Butterfly Wings...

Butterfly Wings

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

This is one of those pieces of artwork that I just pulled from everything that I could think of that I wanted in the picture and then scaled back to produce Butterfly Wings. Not quite sure why the blue is in there... this was originally going to be purple and black color scheme but it looked cooler with them there.

Little Worlds...

Little Worlds

©2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Bubbles are happy things... I wanted to create a picture that used bubbles and happy things. Rainbows, multi colored bubbles, nature and some fairy elements are incorporated within most of the bubbles.

Cynnefull Gardens: First Seed Fruition...

"The cooling effect of the gentle breeze as it passes through your soul, taking away all of the negativity that you once had. The array of greenery/ plants that are my own; seeds collected over my past, present and future growing to fruition. The morning dew that lovingly drips off the leaves, quenching humming birds thirst. The Sky above engulfing Cynnefull gardens, protecting it from outside influences. The sunshine that faintly warms your skin, as if kissed by the sun herself. Babbling brooks and springs, to relax your fears away. Let the fragrance of flowers intoxicate your senses. Forcing yourself to relax as if you are floating on a cloud... Mother Earth below ensuring growth and evolution of everything contained within her bosom. Nurturing the seeds that you could be planting all around you; within you. Cynnefull gardens is my refuge; my place of solitude, my inner sanctum.- "

Cynnefull Gardens Welcome

For all of you new readers this is my welcome blog. The seeds that were all planted here are from my life; that I have nurtured and raised myself. You can call them memories of my past, knowledge, experience, a representation of my soul... these are the flowers that make up my heart.

The very first flower in my garden of Cynne I did not create; that seed was from my creator who made me. It took a very long while to coax out the plant that was inside of the seed like it was undecided about which type of flower it wanted to be. Slowly this stub of green started to emerge and my life began to take shape. My mother nurtured it, my sisters cared for it, my brother protected it and my father shined like the sun to help my inner flower grow. As I was experiencing life at the age of 5, the sun's rays began to dissipate and my sunlight was no longer there to keep me warm. Looking back, that was when my father lost his will to succeed and began to shut himself off from the world. His absence stunted my growth into this beautiful flower that I was becoming and it was the beginning of the end as I knew it. There was less and less time for my mother to nurture me with her having to make end meet while my Father was having health issues. Then my sister's went off to their own lives and there was no one to care for me; weeds began to grow all around me. By age 8 my bother had gone off to college and wasn't able to protect me anymore. When my Nana came into the picture I was 5... but my growth from her tutelage didn't begin till I was 8. From that point on she was my everything that I needed to grow; taking on all roles that my family had neglected to do.

The next 5 years my flower grew strong and healthy... my soul was receiving all of the things that It needed and I was so happy. I felt cared for again and it was magical till the day it was gone. Everyone was so busy taking care of me that I never was taught to take care of my own self; provide for my own well being. My father's illness had gotten the best of him and since Nana wasn't here to shield me from his verbal abuse my flower wilted and was no more... Weeds sprang up in its place from age 13 to 19 are what I refer to as my "lost years." Memories that were filled with pain, anger, rage, depression, emptiness, and emotional turmoil. Each memory became a new flower growing in the darkest part of my heart. A place that is sometimes too hard for me to walk through when I am in Cynnefull Gardens... but I go and see them because they are a part of me; still beautiful growing from the darkness that was my heart so long ago...

What had felt like an eternity had passed before my soul re-emerged back up to the surface in the form of a flower. Still surrounded by weeds; taken over by all of the thorny flowers that had run a muck while my soul was trying to find the strength to resurface. This was when I learned how to love myself; to fully understand that I didn't need my family to do this for me... that I could function and survive on my own without feeling like the rug has just been pulled from underneath me. My brain was trying desperately to remember how my grandmother did it; so that I could at least imitate it till I begun to acquire the skills needed to raise myself. As I was tending to my self; this precursor to Cynnefull Gardens, my dark flowers were turning into scars that would not heal emotionally. My "inner me," the tiny version of me who tended to my heart, was looking like I was a dead ringer for Carrie 2. Except these scars were killing me in a constricting manner; pressing against me while puncturing my skin. En caging me to a life that I did not want; transforming me into a person my soul did not want to become...

Eventually, I was able to forgive myself, and the others that were causing me pain to begin the healing process within my soul. So that my heart could be at ease from the strangle hold those emotions put me in. I learned how to become my own tender of my garden... which has now grown into Cynnefull Gardens. My first seed being able to open itself to the brightest sun within me that I can muster up. Who's nurturance is given freely and without a price; getting cared for the way that my creator had originally intended and was denied permission till now... Weeds are no longer present in these gardens. The dark flowers have a place of their own where the sun shines least of all on them; but it shines nevertheless.

Widowed Lies...

Widowed Lies

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Purple is a beautiful color and I realized that I needed a design that incorporated it more than just a splash here and there. Weird random thoughts kept popping in to my head... the one that stuck was the words: "Little girls are made up of sugar, spice and everything nice..." So the picture began to take on more feminine attributes to reflect this quote. Having different types of various females exuding different personas of the female made sense to me. The blue galaxy is the focal point to bring you into the picture so that you take in the message as a whole; not in the sum of the pieces within the picture put together. At the end I was trying to come up with the title of the design [I never name it first without seeing the finished product... even when doing them for my poems] the ending theme song from The Fifth Element" popped into my head. The song was called "Little Light of Love" by RXRA and when I heard the line 'little light' my mind changed it into Widowed Lies...

Ice Queen...

Ice Queen

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Ice Queen is an emotional piece with a mixture of white ice, snow and blues. At one point in my life I was an extremely cold and cruel person. My whole world had ended when my Nana died; she took with her all of my May day happiness and this summer knew what it had meant to become winter. It reminded me of the Greek myth of Persephone and why we have the seasons... Demeter's dying every time her daughter would go to the underworld causing the changes of the seasons. In this case the season being my life. Some of the ice is smooth likened to my expression back then; I was too numb to pay attention to anyone or thing. Icicles were my pointy daggers that I would throw to people who commented on how cold-hearted I had become. My body was covered in sheets of ice and was used as an armor towards the outside world. Soon I was dubbed, "The Ice Queen" or "The Icy Bitch." Winter was permanent for me; my heart locked away in a very cold and intolerable place. Depression soon set in and nothing mattered much in those days... that is why the color chosen was for the "blues."

Mysty...

Mysty

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

The Ocean and Icebergs were always a point of interest to me... under the fullness of the moon the ocean ebbs and flows like a metronome counting out the precise rhythm of life. That visual picture in my head was the one that sparked this design to be made. Mysty is one of my more subtle pieces of artwork that involves very few layers but gives the desired effect the way that I had it intended. The iceberg int this picture was meant more to look like mist [myst] so that it took its own shape and form within the picture. Adding the hint of the Japanese cherry blossom tree in the top left corner really gave the picture a feeling of land in the background... but there isn't; the blossoms come out of nowhere and meet with the mist out of the clear midnight blue sky. It has been said that the ocean is like that of a woman so I incorporated that aspect within Mysty... this design was also one of my myspace backgrounds as well.

Emmeralde

Emmeralde

© 2009 Purely Cynnefull Designs

Green is the closest color that my energy vibrates to... sometimes a mixture of blues and yellows but for the most part its emerald green for it vibrance. I wanted to create this ensemble of green colors together to show my blend of the energy with a hint of pink to represent the 4th charkra- the heart. Originally this was used as one of my own myspace backgrounds and that is why the "Property of Ashlee Lindsay" is not on there...

My Relationship w/ Jeff...

Jeff and I have been together for over 3 years now... for the both of us this is a lifetime together! But only in the number; it hasn't felt like it has been 3 years. Both of us are 2 very distinct people...

Jeff vibrates more towards red & orange: action, anger, brutal honesty, and his animistic nature within him. Striving for perfection and purity that he rarely finds within himself and others. He is always true to himself and to his beliefs even if they hurt you unintentionally. Words to him have no meaning and the words that come out of his mouth can be detrimental to someone if they do not know who they are; or someone who takes the meaning behind the words more seriously than he does. Jeff is a true human volcano looking for someone or something to cause him to erupt. He isn't a danger to me or to anyone else; he is just rough around the edges because life has molded him that way. Jeff can be easily disgusted with things that he views that are wrong, yet he has the most wonderful laugh and childlike charm to counterbalance his less than likable qualities. His smile, genuineness and protectiveness towards me is something that I have only experienced with him within a relationship. There is no control, manipulation, breaking of my will or abuse in any way... he accepts me for me.

I on the other hand vibrate more towards a mixture of blue & yellow: thought, words, patience, honesty without cruelty, tolerant, hope, principalities, caring, and unconditional love. My extremes are felt on an everyday basis and you are never sure what you are going to get from me on any given day. My complexities are very deeply rooted in me and yet are very simplified. Beauty and appreciation of all things makes me grateful for everything that has been given to me; good and bad. Life could have made me a much colder person but I choose to be warm, generous and nurturing towards others. I am childlike; with a laugh that rivals Santa Claus. My soul, heart and mind all work together to give me that resilience that I need to survive. Faith, love and hope are my means of motivation for the cornerstones of my life. I am a combination of air and water...

This relationship is an odd mixture: one is overly caring on the outside while the other cares on the inside. One refuses to show anger openly while the other has no problem getting it out if his system. I do not need to yell, fight , or argue to get my point across; I just write/type it out of my system so that you cannot see my buttons to get underneath my skin. Jeff cannot let any type of anger linger in his system for too long because it will fester. One openly asks for help with things; the other looks at help as a criticism. Yet we are both highly intelligent creatures each in our own way; Jeff gets numbers, logic and psychics. I get emotions, behaviors and the relationship between thoughts & emotions expressed explaining it in a logical manner.

In the last 3 years Jeff and I have turned each others world upside down; I like to be around people flaws and all while Jeff cannot handle stupidity in any shape or form. He has no tolerance for anything that he cannot logically understand and I will take the time to explain it to him... Jeff gives me harshness while I try to soften him; something which he dislikes but tolerates because he loves me so much. We love each other so much that we listen to each others views/perspectives on life and find a happy medium within ourselves to co-exist with one another. Yes, we do rub each other the wrong way a lot of the time; we are constantly eroding away that part of ourselves that keeps us narrow minded and closed off from other ways at looking at the world. Re-building the core concept of who we are and what we represent into a better working version of our self for all to take notice of.

For all of Jeff's rough exterior he his quite gentle, caring and gets easily hurt if he isn't appreciated in all that he does for you. This is what I show on the outside. This is the side of him that rarely comes out because it is too vulnerable for him to show. Sometimes I have to bring out my anger to show him that words do hurt because they do have meaning; that I may be immuned to his venomous tone but that doesn't mean the poison does not affect me. That the tears that I shed are not from fear or sadness; that they are cause I am angry and my adrenaline is pumping. Lashing out only as a last resort with carefully chosen words in a tone that he will listen to. I am zen till it is time not to be zen...

Despite all of this, Jeff and I are extremely lovable towards one another which actually surprises the both of us. Our hearts have been closed off for a very long time and the fact that we allowed each other into our hearts in the first place is hard to believe. I have a giving heart but not in relationships; that nearly always leaves me broken and numb. Jeff only gives if he is in a relationship; then gives it up when the girl consistently disappoints him. We are by no means each other's "ideal companion" for one another but it is my flaws that make me human and he wouldn't have me any other way... Jeff needs someone to love him past all of the hostility and aloneness that he harbors within him; someone who knows what it is like and still can be sweet and kind all the while living with that cold feeling...

Love is an emotion that I understand well; Jeff doesn't get it and just knows that he cannot be with out me for any period of time. [makes going to work for him that much harder now that we do not work together anymore] His love for me is instinctual; primal and yet protective and nurturing...only caring about my happiness. Cause when I am happy; he is happy. Simply put: we are opposites that are just mirror images of one another's souls.

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 2

My girlfriends have asked me how to be more feminine; putting on the correct make-up, dress, walk, poise, etc. and I have responded, "Watch a professional Drag Queen if you want to see the essence of what a woman should personify..." Usually I suggest To Wong foo, Looking at Vida Bohemme's character (Patrick Swayze) to show the elegance and grace that a female can and does posses. Now, I refer them to "Rupaul's Drag Race" so that they can 'see' all of the wonderful rainbows of the feminine personas to pick and choose what they want to take from each contestant; Even Rupaul herself.

For tips on applying make- up may I suggest Expert Village Videos - this link brings you to a highlighting & Contouring video... a make-up technique that you see the Drag Queens using in "RuPaul's Drag Race." I find that it is always better to watch someone do it then try it yourself then reading from a book then trying to recreate it.

M.A.C cosmetics is a good product to use if you are going to go full out on make-up. There are rumors that M.A.C is bad for your face; that the products make your face break out and whatnot but I haven't found that to be true in my case. Also used on Rupaul's Drag Race and the Queens look phenomenal! M.A.C.s range of colors and types of products makes me wish that I had the money to buy all of them and become a make-up artist for M.A.C! Take the time to really look at all of the different products to see what their uses are and if you can, and have the money go to the nearest M.A.C counter and ask for a make-over (Minimum spending is $60 I believe... but it is so worth it!)

Clothing: that can be a little bit trickier than the make-up... First of all, you need to find your body type. body types can be varying for everyone. The New York Post had a good article about this topic... also try this video: How to pick clothes for your body type. still not satisfied and want to make your own clothes... Click HERE . Sewing is a talent that not wo/man should be without; especially if you need to make something fabulous and money is an issue.

The Walk: Walking is hard enough; walking in heels is scary if you are not used to them. I didn't wear heels till I was 18, even then I couldn't walk in them. The trick- Heel then toe in a straight line; pretend like you are walking on a trapeze. One foot in front of the other heel then toe. When you do this your hips will naturally move to help counterbalance you. If your left foot is stepping then when you put your heel down your right hip will jet to the right; right foot it will be your left hip to the left. It will feel funny at first; especially if you have poor posture. Walk with your head straight and looking forward.

Posture: To feel how 'off ' your posture is try this- place your fingertips behind your earlobes (where the part of skin that connects to your neck and jawbone) and gently push up. If you cannot feel the difference immediately then have a friend stand behind you to do it to you using one hand cupping the back of your neck (thumb on one side, fingers on the other)This will definitely feel funny is you have not done this before... eyes should be in front of you; as if you are staring at someone. (If you cannot look directly at them; stare at their nose or forehead right above the eyes)

Poise: Every woman should be able to walk into a room and have all eyes immediately on them. Side effects of this include: jealous/resentful/ insecure/envious women giving you the evil eye and dawging you for the rest of the night. Relax- just smile even brighter and be even more charming even if you are crawling out of your skin; you love yourself more than they could ever hate you! Don't worry- just approach them with a sincere smile and give them a compliment; you'll be friends for the rest of the night.

Gestures: What a Drag-videos that starts with make-up and ends with poise/gestures from a Drag Queen point of view. Women move slowly and gracefully; not fast or without thought. They use smaller motions and look as if they are flowing like a river never touching the ground.

Hair: If you like wigs... Lace front wigs are the best! they are barely visible and when contoured correctly you can hardly notice. If you need a hair consult- go HERE- this link will take you to The hair styler. Giving you a more complete breakdown of your needs. (even includes your facial shape) If you aren't sure about your hair type but can look at a description and picts go HERE- this link takes you to an excerpt of Andre Walker's hair classification system on Naturally curly. These are all of the tips/hints/ secrets that i can share with you at the moment... I cannot think of anymore yet I know that I am forgetting much...

What I Learned From Cosmo & Drag... Part 1

As a female, should I be learning how to be a woman from Drag Queen? Yes! After much research I have found out that "drag" isn't quite the accurate word for Drag Queens; most prefer Female impersonator because they do more than just dress up as a girl. According to Wikipedia however it is the opposite... so for sake of argument I will call these "women" Drag Queens because everyone is familiar with that name.

I know that I am a beautiful woman... so much so that it reflects out of me; shinning forth from within myself. But I wasn't always like this; as a child I was literally a wall flower. I only spoke when someone asked me a question; extremely shy around others and with myself. I had no idea who Ashlee was or how to express her. She was just inside of me waiting for me to let her out yet I couldn't; I was afraid of her and what she would be capable of. To this day I still do not reveal my full personality for that same reason. The only difference is that I know who I am and how to express myself without being too in your face. Went the direction of more refined than showy; substituting brash abrasiveness, hostility and self assuradeness for grace, elegance, and etiquette, and manners. Not exactly what you would picture a Gemini to act and behave; but I looked liked a Gemini; read books, wrote, and had an affinity for schooling.

It wasn't till I hit high school and made cheer squad that You saw the transformation within me. Most people though that I had low self-esteem issues; including my mother... I just noticed as a little girl in elementary school that if you looked pretty; ascetically pleasing to the eye that you were handed things easier than if you were not pleasing to the eyes. That people gave me handouts! Doing things for me that I could do myself because I was so pretty. It actually bothered me greatly; the injustice of it all and I rebelled against it. In 1993, "Spuermodel" by RuPaul came out and I was fascinated by how well a man could look as a female... the curves of the body; the "tuck" walking in heels. I was blown away and remembered something: Watching an ode to the 80's weekend on VH1 I saw the video "love shack" by the B-52's... that was when I saw Rupaul for the first time and died at how gorgeous she was. Form this point on RuPaul has been an inspiration to me; Her balance of female personas has been something that I have admired since I knew who she was.

Then when I had to "look " the part of a cheerleader I went out and got every single month of Cosmo magazine so that I could understand what the hell I was getting myself into. This was a huge step for me cause in 8th grade I wore baggy jeans and big tops; not letting people see my figure so that they could say that my boobs were huge. (size 32 c) thanks to Cosmo I had learned how to put om make-up, and carry myself as a woman. the result showed up when A teacher even told his football students that "I am the essence of a woman and what a woman should be..." just so that they could give me my football booster award. No one knew a thing about me!

What does this side story have to do with Drag Queens!?! Everything! In order to be a great Drag Queen, you need to know what makes up the essence of a woman; so that the wo/man can become the "Queen." It is not something that we are automatically born with; it has to be learned, adapted and then applied so very well that it becomes second nature to be feminine... even girls have a major challenge to be ultra-feminine. Like the Drag Queens, I had to study the role of acting like royalty; but not being above everyone else. That is a very fine line to walk because the only thing that saves you from bitchy females are your manners... even of you want to get in their face for prejudging you due to their insecurity.

Back then I wish that I was someones Drag Daughter... taken underneath their wings and shown the way of femininity. Being a Tomboy came easier to me than putting on a fufu dress and make-up. It was too time consuming and I had things to do; trees to climb and digging in the mud. Then in 1995 the movie, "To Wong Foo, Thanks For Everything! Julie Newmar" came out and Drag would be forever ingrained in my mind. It taught me to celebrate my womanness and be proud of what my mother gave me to shake. that it was alright to be myself... despite what others thought about me. I became more outgoing; hung out with gay men giving them the latest fashion tips that I had found out from Cosmo. Even arguing about the guys we liked! My confidence level was always high but hidden; never wanting to make the jealousy/ resentment/ envy a bigger issue than it already was. High school is tough enough as is- I didn't want to add to it. Unfortunately for me everyone else did. Cheer Mothers were telling their daughters, "why can't you be more like Ashlee..." making comments about my body; my smile, my whole persona. My friends would get reamed by their parents often being compared to me... it was horrible and had to deal with sabotage for most of my high school years...

Thank goodness I survived; did some modeling and learned the true value of applying make-up and the many effects that one can create just to one's own face... let alone someone elses. Took a course on theatre costume and make-up in college and once again reminded myself of the performer that was inside of me that I rarely showed... yet out shined everyone when she came out of her box. I transformed myself into a cheetah; wearing a cheetah print top and sarong; letting my hair naturally curl untamed by my headband... it was so thrilling and yet no one know it was me. The illusion had worked and I thought to myself." this must be how a Drag Queen feels when he gets mistaken for a woman..."


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What have we become...

First off, the world being in upheaval hasn't escaped me; I feel the vibrations of things out of balance and I am very concerned about it. Whether or not this is the end of the world as we know it or not, things are not alright on any level. It's almost as if the universe has heard all of our bitching, yelling , moaning and has decided to really give us something to complain about. Mother Nature is so tired of us burning down her trees, creating global warming, senseless killing of animals, over population of her earth that she is now unleashing her full wrath on us as well... now people are turning more primal and animistic in the nature. I can't help but wonder what have become and how do we stop the terror/evil that is within ourselves from destroying everything that we love?

I look around me and see people suffering for no reason; I understand that the Universe, God, Creator needs us to suffer when it has a purpose. You need both water and rain to grow; needing both happiness and suffering to grow into the being that you are to become... but a person who has money and looks down on others for not having money; rubbing it in their faces while they are loosing their jobs, their livelihoods... well that is just plain cruel. Every second of every minute someone out there is getting their house foreclosed upon; wondering how they are going to keep a roof over their family's head. How they are going to feed their children when they cannot afford to... Teachers who shape the minds of our future are being laid off and children are slipping through the education system cracks without proper guidance and nurturing. The world that we are living in at this very moment is unraveling all around us and the only thing that can save us is us- and we have forgotten how to do that a long time ago when materialism became more important than spiritualism and communing with nature.

Were you aware that the trees aren't producing enough oxygen? In fact they are absorbing so much carbon monoxide that they cannot convert it all into oxygen and are producing less and less as a result? On top of that, we are cutting away precious rain forest trees; an animals habitat just so that human beings can be more comfortable with our precious "possessions."

Animals that I grew up learning about are about to become extinct from our direct influence on their lives. Who ever said that human beings were more superior than the animals that have been here a lot longer than we have. We were never top of the food chain; that is the illusion. Animals haven't had a reason till now to looking at us as food. Cause now it is all about survival of the fittest; natural selection at its best.

What I once thought to be human nature is not anymore; in these harsh times people are not banding together like we should be doing... given the choice they are being selfish and looking out for what is theirs. Making sure that there is plenty for them and that it sucks to be you because you do not have. People are turning greedier when they should be lending a hand to help; sharing in this time of uncertainty but they are hoarding. Treating others as inferior; worthless and without value. Have our hearts gone that cold that even though you and I all have problems mine are more important than yours!?! That we are putting ourselves before others cause we feel that entitled? Has our pride gotten so high that we cannot see the things that actually matter more than just out egos?If this has become so then human beings are destined to fall...

Hope, faith and love are my biggest strengths in this world which sort of make me an easy target to be manipulated, coerced, and constantly taken advantage of. In my heart I believe that the good outweighs the bad within us all but I have to say that people when given the chance will use you if they think that you have something that they want; discarding you when they have used you up. Do a person a favor and they are grateful, appreciative and accepting of that gift; do a person 10 favors and they are expecting the 11th. Cynical and pessimistic I know but unfortunately this is a real phenomenon that occurs much too commonly. Listen to song #76 on my playlist. It is called What have we Become by DC Talk... this song was written back in 1996... and yet it is as true then as it is now. I have linked the blog title to the lyrics for this song to get a better picture of what I am trying to convey.

I understand that people are not like me; I have accepted that and come to embrace it. I turn on the news and hear about all of the sad things going on and I understand that sad things do happen every single moment of every single day... but what I cannot comprehend is why we treat others so poorly when we just want them to accept us; the real person that isn't the lie that has to be maintained in order for appearances.

When did it become okay to intentionally make people feel smaller when they are just trying to survive the day just like you are? Everyone is guilty of lashing out at someone... but was the lashing out really necessary? I get that it is [sometimes] better to get it out of you than it is to hold it in but why that particular person at the particular time? Why continue the cycle of anger/hate/frustration onto others when you should be dealing with it yourself? So what if you are angry/hurt/betrayed... that still doesn't give you the right to take it out on someone else; or does it? In this day and age more people are starting to lead to the latter of the two and for what purpose? Cause I know that it doesn't make you feel any better... so why continue to do it.

Everyday more and more people are reverting back to their most primal of instincts and that scares me; I have seen what happens first hand when people turn primal. The switch for whats right and what;s wrong gets short circuited and want and desire run free till their whims are met...

what is wrong with people!?! Deep down everyone knows what is right and what is wrong... yet we just ignore it and do not care. Some peoples mindset are such that they would wish me harm just because I do not fit their picture of " the world would be a better place if..." scenario. They do not even know me yet they wish death or worse... all based off of my looks, name, or anything else that they find unappealing.

The world is a scary place now...people are scary; acting like beasts that are relying on lust, desire and anger. It feels as if the evil within us all is winning and all others like myself can do is just watch and pray that it doesn't happen to them.

I'm praying for all of the evil hearts to come back to good; we miss you...

Kelly Green Headband...

I love to crochet...I've been doing it since I was a little girl! A lot of people crochet either the front or back of the loop; I crochet through both loops to give the yarn a better cohesiveness.

For this project I choose to keep it simple by only using a single crochet stitch (sc st) yet I am going about this headband the long way so to speak... I find that for me, it is easier and more accurate to my Afro puff that I call my hair if I make the headband using the width instead of making the full chain that fits around my head. From the pictures that I took of my fro you can see why:...

Front of the fro...

The back of the Afro...

Kelly Green Headband© Cynnefull Garden Crochets™ all rights reserved.

Materials Used:

• Caron One pound in Kelly Green 510- Weight: 4 medium, 100% Acrylic, 812 yrds/ 16 oz. solid, Worsted weight.

• Size I crochet needle (5.5mm) *Per label on CARON ONE POUND yarn it says "I" ; thru website it says "G"*- your choice.

• Crochet stich used: single crochet (sc)- Insert hook in stitch (sc) or space (sp) indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and pull a loop. Yarn Over (YO) and draw through both loops on the hook.

Like I said earlier this is a pretty simple project. I am making it on the fly without a pattern... the headband only uses a single crochet (sc). We live in a world that places more value on how difficult or how extravagant the item that you made is- beauty is also simple and elegant at the same time without being overdone and showy. That was the mindset with this project: simply beautiful and without gaudiness.

Terminology:

• Cast on for this project is the same as chain...
• Chain (ch)
• Stitch/es (st/sts)
• Single Crochet (sc)-Insert hook in stitch (sc) or space (sp) indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and pull a loop. Yarn Over (YO) and draw through both loops on the hook.
• Space/s (sp/sps)
• Join w/ slip stitch (sl st)- Begin with a slip knot on hook. Insert hook in stitch or space indicated, Yarn Over (YO) and draw through the stitch or space and the loop on hook.
• Yarn Over (YO)- put yarn over the needle to make another loop.
  

To start: Cast on/ chain (ch) 16 stitches (sts) loosely ** If you want the width of the headband to be longer than 4 inches then chain more stitches**

Row 1: single crochet (sc) in chain (ch) 2nd from the hook; Single crochet (sc) across. 15 spaces (sps) total. Chain (ch) 1 and turn. *** REMEMBER: IF YOU ADD MORE STITCHES (sts) YOU WILL STILL SINGLE CROCHET (sc) IN THE 2ND CHAIN (ch) FROM THE HOOK.***

Row 2: single crochet (sc) across. 15 spaces (sps) total. Chain (ch) 1 and turn. ***Or however many stitches (sts) you decided to begin with minus 1.***

Rows 3 to end: Repeat row 2 till headband fits comfortably and snugly around your head when you pull both ends together. When ready and there are no twists join both ends w/ slip stitch (sl st). You should be joining/ slip stitching (sl st) 15 stitches (sts) using the slip stitch (sl st).***join/slip stitch (sl st) however many stitches (sts) that you dedided to use.**

Working on the rows to the end...

Cut yarn; weave in ends and viola- finished!

This pattern is very adaptable- you can change it up depending on your level of crocheting or your need not to have the headband so strong. (refer to my fro pictures to see why I needed the head band to be strong and thick)

Possible suggestions:

• Add a second color around the front area and use a smaller crochet needle to make it tighter around the forehead area if it slips.
• For less thickness and more movement: turn the single crochets to double crochets; shell stitches or half double crochets. Just make sure that you insert the hook in the 3rd chain (ch) from the hook... (for more information on the different kinds of basic stitches you can use along with a tutorial click HERE.) Heck- use combinations of each to get your desired effect.
• Add a second color within the headband itself; better yet find a crochet chart and a pattern.
• That's all of the suggestions that I'm going to give... anymore and I'll give away too much!

Need more help/ info/ tutorials: go to crochet pattern central they have everything that you ever needed to know about crochet... (link will take you to the instruction directory)

Here is their link to their free crochet patterns Directory

Use this link to view the Crochet stitches

Enjoy!

Cynnefull Gardens Layout Changes...

If you are new to my blogger page you might not have noticed the changes that I have added to my blog. I am currently in the process of making my site stand out more. I am new at editing blog html and do not want to ruin my original minima template when choosing the right background image and sidebar colors. Of course I saved the template like it says but it isn't as easy as it was to change my myspace page... this requires some work on my part. I used a layout generator that made it easier to see what the changes looked like for myspace. I have found something similar but I am not sure that I like it yet. My biggest guide in this is Tips for New Bloggers: where they have given you step by step tips/help on changing your blogger page.

Since my last blog, I have added a music playlist from playlist.com and put it at the bottom of my page. Also, I am on twitter and I am debating whether or not to make my tweets public just so that I can add them to my blog page. The same is going on with photobucket and some other sites...

Have any ideas as to what Cynnefull Gardens' page should look like?

I am all ears... post a comment/ send me a myspace message titled "Cynnefull Gardens" with any codes or pictures that would be a good representation of Cynnefull Gardens and I'll consider using it as the layout! Giving you credit of course! For now... I am comfortable with the 2 columns; sidebar on the right layout.

Thank you so much for helping to make Cynnefull Gardens blooger site something that stands out!

-Ashlee

Life...

I've forgotten how to hear the lessons life is trying to teach me;
Lost the language capability to interpret what she says.
As a child I knew her voice very well;
Listened to her with all of my attentiveness.
But one day her voice became jumbled;
I couldn't decipher what she meant.
Life has forsaken me;
For I have fallen out of her grace.
Intuition tells me that I should be learning more than this;
That I am more than my difficult situations.
But the patterns keep on repeating;
One progressively worse than the other.
Cause I do not understand the tests that I'm given.
I believe that I might be failing at life;
More and more patterns are snowballing into one...

Life has placed a blindfold over my eyes;
Stuffed cotton into my once wide open ears.
Forcing me to learn the hardest way;
Cause I didn't get the subtler hints.
I know that life has patience with me;
So I should have it for myself.
Faith is the one thing that we both share;
Hoping that one day I'll hear her again.
But I can't help but wonder;
How much of this I did to myself.
By not paying attention;
Even though I am an eternal student of life...

In my heart I know that life will not beat me down;
Not more than I can handle.
For life made sure that I was strong enough to cope;
Perserverant enough to deal with her lessons.
For life has faith in me;
And faith does not waiver...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Poem for Keela Grey...

As you stare into her big gray-blue eyes,
Keela Grey is doing the same to you.
Investigating what is behind your gaze,
The intent within your eyes.
Once she is sure of you;
Her eyes begin to relax.
A wide mouthed smile emerges
As you hear her soul giggle.
If you are lucky,
She'll give you her cutesy smile and a wink.
To let you know that she adores you...

Constantly watching,
Learning,
Experiencing what life has to offer,
All from the comfort and safety of your hip.
Listening intently on the words that your mouth makes;
The sound that your voice carries.
Familiarizing the tone as "good" or "bad."
Memorizing what your face looks like,
To better know who you are,
And where you fit into her life...

A kind, and generous soul;
Whose impatience brought her here early;
Wanting out before her due date.
As impatient as her mother.
Surprising us all with her determination to be born
Spending a month in an incubator
With pictures of her mommy inside with her.
Spending time with loving mother that knows what she needs...

A little spiritual being that craves others vibrations
Who needs cathartic touch to be happy;
Another persons warmth to be content.
Someone who enjoys her family as close as they can be;
To make up for the time that she had plastic in between...

Keela Grey immediately warms your heart
As if she completely understands you.
Fully accepting of who she is around.
Looking at you with sheer curiosity,
As she sucks on her Binky
Dropping it out of her mouth to see if you are paying attention;
Giving you the jerk around if you're not...

Sweetly crying only when she is wet or hungry;
Just to let you know that things aren't alright.
As soon as her needs are met her huge smile returns
Like nothing ever happened.
She laughs and tries to talk to you
Mimicking the songs that you sing to her.
Raising and lowering her coos to show you that she's learning

Keela Grey is her very own person;
Even at several weeks old.
She's beginning to form her likes and dislikes-
All within a glance.
She'll give you the stink eye if you take her bottle away,
Or put her down to change.
Then bat her long lashes coyly
As if to say she's sorry...

Sleeping like an angel so close to your beating heart
Reaching out for your fingers,
Making sure that you're still there.
Popping her eyes open if she thinks that she's not held
Slowly closing them just in case you put her down...

Sleep away little Keela
So that you can dream and grow;
Know that you are safe and protected;
Surrounded by your family;
People who truly love you...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Gift of My Love...

Today, I give you the gift of my love...
The unconditional part of my inner being
So that you can remember what it feels like to be cared for.
Nurtured, and Loved.
This gift is given freely;
With no strings attached.
So that you may be able to heal
The wounds that cannot be healed.
My unconditional love is with you;
Even though we are far away-
So that one day you can be happy-
Without the fear of something bad occurring.
Cause you deserve happiness;
With that comes love...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Light and Dark

I wanted you to see me for who I am
Try to understand where I was coming from
Your insignificant generosity brings me to tears
I did everything that you ever asked of me
Still that wasn’t enough for you
Your cold selfish heart could never penetrate the things that I hold dear
The person that I thought you were turned into a hellish demon
Replacing love and kindness with deep seeded anger and resentment
My heaven with you turned to hell. . .
So hell is really paved with good intentions
I never asked you to be a better man for me; that pressure you put on yourself
Things could have been different, but then was it suppose to be?
You decided to turn to the darkness while I went to the light
My spark that I lent to you could not be seen
The goodness that rubbed off on you is no longer visible anymore
The evilness that is you prevails and I am free from your reign
I can walk in the light without fear of you pulling me back

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Fighting With the Ex...

My body is tired
I’ve lost my will to fight
Too many emotions have I gone through in this last night
My tear ducts are so puffy that I can’t see
Just because you chose to ignore me
I’m not the easiest to deal with
But what you tired to accomplish in your infinite wisdom produced a scar that will never heal
How can you sit there and say that “you’re teaching me a lesson”
One by the way I have been already taught,
Re-taught and learned not by you but by the others that came before,
By my own father and by my culture
You sit up on your high throne thinking that you have done nothing wrong
Go on living your life normally while I have suffered
Blowing off my calls because you have better things to do
Making me second to everything including a shower and video games to put me in check
I am not some animal that you can give cruel and unusual punishment to!
Especially when you know how fragile I am
Your menace in your eyes towards me
Your undeniably stone cold face in front of me
I sensed no emotion from you
My heart is weak and wounded
Since you can’t take the time out of your busy schedule to deal with me
Knowing that my depression will soon get the best of me
You have put me into my internal hell again
Something that I struggle with constantly from you
You brought me back here to a place I loathe
Making me think that this is where I belong
You just rejected me like all of the others did
Making me understand that love will never find me
I hoped that my long search was finally over
But alas, all I found was illusion
This is why I will forever choose not to love
To let myself be vulnerable in this way
You were my last hope in a dream that will be forever lost in me
My heart fells nothing anymore
All this because you couldn’t say that I was misplaced in my anger?
Because you didn’t want to be bothered with me?
Because you have more important things to deal with...
Your depressed girlfriend who you made this way?
Who just wanted to know why you wouldn’t return her phone calls?
Why you wouldn’t tell her a simple I’m sorry?
Games are never the answer
Just more problems that lead further from a resolution
You who I trusted, loved and confided into
Would have to resort to this childishness just to prove your point?
At the risk of destroying us forever?
I forgot you only think about yourself
You never think about the other people involved do you?
It never occurred to you what effect you would have over me
And yet somehow it still is all my fault that I suffered at your expense
Yet you’re the one who has no remorse and you call me the psycho bitch
Only further instilling in me that my thoughts and ideas that make up my depression are true-
They are always in connection to you
And that they will never change as long as I am with you.
I am done suffering for your love
Time to break free of you-
This depression that you keep me in to make me submissive
So that I can know what it means to be loved...
Loved in the right way-

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Pondering...

As I sit back here and ponder how different life is
I ask myself how was I able to turn my life around
Why was I the one chosen few to be able to come back from oblivion?
From being in my own personal hell on earth to such happiness for life?
Was it god that heard my frantic cries?
Or was it the spirit of my ancestors that passed before me telling me that all would be well?
I wonder how I allowed myself to become broken and used
A mere shadow compared to what I had the potential to be?
Still do not know how I let someone extinguish my flame and control me into nothing
Back then was I so naive and starved for love that I was willing to do anything to feel loved
Was it imprinted on me so much that I put myself in a false sense of security
Or was this experience merely a life lesson that I had to go through
In order to get to who I have always been and chose to ignore it?
Ignoring the fact that I have always been on my own?
Having taken care of myself letting no one tell me what I can or cannot do
These thoughts jumble my brain as a recurring nightmare of a past life -
1 I chose to repress
Like the phoenix I have risen from my own ashes
Been reborn into the person that I truly am
Letting my flame shine with an eternal fire that no one can put out.

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Watching Keela Grey...

Yesterday I had the privilege to baby sit my newest niece Keela Grey. Keela was suppose to enter this world on x-mas '08 and be a Capricorn... she had other ideas for herself. She came into this world on October 23rd, 2008 at 2:02am making her a double Leo with Scorpion tendencies.

Keela was 2lbs 15 and a 1/2 ozs... at the time she was born. 16" long. 8 weeks early and yet she let out a loud and boisterous cry to let us know that her lungs were fully developed. We went and visited her and my sister Kristin in the hospital as many days as we could afford to go.

It was difficult seeing her with all of those tubes stuck in her but I managed to put my fears aside and project encouraging thoughts towards her being able to come home. Keela came home November 3, 2008 and she was a little bit over 4 and a half pounds. Technically she's 4months old but I found out that you count from her due date- making her 8 and a half weeks.

As of Yesterday Keela Grey is 10 pounds 1 ounce and has begun to learn how to smile and laugh. She absolutely adores her auntie Ashlee and is so comfortable with my energy that she has no worries in the world. Only when she needs something does she let out a few cries- just to let you know that she is wet or hungry; other than that she's a really well behaved little girl. Her eyes are so big that it looks like she is staring through you instead of at you. When she saw me Keela stuck her tongue out at me- it was the last thing that I did when I left her on Sunday showing me that she remembered who I was.

We danced, I sang to her, she tried to talk to me- interaction at its most basic yet making such a huge impact on her little psyche that will help shape her into the person she will become. I experienced my first diaper change and Keela didn't scream bloody murder! For some reason she doesn't like her diaper changed- maybe it is the act of being exposed; but as soon as you are finished she has a big smile on her face and all is well. Child development is such a wonderful things to watch, observe and interact with. You are accepted by her even though she cannot make out your intentions- she can feel your vibrations and knows that she's safe.

As I said my goodbyes to Keela I could tell that she didn't want me to leave and it put a smile on my soul...

Flowered Center Slouch Hat W/ Flowers

Hats are a natural part of my wardrobe... I never leave home without one. So when I re-discovered my talent for knitting and crocheting I wanted to make myself a hat. Not just any hat- a rasta or beret. When I was searching on the internet I stumbled across a website called crothetpatterncentral.com and looked around. Under hats I doscovered this cute hat and decided that this would be the hat that I wanted to create:

For my version of LeKeesha Lowe's Ramdomscreamer's Pattern I added 4 Crocheted flowers and made it Purple. materials used:

• Vanna's Choice Print in Purple Mist - mixture of light liliac and dark violet. Weight category- 4. Medium worsted; Afghan, Aran yarn. 100% Acrylic
• Asseccory flowers- Petals: Bernat Softee Baby in Soft Liliac - Weight Category- 3. Light; 100% Arcylic
• Asseccory flower center: Lion Brand Yarn Baby Soft in Cream- Weight Category- 3. Light: DK, Light worseted yarn; 60% Acrylic, 40% Nylon
• Size 5.00mm needle (H)

This project took me about 20 mins to complete. I am much faster crocheting than knitting... but all and all I am pretty happy with the way that it came out! When I was finished the hat looked like it needed a little something more... so I decided to add 4 flowers: 1 at the center and 3 in a cluster off center from my head.

Purple is such a soothing color for me...

Music's Beat...

I want to get lost in the music’s beat
To let myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drum
Waiting for the release that’s about to come
The music invites my soul to show itself to it
Bending shaping and molding it into what it sees fit
Causing something in me to come alive
With a kind of sexy jive
My hips start to move in an erotic sway
With my body following the music all the way
Transforming into something I secretly am
And loving it because I don’t give a dam
Getting lost in the music’s beat
Letting myself go into the rhythm’s fiery heat
Becoming entangled and shrouded in the hypnotic sound of the drums
Waiting for the release that almost comes
The eyes of desire finally settle on my prey
Enticing him to wonder my way
As his hands slowly wrap around my stomach and hold me tight
I give into him and the hunger that I fight
Deliciously tempting him with the movements of my body
Making him think something that’s naughty
Pleasuring myself in him with our bodies intertwined dancing as one
This is where I begin to have my fun
To get caught up in the sultry beat
Giving off excessive heat
Becoming a seductress in the entrancing sound of the drums
Gladly accepting the release that comes

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Pedestal...

People stand me on a pedestal
Watching me to see if I can remain still
I’m not perfect and I don’t choose to be
Unfortunately that’s not what people choose to see
People stare at me in wonder
Trying to see if I make a blunder
But no as always somebody’s forever watching me
Because I’m the person that they strive to be
People stand me on a pedestal
Trying not to look down or fall
But what people don’t see is that I hurt inside
Partly because I don’t show my venerable side
Hurt and disappointment are my nearest friends
And they’ll always be there in the end
Funny how I get along with discord and mayhem
And how they go so well hand in hand
Well, I’ve fallen off the column which you have so put me on
So your view of me as a role model should be gone
But alas my pedestal only grows even more
Making my arms and legs painfully sore
Please leave me to wallow in my own sadness alone
These are the times that I wish that I had a clone
My joints hurt from holding my motionless pose
Yet you marvel and admire me at how I can keep such repose

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Love's Cruelty...

Tonight some girl's heart is breaking
Ripping into many pieces;
Tears of pain are flowing down their cheeks
Wondering what they did wrong.
Playing that last moment over in their heads
Sticking themselves into their own personal hell.

You're at home feeling relieved;
That you got rid of the excess baggage.
By breaking up with the person that you stringed along
You're free to do what ever you please
A smile comes over you
Cause now you are free...

Tonight some girl's heart has stopped pumping.
Cause the shock was too much for them.
They have gone numb from the experience
Getting closer to a catatonic state.
Soon the coldness will set in
And the bright soul will be lost.

You corrupted another innocent;
Taking away their distrust of you
Helping them to lower their guard down
So you could swoop in for the kill.
Now that you've had her,
Your conquest is complete...

Tonight some girl's heart has been reduced to ashes
Dried up from all of the rejections in their life.
Their once lively heart had turned arrid
Left with the bitterness that sour love has given them.
The heart is overtaken by depression
Loosing their will to live.

You cannot understand what the big deal is
It was fun while it lasted
Now that you have grown bored of her
Time to move on to someone bigger and better
Her eyes show that she cannot believe it
Shaking her head in disbelief...

She begs you not to end it
To give her another chance
You push her off of you
Saying a few choice words to make it clear
She says that she'll die with out you
You tell her to prove it...

Tonight that some girl's heart is no more...
The tears that once flowed have stopped.
Their soul is no longer tormented
By memories of their love that have been lost
Emotions that were once beautiful
Now reflect the awful truth...

That even though you loved her;
It wasn't in the right way.
You took her love for granted...

She took your words to heart.
Honoring your final request...
Now that she's dead what do you have to say?

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

What is PURCYNNE: Poetry?

Many people have asked me:

What PURCYNNE: POETRY is... and why is it different from the labels POEM, POETRY?


Here is the best explanation that I can give to you:

PURCYNNE: Poetry are like my journal entries of my life. They reflect the raw emotion that is my life and how life experiences/ situations affected me at the time that they occurred. The poetry contained as a purcynne: poetry are intensely personal and are sometimes even hard for me to read after I have typed them. They cover a wide range of topics just like my emotional spectrum of feelings do. I write poems to express most of my feelings; cause often times I do not have anyone to tell these things to. It is rare that you ever see me write a poem with a pen and paper. My method is to type them out on the computer where I can just create them; not worrying about spell check. I do that at the end later. I think as fast as I can type so it is actually easier for me to type then write.

The name itself is Purely Cynnefull put together to make "person." I am a pure writer by nature and was lucky enough to have an English teacher that opened up my mind to Natalie Goldberg's book- Wild Mind: Living the writer's life. This book helped me to write my first thought and that is why my poetry can be felt with such an emotional impact.

It was a big deal for me to share these poems with others due to how close they hit home for me. But I thought to myself, "Maybe these poems could be of some use to others..." That gave me the courage to share them with the readers of Cynnefull Gardens.

They are still poems and poetry but the are my life story and that is why it gets it's own label.

Why haven't I written my own book of poetry yet?

Honestly, I wouldn't know how to organize them into a book. They are all saved on my hard drive and begging for me to put them into a book but there are so many that it is overwhelming to figure out how to make them fit cohesively into a book.

Another thing is that I am constantly creating poems and would feel horrible if I published a book that was missing an essential poem that I wrote after the fact. I tend to do that a lot with my poetry. Some of these poems are such that I would have to explain where they came from and the why... which I have not done for the majority of my poetry works.

Some of my works have been on poetry.com but other than that... I keep them to myself till now.

Transformation of My Selves

At the moment of birth
My destiny was to be Air
The universe saw to it that I shall be the air sign of Gemini;
Mercurial in nature;
Invisible,
Intangible
Barely heard;
Never seen.
Everywhere yet no where;
But always there just out of your reach.
Light breezes, slightly warm and gentile air
Staying to the sky,watching from afar.
Watching what was going on and actively not participating more than I had to.
My head was in the clouds,
Daydreaming my life away.
Not caring, not worrying;
Just floating along like the leaf in the wind.
There was the occasional harsh wind,
Cold wind, relentlessly hot wind for brief moments
Then drastically change to calm and serene.

After experiencing loss of a loved one;
My All in the world.
I sought higher ground
Away from people,
Hurtful things and feelings that could affect me
I let the sun's rays engulf me and I became transformed into fire...
I am white hot heat.
I am white burning light
I am the sun; not just any fire,
I had to become as heated as the sun
I denied my grief;
Becoming more keen on my self than others
I turned to my anger to get me through this ordeal.
It made me focused,
Determined, and very beautifully dangerous...
All logic that was full of passion,
Seduction and ego
Too trusting of my friends that led to my demise
To my flame being extinguished forever

Due to "3 friends" selfishly blind jealousy
Envy that ended up in the raping of my innocence.
Leaving me in a complete and utter darkness that I had not known before.
I was now red heat...
I was a fiery rage...
I was a Phoenix that has now become darkened...
A darker and deeper shade of red...
A new set of pain,
Horror,
Trauma that this place within my heart had not seen before
I knew what suffering was now,
An anger that was so great that I knew what rage felt like.
Overwhelming rage and loss of control...
Screaming at the top of my lungs "why me?"
"Why was I the chosen one?"
"To bear all of these gifts that were bestowed upon me?"
"Why was my life ruined just for 3 hours of defilement??
So they could feel satisfaction in between my thighs??"
It destroyed me thoroughly...
The idea that my closest friends would lust for me in that way.

I gave into the coldness that my heart was feeling,
Turning from rage into the ice blizzards that become menacing within seconds.
I was known as the Ice Queen in every way shape and form...
Numb to everyone and everything.
Those 3 hours still remaining as a part of my psyche.
There had to be more than just this coldness within my shattered heart
There had to be more to me than just ice...

Water.
Within the ice is water
Water that hasn't be moved emotionally in God knows how long
That needs to be warmed up again
Reminded how to be warmed up again...
Slowly but surely the ice will melt and give way to what I really am...
The biggest water there is on Earth now.

The ocean.
The sea.
Ebbing and flowing with the tides of my emotion.
I cannot be denied but only consoled by my mother the moon
She keeps me in check;
Providing the rhythm that keeps me from going out of control.
I have many depths,
Many colors,
No one will know what color blue I will pretend to be
You do not know me;
Nor would you ever take the time to see;
That there is more to me that meets the eye
Something that makes me hauntingly familiar yet mysterious in so many ways
I am unpredictable,
Chaotic,
Witholding massive internal storms from unleashing
But you would never see that from the outside...
I hide it too well
My waters are calm, and clear like that of a Bahamian beach
Enjoying this paradise like it was intended on the surface
If you go a little deeper,
Coming out of the shallow end you will see that the water gets a shade darker,
The water gets a little colder,
The footing begins to get unsure...
Stay away from me if you are afraid to drown
I am necessary yet abused,
Mistreated,
Polluted and taken for granted
My relaxing blues turn into pitch black abysses underneath it all...
I make my own colors like the bio luminescent fish that live deep within me...
Can your emotions match mine?
I am alone with my mother,
Knowing the incredible strength that I posses yet do not know how to use it.
Waiting in vain for someone to try to understand
What no one else wanted to see
Like sleeping beauty slumbering till she found her prince...
Learning the hard way that no one was strong enough to accept all of me...

What was left of the blue faded away,
To the deepest black that I had ever been to within me.
My only company were things that I couldn't see,
That I could only feel...
And when I thought that I couldn't get any deeper
I realized that there were no bounds...
I was going to keep on getting deeper and deeper
Till I felt the whole range of black and what that entailed.
It felt like forever,
Falling into the blackness,
Getting used to the black abyss that was me
Understanding the black and learning what it had to teach me...
To the point of where it became a comfort

Then I hit what felt like dirt...
Soft squishy mud that cushioned my fall.
My mother the moon didn't save me, but my father did
It was him that heard my heartfelt wish and manifested it into reality
Because he couldn't handle me being so dark.
Then I was saved by the one thing that I had never thought could save me...
A strong male's reciprocated love.
The one thing that I had given up on for obvious reasons was my only savior.
A pure,
Sincere and genuine love that was spiritual,
Physical and mental.
The strength that I needed wasn't found in other Water,
Fire,
Air or any combination that those 3 that I was suppose to be turned into...

They were too controlling,
Dominating,
And deceitful.
Thinking that love was just some game they didn't want to loose at...

What about Earth??
It could be strong enough to hold me
But would it be flexible enough to deal with me?
Can the Earth get as deep as I can?
Feel the heat as I do?
Would the Earth even want to?
Most importantly would he understand me?
My father was right...
The earth was strong enough to hold me...
Strict but fair,
Harsh but in a loving manner,
Hating you because they love you so damn much...
The Earth could take care of me,
Provide me a place to be myself
To be what he needs me to be to help complete him...
I found something to ground myself to.
To remind myself that no matter how deep or wide I can become
I have a safety net that will protect me
I have found my home.
Nothing seems to get underneath my skin because I just retreat into the earth
Into our beautiful cave of clear blue water with stalagmites and stalactites
Where no one can reach us...

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

On a personal note:

This was one of the most difficult poems that I had ever written...partly because it touches on so many of my negative experiences within my life. Wasn't sure if I was ready to share this poem with the world but Cynnefull Gardens is where I can put all of my emotions out for everyone to see without judgement. I have other poems that go over each negative experience separately but this one made me cringe the most to see where I started from in life and where I had ended up at certain parts of my life. It was my Nana who died- I was 13 years old and coincidentally she passed on my mother in law's birth date. (March 31st)

The rape occurred when I was 18, and about to start college. Since it was 3 of my friends whom I knew for over 6 years that one left a scar... in a lot a of different ways. I left out how my father passed away the day after my 19th birthday... it was just too much for me to add to list of what this poem entails. As an air sign I was never fully prepared for feeling as much as I have over the course of my life. It is a misnomer to think that Geminis cannot feel; they feel so much that it hurts them and they try not to feel by remaining neutral on the outside. Not allowing themselves the time to dwell on how they should be reacting to what just happened and using rationalization to cope. I on the other hand am a "12th house Gemini" so my emotional capacity is that of an ocean... look into my eyes and you will understand.

Each transition or transformation that I had to make within the poem is genuine. I have dealt with many things both good and bad within my life and I still have a lot of long years ahead of me. Transformation of My Selves is my life in a nutshell up until 3 years ago- by using the elements I was able to describe how each phase felt like within me. This poem could have been much longer but I felt that it was long enough as is. Jeff, my love, is an Earth sign- Virgo. We amazingly complete each other because he is Earth and Fire while I am Air and Water. We cancel each other out or compliment one another depending on our mood.

Eyes Refocused...

Something is different...
Waves of clarity have finally found their way inside of me
The blurriness of life is coming into focus
As if I am waking from a dream...
I look around me and the sharpness of life has hit me
Suddenly I realize that nothing is what it appears to be
The facade of everything has seemed to vanish;
I now see what was hidden from my sight.
Enlightenment has graced me with it's presence
Embraced me within its arms of truth.
This life is merely an illusion
My heart is now broken with the pain that the naivety of life has left me
Now my eyes have turned to mirrors
Reflecting a person that I do not recognize;
One that is filled with self- awareness and love

The friends that I thought were there for me
Never were there to begin with;
Just living in denial because they were using me.
I don't have the same feelings about the things that I used to hold dear;
Cause now I know that they weren't.
Just haunted memories of a time when I was happy...
Understanding that I am much stronger than people give me credit for
Cause they choose to see my kindness as weakness
Just because I happen to be a delicate female...

My eyes are open for what feels like the first time
Refocused to what they were intended originally to see-
The things that people hide within.
Seeing past the persona that is the lie.
Perceiving my reality as what it truly is-
Revealing to the other what they fear within them.
Seeing the bigger scope of what needs to be done-
To shift all of the evilness within to be of the light
Focusing on just how deep all of the hatred goes within one's self
Empathising with all of the darkened souls that cannot see the light
Who cannot feel it or touch it within their souls
Letting them know that it is okay to feel loved.

Thinking to myself how to bring about this change...
Through one person reaching out to others through love
Extending a helping hand out to those who search for something that they can't explain.
Aiding to reach them with the language of music;
A universal wave of love that can bring us together
Unite us all under one universal consciousness
So that we can all see what can be accomplished by self love
So that they know that they are not alone
That others feel their pain,
Sorrow,
Anger,
Anguish so that they can feel cared for by loving them self

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay

Life's Hidden Message...

Life-
What is she trying to teach me?
How much do I need to learn?
I feel her invisible hands
Sculpting me,
Molding me,
Shaping me,
For what purpose?
For what end?
What is it that I am suppose to be preparing for?
Which lessons do I need to learn from?

Life-
So many lessons to be bombarded with
To test the kind of character that I have formed
Seeing the person that I am to become as a result of this assessment
Wondering when all of this is said and done
How my tone of voice will sound
With what resonance will it carry?
Is my head held up high?
Trying to figure out the depths of my emotions from behind my eyes.
Envisioning what my eyes will say about me and my life...

Life-
So meticulous in the way that it pushes me;
Making sure that I am the best person that I should be
Forcing me to learn from my mistakes
Teaching me to accept full accountability for my erroneous actions
Learning and applying from my past to ensure a better future...

Life-
Is she friend or foe?
Helping or hindering me?
Pushing or pulling me into what she wants
Like a mechanic taffy machine
Giving me a see-saw of emotional based extremes
Hurting me on a regularly consistent basis...

Yet the pain lessens each time I open up my eyes
Making me stronger every moment that passes;
As if Life is training me to succeed.
Overcome,
Persevere.
Convincing me to notice all of life's subtleties;
It's complexities to see them within myself.
Showing me what I am made of
Capable of...

Life-
Tempting me,
Luring me to step wrongly;
Testing me to see if I have learned the past lesson.
Committing it to memory as a hidden truth.
Readying me to the next life lesson
Double checking to see if I had forgotten it.
Keeping me on my toes to bring out my full potential
So that I may shine;
On the outside
Like the brilliant sun exuding outward of my body for all to see...

Life-
Put me through hell and back
Having me burn in the fiery flames to remove all of my impurities
Unmasking the veils that have disillusioned me;
So that I am fit to be of the light and walk within it
Giving me back the spiritual memories of my heaven
Love in it's purest form.
Revealing Life's hidden message-
The true version of me.

© 2009 Ashlee Elizabeth Lindsay