"The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bosom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.- "
For all of you new readers this is my welcome blog. The seeds that were all planted here are from my life; that I have nurtured and raised myself. You can call them memories of my past, knowledge, experience, a representation of my soul... these are the flowers that make up my heart.
The very first flower in my garden of Cynne I did not create; that seed was from my creator who made me. It took a very long while to coax out the plant that was inside of the seed like it was undecided about which type of flower it wanted to be. Slowly this stub of green started to emerge and my life began to take shape. My mother nurtured it, my sisters cared for it, my brother protected it and my father shined like the sun to help my inner flower grow. As I was experiencing life at the age of 5, the sun's rays began to dissipate and my sunlight was no longer there to keep me warm. Looking back, that was when my father lost his will to succeed and began to shut himself off from the world. His absence stunted my growth into this beautiful flower that I was becoming and it was the beginning of the end as I knew it. There was less and less time for my mother to nurture me with her having to make end meet while my Father was having health issues. Then my sister's went off to their own lives and there was no one to care for me; weeds began to grow all around me. By age 8 my bother had gone off to college and wasn't able to protect me anymore. When my Nana came into the picture I was 5... but my growth from her tutelage didn't begin till I was 8. From that point on she was my everything that I needed to grow; taking on all roles that my family had neglected to do.
The next 5 years my flower grew strong and healthy... my soul was receiving all of the things that It needed and I was so happy. I felt cared for again and it was magical till the day it was gone. Everyone was so busy taking care of me that I never was taught to take care of my own self; provide for my own well being. My father's illness had gotten the best of him and since Nana wasn't here to shield me from his verbal abuse my flower wilted and was no more... Weeds sprang up in its place from age 13 to 19 are what I refer to as my "lost years." Memories that were filled with pain, anger, rage, depression, emptiness, and emotional turmoil. Each memory became a new flower growing in the darkest part of my heart. A place that is sometimes too hard for me to walk through when I am in Cynnefull Gardens... but I go and see them because they are a part of me; still beautiful growing from the darkness that was my heart so long ago...
What had felt like an eternity had passed before my soul re-emerged back up to the surface in the form of a flower. Still surrounded by weeds; taken over by all of the thorny flowers that had run a muck while my soul was trying to find the strength to resurface. This was when I learned how to love myself; to fully understand that I didn't need my family to do this for me... that I could function and survive on my own without feeling like the rug has just been pulled from underneath me. My brain was trying desperately to remember how my grandmother did it; so that I could at least imitate it till I begun to acquire the skills needed to raise myself. As I was tending to my self; this precursor to Cynnefull Gardens, my dark flowers were turning into scars that would not heal emotionally. My "inner me," the tiny version of me who tended to my heart, was looking like I was a dead ringer for Carrie 2. Except these scars were killing me in a constricting manner; pressing against me while puncturing my skin. En caging me to a life that I did not want; transforming me into a person my soul did not want to become...
Eventually, I was able to forgive myself, and the others that were causing me pain to begin the healing process within my soul. So that my heart could be at ease from the strangle hold those emotions put me in. I learned how to become my own tender of my garden... which has now grown into Cynnefull Gardens. My first seed being able to open itself to the brightest sun within me that I can muster up. Who's nurturance is given freely and without a price; getting cared for the way that my creator had originally intended and was denied permission till now... Weeds are no longer present in these gardens. The dark flowers have a place of their own where the sun shines least of all on them; but it shines nevertheless.
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