that of man... I guess this means that I am doing something right!

 

Not only that I am feeling at odds with the people whom I care deeply about. Recent friend interactions have left me with a sense of feeling like an inconvenience; or that I'm not as important to them as they lead me to believe. One in particular has made me feel like our friendship only exists on their terms which is socially in groups or restricted to an intellectual basis. Looking at this friendship has shown me that most of our interactions are shallow at best masked in superficial concern and care. Because of my need to be accepted by my peers for the person that I am I cling and consider acquaintances as actual friends. Even though I have been "friends" with these people for years it is clear now that none of them get me or pay attention to knowing me so I shouldn't feel upset when they completely disregard my emotions and or feelings for the sake of fun. Now that I happen to be seeing these "red flags" I am filled with an apprehension to want to open up and relate to them as fully as I have been. Even my close friends treat me this way which is no wonder why my husband Jeff tells me that my friends suck and that I need to find better ones. 

 

In all honesty I do not even know if I want to be bothered with meeting people... from what I have seen and heard people are more messed up then they usually are. there is no holding oneself accountable for their actions, people would rather hurt others than allow them self to be hurt, they would rather blame others for their mistakes instead of learning from them, and no one pays any attention to anyone unless they are yelling. Jeff always tells me that people suck and if given the chance they will still suck cause they do not know any better. unfortunately I do know better and this type of behavior is unacceptable. I doubt that I am the only one that sees this and is disgusted by it. 

 

This is the energy of Aquarius messing with me; making me realize how lost and alone I feel within my social interactions. Bringing up my past childhood fears and anxieties so that I can confront them. Yes it is making me feel more intellectually unstable but its also making me painfully aware of how much creative spirit i have coming from all of my past childhood traumas. I am just grateful that I have worked out most of my issues from childhood or else this energy would be more destructive.

 

  

Don't Judge Mental Illness by My Cover...

I am completely taken back by people sometimes!!! I commented on a new friends facebook post concerning her depression. so I made the comment, "pills are just a band-aid. you need to figure out the root of the problem if you are to completely heal" or something to that effect. Evidently she was so upset about this that she took the time to compose a blog stating what she has gone through saying that since my "new friends" do not understand that I have bi-polar and depression and that I need to be on meds. This really hurt me and pissed me off because as I am reading this it sounds like what I went through. Only difference are: I am a functional person and she is not. I got through all of my illnesses without the use of a shrink or anyone. I put in the time and researched my problems. Found out that there were simple things that I could do within my day to stave off my anxiety or my depression or my blind rage. I didn't make other people in my life go thru a living hell because I didn't get my way. Nor did I give up upon myself and take pills that do not address the heart of the matter!!!! 

 

 If you are a person dealing with mental illness I have nothing but understanding and tolerance for you but do not assume that I do not know what you are going through based on my outer appearance. I have mental illnesses. so much so that I should be heavily sedated and in the psych ward. But I am not. Why you ask? if i have such bad mental health then why am I free roaming on the streets without medication? well for one I cannot afford any type of medication so I had to seek out other means of helping myself. I went to my college psych person back when I was 19 and they gave the test to see how badly I was messed up and I scored a 72/80 for severe depression w feelings of persecution. Sure I was told to go on meds but everything he gave me turned me into a walking zombie. So I did something about it. It wasn't till i got admitted to the first psych ward that I realized my anxiety was out of control; not to mention the stress that all of the rapes placed upon me turned my psyche upside down. interesting enough I still maintained a job. Then the second time around I was in a county psych ward- I had just gotten diagnosed with cervical cancer and they cryogenically froze my cervix which led to lots of internal bleeding while I was on my way to work one morning. I pulled over into a store and they called the police since I couldn't afford an ambulance. my mother was in Vegas so when the police came all they could do was drive me to the nearest county psych ward since no one could pick me up. I spent a week in that hell hole with people trying to convince me that I was crazy; that I was the wrong one and they were in fact WRONG. An Indian doctor there just looked at me and told me that I didn't belong in there. he grabbed my hand and told me that there wasn't anything wrong with me and turned my hand palm up and read it. He said that I was destined for so much more than this place. He explained that my life will be one of success if i could get out of here and gave me a hug. I never saw him there again but he is the reason that I am not there...

 

For me, it was crucial to look at my life and see where I went wrong.I needed to understand what was going on internally so that I could address all of my issues: my anxiety, depression with thoughts of persecution, Irritable bowel syndrome, emotionally induced illnesses, chronic fatigue syndrome, my rapes, high fevers, insomnia, neurotic thought patterns and migraines. Smoking marijuana helped focus my brain so I could understand what it was the was bothering me so much. A healthier diet helped give me the minerals/vitamins to overcome my chemical imbalances. Learned to control my breathing and when I feel the onset of a panic attack I can calm myself down enough to control it. all Of my issues stemmed from the harsh treatment of my father. Due to the nature of how i came into being he never forgave me when my mother chose to carry me to term even though I could have killed her. He opted for abortion as did her sister. For once I am grateful that my mother's catholic upbringing is the reason that I am here today. 19 years of physical, emotional, and verbal abuse likened me to a rose growing underneath concrete. trying to find any way to grow underneath the weight of my father. it was his belief that i was the devil incarnate and that i was too weak to survive this place. I became his full whipping girl by 8 when my bother left for west point. I survived 11 more years of being told to stop lying about dad or i don't believe you. But my mother knew but she was going thru the same thing and she couldn't help me. My brother was long gone and when i was 13 Nana, my protector, died which gave me no more places to hide. all of these events were piling up in my head and I was forcing myself to feel them; acknowledge them so that I could understand the meaning behind all of the pain. Once I stripped away the layers of lessons that i was suppose to learn and didn't I realized that they were making me understand my patterns. I kept making the same mistakes again and again and each time the consequence of not learning said lesson made my life worse. I began paying attention to my body; since that is the physical response to something internally wrong. I started to understand what my triggers are that were causing me to feel this way. Started to understand what others do to also bring on my triggers and i learned to stop them before they happened. I went to the gym to get my endorphins up and I challenged myself during the day by doing things that were slightly out of my comfort zone to break out of my armored shell. Bought a book called Healing with Whole Foods and it opened my eyes to an eastern/western philosophy that made sense to me and I have been mostly free of my issues for the last 10years. 

 

So when I read/ hear things like what she wrote it infuriates me. Am I stronger than her? no. I just made a different choice to fix myself nothing more or less.  

Let's Do the Time Warp Again...

Since the New Year has begun I have been going with my friends to the Rocky Horror Picture Show shadow casting performances on saturdays. I call the Theatre at Long Beach "my Rocky home" but there are shows in Los Angeles, Ventura and a couple of other places that I haven't visited yet. Everytime I go there I feel at home amonst people that are like me. It seems that the more I go the more fun I have. Most of the people who are on the Long Beach cast happen to be my friends so it's fun to be part of the "crew". I have even been appraoched and asked to join the cast which would save me money in the longrun.

3 Simple Words...

...And with a single phrase spoken from his lips
She was paralyzed;
The words that should have meant something special...
Didn't.
Those precious words came out hollow and empty;
Automatic sounding in tone as he carefully pronounced each syllable,
giving away the lie behind the meaning of every gesture he did towards her
3 simple words that are suppose to bring happiness
brought nothing but torment to her heart.
What he didn't realize was that she knew him better than he thought.
All those years standing silently by his side
Watching him;
Observing him
But most importantly listening to what he said.
Hearing the tonal inflections
Watching his body language as he said it
She studied him...
Figured out how to know the difference between his truths,
his lies and the tells that give him away.
So she didn't say those words back to him.
oh no
She just gave him a look and said
"Next time mean it when you say I LOVE YOU
I can always spot your lies...

I Am the Love Within Me

Light and love enfold me,

Surround me, Protect me.

Moving through me as pure energy.

Fueling everything in this universe.

I open myself like the flower blooming for the sun,

Becoming the bliss that fills my heart.

Like a spiritual being trying to break free,
My cup runneth over with sheer radiant light.
Inhaling all that is positive within me,
Exhaling out inner love to the world for all to reciprocate.
Relying on my unwaivering faith in myself,
As one relys on their strong heartbeat.
I am the light that fills my heart with love...
Shining forth like a beacon of hope from my translucent chest.
Exposing my strentgh for all to feel.
I'm all that I search outwardly to be...
I am the love within me.

Copyright ©2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Swords

Swords   (2^nd version of Please Stop… You’re hurting me)

By: Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 1/9/13

 

My love is a single edged sword

Created to protect

To keep safe that which is held dear

To serve the person who wields it obediently

Without harm

Always

Without harm unless betrayed.

Being something to rely on

To trust and depend upon by the person who holds it

An instrument used to pledge your loyalty

Allegiance

Your life, to the one that you love

Or death to the one whom betrays…

 But your sword of love isn’t like mine

It is likened to a double edged sword

One edge that feels my warmth and love

Reciprocating that which I give to you

Yet the other edge is a darker one

An edge that causes pain

Reflected upon and within every movement

Every gesture

Every word as if it’s ingrained in you

Carefully aimed straight at my heart

Waiting to strike

Poised to strike

And repeating to strike till there is nothing left of my heart

 

Now your double edged sword has killed what I value most-

My love for you

Tturning it into a deepening betrayal

That keeps bleeding out pain

You have overstepped your reach

Now this single edged sword that once loved you

Protected you

Who refused to harm you

(Even if that meant her own death)

 Has risen up against you

In order to save what little of herself that she can

Patiently defending herself from your vicious attacks

Waiting for the perfect moment to strike

That which is killing her from the inside

Waiting for you to see the tears

That her heart has been crying out 

Because single edged swords were created to protect the ones they love…

But betrayal is punishable by death.

And you have betrayed that which she holds dear…

Found it!

And with a quick lunge of her sword his chest was pierced

Adding pressure her sword slowly passed thru the ribcage

with tears in her eyes made contact with his heart

Then out threw his back

She slowly twisted her sword upward

Making the slit a complete circle

And as the blood drained out of his heart

Her face reflected that which she felt-

A smile of satisfaction

 with tears of joy.

New Years Resolutions...

I could start out by saying that i'm going to choose to eat healthy or go to the gym more but i won't. This year I want to focus on the things that make me happy- my writings, my heart, and my soul. Looking back on my life i see that i have made bad choices that turned out for the best. In doing so I neglected the things that I wanted out of this life- to be a poet/writer. Gotten away from my schooling  of psychology, astrology and behavioral neuroscience. Even though to most I have nothing and i am nothing due to the fact that I do not have a job, money or a close circle of friends I have myself and faith in myself to survive, succeed and make something of myself. My resolutions are more to do with getting back to myself again; understanding what it is about me that makes others feel comfortable with me so i can be comfortable with the fact that i will always give more than they do. I'm not a taker by nature but i am slowly learning that people will not give me anything in this world unless i step up and take whatever it is that i want. My wants are simple: i wants to be my own boss and create beautiful things that people will purchase whether it being the selling of my poetry. writings or yarn creations. I want to be loved by someone who deserves me (already checked off), have an amazing wardrobe filled with goth +steam punk clothing and to be treated the way that I treat others. This year is going to be about doing things that I need to do for myself. Hopefully this includes traveling and spiritual re-fuelment. 

New Years Reflection...

Well I can't say that I'm sad that 2012 has come to an end!!!!! this was by far the hardest year that I have had to go through up to date. So much unnecessary hurt and heartache have been shoved down my throat that I didn't think that I was going to survive!!! Even though this has been an excruciating painful year 2012 sure has taught me alot. My inner strength has been tested and battle ready, Self-reliance on myself for survival, and I adapted to living in VEGAS!!!! Staved off a divorce, spent months away from Jeff, and retained my child-like innocence!!!! no matter how hard i try to hide the fact (for my own safety and yours) I actually CARE and LOVE people. This year has given me plenty of reasons to dislike people and maybe use the "hate" word. But then I realized something... i understood their thought process. Granted it's faulty logic, i still understood it. People aren't born bad; they are created that way (personally speaking) and sometimes just plain old uneducated. 2012 taught me to tolerate the things that i may not fully get but love and accept them anyways (even if they cause me pain). I learned that my character is strong; being poor is a good way to weed out my true friends and I can still survive heartache while leaving my heart open... that i have faith, hope, integrity and all the things that make me ME!!! Figured out that I have a high tolerance for pain, sadness, and an overwhelming sense of doing what's right. Best part: I still have my positivity and optimism even though i took a sh!tload of a life beating! Good thing the martial arts and meditation helped with that!!! ;) Finally made peace with my f*ed up teen/ early adulthood hell... now i'm grateful that i had to go thru it. That particular hell turns out prepared me for life as I know it. It made me stronger and I am no longer afraid of my past. All in all it was a great learning year!!!

Heartbreaks hurt...

I dislike my heart being broken by my friends... It's too painful and in the last 2 days major heartaches have caused me to face my fear of being an after thought and /or being forgotten about by the people that I care about. It reminds me of childhood and the invisible scars that I carry with me as an adult. I survived my childhood ill survive this... There has only been 1 person/friend/family in this whole entire planet that can get me to care to the point of anger... guess that person is someone that i care about greatly to where i dare say that i love them and didn't realize it. Funny how life works that way...

Yes i was hurt in a way that shouldn't have bothered me but it did. People i seem to be noticing are flaking more and more as the days go by... i can handle being flaked upon but having to wait 24 hours to find out what happened to my friend only to find out they were sick and didn't even bother to tell me? that is something that I do not deal with well. Especially when i'm sitting here thinking that there was a car accident, possibly forgetting that you made plans with me, or that you simply didn't care enough to let me know that you changed your mind which was the right choice. So after the tears finished running down at the fact that my longest friend blew me off, a day to remind them they forgot me which wasn't such a big deal in their head. then they waited 8 days to actually tell me what happened why they didn't realize that they needed to tell me what was going on and that i was the one to over-react. Through all of this they still do not realize how much they hurt me. Then another friend did the exact same thing the next day... at least they realized that they forgot me an hour after the fact which didn't cause an "over-reaction" on my part.

 

I really thought that people were better at understanding that their actions have consequences; that their words carry meaning and whether or not you mean to hurt someone doesn't mean anything if you end up hurting them. I understand that people are loosing their ability to communicate with others and expressing their feelings but come on, on some level they must know that their actions aren't right. Maybe I'm ahead of the curve here but if i say that I'm going to do something i do it. if i cannot then i say so. I do not make excuses for myself or my actions and i hold myself accountable. That is the main problem with people now a days... no one holds themselves accountable and would rather blame others for their mistakes. My heart is in alot of pain and it was definitely stressed during this whole ordeal. I wish that I didn't have to care as much about people... cause it's hard accepting that they do not care about me.    

Xmas Gifts...

Well since I am financially challenged at the moment I decided to make my nieces berets for xmas. I picked out purples and pinks since those are their favorite colors. Each took about 6 and a half hours to make and turned out pretty well! then I made my sister a black one that she absolutely adores!!! Since I have been with Jeff and his family for christmas we decided to celebrate on the 24th which made Keela and Carla very happy!

Halloween is my 7 year Anniversary

Well it's Halloween!!!! And today marks the 7 year anniversary of my marriage to my wonderful husband Jeff. It seems like the time has just flown by in this relationship and this past year!!! Year 6 to 7 was definitely the most challenging for the two of us- living in Las Vegas with Jeff's parents who turns out didn't want us there as much as they said they did. Jeff Finding out about his aborted sibling 30 years after the fact and how that destroyed him; leaving me to pick up all his broken pieces. Re-living with Scott and figuring out who i am as a person. Watching Jeff leave to California without me and having to deal with that was extremely hard... Jeff and I barely spend time apart. Then finding out that when getting to California that Jeff wasn't happy with me and my lack of funds was yet another hurdle that him and i had to get over. Then my sickness occurred which brought things into perspective... but no matter how bad things got between the two of us Jeff always loved me and i him. So today marks a triumph. That Jeff and I were able to overcome in order to continue to be together.So happy 7th anniversary to me!!!!         

The Last 12 Weeks...

The last 12 weeks have been very stressful on me, my body and my psyche. My pain tolerance has become extremely high due to almost dying twice- once due to stress on my heart and the second time when I had an allergic reaction to bug bites. My garden seems all but dried up right now... but i am working on getting back on track with my emotions. This has been hard on me trying to get over the pain that people caused me in Vegas and being separated from Jeff. Its hard to put it into words what i have gone thru- all of the hurt, betrayal, pain and having to loose everything that I hold dear makes me really want to separate myself from the world. Usually I go to my gardens to try and recoup/ relax but my heart is so scarred from the royal beat down from life that I can't see my happy place at this moment in time.

 

I catch glimpses of my garden... the greenery in California makes me happy and it is reflected in the gardens. normally I would find the good in the situation and turn my frown upside down but lately depression has been my new found friend. It saddens me that i lost alot of people because of the move and I know that it is for the best but it still hurts having to go thru all of the motions of feeling the loss. i know that the economy is icky and that most people do not have employment and i happen to be one of them so i hope that I can find something that I can do fast so that my stress level can calm down. Strange that money is my only down point in my life and is the root of all of my stress with Jeff. I left vegas to be with the man that i love and came back to cali with nothing but his promises and he didn't mean them. Everyday I get a little bit stronger and my energy gets higher daily. So I say my prayers and have faith to overcome all of my obstacles in my life and wish that things were better. Then I realize that things are better and that the money thing will come when its time; that this too shall pass in my life and I have to be content that this is what I have to do in order to be the person that I want to be.

 

Even the darker side of cynne site has suffered as a result of this hurtfulness. But I will do my best to get back to the writing...       

Look past the beauty for once people...

It really does get underneath my skin how much shit I have to endure when it comes to my beauty. Prettiness is a personal problem with me due to all of the scandal it produces for me. People believe that just because I am attractive it automatically means that I am a high maintenance bitch- that I talk down to people and make others feel small. I have to work extra hard to make sure that I don't loose my cool in front of people because then all of the things that they say about me behind my back are confirmed.

First off: I am not vain or care that much about my looks. granted I know how to apply makeup and look good doesn't make me a bad person or a mean girl. I was picked on and bullied for most of my life due to people not accepting of my nice personality. I didn't turn pretty till I was 16. That means I had 16 years to build up a personality, learn grace, humility and how to be a nice person. I have certain principles and something called integrity. I do not go out of my way to make people feel bad about their life or their overall looks. I grew up as a tomboy; playing in trees and I'm not afraid to get my hands dirty. I mean I shuck oysters and get out pearls for a living! I am a goofball geek who happens to be hot. I have self esteem and self confidence... so that makes me a bitch!?! Sorry but my Nana and my momma raised me well- I have manners, etiquette, and I am very polite and grateful for the people/things in my life. I'm me. I do not go out of my way to be anything but myself; but at times i will diminish my light in order to make people feel more comfortable... but I am tired of people telling me that I cannot shine because they do not want me to shine brightly in front of them. Tired of being the one that is considered the villain for being the "pretty one" because the person pissed at me isn't as pretty as me. if my looks weren't what they are I wouldn't be having these kinds of problems...

I know when you read this that most will not understand why i feel this way- only people who have been through this kind of experience will truly understand what i am going through. If i put much stock into the bible then beauty along with my other qualities are considered gifts from god; which means that they are gifts bestowed and curses to bear. I have learned that people will see me as they want to see me; viewing certain traits but not the whole of me. That i am whatever you want me to be; but with all that said I am still me and myself despite your selfish intentions of me. Beauty at least to me is a double edged sword in my life- women hate me and men rape me. Women assume that I'm a bitch and are rude to me and men objectify me and take things from me that I do not want to give. So yes i find it funny when people say that they wish they could be me- if people knew my full history of what I have been through you may not want to be me. It wasn't easy going through all of the shit I went through. likewise it isn't easy to be the person you see before you now given my past. People make too many damn assumptions about me that it makes my head spin. so I did what i do best write the pain out of me. I wrote a poem reflecting on the past month of how people have been treating me. enjoy...



My eyes will show you what I have been through;
Look carefully big heart will reveal scars, wounds and breaks.
My personality qualifies me as a geek;
a nerd and a dork...
but all you see is my beauty.
Only focusing on the physical;
my my how shallow are you...

Beauty for me is a consistent pain;
A torment that I would gladly choose not to feel.
Yet people will not let me forget what I look like.
Throwing it up in my face as if its suppose to mean something to me
My beauty is riddled with pain;
because others will not let me be prettier than them.
It fills my life with such evilness that I wish i didn't look this way
equating beauty with pain and pain with beauty
has become a calming mantra for my life...

Jealousy, envy, pettiness are some well known friends
reminding me why most girls cannot be my friend.
Because being myself casts shadows on others;
bringing out their insecurity and their shortcomings
focusing all of their anger from themselves to me.
just to make themselves feel better;
meanwhile putting me in my so called place.
So that I cannot outshine...

Men befriend me in order to get into my pants
a careless boob grab here
hands accidentally slip to my ass
with that look in their eye as if I'm already naked.
Being looked at as an object, a prize;
a conquest makes me sick to my stomach
seeing the seed of lust rise from men's eyes and smile
makes me want to take a shower for days...

Yet for all or your assumptions of me
you do not really see me
showing me that you do not really know me at all
I accept that I have to deal with this my whole entire life;
what I will not accept is making me hurt so you can feel better.
so please stop comparing me to you.
Handle your own "inner" issues and demons
without me being blamed for them.
Cause I'm going to continue being myself;
and if you think i shone before-
you haven't seen nothing yet!

Where I have been...

A great many things have changed since my last post on Cynnefull Gardens. For one, I am not living in the state of sunny California anymore. I left my friends, family and everything I knew in order to be with the man I love in an indulgent Las Vegas Nevada. I originally thought that this was going to be the best thing that had ever happen to me since meeting Jeff but this experience is not something I'd wish on my worse enemy. Although things have been rough to say the least these "experiences" have shaped me into someone who is stronger and more capable. I have overcome adversity and have only recently had to deal with other peoples drama. It has been 16 months since I have been away from my greenery that is California... hince my absence from my Cynnefull Gardens. I have come to learn that I have not figured out how to relax/ mediatate or have "me time" in this place. There is an element of distrust here that forces you to put your guard up; I found out the hard way that it needs to stay up despite how tired I get keeping it up. As a result new plants, animals and trees have sprang up having to do with bitterment, resentfulness, and betrayal. These new emotions aren't normally found here or inside my heart for that matter... but they have now planted their seeds within and have taken root. 

Cynnefull Gardens has grown into something that is a refelction of the totality of me; I have created another page called "A Darker Side of Cynne..." which talks about the more erotic places within the gardens. It is the only writing I have been able to write out here in Vegas... the city of sin. Unless you have been to Vegas then you know that aroma of erotica that fills the air here. Where night life has a whole new meaning here...  

.          A Darker Side of Cynne...

It's been a While

Feels like I have been away from here forever... this past year has been filled with many challenges and unexpected twists and turns. Life has been careful not to give me any time to myself or to walk in my garden. Its regrettable that I cannot visit as much as I used to... but in my absence something strange and amazing happened. Cynnefull Gardens became more expansive; more plants began to sprout and flowers that weren't there are now coming to fruition. Animals are starting to appear that I do not recognize but I accept them as I would accept my own flesh and blood.


Too much time has passed and I have gotten away from the essence of what is truly Cynnefull Gardens. Each plant, each seed is a memory from my life. Some bright and beautiful others dark and painful to the core. but they are my stories; meant to inspire and to help other people who have had similar experiences. Cynne despite her name is of the light; she serves only the garden and that is where her power remains. She is sexy, confident and knows what she wants yet is a woman who can admit to her vulnerability to attain an inner strength unlike any other. Her pain, suffering, torment as well as her light, her laugh, and her love sustain this place that I lovingly call Cynnefull Gardens.


In this coming year I will be writing stories and hopefully painting artwork that corresponds to the stories... maybe some photos/artwork of Cynne herself to make it interesting. Thank you for sticking with me and the evolution of Cynnefull Gardens

There was a Time...

There was a time that I would have done anything for you;
Only if you had asked me to.
I was entranced by your vocal tone;
Sounded like sweet honey touched by the sun;
So charming and filled with purpose…

I could listen to your voice forever;
Holding that much power over me
By your sheer voice of temptation
Urging me to do your bidding.
I had no choice but to follow your every command

And when you whispered into my ear
I couldn’t help but loose myself in your capable hands
Felt the weight of your body next to mine
Realizing that I was yours to do whatever with
Yet you denied me fully being with you

I remember being taken in by your charm;
Your manners and etiquette…
Even your smile…
Wishing you would fall in love with me
But you never did.

All I was good for was forbidden fruit;
Something to be seductive;
Seduced and tempt worthy of lust;
Wanted for my goodies;
Not for who I am…

Even when I said no to you;
Your words made me feel guilty
The vocal tone changing to manipulate matters more
Trying to break down my will
So that you could control me with your voice…

But I would have done anything for you
Just to hear your voice course through my body
To hear you call out my name in sheer pleasure
Calling out my name in erotic pain…
But those days are no more.

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

Something that will Never be...

I forgot how enticing your voice can be,
How wounded and lonely you can sound
Especially after a night of drinking
When you call me on the phone
Just to hear my voice…

I could have sworn you sounded in pain
That you were distressed somehow;
Thinking that I was the one that could make you feel better
You told me not to worry about you;
That you were just checking in with me…

This is not something you do for me…
You asked about my holiday as if you cared;
Which I know that you didn’t;

You were never able to fool me;
But I allowed you to think that you did.
I’ve always known that which you hide behind your eyes;
Known what you hide behind your tone of voice;
Because you and I have always been the same in that manner

Understood all too well what kind of sexual darkness that you possess
That you and I have had a sexual tension between us;
An impulse to ravenge and control
Those who cannot refuse us;
Relishing the foreplay within it all…

I can hear it in your carefully chosen words;
The tension even now is too much to contain.
Accents and reflections on certain words…
Feeling each of the long pauses in between topics of conversation
Begging me to come back into your world

But that voice of yours…
As sweet as the devil himself
Calls to me
Inviting me to give into it
To remember what could have been.

Reminding me of something that will never be...

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved.

No Sympathy for the Devil...

Your voice is so haunting;
Lonely like the darkness
And yet childlike as an innocent;
But you are none
That voice that sounds so pain-filled
Yet concealing nothing to my ears

For that brief moment
I heard your sorrow
And almost succumbed to it
Felt your trap
And knowing that it was one
Still I played into your little game again

All due to the power of your voice;
The timber of your voice;
The tone in which you convey your desire for me
Almost falling into the temptation of believing you
Becoming sympathetic to your need as if it was my own

A manipulative voice that spews half truths;
Giving the air of plausibility to the lie
So that it is to be considered truth…
A charming manipulation to show that you are in control

Your voice;
Which has bewitched me time and time again
Failed you today;
For I saw through your guise;
And realized for the first time that
You have no power over me;

No sympathy for the devil tonight…

Copywright 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All Rights Reserved

Before the Dawn Comes...

Enjoying the darkness and the silence that the hours before dawn brings.
listening to the sounds that have been all but forgotten...
And in this darkness I fear no evil;
Overtaken by what the dawn will bring.
I look forawrd to the darkness;
Welcoming it with open arms.

The silence has become my friend
Consoling me in my hour of need...
These two entities do not lie to me;
Telling me truth after truth...
About me;
about life...

In this time before the dawn comes
I feel safest of all;
Surrounded by a veil of comfort
Enclosed within a clamness of sound.
This is when my peace comes out
Always before the dawn comes...

Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay 2009, All Rights Reserved.

Garden Cottage

Garden Cottage

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay. All rights reserved

This is my second attempt at using my photoshop program... Garden Cottage is a blending of many pictures that I took from the Lake Shrine in Pacific Palasades, Ca.